InsaneJournal

Who: Lily and Sirius
What: Being the biffles they secretly are
Where: Sirius and Remus’ flat
When: Halloween night
Rating: Not too high, other than a little swearing.
Status: Complete

Halloween use to be one of the best times for Lily especially in school. It was, in some ways, better than Christmas and something she had always looked forward to. That was until now, of course. Not only did she no longer have her husband with her to celebrate but she knew that in their time, her future, they were both killed on this day. James would be dead now that he was no longer in Colligo but sometimes she could try and focus on other things. Not on the day that he was killed. She was rather glad that she had Remus and Sirius because of this. She needed people who understood why she didn’t see the fun in the holiday anymore since she knew especially Sirius felt the same.

She had brought the moses basket over for Luke to sleep him, which he luckily still fit in. For now anyway. She liked to keep to a schedule for him and even though he seemed wide awake she still placed him in to sleep. After all, he was likely to eventually doze over as usual. She gave him his dummy then his little teddy he usually liked to have near him even though he can’t exactly grab onto it. She liked to think he viewed it as comforting, some sort of company, even though it probably made little difference. Leaning in, she pressed her lips to his forehead and let him grasp onto her finger.

“Things will get better, sweetheart. I promise.”

Sirius couldn’t say he had any fond feelings towards Halloween any more. Admittedly, he still had to properly experience that particular date, when everything went so spectacularly to shit, but he’d been aged up and down enough times during his time in Colligo, and been left with enough memories of his elder self to feel like he had. Sirius could recall that day perfectly, every sickening, twisted detail that set his stomach churning and made his skin crawl. And that was more than enough to snuff any kind of enjoyment out of this particular holiday. He was more than happy to spent the night shut in his own living room with people who understood and wouldn’t force the conversation.

He padded out of the kitchen, two gently steaming mugs in his hands, and wandered over to stand beside Lily, who was stood over Luke’s basket. “Here.” he passed her one over, then craned his neck to peer in himself. “Alright, mate?” he offered to Luke, who blinked up at him seriously. Sirius smiled and lifted his mug of coffee to his lips, blowing over the top to try and cool it. It was probably a bit late to be giving himself a caffeine fix, but he wasn’t allowed to smoke when Luke was anywhere near him, so this had to be the next best thing.

Sirius took a sip of piping hot, dark liquid and peered across at Lily. “You can move him into the bedroom if you need somewhere quieter.”

“Thanks,” she replied as she took the mug from him. It was strange that not too long ago she would never dream of sitting like this with just Sirius and yet now they both knew each other so well that they even knew how they liked their coffee to the exact detail. She appreciated why he seemed to have far more coffee than before and knew it was as a sort of substitute to his nicotine addiction and, in all honesty, she was rather glad of it. He may be a pain in the arse but she didn’t want the smoking to kill him.

She took a sip of the coffee, even though it was still rather warm, and glanced back at Luke. She was glad that he was young enough not to really notice the lack of James but she somehow felt that he noticed the male presence no longer there as often. It was why she tried to spend as much time as possible with the boys, so he didn’t lose out on that bond. Neither of them were his daddy, but they could at least be there in some way for him.

“I’ll see if he settles. I like to keep him near.” It was understandable and she knew no one could blame her, especially on this day. And the fading cut on her head, something she knew wouldn’t scar but would take some time to properly disappear, only served as a reminder for now.

Sirius shrugged and nodded, his hands wrapped tightly around the mug and his eyes fixed on the baby in the basket. “Sure,” he agreed. He more than understood that. He had never really wanted children of his own - quite frankly the idea of bringing more Blacks into the equation wasn’t one he particularly welcomed no matter the circumstances. He was more than happy to have that name die with him. Anyway, he was with Remus, which threw up some rather fundamental problems in that department. But that didn’t mean he didn’t feel a certain connection with the tiny Potter - both when he’d been Harry and now again with Luke.

“Anyway,” he added. “He’s a Potter. They can sleep anywhere. Once James fell asleep upside down on a flight of stairs. As in, his head was lower than his feet.” Sirius gave a fond grin at the memory, although it faded quickly with the blossoming of that familiar ache he felt when James was mentioned. To say he’d felt lost since James had gone was an understatement - Remus and Lily were fucking amazing and he loved them both to bits but James had always been just that person Sirius would always turn to, the one who kept him on the path he wanted to be on. Without him he felt like he’d been cut loose.

Not that he could really complain to Lily. He was sure she was feeling just the same as he was.

Sirius raised his coffee to his lips to hide his expression and turned away from the basket and Lily, wandering towards the window to peer out. “Reckon we’ll get away without anyone trying to steal our sweets?”

Lily glanced at Sirius at the mention of James before looking away almost straight away. It hurt to think on him and yet she always did no matter what the situation was. She wanted the pain to go away and yet she knew it never would. She belonged with James and had barely ever spent much time away from him since the day they got together. It was like missing an arm or something, a piece of her heart ripped away and torn to shreds. Having Luke kept her on the right path but she just knew if she didn’t have him then she would possibly not see much of each day without having more than a few drinks just to deal with it all.

“Well maybe he has that trait,” she said quietly before taking another sip from her mug. Anything that didn’t mean she had to look at Sirius. At times all she could see was James whenever she looked at the man before her simply because she was so use to having them together all the time. They were a package deal, one wouldn’t go without the other. And seeing Sirius alone was like seeing her own pain in another person’s eyes. It made it more real.

“I’m sure if we do we’ll find a way to deal with them.”

Lily would have been more accommodating had Halloween still been something she found exciting.

“If only we had some dungbombs,” Sirius offered with an easy grin, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes. His fingers twitched around his mug, itching for a cigarette, but he ignored it and instead wrapped his hands more closely around the warm cup.

He sighed and stepped away from the window, moving instead to the sofa with the agitated energy he seemed to have picked up in the last few days. Of course, Sirius had always been a twitchy person, but recently it had been more of an upset energy than his usual bounce - a change that only people who knew him well enough were likely to notice. Sirius threw himself down into the seat, one knee bouncing awkwardly as he took another gulp and then reached over to put the drink down on the coffee table.

“Ugh,” he grumbled, leaning over, elbows resting on his knees, and digging the palms of his hands into his eyes. Little stars exploded behind his eyelids. “This is bollocks.”

“Always your answer, isn’t it?” she responded with a very uneasy laugh. She was trying so hard to be at ease with him but given the circumstances it was hard, she just missed James far too much. And yet, for some reason, Sirius was the one she wanted to be with more than the others. Remus provided the comfort a lot better than Sirius probably could but it was Sirius she wanted.

When he groaned though her eyes looked straight to him and after checking Luke was doing okay, she moved to sit by him. Her mug sat next to his then her hand rested on his thigh just behind where his elbow was sitting on his knee. After a moment, she dropped her head to his shoulder.

“I know.” There was something so familiar with Sirius that she instantly felt a little stronger. She knew it was nothing intimate or anything at all like that, they both knew such feelings between them would never exist unless they were heavily drugged with a love potion. But he just seemed to calm her and provide her the strength no one else but James gave her and to see him crumble made her start to break again too.

Sirius wasn’t the kind of person who happily showed affection. He was more than capable of jokey hugs and casual claps on the back and the like, but when it came to genuine emotion he was in uncomfortable territory. Even when he was on his own with Remus he never went in for obvious shows of affection, preferring to give him a friendly punch on the shoulder than anything else. Perhaps it was being raised in his starched collar, pure-blooded family home, but it didn’t mean he didn’t feel it, just that showing it wasn’t something he’d ever be completely comfortable with.

Still, when Lily touched his leg and rested her head on his shoulder, he didn’t move away. Admittedly, there was a moment when he tensed away from her, but then he relaxed and slumped in again, lifting his head from his hands. Turning his head to look at her, Sirius offered her a small, tensed smile.

“What’re we gonna do with ourselves, eh?”

“What we have to do.”

Lifting her hand from his leg and glancing up at him she took his hand and after a moment of playing with his fingers a little, she linked their hands. It felt different to hold a hand that didn’t belong to James but it offered the same anchor that James often gave her. Dropping her gaze from his once more she dropped her head to his shoulder again.

“Just...look out for each other.”

Sighing softly, she glanced over at the basket and then at her wedding ring. Slowly she felt her eyes begin to well up with tears she had long decided she couldn’t shed anymore for Luke’s sake. But sitting here, with Sirius who felt the loss just as much as she does.

“I miss him so much,” she finally said quietly, her voice cracking slightly.

Sirius sighed and glanced down at their linked hands as her head fell back onto his shoulder, He had always got angry before he got upset about anything, but after over a week and Merlin knew how many nights out and arguments, even that had died away to a low, simmering resentment he did his best to hide. But he’d never been one for crying, ever since learning as a child that it never did any good.

He sighed and let his head rest gently against Lily’s red hair, staring blankly at the coffee table that was set out before them, covered in Remus’ books and Sirius’ magazines, along with several empty packs of cigarettes and abandoned mugs. “I know,” he finally replied. “Me too.” There was a moment’s silence, where they sat quietly, before Sirius spoke again, giving her hand a light squeeze. “We’ll be okay.”

She appreciated the supportive squeeze of her hand and she gave him a little smile to say as much. She knew emotion and comfort didn’t come easily to him and she wasn’t surprised given his family and childhood. Not that she would ever question him about it because she didn’t want to anger or upset him and what good came from asking him about that? She couldn’t think of anything that she could benefit from it.

“Sirius?” she eventually said quietly and, although she wanted to look at him, she didn’t want to put too much pressure on what she was going to ask. After all even though it wasn’t really anything serious to most it was still asking a lot from him. And yet all she wanted was this from him and as crazy as it was, she didn’t know if she could pick herself back up if he said no.

“Can I have a hug?”

Sirius hesitated, the sighed and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her into him so her face was hidden in the curve where his neck met his shoulder. Initially he felt a little uncomfortable, but after a moment Sirius released an breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and softened against her, releasing some of the tension in the long muscles across his back and partially hiding his face in her thick red hair.

They stayed like that for a while, sat in a comfortable, if unhappy, silence. Sirius was secretly really grateful Lily had decided to come over tonight. Especially with everyone else’s excited Halloween-related messages sparking up all over the network, it was good to know there was one other person who also just wanted to hide away until it was all over and they could pretend nothing remotely related to this holiday had ever happened.

Lily was rather grateful that he gave in and let her cuddle into him and she wasted no time in pressing in against his neck and just holding tightly. She had began to worry he wasn’t going to be the most willing to hug her properly bit soon he was melting against her and she wrapped both her arms around him and simply held on for as long as she could. No matter how often they liked to ignore each other and pretend they didn’t care so much she knew they did care very much.

Running a hand down his back she simply sighed and refused to move. Not until he seemed incredibly uncomfortable with holding onto her. She rather hoped that wouldn’t happen for some time since she needed him right now. They needed each other.