InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I think he might love that kid"

arrogant_black (arrogant_black) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2011-03-28 02:48:00

Who: Juno and Reg
What: Juno's got angel powers and knows how to fix things
When: Back dated to last night
Where: Juno's flat
Rating/Warnings: Maybe swearing and mentions of past Abuse (can I just start saying the Usual Reg Warning Level 1 and put a key on his profile for the different levels?)
Status: In progress, closed

Was Regulus going about this all the wrong way? Yes, but what was a self-effacing, depressed boy with trust issues and a tendency to self harm as a way of coping to do? Put in that context a bit of obstinate feet dragging was on par with angelic behavior. Feet dragging, what he'd decided to label his spat on the network with Juno (and Ariadne as well, but that was an issue for later). He was afraid, for so many reasons, and couldn't figure out how to convey that fear in any other way but to be an obstinate, selfish jerk.

But that was how he operated, he bunged things up and failed, and did a lot things the wrong way.

Juno had persisted through it all and demanded under no uncertain terms he listen to her. This was why, despite having earned his Fuck Up title for the week, he was walking over to her place so late at night. This was why he was knocking on her door. He was doing this despite the fear that this would end in disaster along the lines of Juno hating him and him being in the same state as always, and the fear that even if this did work and Juno didn't miraculously despise him at the end of the night he still might not deserve this. In the the latter case he couldn't help thinking, then why am here. It was a good thing they'd agreed to do this now, as each step brought renewed his doubt, if he'd waited until morning he would most certainly be changing his answer again.

He placed a hand on the door frame while he waited, gripping it tightly to keep him grounded. So he wouldn't run away.

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sacredvessel
2011-03-28 12:10 pm UTC (link)

Was Juno going about this all the wrong way? Possibly. She might very well be in way over her head with all these powers of Principalities. Never mind the powers; she might very well be in over her head with this relationship. Her life before Colligo had been almost glaringly normal in comparison with the things that Regulus had lived through.

But Juno was nothing if not persistent, and she had a big heart, which is why she hadn't already ditched him in favor of friends who would be more consistently upbeat. She wanted to help him; she wasn't going to sit around growing moss when she had it in her power to do something.

She dashed away whatever remained of her previous frustrated, sorrowful tears and waddled toward the door--she still did waddle when she walked, despite being able to now move instantly from place to place. The door was only a few steps, and she was saving her energy. Even if she was still trying to wrap her mind around how exactly she planned on going about this.

She opened the door and held out a hand, a soft smile playing on her lips. He was here. He hadn't run away yet. That was something. "Come one in."

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arrogant_black
2011-03-28 11:31 pm UTC (link)

His hand was still on the door frame, steadying him, and yet the door was opening too soon. Was he ready? No. Too many defenses stood between him and ready. Those invisible walls that kept everything soothing out, because the potential disaster they possessed far out weighed the pain the walls kept trapped within him. If he wasn't close to anyone they couldn't hurt him, they couldn't use his secrets, jagged with truth and poisoned by the power he imbued them, they couldn't use those easy weapons against him.

But Juno was there, and she looked so nonthreatening, she always did. Even when he was fresh from his past, with his adherence to purist tradition and Death Eater ways and she was this foreign muggle she was something eye catching in a disarming way that was surprisingly relieving. Before he knew what had happened he'd been standing at her door to return a tube of marshmallow flavored lip balm...

He took her hand in the same way he did with everything with her - before he realized what he was doing. An act of committing to what she offered and walked through.

"So, how does this work?"

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sacredvessel
2011-03-29 12:36 am UTC (link)

Juno led him inside, pushed the door shut behind them, and headed for the couch, still holding his hand. She thought she would be nervous, and to some extent, she was, but there was a strange peace about her that she couldn't quite explain or pinpoint. That was probably Aziraphale's, but hey, she wasn't going to complain.

"Make yourself as comfortable as possible, I guess," she said. She figured he'd probably end up with his head in her lap and a throw pillow wedged between his face and Caden. "You trust me, right?"

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arrogant_black
2011-03-29 12:49 am UTC (link)

Comfortable? That was really not something he believed he could achieve at that point. He sat down on the sofa as she directed anyway. Because of his nervousness the soft cushions were far from fulfilling their duty of making the sofa an inviting place to sit and no amount of fidgeting would make it so.

He looked up at Juno, "A bit." She probably wanted him to say more than that, "I trust you more than anyone here." And that wasn't a lie.

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	sacredvessel 2011-03-29 01:21 am UTC (link)
	She sat down next to him, turning slightly so that she could look him in the face. That he trusted her even a bit was saying a lot for Regulus, and she wanted to return the favor somehow. She didn't want to ruin that trust. "Then tell me why you're so unhappy. What happened to make you so afraid of letting people close?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

arrogant_black
2011-03-29 02:03 am UTC (link)

Starting with the loaded questions. Blunt. But it was probably best that Juno got right to the heart of it before Reg cut and run. Though that didn't mean he knew how to answer that. Well, he did and he didn't. Should he start with his mother or when his brother stopped being his brother or just skip right to being a Death Eater and Blackhurst? Honestly, all of that contributed to what Juno was asking. But then how much did he want her to see?

"There's a lot to that, to both of those questions. I don't know where to start. Maybe if I just... It might take more time than you have." He chewed his lower lip, he was doing that a lot recently, but then recently he had a lot on his mind. "I don't know how much I should show you or, can."

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sacredvessel
2011-03-29 02:26 am UTC (link)

Juno covered his hand with both of her own, drawing a knee up onto the couch and resting her hands on her knee as she listened. She was surprised to find she had a lot more patience than she usually did, and wondered idly if it was because she was finally learning, or if it was the angelic gifts in action, but no matter.

"I know your mother was worse than awful to you and Sirius, and that it hurt you when he jumped at the chance to get away, and let her turn you against each other. I know I say horrible shit about my own mom, and I make fun of my dorky little half-sister, but I can't even imagine what it must have been like." It was a simplistic understanding, maybe, but she'd gathered at least that much from being caught in the middle of their all but deadly pranking, as well as what she knew about the books and films. But she also knew that there was more.

"Maybe if you just close your eyes and whatever comes to you, it doesn't matter if it's the beginning, the end, or somewhere in the middle, just let it out." She swallowed, her eyes pleading as she looked up at him, and said softly, "Let me in?"

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arrogant_black
2011-03-29 02:46 am UTC (link)

He listened to her, what she knew already. For a moment he felt defensive, but realized that she didn't say anything that she couldn't have learned from those books or from reading the conversations between him and his brother over the PDA. And he or his brother had probably told her things as well. He moved his hand to grasp Juno's.

"I don't have to say?" he asked at last, "Just think it?" Vocalizing would be more difficult, getting around the right words when he was emotionally vulnerable would not happen. But if he could just think it, and her know it, that would be easier.

He had been staring at Juno's hands while he spoke but then he looked up at her. Her face seemed so earnest. He knew, on some level that he could trust her. From past experiences, he knew. But in practice he had difficulty just doing it.

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sacredvessel
2011-03-29 02:59 am UTC (link)

She nodded, feeling somehow vulnerable herself in that moment. She'd be opening herself up to who knew what, and if Regulus shut down and tore himself away from her after this, it would hurt more than ever. But she couldn't leave him hurting. Someone had to reopen that festering wound and get the shrapnel out so that it could finally have a chance to heal.

"If you think of anything you want to say, say it, I don't care if it sounds pretty or makes any kind of sense. Just show me where it hurts." She squeezed his hands. "I won't turn away. I promise."

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arrogant_black
2011-03-29 03:48 am UTC (link)

Regulus nodded, he was sure he wouldn't think of anything to say, showing would be easier, but no point in arguing right now. He'd done enough of that today.

"Alright." And he closed his eyes, even those that felt silly. But everything felt open and exposed right now.

He started at the beginning, he might as well. Juno could take care of the time constraints if necessary, because this would be a long night. His mother. That's who he started with. He wasn't so much ashamed of how his mother treated him and his brother, wasn't so bothered by it because he'd already organized those memories in his mind. Back when he learned about occlumency he'd started going through his memories and sorting them so they could be tucked away and no one could force their way inside his mind and take them without his permission. The process had made him come to terms with his childhood as far as She was concerned.

After Her was Sirius. How things were that summer before Regulus started at Hogwarts. How She started driving the two apart and there was nothing Regulus could do but hope Sirius didn't let it affect him. But then when it came to his sorting and the Hat proclaimed the House opposite his brother's it was clear that the breach had been achieved and the two were never the same. And now they both faced their mother alone.

And then the Death Eater days. Regulus paused here, knowing Juno would be aware of the lag in information but he needed to decide what to let her see. She said she wouldn't hate him or run away, but he didn't fully believe that. And yet, how could she fix something like his soul without knowing why it was the way it was.

He resolved to show her enough that she would understand but not everything, not all the details. His enthusiastic involvement with the meetings and the events leading up to the night he earned his Mark he didn't filter. But the Train Yard, at Bella's Home, In the Woods With Blackhurst, and the things after and between finally Getting Rid of Blackhurst he filtered so that is was just enough. The things after killing Blackhurts he didn't hold back, those were simply days drowned in drugs waiting for fate to intervene. And it did in the form of that Cave where the Dark Lord hid his horcrux.

And then he was done, blinking his eyes open. Expecting Juno to not be there when he did.

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sacredvessel
2011-03-29 04:39 am UTC (link)

Juno let the memories and feelings filter through her newly heightened perception, feeling a little bit like Scrooge, following along with the ghost of Christmas past. She lost track of time as the early years slipped by, and Regulus' mind paused, his waking nightmares flashing before her eyes in jagged bits and pieces, like a shattered mirror; then flooding her awareness in a rush.

She felt herself shiver with a chill than had nothing to do with the temperature of the room as she watched the snatches of his downward spiral, felt her stomach roil, and adrenaline and righteous indignation flare up hotly at the thought of what Blackhurst and the others had done. She would smite them with holy wrath! She would send the to meet their punishment. But no. They weren't here now. Regulus was.

She would gather the shards of his' broken heart and mind, and fit the pieces back together with tender, loving care. She would offer a gentle, healing touch; acceptance where others had only offered him barbed words and raised fists. She didn't know how exactly she did it, only that some intangible part of her reached out to him, leaving her breathless as it flowed through her.

When she opened her eyes, she saw Regulus blinking back at her, and realize she was looking back at him through her own tears. She didn't dare to speak, not quite sure what had just happened between them, but she knew that it had been something. And they were both still there.

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arrogant_black
2011-03-29 05:09 am UTC (link)

Contrary to Regulus' assumptions Juno was still there, it seemed she hadn't even moved. But then, he wasn't sure how much time had passed so it might have only been a second. She was still sitting next to him, though now there were tears in her eyes. Regulus was quite susceptible to Juno Sadness and something tugged inside of him.

He shifted to sit closer to her. And bringing his thumbs up he wiped away some of those tears on her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make..." He let the sentence hang incomplete and leaned in to rest his forehead against hers. Surprisingly he didn't retreat or balk from the physical contact.

He closed his eyes again, only the smallest part of him aware that something felt different, but the awareness was growing the more he focused on it. Juno had put pieces back together, mended rent seams and filled in the gaps where no material remained from before. Something felt whole again where only shattered remnants once were. It felt like breathing again, after too long a stay underwater.

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sacredvessel
2011-03-29 05:16 am UTC (link)

Juno blinked back the tears, her shoulders sagging as Regulus touched her face and relief washed over her. She had helped to work the change, but his actions were confirmation to what she knew in her heart of hearts. He'd just taken a giant leap toward healing, and she was so proud; yet humbled at the same time.

She reached up to brush his hair back from his face when he closed his eyes, leaning her forehead against his with another deep sigh. "It's okay," she murmured, "We're gonna be okay."

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arrogant_black
2011-03-29 02:02 pm UTC (link)

"You aren't going to run away from me?" he mumbled, not quite ready to speak fully, and he knew it would be a while yet before he could.

He knew the answer, if she was going to run she would have somewhere around the moment he'd shown her his memories pertaining to being a Death Eater. And he was grateful she'd withstood that onslaught of information, because if she had left after he exposed himself so much it would have destroyed him.

"How- what did you do?"

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sacredvessel
2011-03-29 02:58 pm UTC (link)

Juno just shook her head. Her mind was still reeling and she couldn't quite verbalize what she felt just yet either, but she wasn't going to let go or leave him hanging any time soon.

"I don't know. I just tried to find the part of you that you were afraid to let me see, the part that you wished you could change, and make it right." She leaned back just enough to look at him. She knew she could never really undo what had been done in the past, but she could help him change the way he saw himself. Help him separate who he was from who he had been, and who he could be.

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arrogant_black
2011-03-30 02:41 pm UTC (link)

He simply nodded. It didn't make much sense, but then Juno had only had these powers for a short time, she couldn't be an expert on them yet. At least she had some idea.

Regulus had done almost nothing, aside from show up and sit down on Juno's sofa. And yet he felt rather spent, like it would take a great amount of energy to move from the spot, from Juno's presence. More energy than he had in reserve at that moment. And if he felt this way he knew Juno must feel it ten times more than he did, and she hadn't had the benefit of time to buffer her from those memories.

"Can I say here?" he asked, still not letting go. "Just a while longer?"

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sacredvessel
2011-03-30 03:07 pm UTC (link)

It was a lot to process in a very short amount of time, and Juno was sure that if she thought about what she had just seen--and done--then the part of her that was human would freak right out. But the part of her that was borrowed from Aziraphale, and constantly connected with the divine, seemed to bypass her limited understanding of such, and knew instinctively to let go. Whether it was an ethereal thing, a Zen thing, or just the fact that she was in shock, there was something bigger than just plain Juno MacGuff, and she was cool with that.

She nodded, grabbing on of the small pillows and sliding it between herself and Regulus as she wrapped her arms around him and held him close. "You can stay," she said, "I won't let you go until you're ready."

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