InsaneJournal

WHO: Morgana in pyjamas are coming down the stairs and Merlin.
WHEN: after this but before this, this, and this.
WHERE: Morgause's flat.
WHAT: Merlin rushes over and they chat.

Morgana’s mind echoed with the voices that had responded to her rushed, and panicked, voice message. The concern, the relief … the awkward pauses as she explained why she had chosen that method of contacting them. Their confusion when she explained to them why she needed someone to come fetch her like a child. The last thought might have been a bit unkind to those who couldn’t see, as they were fully capable. Nevertheless, Morgana was angry and confused and she hated relying on people. Liked it less than most since she was ten and her father died. Morgana was independent. The only person she had ever come close to leaning on had been Gwen, first because of practical things as the girl had been her maidservant and then because of emotional things as they became became friends; however, even then Morgana kept things from Gwen. So the other woman wouldn’t worry, because Morgana needed the feel of being useful. Of her own breathing space. In an instant, life had been returned to her for reasons she couldn’t quite remember, and she was blind. And, yes, she was much less capable than a child.

Morgause had found her and Morgause had brought her to her apartment; swearing to her, along the way, that she would find a cure. Morgana had only nodded. She hadn’t said much of anything since her sister had found her, outside of speaking to her PDA and giving her polite - and still sincere - thanks for whatever help was provided. The only reason she hadn’t refused to eat was not to worry her sister and she’d eaten very little.

There was a knock and murmured voices that Morgana couldn’t quite hear what was being said. A few moments later things were silent and she heard footsteps. “Who is there?”

“Morgana.”

It was obviously not Morgana despite the fact that it was the answer she was given. The voice was unmistakable though, and suddenly Merlin’s arms were around her. His head was tucked in the crook of her neck, and he was mumbling a string of apologies. He had been so relieved when he’d caught her message that he hadn’t offered much in the way of replies - Merlin had just dashed down the hall to find her. He didn’t even care that it risked running into Mordred, and had kind words to offer Morgause when she pointed him to Morgana’s room.

“I’m sorry, Morgana. I tried to - I wasn’t fast enough - You shouldn’t have been out. I heard you, and I ran as fast as I - I’m so sorry.” Merlin had felt terrible. He couldn’t begin to count the number of toclafane he’d shot down afterward like it would make things better. He’d kept thinking about how she’d tried to call him for help, and if he’d only gone a little bit faster - he remembered holding her as she died again.

When he pulled back, it was just enough that he wasn’t smothering her, and his hands still rested gently on her shoulders. On the upside, at least she couldn’t see that his eyes were red, and maybe the few stray tears pricking at his eyes. It was just a relief to see her, that she was okay. Blind, sure, but not dead - and that was the important part.

“Are you - How are you?”

She heard her name and she couldn’t immediately place the voice. A wave of irritation went through her and it likely showed on her face. She didn’t have much time to try and place the voice before she was being hugged. Morgana stiffened. She was usually the one who initiated contact. No one touched the Lady Morgana without permission. And Arthur and Uther were so very emotionally constipated. If Morgana wanted affection it was up to her to get it. It was … odd to be so suddenly hugged like this, made worse because she didn’t know who it was.

And then the person was babbling. Morgana blinked. Merlin?!

She hadn’t really thought … Not that she had a chance to think. It felt, in some moments, as if the time between now and her death had happened just as fast as an eye blinking. She truly didn’t recall the space between.

It didn’t take her very long before she was rubbing his back. The reaction automatic and her brain was still going on surprised as Merlin buried his face in the crook of her neck. His words were slowly sinking through but she was stuck on one thing: He had missed her.

Morgana blinked back tears rather quickly and was glad that she had managed to push them away when he pulled back. Forcing a smile onto her face and cheer into her voice, Morgana managed not to snap out the very obvious. She was blind. Instead she answered, “I’m alive.” Which was both an answer and a rather good non-answer.

The gentle hand rubbing his back was a little calming, and he did appreciate the comforting gesture. Even though it probably should have been the other way around. Dying had to be traumatic or something, right? Coming back without your sight just as jarring, but Merlin was still just so pleased that there wasn’t some bleeding wound in her chest, and that she was alive.

“I know.” He smiled and pulled her into another hug when she said it. “I’m so glad - I wanted to but I - And maybe the blindness is only temporary, but I can look and see if there is anything to fix - and if Morgause can think of anything I - “ Merlin let go again, sitting down beside her, hands still held gently in his own.

Losing her had seemed to help eliminate any lingering awkwardness. They’d both been trying to get back to where they were before he’d gone back to Camelot, before that truth nonsense, and then she’d died protecting Gwaine and the little girl - And he had missed her, and hated the feeling that he’d failed her again, so this time around would be better.

“I am really sorry though.” He almost needed to know that she wasn’t upset with him, and quite honestly - he wasn’t sure what else to say.

Morgana frowned slightly as she attempted to follow, make sense of, his starts and stops. She took in a slow breath. Perhaps she was being a fatalist but she didn’t see why she would come back blind if it was so very easy to get rid of. Why come back blind at all? Nevertheless, she kept the smile in place. She was about to give her thanks and tell him that Morgause had begun searching almost immediately, when his apology cut off that intention. Her fingers reflexively twitched slightly in his hands before one of them slid upwards in his grasp and tightened, intentionally, around his. “It isn’t your fault Merlin. I knew …” She’d sensed that there wouldn’t be enough time to save herself, she’d known there wouldn’t have been a chance. Morgana hadn’t called Merlin that night to save her but had sent the mental message to ensure that the others would be safe. That the knight and the little girl would be protected.

Morgana had known that there was a chance that she would have died. Merlin hadn’t. And he was just as much of a hero as Arthur. Not being able to make it on time must have killed him and for that she was the one who was sorry. “You saved them.” She continued. “That is what matters to me. It isn’t your fault that I died. You came as quickly as you could. It isn’t as if … I rather figured it out last minute. Please, don’t blame yourself, for my error. I made my own decision. You tried your best and I know that. It means .. it means a lot to me.” Morgana finished with giving his hand another tight squeeze, her voice wavering just slightly toward the end.

It wasn’t that she had expected him to be unmoved by her death, it was just … Morgana honestly couldn’t place an accurate thought or emotion to things. Simply that this was a surprise just how much she’d been missed by someone that she had been on the outs with.

Merlin nodded slightly when she spoke, not even thinking for a long minute that she couldn’t see it. That would just take some getting used to. At any rate, when he did realize he offered a noncommittal ‘alright’ in response, sounding like he didn’t completely accept that it was alright, but wasn’t going to argue the fact with her. They may have been on the outs, but it seemed like such a stupid argument now. Merlin realized after she died that he should’ve just listened to what he’d explained to Gwaine himself, that this Morgana - she hadn’t done half the things they’d argued over yet, and was still the woman who had come all the way to his small home to help him protect his family and friends when she really shouldn’t have. And now she’d died again trying to help protect another of his friends who didn’t even like her, and a complete stranger. He was tired of arguing, and making their time here awkward since at least here he did still have her to be friends with, and when he did get sent back home that may not be the case...

“Is Arthur coming over?” He asked, almost surprised he’d beat the blond here. Merlin had half expected Arthur to be here already. Oh well. When Arthur did come, Merlin could leave Morgana to him, Gwen, and the baby - because he figured that’s where they would go. He wanted to go see if Severus and Regulus were back too, and if they were alright.

“Not that I’m trying to leave. I just - I figured he’d be here already....But I suppose with Gwen and the baby - She had the baby, did they tell you? Arthur nearly fainted repeatedly. You would’ve - You should tease him about it. I kept having to push him back in the room and remind him to breath.” Merlin rambled, eventually laughing a little despite himself.

“No.” Morgana answered, she didn’t sound all that upset. If Arthur had shown up, she would have skewered him. He had newborn child and Gwen, who had very recently given birth, to worry about. She could do without him for a few hours, for a few days even. It would give her more time to prepare for any sort of reaction. “Not anytime soon, he does have Abigail and Gwen to coddle.” She added with a tiny smile. “Faint did he?” Her smile widened. She focused on mocking Arthur in the near future rather than on what and how much she had missed. “I knew he would. It’s lucky he had you to keep him from making a complete mess of himself.” The words were true and sincere. They were, also, her own way of saying that she’d let go of things too and that she really didn’t hold things against him. Anything at all. Though Morgana knew that he didn’t quite accept that, at least in relation to her death. They were lucky - she was finding herself grateful for this - to have the time to work on that. “He would have never forgiven himself and Gwen just might have killed him.”

“Almost. He came out and had to sit with his head between his knees for ages at one point - He looked. Never seen a woman giving birth before, and you’d think it had been the most terrifying thing in the world the way he reacted - all pale and -” Merlin laughed again just thinking about it. He did always enjoy those moments where he got to tell Arthur ‘i told you so.’

“Gwen was probably ready to kill him anyways with the way he kept running away.” Merlin explained. Gwen having the baby had been just the distraction he’d needed at the time, and was working just as well now at keeping them in casual, happy conversation. Tending to Arthur and Gwen had been good for him, and it was strangely calming. He hadn’t had to look after them as much any more, and those old habits like cleaning up and making sure they ate had relaxed him. It kept him from doing something stupid like sitting outside and destroying as many toclafane as possible, which he’d done plenty of after Morgana died.

“She is adorable, and so small. Arthur wouldn’t stop complaining that he was going to accidentally crush her at first.”

A grin, wide and bright, spread across Morgana's face as he described the scene. She could picture it. Possibly exactly. It wasn't very difficult to do so as she knew Arthur very well. Imagining it only caused her amusement to grow. She had teased him endlessly about his being nervous, about childbirth being more difficult than he would expect. "It is very likely the most terrifying thing he's ever scene." Morgana had rented one of the videos and some books, in order to be better prepared to help her best friend and her little goddaughter. It had taken her quite some time to make it past the first few minutes of the actual birth. It was rather gruesome, in her opinion. Certainly something nobles weren’t prepared for, least of all a male. Morgana didn't imagine watching your dogs be born had the same effect of seeing the process of giving life happen with your wife. "You should have taken a picture of his face to show Abigail when she is old enough." Though she imagined that there wouldn't have been much time with the Toclafane and Gwen giving birth earlier than expected. That would have been something that she should have prepared for. And Morgana had. Her intention had been to fork the camera over to Merlin, while she tended to Gwen. Of course, none of that happened.

Morgana's smile wilted, slightly, at the edges but she managed to keep hold on most of it for Merlin's sake. And for the fact that she rather not talk about what was going on in the head at the moment; she knew Merlin would be worried if he saw that her thoughts were upsetting her.

"I can't say that I blame her. If there ever was a time to show what a big, strong, capable knight he was." Morgana rolled her sightless eyes, however, she was still teasing. Her own father had told her how antsy he had been at her birth. How ... Morgana's breath caught slightly at Merlin's last words. How scared he'd been that he'd crush her. He said that she'd been very tiny. The thought caused Morgana's smile to dim but only to replaced by a fond quirk of her mouth. "It's a sign that he'll be a good father. He worries about the most ridiculous things."

“He will be, but I think we’ll have to keep reminding him of that.” Merlin noticed her smile fade a little with worry, but he didn’t make a point of bringing it up. “It’s a shame I didn’t take pictures just to tease him with, but it’s fine - I can just tell stories about it instead. I kind of want to take a picture when he has to change her for the first time if he hasn’t already. I’m sure his expression will be just as entertaining. In fact, thinking about it, I’m surprised he hasn’t called me for help with that yet - or panicked about her getting a little sick after eating.” He couldn’t imagine Arthur knew much of anything about raising a child, except for what he’d read, and books could only prepare you for so much. For a prince who had servants dressing and cleaning up after him for a fair portion of his life, doing something like changing a diaper would have to be at least a little startling.

“And we will.” All the time. This was the one occasion that Morgana wouldn’t mind puffing up so ego, as it was so heart-breakingly lacking. “Gwen says he’s perfect with her.” Morgana pointed out, with a small, fond smile. Gwen was as good at propping up Arthur’s virtues as Morgana and Merlin were at decimating his vices. “I’m inclined to believe her. Though I have no doubt there will plenty of firsts for us to save and use against him in the future.”

“He is. Confused and nervous, but he is a great father. He looks after her and Gwen...” Merlin smiled proudly. He’d never doubted Arthur would be a good father, and between the four of them the littlest Pendragon would be well taken care of. Merlin was plenty excited for his chance to look after Abigail.

“Oh, I’m sure there will be. I’ll make sure I’m better prepared with the camera next time.” He chuckled a little. “I wonder how Uther has been. I saw him at the hospital, but I was never really in the room with him.” He and Uther weren’t friends or family or anything of the sort, so he really hadn’t spoken to the king despite being at Arthur side most of the time in the hospital, and when Uther went into the room Merlin generally found something else to do for a bit.

Whatever Morgana was going to say was cut at the bud at the mention of Uther. Morgana’s face became blank, except for the slight pinching at the corner of her lips. She was confused as to why he had mentioned Uther at all, let alone to her of all people; and Morgana didn’t like it. The mention or the confusion. If it was anyone but Merlin she would have thought they were saying it to gain a reaction, to gain something. However, this was Merlin and Morgana couldn’t fathom the point of it.

“Since when do you show any concern for Uther?” There was a slight incredulous note to her voice.

He faltered slightly, not realizing he’d said something wrong until it was too late. Merlin hadn’t even thought about the fact that obviously Uther wasn’t a good subject, it had just been one of the many thoughts circling around in his head that had found its way into the conversation. “I don’t - I just -”

He didn’t care about Uther, at least, not directly. He had tried to be neutral or civil to the king since the other hadn’t been done the same to him, and because causing trouble would just upset Arthur and Gwen. “Gwen and Arthur want him involved, and I just wondered for them.. I can’t imagine him with a baby, even though obviously - Nevermind..” He voiced, trying to talk out his train of thought, but just figuring it was better to drop the subject.

“Sorry. I didn’t think. Anyways - Is there anything I can get you or something? I’m sure Gwen and Arthur will fuss plenty, but if you need anything - “

Morgana nodded in acceptance of his apology. She didn’t even answer. It hurt her deeply that Uther had cut off their conversation when he had answered to her arrival post. Morgana would have preferred if he hadn’t answered at all. Uther made so much of it seem as if it were her fault, and Morgana knew her errors, her mistakes. However, he had so many that she felt that he twisted on her. He had barely spoken to her, acknowledged her presence since he found out about her magic. She was his daughter. Even before she had discovered that it was by blood - a fact that he still wouldn’t confess to - she had been his responsibility, his to care for, in name. Because her father had trusted him, because Morgana herself had come to care so very deeply for him. She deserved all of the effort that he gave Arthur and he gave her none of it. Morgana didn’t know if she wanted it or if she wanted to throw it in his face. Despite some might think he deserved the latter and she had a right to her anger. It was the only thing that kept her from focusing on how much she missed the way things used to be and how a part of her still loved him, even after all of it.

Morgana frowned, the corners of her lips pulled down rather severely as she listened to Merlin work his way with his words. “Do you think … would it be possible to still work with magic? I know it might be dangerous but … if it were possible, I wouldn’t mind working with you.” It was a stupid thing to ask but she had to know.

“Of course, if you -” Merlin was a little surprised but replied without any hesitation. “When ever you feel up to it. What did you want to work on first?” He had been willing and offered to teach her before, but they never really got around to it. Now they could, but being blind would make it hard to focus the magic on a target (at lease, he assumed it would). Still, he wouldn’t say no because maybe if he’d tried a little more - if they had practiced more before she could’ve protected herself better and -

Merlin stopped himself from going back down that line of thought. It wouldn’t change things now, but he had the chance again. He thought about maybe teaching her to stir up the wind like he had in Ealdor. Something dangerous to do with flames or lightning didn’t seem to be the best idea, after all. Last thing he wanted was it to get out of control, and risk her hurting herself or someone else unintentionally. “I learned how to manipulate water a little better lately, and I’m working on making it freeze.” Merlin added, a little excitement slipping into his tone like it always did when he began talking about his magic.

Merlin’s excitement was catching and a shadow of a grin tugged at Morgana’s mouth. “That sounds that won’t end disastrously.” It would have been nice to practice more with fire. It came easily to her, very much so; and apparently she wasn’t such a bad touch with lightening. However, this was an opportunity to explore magic that she probably would have focused later on. “Mayhap something I can more sense and feel than actually see. I haven’t had much of a chance to work on barriers.” That certainly would have come in handy. “I’m also rather … I’ve been having some difficulties with my animation spells.”

“We can work on barriers. I’m not very good at them either, but we can work on that together.” Merlin could do barrier enchantments to protect rooms like he’d helped Regulus with, but he’d never tried to use his magic like a shield. Usually he just focused on whatever was coming at him. That wouldn’t work so well for Morgana though, and barriers would protect against multiple things instead of just one.

“Like - just making things move? I made my dishes dance once.” After watching Beauty and the Beast, but he really didn’t need to mention that and embarrass himself further. “Some times it gets a little out of hand though. My tea cups would do this synchronized jump and break when they fell off the counter. I had to replace them all.”

Once again, whatever Morgana had been about to say was cut off, derailed and stopped rather efficiently by Merlin’s next words. She blinked, perhaps a bit owlishly, before just laughing. His tone, how he was describing it, what he was describing. Morgana could practically see the mixture of excitement, bemusement, and frustration on Merlin’s face. Why on Earth anyone would want to have their tea cups jump in synchronization, let alone their dishes dance, Morgana had no idea but she wasn’t at all surprised that Merlin attempted it. And it had her laughing, despite herself, very hard.

Merlin was almost thankful she couldn’t see him turn bright red at her laughter, and after that reaction he definitely wasn’t going to tell her he’d done it because he liked the song in Beauty and the Beast where the dishes danced. Of course, his embarrassment aside, it was good to see her smile and laugh. He was a little proud of himself for cheering her up a bit. When she calmed down again, he leaned forward to hug her gently once more. “I should probably get going, and Arthur will be here soon, I’m sure. I’ll come by soon though and we can practice. Barriers or something.”

Merlin let her go and started to stand, biting his lip a bit. “I’m really glad you’re back.”

“I’m sorry, Merlin, I -” Morgana had to stop because slight giggles cut her off. Said giggles were cut off when Merlin hugged her. Morgana tightened her grip around him and momentarily closed her eyes, just taking the moment in.

She wanted to tell him not to go, she thought as her eyes fluttered open and she looked in the general direction of where he was standing. She wanted to ask him to stay with her but Morgause would be back soon and that would be too awkward for everyone. Not to mention, Morgana didn’t want Merlin to see her crying. If she did and she wouldn’t be surprised after this visit if some tears leaked through despite her best efforts. They were very grand efforts.

“Thank you, Merlin.” She said with a small smile. For the promise to come back, for being willing to practice magic with her, for his words. For a lot.