InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "hey miss murder can I?"

Cas, former angel of go-fuck-yourself (bangafewgongs) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2010-11-11 18:16:00

Entry tags:

castiel (end!verse), parker

Who: Cas and Parker.
What: Dealing with feelings and other stuff.
Where: Cas's apartment.
When: Shortly after this conversation.
Rating: Let's go with R for colorful language, equally colorful bruises on Cas, suggestive themes and mentions of violence and drug use.
Status: In progress.

Cas dropped his phone next to him and slumped on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. He ached all over and he felt like a giant bruise, but he hadn't gone to any of the people who could have helped him. Honestly, the aches and the pain made him feel alive for the first time in weeks. He'd been numb and sick ever since he'd given up the drugs, and yet at the same time overwhelmed by the undiluted emotions he felt, and the bruises and the broken bones felt good even as they hurt like hell. He knew that was messed up, that his thoughts weren't making any sense even to him, but he was just so tired and humanity tore at him until he didn't have any real fight left.

If he hadn't texted Parker, he knew he would have dragged himself out of the apartment and found his old dealer. The urge was there, under his skin, and he wanted to for the first time since he quit. He honestly wanted to shoot up again and just forget about all the bullshit. It wasn't that he'd been stupid and thought this was going to be easy. He'd known it was going to be hard, especially going cold turkey and not easing the ache with methadone detox. He was just starting to wonder if it was even worth it. The withdrawal was still awful, even though weeks had passed, and he'd just had his ass kicked by someone who was supposed to be his friend, someone who didn't even believe he could do this, because he was trying to clean up his life. What was the fucking point?

But he had texted Parker and, in a strange way, he didn't want her disappointed in him. Her or Jade or anyone else who knew that he was trying. And, more than that, he didn't want to prove Dean right. He wasn't a fuck-up and he could do this. It was hard and it sucked. He also knew most of his reasons had to do with other people and that wasn't good, because he should have been staying on the right track for himself. And, to some small degree, he was, but he knew he needed to work on that. He was pulled out of his thoughts as Parker came in. "Hey," he said tiredly, giving her a small smile and a wave of his good hand. "You should see the other guy." Even though Dean was perfectly unharmed and the greeting was a terrible joke.

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inafivepoundbag
2010-11-12 01:04 am UTC (link)

Parker was worried. It wasn't often that Parker got worried, at least by normal people standards. However right now, she most definitely was. In fact, since the minute Cas had contacted her and told her what had happened, it was all she'd been able to think about. While she was crawling through the ductwork at the casino, rappelling off the roof, and driving like a madwoman through the streets of Colligo, her every thought had been about what Dean had done to Cas.

The why of it still confused her. Cas said he'd told Dean that he was seeing someone. That he was seeing her. And Dean's response had been to, apparently, beat the ever loving crap out of him. Which made absolutely no sense to Parker, truth be told, but was something she would try to figure out later. For now, Cas needed her help so Parker was going to do her best to help him.

First she wanted to give him the option of healing his wounds. She wasn't sure if he'd take the choice or not - and frankly wasn't worried about it either way since nothing seemed too life threatening - but she wanted him to get the say-so personally. So she'd paid a quick trip to Claire to secure a vial of blood. Then she'd arrived at Cas', letting herself in without preamble and finding him easily enough. Her expression was a wary one as she stepped into the room, gaze sweeping over him and hands bunching into fists from their spot inside the pockets of her leather jacket.

She snorted at his terrible joke and gave a faint shake of her head. "That's okay," she said with the slightest of grins. "Turns out I have a pretty weak stomach." Her own joke, just as terrible to go with his, carried her further into the room. She pulled the syringe of blood out, holding it between two fingers and meeting Cas' gaze.

"Stopped by to see Claire," she explained simply. "I..." She hesitated, finally setting the syringe down on the nearest flat surface and stuffing her hands back inside her pockets. "If you, you know, want it. Since you look like crap." It wasn't meant to be an insult, wasn't said cruelly. It was simply a statement of fact, as far as Parker saw it.

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bangafewgongs
2010-11-13 05:15 am UTC (link)

It was strange, but having Parker there made something settle inside of Cas. He'd been worked up and twitchy ever since the encounter with Dean and now he finally felt his equilibrium returning. That was probably a bad thing, because it implied feelings that Cas wasn't really sure he was in any sort of place to deal with emotionally. And it probably meant he was growing as a person that he could acknowledge his limits, even if he might ignore them later.

"We aren't very funny," he said with a small smile. Then she held up the syringe and he was quiet for a moment. "Not what I was thinking about shooting myself up with," he admitted, looking down at the floor. "I thought about it, you know...after he...just after. Fuck...I really wanted to. I'm not sure I can keep on...I don't know if I can do this." He sighed. "I think I need to ask for help...but I've never been very good at that."

He took the syringe and rolled up his sleeve with his good hand. "One good thing about being a junkie loser," he said with a wry smile. "I'm good at this part." He injected the blood and leaned back, waiting it out as it fixed his injuries. It wasn't painless, but he had a pretty high tolerance for pain. Once the blood had done its work, he gestured, indicating Parker should sit with him.

"So," he said hesitantly, "you're kind of...amazing. You get me...in a way most people don't. And you patch me up...and you actually give a damn whether I live or die and I'm not used to that. And when I look at you...it's kind of like that first time you had me jump off a building." He paused, looking at his hands. "And that feeling scares me but I like it. But mostly it scares me because I'm a mess and I'm not good at feelings...but I kind of want to be."

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inafivepoundbag
2010-11-13 05:56 pm UTC (link)

Parker didn't speak while Cas was talking. She simply stood there, not sure what to say, or do, and afraid if she tried something and was wrong that he'd stop. Stop what, she didn't know. Maybe just stop talking. Or sharing. Maybe just stop everything. All Parker knew was that she didn't want him stopping anything and so she stayed quiet. Wholly out of her element and yet, for just this once, not minding all that much.

"You aren't a loser."

When she finally did speak, that was all she could think to say. Her brow furrowed slightly, lips pulled downward into a concerned frown, she gave a slight shake of her head and dropped down onto the bed beside him. "You're not a loser," she repeated softly. "And you can do this. You have to, because..." Her voice cracked and she paused, clearing her throat and keeping her gaze focused on her hands clasped together in her lap.

"People - normal people - scare me. They don't get me and I don't get them and they think there's something wrong with my brain. Only you don't think that. And when I'm with you, I don't feel so afraid." Parker said it all in a rush, licking her lips before absently chewing on the bottom one. Blinking the moisture from her eyes, she looked back over at him.

"So you have to do this, Cas, because you get me too and I don't want to be the only one who gets me anymore."

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bangafewgongs
2010-11-15 06:34 pm UTC (link)

"I kind of am," he said. "Or most people would say so anyway. I guess it's lucky I don't care what most people think." He smiled slightly, an awkward, uncomfortable smile. That wasn't entirely true. He cared what people thought, or he wouldn't be so bothered by Dean's inability to let him fix his life. He just wanted to pull himself out of this hole he'd been in for what felt like years, and Dean kept shoving him back down.

He listened as Parker spoke, a kind of nervous tension ebbing and flowing inside him at her words. "You're not that hard to get," he said softly. "People just have to try...and most of them don't. People don't like to look beyond their assumptions, which is why they think all we are is what's on the surface. The junkie and the crazy girl. But there's more than that, and we know ourselves so it makes it easier to know each other."

He sighed. "I don't want to do this for you," he said, "because if I'm doing it for you I know it won't stick. I need to do this for me...but I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. I think I might need help."

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inafivepoundbag
2010-11-29 07:47 am UTC (link)

"Then get some help."

That was the thing about Parker. She didn't usually mean to be rude or crass. She wasn't trying to hurt someone's feelings when she said things like that. It wasn't that she was purposefully not thinking about how it might affect them. It was more that she physically lacked the ability to understand that it could, possibly, hurt their feelings. And Parker knew she lacked that ability. She knew she'd never be 'normal', and knew that was partially why the thought of it scared her so much. Because if she ever was the normal one, that meant a part of her was no longer there and she didn't like the thought of that.

With a sharp, jerky movement of her hand, she slid some of her blonde locks behind one ear. She then turned her head to look at him, emotions she had no real concept of how to share shining brightly in her eyes. "I like you better when you aren't on drugs. I like you on them but off of them you're more you," she admitted, the words hard for her to say. Her gaze snapped back to his face.

"This place does crazy things sometimes and it likes doing them to people who are happy. I don't think it's going to let you quit on your own."

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bangafewgongs
2010-11-29 07:58 am UTC (link)

"That's the plan."

This was why Cas and Parker worked. Cas had only been human for a few years, so the emotions were still new to him in a lot of ways, and he wasn't the type to get offended easily. Because of that,Parker's personality had never really bothered him the way it did some people. Parker was Parker, and that's all there was to it. And he liked Parker, a lot. She didn't bullshit the way most people did, and she didn't try to be anything but herself. It was refreshing and, as someone who was still learning how to just be himself without chemical assistance, he appreciated it.

"I'll tell you a secret," he said, once Parker had said her peace, leaning forward and speaking softly into her ear. "I like myself better when I'm not on the drugs too." It was a kind of scary confession, since the drugs had been so much of who he was for so long, but he realized even as he spoke that it was honestly true. He was starting to like himself as a person in a way he never had before.

"I know that's true," he said, "and I want to...but I need to work up to it, you know? At least try to do it myself...and if I start to feel like I'm not going to make it, ask for help."

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