InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "There Can Be Only One"

Sam Winchester [Supernatural] (fireinthesoul) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2010-10-19 17:37:00

Entry tags:

castiel, sam winchester

Who: Castiel and Sam
What: Talking
When: After Sam admitted his plan to kill Azazel
Where: Coffee shop near the library
Warnings: Discussions of addiction, will update otherwise.

Not for the first time, Sam was apprehensive about meeting up with Cas, and talking to him face to face. At least the last time, when he'd told his love about his one night together with Claire, he hadn't been at fault. He had no one else to blame this time out, and noble as his intentions were, he had been sorely misguided. His only saving grace was that it didn't happen, and thanks to Crowley, Sam had had time to think it through and realise what a mistake he could have made.

Sam had hoped to keep the truth of his business with Crowley to himself. He'd meant to to talk to Crowley about that, as soon as Parker busted him out of the panic room. Things hadn't gone quite the way Sam had envisioned. He'd managed to evade the truth with Claire, but he'd confessed the truth to Cas right away. He'd promised never to lie or keep secrets from Cas, and as much as it pained him to tell the truth, he'd been completely honest with the angel. Still, Cas was hurt, and Sam understood that. Sam needed to see Cas, and talk to him face to face, because the texts were somewhat impersonal, and the things that needed to be said needed to be said in person.

Sam made his way to the coffee shop where Juno had taken refuge after being thrown out of the library. He knew the shop was currently abandoned, and that seemed like as good a place as any to talk to Cas. With a little luck, they wouldn't be interrupted there. Sam let himself in, and sat down in on of the chairs to wait for Cas.

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heavenslancer
2010-10-20 03:10 am UTC (link)

There was no joy on the angel's face when he saw his lover this time. No smile, no open arms. His hands rested in his pockets, his arms were close by his sides. He looked exhausted though, physically, he was fine. His fatigue didn't come from his Grace or his body. He couldn't see a future that didn't involve pain and that added weight to his every step.

Castiel loved Sam, more than he could ever express, but he could see now it wasn't as simple as that. Love alone could not bring happiness. The angel's shoulders were hunched forward as he approached Sam, stopping on the edges of his personal space. "What did you wish to speak to me about?" he asked, his voice flat. He struggled to look Sam in the eye.

Did it matter what was said here today? Did it matter what promises were made? Was he enough to overcome Sam's problem? Did he even want to take that path? Could it be done? How long would it take? Would they ever be happy again?

All of these thoughts were swimming around Castiel's head, banging against each other, darkening his eyes and pushing his shoulders to the floor.

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fireinthesoul
2010-10-20 11:11 am UTC (link)

"We need to talk about what happened, Cas." Sam stood and shifted his weight. He could read the angel's posture, and his closed off stance left nothing uncertain. Sam nodded slightly, more to himself, his own thoughts. "And why I did it," he added. His greatest argument fell flat now, because he'd lied about it initially.

"But mostly, I just wanted to see you." Sam raised his chin, trying to be strong. His love for Castiel was great, perhaps greater than anything he'd ever known, save his love for Dean. Even greater than his desire to kill Yellow Eyes, but Sam had realised that just a little too late. "Please, Cas," he murmured, voice dropping low.

"I'm sorry."

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heavenslancer
2010-10-20 12:03 pm UTC (link)

All Castiel wanted to do was take Sam back to their apartment and lay beside him on the bed, quiet, close, in his arms, while he prepared himself for the battle ahead but he knew that was not what was going to happen. Wasn't sure it would ever happen again.

"Sam..." Castiel said tightly. "You need to admit you still feel the pull of the blood. You need to trust me. I am not going to hurt you because you tell me you are struggling with this but... if all I am doing is finding out from others, from Claire, from Parker, from Dean, from you after I have talked you into a corner... then... would you want someone you loved in a relationship like that?" His heart twisted in his chest. Nothing he could think of, not his death, not his torture in Heaven, hurt more than those words to say but to not say them...

"I need to speak for myself or I will lose all desire to... I will be lost to you. I need to be sure what I am getting into is something I want. I love you Sam. I love you in a volume that surprises me, to a depth I have never experienced. I want to be the one to help you through this but... if I can't trust you. If you do not have the integrity I believe you to have then... I can't be with you. If I can't trust you and if you don't trust me what value can we have together?

I'm not as naive as people think. I know what an effective relationship looks like, should have in it. And it's not just love, Sam. I want to be the one you think of first when you have a need, when you have a secret, when you have a joy or a fear. I want you to be that for me but, right now, you are too fragile to burden and I am too tired to stop."

He stepped a little closer to Sam, cupped his face. "If you truly want to free yourself of your addiction I will help you no matter what but if you want to be with me, then those are my terms. I cannot find happiness in a relationship based in secrets and lies and I doubt you can either. I love you, I want to raise children with you, but we cannot act on those things unless this thing changes. Do you understand Sam? Please... tell me the truth."

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fireinthesoul
2010-10-20 04:19 pm UTC (link)

"THat's why I wanted to see you, Cas." Sam nodded. His eyes closed but only briefly. He had teared up, but the tears hadn't found release. He wasn't going to cry, despite the crushing pain he felt in his heart, in his soul. It was his turn to reach out, to put a hand to Castiel's shoulder.

"I love you, Cas. I lost sight of just how much I love you, and I know that just saying I'm sorry isn't enough to make up for that. I made a mistake, going to Crowley, and I am glad he didn't let me have his blood. I thought killing Yellow Eyes was the most important thing, Cas, but I was wrong."

Sam pulled a deep breath, making his chest rise and then fall considerably. His eyes closed again and when he opened them, he looked up for a moment before setting his gaze on Castiel once more. "I realise my biggest mistake in all of this isn't that I went to Crowley. It's that I lied. I didn't tell Claire what really happened, because I was ashamed and embarrassed."

Sam felt like his heart might leap out of his chest. How could he have been so careless? "Even worse than that, worse than all of it, Cas, is that I hurt you. I betrayed your love and your trust and I'm so afraid I've lost you." The yellow eyed demon seemed to take away everything Sam loved, everything he ever cared about. He'd thought Cas would be different, and it was different because if Cas left him now, it was his fault. Azazel might be the catalyst, but Sam had made his own choices and Sam was the one who screwed up and pushed Cas away.

"I love you, Cas. I love you more than the desire to see Yellow WEyes dead. I don't care if he lives, as long as I don't lose you. I'll go to counseling, I'll put myself in rehab, whatever it takes. I don't care about the blood. I care about you, Cas. My Cas, my Angel." Sam's voice broke and cracked and the tears threatened to fall despite his efforts to hold back.

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heavenslancer
2010-10-20 09:19 pm UTC (link)

Castiel wanted nothing more than to close his arms around Sam but he knew he had to stick to his resolved He was not here to accept the first thing he wanted to hear, he was already far too experienced for that. He also wasn't sure what Sam actually realised and what he picked up from what others were saying, no one was being coy about their feelings. Dean had already threatened to cut him off.

"Sam... you stand to lose much of you don't deal with this but, if you do, you stand to gain much more. I will deal with Azazel but we would be having this discussion, sooner or later, without him and I think you know that."

He moved a little closer to Sam. "We will find the kind of help you will need to be free of this. This will be out focus, Sam, until you are free." If you can ever be... His point made he allowed himself to step up to Sam, to close his arms around him. "Do you want a relationship we can both find joy in Sam?" he said softly.

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fireinthesoul
2010-10-20 10:30 pm UTC (link)

"That is what I want, Cas. I love you. I want to be with you, I want to make you happy, and be happy with you." Sam resisted simply melting into his lover's arms, but he leaned into Cas somewhat. His arms went around Cas, and he felt some of the tension ease away.

Sam realised the weight of the mistake he had made. A lot of it was gleaned from the reaction and the response he'd received from the people he loved, those who loved him. He had been surprised at first, but with some thought, he was able to see the point they were all trying to make.

"I don't want to lose you, Cas. I will do whatever it takes to show you." It wasn't just Cas he stood to lose, but Dean and Claire as well, and Ben, the twins. Adam couldn't be far behind, and then Sam would be alone. He was just a hair short of giving the AA greeting; his name and a confession of his addiction, but he felt that would be redundant just then. Cas knew the stakes and the score.

"I can't do it alone, Cas. I need your help. I know I don't have a right to ask anything of you, but I am asking. I need you."

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heavenslancer
2010-10-20 11:46 pm UTC (link)

"I believe you Sam," and he did, this time. He could hear it in Sam's voice, feel it in his reserve. He wasn't looking for the easy way, not in this moment. He knew Sam knew what he stood to lose now and he knew Sam did not want to live without it.

"I'm here Sam. I know you can't do this alone. I'm here. I have no desire to take the easy path. I know this will be hard to experience but... I want to do this properly, to do it right, to do it once, and I know it will be hard on you but I will be there every second you need me Sam. I want to see you through this. I want to get to what I hope, what I believe, lays beyond." The last thing Castiel wanted to do was leave Sam and hoped his lover understood no one wanted him gone from their lives.

"You know what I need, Sam. You know what I want. I will do my best to get you what you need and give you want you want in return, I just have one task to perform first." He didn't move away from Sam, not yet.

"Do you... do you see hope for us Sam?" he asked softly.

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fireinthesoul
2010-10-21 12:00 am UTC (link)

"I do, Cas." Sam brought a hand up to touch the angel's cheek. "With you by my side, Cas, I can get through this. And then we can focus on us."He recognised that in light of recent events he needed to heal himself before he could give himself to Cas the way Cas deserved. The process would be difficult in many ways, but Sam thought the end result would be well worth the sacrifice.

"When we leave here, and you go back to hunting Yellow Eyes, I'll go back tot he Roadhouse." Sam rubbed a hand over his face. "Last night, Cas. Last night, in the bathroom was a flask of blood. I don't know where it came from. I called Dean, Cas, because I knew you were busy with Yellow Eyes and I didn't want to bother you." Sam needed to be completely open and honest with Cas. "I should have called you. I wanted to. I wanted you there, Cas, but last night I still thought killing Yellow Eyes was more important than anything else."

Sam drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. His eyes were no longer teared up, but he was still slightly shaking from emotion. "I didn't touch it, Cas. I want you to know that. I put it down the drain, and I threw the flask away." Having Dean there had been a huge support, and as much as he loved his brother, Dean wasn't Cas. "PLease don't be upset I didn't call to you."

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heavenslancer
2010-10-21 12:16 am UTC (link)

Castiel looked up into Sam's eyes, his expression mild. "I am far from angry, Sam." He smiled softly. "I have much pride for you." He run a thumb over Sam's cheek. "Calling Dean was the right thing to do. He is your brother and wants the best for you too. I am not upset. I am... glad you told me. Knowing that you did that gives me hope Sam and I believe I could use some now." He brush a hand through Sam's hair.

"I love you, Sam, and when I am done hunting Azazel we will talk to Gabriel. We will find a private place and we will deal with this, once and for all. You will have my full attention, all of my time, until you are healed." Cas didn't mention what he would do to the one who lay the flask but that was also on his mind. He hoped to make all future efforts pathetic and redundant. He aimed to see Sam stronger than the petty who would try to bring him down again. He resolved to kill Ruby on sight if she ever turned up here...

"You have many who love you Sam. When you struggle thing of them, of us, of the child we could have, and you will not be alone." Cool lips rested on Sam's forehead for a moment. "You will not be alone."

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fireinthesoul
2010-10-21 01:24 am UTC (link)

"I thought I had it under control, Cas. I really did." Sam closed his eyes. He wanted to lose himself in his lover's arms. He just wanted to hold, and be held. He never wanted to let go.

"But then I lied and I tried to justify and I hurt the people I care about." He couldn't do that, couldn't fall back on lame excuses, if there was a child to consider. And there was, though the children were his brother's babies. They still counted. They needed Sam to be active in their lives, not some distant uncle they never knew because he'd pushed everyone away and no one ever saw him anymore. The thought of that reality made Sam shiver.

"I don't want to do that again, Cas. I know I'll screw up and make mistakes, but this isn't like forgetting to buy bread at the store. I tried to trivialise it, and even though it hurts, I'm glad I got called out on it, and I have to own up to it, so I can learn from it." Sam opened his eyes, his expression softened, his stress somewhat relieved from the confession. He knew a long, hard journey lay ahead of him, but he wasn't alone and he wasn't going to be alone. He could weather any storm, with Cas at his side.

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heavenslancer
2010-10-21 02:15 am UTC (link)

"I know, Sam. I know you thought you could handle it yourself, it was obvious but also painful to see. It was clear to us you were making no real progress and... I took it personally. That was my mistake. I took it to mean you didn't love me, didn't love me enough to put me first as I see others do. I looked at what they had and... felt a sense of loss." He snuggled closer to Sam to take the edge off his words.

"But it is not just your own will, it's a pull beyond that. It had the power to pull you in directions you didn't want to do and... I'm sorry I didn't see that." He laced his fingers thought Sam's. "We will make an agreement. I agree to do my best to tell the difference between what is you will and what is the addiction and you will agree not to trivialise it." It wasn't a question. They were Castiel's terms. He needed them. Needed them to protect himself. Needed them just as much for Sam.

"You are strong enough Sam, you know that don't you? You can do this. I know you can. I know you want to. I... need to go now, my love, but I will return soon, when it is done and then, I am yours." He pressed a gentle kiss to Sam's throat and was gone.

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fireinthesoul
2010-10-21 02:30 am UTC (link)

Sam felt an emptiness where Cas had been the moment he was gone. He hadn't even had a chance to respond to the last things Cas said, but maybe that was for the best. He felt like he was talking in circles, to a point. he needed to quit talking and do something.

He looked around the coffee shop, as if he expected to find something worth finding. With a shrug, he headed out, careful to keep to the shadows and watch his back. The concentration necessary to avoid a zombie run in would keep him from overthinking things with Cas until he got to the Roadhouse, and hopefully Ellen would put him to work the moment he walked in the door.

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