InsaneJournal

Who: Cas (version 2.0), Jade (sort of), zombies.
What: Cas makes a discovery and copes the best way he knows how.
When: Evening.
Where: Streets of Colligo.
Rating: R for character death and implications of violence.
Status: Narrative; complete.

Cas had been going out killing zombies. He couldn't exactly go to work, since the casino was shut down due to mindless undead hordes. If they'd been open, they would have been pretty much a free buffet of tasty brains, if somewhat addled ones in quite a few cases, and Crowley (the non-Anthony J. version) was anything but stupid. The thing about Cas that a lot of people didn't get was that he wasn't as lazy or apathetic as he pretended. Unless he was stoned out of his mind, which he was trying to avoid now, sitting around doing nothing made him twitchy. He'd been a soldier too long to ever really appreciate being idle. Somehow this mess made him feel sane for the first time since Dean had left. And honestly, he hadn't felt especially sane even then. Too little to do. Now, with this, he felt like himself again. He'd always fought, for millennia he had, and now he was fighting again. It felt good.

Or it felt good up until the moment he saw her. It felt as if the world had dropped out from under his feet, and if he'd been anyone else he'd probably have been killed right then because of the moment's hesitation. The shock. But Cas was a soldier. And he was a good one. His eye narrowed and he executed a series of headshots to take out the zombies in the immediate area before turning his attention to Jade. To the body, his mind immediately corrected. He eyes were closed and she might have looked peaceful, like she was sleeping, if it hadn't been for all the blood. He walked a short distance away and retched until his stomach was empty. then he dropped down next to her and ran a shaky hand through her hair. It wasn't safe. It was stupid and Jade would have slapped him. But even though he wasn't an angel any more, he still had a sense to him, and he could tell the difference between a dead body and a zombie. And Jade wouldn't be getting up. If he'd thought for a moment she would, he'd have put a bullet in her skull. But she wouldn't. And he was glad for that because his hands weren't steady enough to do it just then and he may well have turned the gun on himself if he ever had to hurt her...even if it wasn't her any more. Even if it was just some thing...some monster with her face.

He didn't know what she had been doing out of the apartment. She'd been safe when he'd left earlier that day, and in spite of her history in heaven, she wasn't a fighter. The only explanation that made sense was a supply run, and he suddenly felt angrier than he had in years. He wanted to throttle her if it would have made any difference. He wanted to tell her to fuck milk and bread and other useless bullshit. She was more important than those things. He hated her so much right then. More than he hated Dean for leaving and more than he hated God and heaven for fucking off and abandoning them. More than he hated himself most days for becoming such a wreck. He took a shaky breath the broke off into a horrible sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob, as he pulled her body into his arms and just held it. He'd asked her not even two days ago, what he would do without her, and he honestly didn't know now that it was a reality. He wanted to stay there forever, just holding her, but he knew he couldn't. Staying anywhere out in the open wasn't safe. But he didn't want to move just yet. He looked up at the sky, not really seeing it, and the anger rose up again, directed at himself for not protecting her, and at this place and these people and this God who couldn't do a damn thing to stop stuff like this. "Fuck you!" he shouted. "What the fuck good are you if you let shit like this happen? If you let bastards like them do things like this and hurt people...hurt her...you let him take her from me and I..." The words broke off into choked sobs and his shoulders shook with the force of his emotions. He wasn't mad at God, at Elaine, not really, but if he'd focused the anger at the one he really hated, at himself, he'd have done something Jade would have hated him for, and he wouldn't do that.

He was quiet for a long moment, then he got to his feet and picked up Jade, slinging her body over his shoulder. He picked up his gun and headed back toward the apartments. He wanted nothing more than to fill his veins with drugs until he stopped feeling anything, but he wouldn't do that. Jade wouldn't want it and he didn't want it either. He'd take her home, where nothing else could happen to her, and then he'd go out and kill these sons of bitches til he ran out of bullets. Then he'd get some more and start all over. Maybe then the world would make a little sense again.