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You already have everything you need. Now fight. ([info]heavenslancer) wrote in [info]colligo_threads,
@ 2009-09-20 08:50:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:aziraphale, castiel, dean winchester

WHO: Castiel, Anna, Aziraphale and open to others from the network post
WHAT: Castiel's worst fear is visited up on him. He falls. He forgets.
WHEN: Night, during the Nightmare Epidemic
WHERE: Castiel's apartment
Rating: PG 13+ at least

His breath came in rapid gasps as he knelt on the floor. His fingers wrapped themselves in the carpet as if he was afraid he might fall away. The pain in his back burned almost beyond his endurance, bloody from his own fingernails, but that was nothing. It was the name, sliding around in his head that tormented him as it finally dissolved out of his grasp.

The silence pressed against his ears, his body, his twisting soul. His own screams bounced off the walls and came back him. He tried to call out the names that he knew but no one would come, there was no one, there would never be anyone. The tortured thought went over and over and over in his head smothering all others as it went.


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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-09-19 11:38 pm UTC (link)
Aziraphale was worried for his brother. Beyond worried. Castiel was in pain, and he wasn't sure that he could help him. If it was a product of his own mind, he had to help himself, and if it was true...then Aziraphale wasn't sure he would be able to help him. There was only so much he could do, and saving a fallen angel was well beyond his power. But he had to go and at least try. He had promised Castiel that he would always be on his side, and he would not break that promise. He had kept his friendship with Crowley, in spite of the demon's fall. It would be the same with Castiel.

He walked into his fellow angel's flat and froze at the sight. The screams shook him to the core, and he felt a stab of pain for Castiel. But beyond that, beyond the agony, he could feel his grace as clear and strong as the summer sun. How Castiel couldn't feel it baffled him. In an instant he was at his brother's side, kneeling next to him and wrapping his arms around him. "I'm here, my dear," he said softly, pulling Castiel to him. "I'm here, brother. You aren't alone and you are not fallen."

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-19 11:51 pm UTC (link)
There were arms, or something like them. They pinned him, trapped him. He tensed every muscle he had to shake it off. He screamed at the thing beside him, tried to get away.

They had come for his soul, they had come to punish him. The reason he fell, something about the reason. A black vehicle. All he could hold in his mind and it was meaningless.

The thing next to him burned. He knew what it was. He knew why it was here. It had already stolen Castiel's purpose, his grace. Now it had come for his soul. He knew it was over if he went with this angel.
His screams of fear became screams of panicked fury.

Castiel raised his hands and focused every scrap of energy he could to repel the other angel. "Leave me!" he screamed at it. "Leave me or die."

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[info]angelradio
2009-09-20 01:00 am UTC (link)
As the room around her came into appearance, she heard the screams. She heard both of her brothers. Aziraphale words and Castiel's screams. He had thought he had lost his grace, that it was gone. She knew how much that hurt, the pain he must be going through. But it wasn't true. He had not fallen. He lashed out at Aziraphale, but she would have to worry about that after.

This thing. This, whatever it was that was attacking the mortals, was apparently able to reach angels. The Angel once known as Hanael took two steps toward Castiel, and then knelt down infront of him, bringing her vision to his level. "Cas." she said firmly. "Cas, look at me." she raised one hand toward his face, making the gesture as if to place her hand gently on the side of his face, though she never touched him, her hands stopping just inches.

Anna tilted her head to the side, regarding him with worry. "Listen to me, like you once did before. Listen. I'm here, you're not alone." she too had fallen. Though while she had her grace, she had been cut off from heaven. Here, her powers were not as weak as they had been at home, but she was still an outcast, and she knew what he was going through. Or what he thought he was going through.

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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-09-20 01:13 am UTC (link)
He hadn't expected Castiel to try and throw him off. He probably should have, but he hadn't. And it startled him, but he still held his brother and did his best to speak soothing words of how Castiel was not fallen and how he was loved and not alone. He knew it would be hard to get threw to his brother, but he had to at least try. He couldn't allow his brother to suffer like this.

He was even more surprised by the surge of power from Castiel. Not that he possessed it, no...he knew his brother was formidable, but that he had used it against him. He was struck by the angel's power and thrown backwards, hitting the wall and going through it into the hallway. He felt something snap in one of his wings and cried out sharply. Though they were not always visible, by his own choice, they were always there, and he stopped trying to hide them. The left was bent at an odd angle, and Aziraphale didn't look much better. He wiped away blood from his mouth and pulled himself to his feet, limping back over to Castiel.

Anna was there now, and he hoped that she would get through to their brother. "She's right, brother," he said softly, moving next to Anna. One hand went to her shoulder to support himself and the other reaching out toward his brother, hovering over his heart, where he could feel his grace. It was present and strong. "You are not alone. You are safe and loved. And we will not leave you." He reached out, letting go just enough to let his own angelic nature show through, to let Castiel feel God's love and Heaven's grace. "You have not fallen and we will not let you. Believe in us, Castiel."

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-20 02:43 am UTC (link)
His eyes were narrowed in distrust, his face turned at an angel as if expecting a blow. Another had come. Would they keep coming until they had overpowered him?

He raised his hand. So let them come. He would keep sending them into the walls until there was nothing left of them. The anger was good. It helped. It distracted him from the pain.

His open hand was aimed at the second angel's chest. He stared at her, blinked.
Look at me
He paused.

Cas
Not his name, but something like it. It made him flinch.

Cas Those who would come to take him to That Place would not call him that way, surely.
He blinked again, his head turning to face her.
"Anna?" he said, his voice broken. "They sent you?"
But why Anna? They would not send...

But his thought were interrupted as something else happened, a feeling flowed over him. The other angel was doing something. Castiel flinched, withdrew into himself but the feeling continued to flow from his brother. "You cannot trick me," said Castiel, though there was no heat in his words now as he looked at Aziraphale without recognition. The feeling grew stronger and yet Castiel pulled away, mistrust all over his face. He withdrew from the feeling he craved most on all existence and spat on it with his words. "Don't lie to me. It's not mine. It's not mine!"

Then a thought occurred to him. His voice was small as he asked, "Is this my punishment? To remind me of what I have lost? You will not break me."

He looked back to Anna, confused. Anna would not be a part of this, surely. Not Anna. Castiel's eyes flicked back and forth like those of a hunted animal, his mind swirling in paranoia and indecision waiting for them to start making sense or leave.

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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-09-20 03:11 am UTC (link)
It hurt, something sharp and poignant in his chest, that Castiel recognised Anna and not him. But he pushed aside the feeling as useless and out of place. Of course Castiel was closer to Anna, having spent time with her while Azirphale had done his work on Earth. And none of that mattered, so long as Castiel was all right.

He replaced the feeling of God's love with his own love and affection for Castiel, letting the angel feel that. He felt that maybe it would be better received. He turned Castiel's face so that he could look him in the eyes. "Look at me, dear boy," he said softly, but firmly, holding on to the other angel. "It's Aziraphale. You know me. And I am not like them. I will not ever hurt you, no matter what you do. I would never break you. Look at me, brother. I would not lie to you. You are not alone and you are safe. And you are loved, Castiel." He didn't use the nickname the others did. He never had and Castiel wouldn't trust the name coming from him.

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[info]angelradio
2009-09-20 11:31 am UTC (link)
He recognized her, and for a moment, she felt a small spark of hope. Though the reaction changed with Azirphale was beside her. Cas didn't recognize him. Or didn't trust him? He was still a full angel, one not cut off from heaven. That could be it. It would make sense, based on what Castiel was saying.

She should have told him to back off, but he was trying to help. Anna had no desire to hurt him over this. "Cas." she said, trying to get his eyes to stay on her. "He isn't here to hurt you, and he won't." she said gently, trying to get him to focus.

"Aziraphale hasn't harmed me, and he will not harm you." even though Castiel had nothing to worry about when it came to that. What ever this force was. Demon, magic, what ever, it was powerful, and it needed to be stopped. "I won't leave you." she assured him. "And no one will harm you."

"I wasn't sent, I came because I was worried about you." this wasn't orders, she didn't take orders anymore, and he knew that. No one had sent her, she was already here.

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-20 01:10 pm UTC (link)
They were throwing words at him, using his name a lot. Where they afraid he had forgotten who he was?

Something nudged at his being, a feeling, a warmth. It was bright and he resisted it at first, mistrusted it. It came from the other angel.

He gave his name.
Aziraphale

Csstiel looked to Anna. She was looking back at him, right into his eyes. She was speaking on behalf of Aziraphale. Anna would not deceive him, would not lie for Heaven's benefit. Castiel closed his eyes and dropped his defence tiredly. The feeling that now came flooding in from the other angel was both familiar and foreign. It was close to overwhelming and Castiel was not ready for it but it had it's own light. It slowly worked on the darkness in his mind, soothing it.

He sat still, his eyes closed, for a long while before he opened them again. He looked up at Aziraphale but this time with recognition.
"Brother," his voice was thin. He looked to Anna. "Sister."

He shook out his head, his shoulders sagged in relief. "I am safe from you," he acknowledged. "But I cannot ask you to be part of my defence. You must go, especially you Anna. They will take you too. I cannot be the cause of that." Again "I can fight them off. They will be here soon. You must go," he looked into Anna's eyes, his expression urgent.

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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-09-21 04:38 am UTC (link)
Aziraphale gave his brother a tired smile as Castiel finally recognised him. The physical pain he felt was secondary to the relief that flooded his heart. "We won't leave you, brother," he promised softly, "never." He knew that no archangels were coming for Castiel, but he didn't want to argue and set him off again. "I told you before that I would not leave you to stand alone against Heaven," he reminded Castiel, "and that has not changed. I will stay here, by your side, and keep you safe." Even from yourself went unsaid.

He glanced over at Anna, concerned. He didn't know what it would take to snap Castiel out of this. He considered the options, then turned to his sister. "Perhaps you should get Dean," he suggested. He knew his brother was fond of his human charge, and his presence might be of some help in this. At the very least, Dean wasn't an angel, and therefore wasn't a threat.

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[info]angelradio
2009-09-21 08:56 pm UTC (link)
She smiled, shaking her head. "I won't leave you." she insisted. She knew she was in no danger, at least not here, at the moment. The only danger Castiel was in, was perhaps, from himself. As long as she staid, she could prevent anything from happening to him.

A considering looked was given to Aziraphale. Perhaps his charge would help him focus just a bit. Looking back to Castiel, she placed one hand on his shoulder. "I'll only be gone a moment." and then she was gone. the space where she was had become vacant as she pin pointed Dean's location, not in the buildings, but in some motel room.

She would not have time for long explanations. A short one, straight to the point, and then she would ask for him to come with her. He didn't have to, he could refuse, but she would hope he would not.

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[info]_waywardson
2009-09-21 09:14 pm UTC (link)
To say Dean was not doing well would be an understatement. The earlier hallucinations of hell hounds and Ruby at Jo's apartment had spiraled into a full out waking nightmare for him. Every inch of the motel room he had holed himself up in was covered by the horrible things he had seen in hell, the room filled with screams echoing off the walls. He tried to keep telling himself that it was not real, it was just an illusion. But that of course was easier said than done.

Dean took another long drink from the bottle in his hand and blinked seeing Anna appear in his room. "You have got to stop doing that," he muttered and tried to give her a smile though it feel rather short.

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[info]angelradio
2009-09-21 09:34 pm UTC (link)
It wasn't hard to tell that something wasn't quite right with him either. Maybe he could use a distraction as well. "I told you, I like the element of surprise." she said, in the exact same tone she had last time. "I need you to come with me." she regarded him with a steady gaze, face completely serious. "Whatever is affecting the people here, seems to be affecting Angels as well. Castiel believes he has fallen, and heaven is after him. We think someone else he trusts might help to steady him."

And Castiel did trust Dean in a sense. She knew he had chosen, and he had chosen because of Dean. So he was putting his Faith in Dean. That, coming from someone like Castiel, was no small thing. Staying where she was, Anna held out her hand to him. "Please."

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[info]_waywardson
2009-09-21 10:08 pm UTC (link)
Dead tried to focus on Anna but every so often his eyes would flicker away as some new horror in the room visible to only him would catch his eye. But when she mentioned Castiel he snapped his attention back to her and worked through the haze from the bottle of alcohol.

"I..." he trailed off for a moment. He could barely help himself at the moment what good could he really do for Cas? But when push came to shove Castiel had pulled through for Dean, trying to do the same was the least Dean could do. He nodded slowly. "Okay, let's go," he said and reached to take her hand.

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-22 07:12 am UTC (link)
Castiel noticed Anna leave, knew she had planned something with Aziraphale.
She had gone to get someone, she was coming back.

It was a foolish thing to do and all the time she was gone he became more agitated. Why wouldn't she listen? Why did she have to be so stubborn? She had always been like that and it made no sense at all. Did she want to be captured.

"You need to go, you need to go and take Anna with you," Castiel said to Aziraphale. His voice was detached as he sat on the floor. He started rocking back and forth slowly, clawing at his own back with long, deliberate, strokes like he was shredding newspaper.

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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-09-22 07:38 am UTC (link)
Aziraphale watched Castiel become more and more agitated, finally taking hold of the other angel's hands so that he couldn't harm himself. He pulled Castiel to him and wrapped his arms around him, just holding him and doing his best to comfort him. "Anna is safe," he promised, "and she will remain so. I would never allow her to come to hard, brother. Never."

"You need to calm down and focus, Castiel," he said softly. "You are safe and no one will harm you. I would not lie to you...you know this." One hand smoothed Castiel's hair gently, while the other remained wrapped low around his back. His hand moved up to run along one of his brother's wings, stroking it softly as he whispered comforting words, promises of safety and reminders of how Castiel was loved and not alone.

"I'm not leaving you, my dear," he whispered. "I'll never leave you." He would stay even if Archangels really were coming. He'd be no match for them like this, but he would stay for Castiel's sake. "Just calm down and focus." He needed Castiel to realise that all of this was in his head, but he didn't know how to make him believe it. He just continued holding him, resting his forehead against Castiel's as he spoke quietly.

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-22 08:01 am UTC (link)
If a human had have touched him as Aziraphale was Castiel would simply have withdrawn completely from the contact but this was his brother he leaned into the touch from long habit.

Still, no one was taking the threat seriously but him. Why were they trying to keep him calm? What did they want him to focus on?
Calm was dangerous here, complacency death.

He barely felt a hand on his wing. It had seemed like aeons since anyone had even noticed they were there and certainly longer since they were touched, not that he minded. Castiel was never one for much contact but he tolerated this because it was from his only loyal brother.

He touched his wing.

His wing.

"Castiel's eyes widened," brother. "Why do I still have my wings? How are you doing that?"

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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-09-22 08:13 am UTC (link)
And now, Castiel was understanding. Aziraphale could see it, and bloody lips twisted into a small, fond smile. Castiel was, perhaps, his favourite brother, and it had hurt to see him in pain. Usually, he wasn't quite so tactile with anyone but Crowley, having picked up certain British affectations in his time on Earth, but he made an exception for Castiel.

He hand continued to run along the wing, and he sighed softly before speaking agan. "Because you are not fallen, Castiel," he said. "Because you still retain your Grace. Trust me, brother, and know that I speak the truth and would never lie to you...and certainly not about something so cruel. You are still an angel, Castiel, still loved by God."

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-22 09:12 am UTC (link)
Castiel voice was small, his hands returned to scratch at his back.
"The why does it hurt? Why does it burn like the sun has been ripped though my back? I have never felt anything like this hole in my being. It is too big to fill. It runs down forever. Anna knows. Crowley knows.

This is falling. I know this is falling. Aziraphale, what are you missing? Why did it go wrong?" He twisted his head to look at his own wings the he looked back to his brother. "I can't feel Him any more. There is the just the blackness." Jimmy's fingernails scrapped over layers of fabric as if he could rub out the pain with them.

"Do I even fail at falling?"

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[info]angelradio
2009-09-22 01:35 pm UTC (link)
When she took Deans hand, he smiled, and then they were gone, the motel melting from view and being replaced with the apartment she had left her brothers in only a second later. She appeared with Dean just a few feet away from from where she had been kneeling before.

Releasing Dean's hand, she looked toward him, "Talk to him." she said, in a reassuring matter, before walking forward again to kneel beside Castiel to let him know she was back.

It wasn't real. There was no pain, and had had not failed or fallen. He might, perhaps, be cut off from heaven for his choices, but he, like her, was still very much an Angel at this point in time.

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[info]_waywardson
2009-09-23 07:50 pm UTC (link)
When they landed Dean stumbled back a few steps, trying desperately to hold onto his balance. He imagined for them it was as easy as walking but to him it felt like the entire world had been dropped away and thrown back at him. He shook his head a little at Anna. "Yep, never getting used that that."

Dean had no idea what he was even supposed to say. He was barely holding his own life together at the moment. The obvious distress on Castiel's face was clear to see and he walked the short distance between them apprehensively. "Uh, hey Cas, this thing got you too?" yes, Dr Phil retire now, Dean Winchester has entered the building.

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-23 09:11 pm UTC (link)
Castiel was really starting to worry for his fellow angels.
Not only had they lost their sense of self preservation, they were now apparently collecting people off the street and schooling them in some absurd pretence.

Had be not been close to breaking he may have taken pity of them but he had no patience for their foolishness now.
Ignoring Dean he looked pointedly at Anna and Aziraphale, his voice strained, "Why did you bring me this human?" he snapped.

He turned to Dean, his voice shaky from screaming and soft with tiredness.
"I apologise for this. I do not know what has gotten into them. You may leave."

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[info]_waywardson
2009-09-24 08:36 pm UTC (link)
There was a moment where the fact that Castiel in this state had no clue who Dean was definitely seemed to bother him, a slight change in his presence which hinted towards hurt. But Dean pushed past that and tried to focus on the fact Cas didn't remember him and not how much that kind of sucked.

"I'm not going anywhere Cas," he assured the Angel. "Look there's something freaky deaky going on here," he started, "whatever's happening Castiel, it's not real, not really."

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-24 09:18 pm UTC (link)
"Why do you speak to me with such familiarity?" Castiel asked Dean, his tone uncertain.

And why does it feel strange when you use my full name?

Castiel frowned deeply. "The pain is real," he said, sounding almost petulant and certainly frustrated.
"The blackness is real."

His tone turned angry, his movements jittery.

"How can you say it is not, human? What do you know of such things? What do you know of Heaven and Hell except what you have read and barely believed?"

He dropped his eyes and lifted his hands over his shoulders to claw at his back as if trying to tear off his own wings, seemingly unaware that Dean was even still in the room.

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[info]_waywardson
2009-09-25 03:07 am UTC (link)
"Because we're friends, remember," he answered Cas.

Dean could remember what he'd read on the board between some people, that the way to get past it was to overcome your fear or whatever. Which seemed a hell of a lot easier said than done, especially with some of the fears racing through his head. But maybe between him, Anna and Aziraphale they could get Cas through his.

Dean closed the space between him and Castiel and kneeled down in front of him. He grabbed Cas' hands and pulled them away from his back because clawing himself up wasn't going to do much good, now was it. "I know because I was there, you pulled me out Cas."

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-25 05:10 am UTC (link)
"Angels do not befriend humans," Castiel said, his voice cool. "It is strongly discouraged... unless... is that how I fell? Did I get too close to you? No, I would remember that. I don't remember you. I have never met you." Doubt was starting to creep into his voice, however.

Then Dean grabbed his hands and pulled them forward. Castiel did not overly like being touched but his movements were becoming less determined, less aggressive and he allowed the human to pull his hands away. He wasn't even sure what he had been doing.

He looked at Dean with a doubtful stare then shook his head, "I would not forget going to Hell. You must be lying. I think you should go," Castiel stood up and turned his back to Dean, revealing a few small bloodstains on his coat.

"Aziraphale, Anna, I don't know what's wrong with you but please do not bring anyone else here. Take the human back to where you found him. He lies."

And yet, there was something familiar about the way this Dean spoke his name. Castiel pushed it aside.

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[info]_waywardson
2009-09-29 02:00 am UTC (link)
Dean stood when Cas did, letting out a slow breath. He pressed a hand to his forehead trying to ignore the hell that had followed him here and focus on what was actually happening instead. He didn't like the idea that Cas had no idea who he was, it stung, ripped through him in a way not a lot could. Dean didn't have many people on his side, not really, and ones he actually kind of liked at that were even rarer.

"You haven't forgotten Castiel, not really," he tried again to Cas' back. "Just try... please."

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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-09-29 06:18 am UTC (link)
Aziraphale had remained quiet while Dean and Castiel spoke, but finally, he grew tired of Castiel's objections. Like the other angel, he didn't really have qualms about personal space, so he stepped over to Dean and raised his sleeve so that the handprint on his shoulder was visible. Then he took hold of Castiel's hand and placed it against the mark.

"You did everything he says, brother," he assured him tiredly. "You know that I would never deceive you. Deep down you know that. And you also know that Dean is telling you the truth."

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-29 06:24 am UTC (link)
Castiel was again being handled against his will and he pulled back but Aziraphale was more determined and he couldn't free himself.

Aziraphale was continuing to act strangely. He was rolling up the humans sleeve. Why was he.... that was a curious mark. It was an angel's mark. Aziraphale was pressing Castiel's hand to it.

It fit perfectly. Castiel stared at it for a long time then he turned to stare at Dean, his eyes curious.

"You- you don't call me Castiel," he said, a hint of recognition in his voice.

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[info]_waywardson
2009-09-29 09:51 pm UTC (link)
Dean gave Aziraphale one hell of a look when the Angel invaded his personal space and proceeded to roll up his shirt. "Dude," he said and raised an eyebrow. Damn Angels and their lacking of asking before doing things.

Of course Castiel's hand fit perfectly to the scar, he had made it after all.

When Cas looked at him Dean pulled his arm away lightly and rolled shirt back down. "No, I guess I don't," he answered. Dean really wasn't sure why or how it became Cas, it just sort of came out in conversation and stuck.

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-09-30 01:07 pm UTC (link)
Castiel dropped his hand as Dean pulled away.
He stared intently into Dean's face, standing inches away as he always did in the habit he had forgotten he had.

He cast his eyes over every feature, the green eyes, the spiky hair, the rough-hewn bones. There was definitely something familiar about it.

"I pulled you from Hell," he parroted back at Dean. "That would make you my charge."

He looked at the floor then back up and the question was for the room at large. "Why would I forget you? You did not forget me."

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[info]neversellsbooks
2009-10-01 03:37 am UTC (link)
"It's a powerful demon," Aziraphale spoke softly, from his brother's side. "It is clouding your mind and bringing to life your fears. You fear falling and you fear losing your charge and...your purpose. And so he makes these things a reality for you. You feel you have fallen and he has taken away your charge in the only way he can. Your memory."

He looked Castiel in the eye. "But you are stronger than you know, brother," he said, "and you are stronger than this. Do not let him beat you. All of this...it's nothing more than what he has placed in your mind. And you can overcome it. I have faith in you, Castiel."

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[info]heavenslancer
2009-10-02 03:13 am UTC (link)
Castiel felt no embarrassment at having his worst fears laid out for him, for this Dean. They were amongst the fears of all angels.

He frowned in concentration as if he could dredge up the lost memories by sheer force of will.
When he could not he dropped his eyes to the floor and pressed a hand over the knot in his chest.

"What do I do?" his voice was wretched. He looked up at Dean, "Tell me something. Tell me something we did."

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