clo (clo) wrote in clofic, @ 2005-06-17 23:30:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | andy roddick, andy roddick/roger federer/mardy fish, mardy fish, one-shots, pg-13, roger federer |
One-shot: Catharsis (PG-13, Andy Roddick/Mardy Fish/Roger Federer)
Title: Catharsis
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/s: Roddick/Fish, Federer/Roddick/Fish
Summary: Sometimes dreams can seem too real. Mardy doesn’t quite understand but knows Andy’s not simply overreacting.
Notes: I had bad dreams. I wanted to make sure I never, ever had one particular one ever again. This is my catharsis – because as much as I wanted to I couldn’t fly to Switzerland at 4 in the morning. Set around November30th/December 1st 2004, just before the Davis Cup final of the USA vs Spain in Seville. Unbeta-ed and no the German has not been checked and yes, there will be appalling errors. It’s 2:30am. Let me have my fun. Please.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never happened to my knowledge. All own themselves and have nothing to do with me. Not making money off the pretty guys kissing each other, it’s just for fun.
Catharsis
Andy sat bolt upright in bed. The sweat-damp sheets were clinging to him, tangled around his legs and waist and the soft hum of the air conditioning didn’t seem to be making the room any cooler. For a long moment he stayed silent, eyes screwed tightly shut, then a tiny whimper escaped clenched teeth.
“Ngh.” Beside him in the large bed, Mardy rolled over, opening one eye sleepily. “‘ndy? What’s wrong?”
Andy didn’t reply. Mardy frowned, dragging a hand free of the sheets to rub his eyes. “Andy?”
This time he got a quick gasp for air, choked and short, as his answer. Alarm had him sitting blearily upright, one hand going out to tentatively rest Andy’s shoulder. The soft skin was damp with sweat under his palm. “Hey love, what’s wrong? Bad dreams?”
Instead of saying anything, Andy merely crumpled against him, hiding his face against the side of Mardy’s neck with a soft sound of distress. Even more worried but at something of a loss, Mardy wrapped his arms around his fellow American and hugged him tightly, whispering confused comfort.
“Hey love, it’s okay. I’m here. Shh.” He stroked Andy’s hair, wincing when he found it dripping wet with perspiration. “It was just a dream right? It’s ok. I’m here.” He tried to lean back a little to see his lover’s face but Andy hung on, shades of desperation in the embrace. “Whoa, I’m not going anywhere. It’s ok, it’s ok.”
The room felt stifling, the heavy Spanish heat seeming to weigh down the air though Mardy knew he’d turned the air conditioning to full only hours earlier. Andy’s grip was tight enough to leave bruises around Mardy’s arms and pressed against each other this tightly, sweat seemed to glue their skin together. The room smelt of a salty mixture of sweat and sex despite the air conditioning, clinging fuzzily to Mardy’s mouth and throat as he tried to breathe. He ignored the discomfort to concentrate on the trembling heap of terror in his arms.
“Andy,” he said softly. “Tell me what’s wrong. Was it a dream?”
Andy made a quiet sound, muffled against Mardy’s bare skin. It could have been agreement or it could’ve simply been a sob. Mardy decided it was pointless pushing the issue with Andy in this state and just held him, rubbing a hand in soothing circles over the American’s back while his other hand stroked his hair. “Shh, it’ll be ok. I’m here, nothing’ll happen to you.”
“Didn’t happen to me,” Andy whispered, so quietly Mardy almost missed it. His heart leapt at Andy actually speaking then sank almost instantly as he registered the words. He knew only a very few nightmares would make Andy react like this and they all involved a few, specific people.
“Who was it?” Mardy kept his voice low and gentle. “Me?” Andy shook his head without lifting it and Mardy was torn between relief and fear. If it had been about him at least his simple presence could have reassured Andy. Someone else meant… there were only a couple of other people in the world that could affect Andy like this and they were all vast distances away.
Unless Mardy was very much mistaken, the moment Andy recovered enough to remember the phone beside the bed someone would be getting a tearful, international call.
“Was it Roger?” Mardy almost couldn’t get the question out – if the answer was yes then Andy wasn’t likely to calm down anytime soon. Andy’s ragged half-sob, half gasp for air was all the answer he needed and he took a deep breath. “Andy he’s fine, he’s at home. We spoke to him this morning.”
“I know but-“ Andy tore himself away from Mardy’s arms, ignoring the other American’s gasp as sweat-sticky skin parted abruptly. “Phone, phone-“ He spotted it on Mardy’s bedside table and half-leapt across to it, oblivious to Mardy steadying him hastily before he fell off the edge of the bed.
“Andy calm down, it’s like four in the morning-“
“I have to talk to him. I have to see-“ Andy sounded near tears again and Mardy took a deep breath. Roger would understand the moment he heard Andy’s voice. Andy knocked the phone off the hook and swore desperately as he grabbed for it, punching numbers in hard enough to break the plastic and confuse the phone into a politely distressed beeping. Mardy rescued it with some difficulty from Andy’s grasp and wrapped a comforting arm around the other American’s waist as he redialled the correct numbers from memory.
The pause as the call connected felt endless. Andy’s breathing was fast, ragged and he shivered against Mardy despite the stifling air. Mardy swallowed as the agonising silence from the phone was broken by shrill ringing. Without meaning too he began to count the rings.
One. Two.
Pick up, god damn you Roger pick up-
Three. Four. Five.
As best he could without Andy noticing, he crossed his fingers. As an afterthought he crossed his toes too.
Six. Seven… Ten. Twenty.
And finally, even though he was still silently begging the Swiss to answer, came the very words he had been praying not to hear. A funny chill went through him.
"I’m sorry, your call has timed out. Please hang up and try again…"
The words started to be repeated in Spanish, then German but Mardy stopped listening. Andy had gone tense beside him, the shivering increasing until he was practically shaking the bed.
“He didn’t pick up did he?”
“I probably just dialled the number wrong-“ Mardy knew he hadn’t. Andy rubbed a hand angrily across his face, scattering tears, then pulled away from Mardy and rolled off the bed. He snatched up a towel from the back of a chair as he stalked towards the bathroom they shared.
“Call the airport. We’re going to Switzerland.”
“Andy we can’t – we’ve got all the press stuff tomorrow, for the Cup-“ Mardy shut his mouth as Andy glared at him, the dim half light from the glow of the city through the widow enough to reflect eerily from his narrowed eyes. Mardy looked away, exhaling a long sigh.
“I’ll call the airport.”
~
Five minutes later Andy was out the shower and dressed, pacing the room like a caged animal. Mardy was trying to get some sense out of the Spanish receptionist on the other end of the phone.
“No Basel. In S-w-i-t-z-e-r-l-a-n-d.” He listened for a moment. “No, not Sweden, Switzerland.” He took the phone away from his mouth and stuck his hand over it, looking helplessly at Andy. “How the hell can you confuse Switzerland with Sweden for godssake?” He put the phone back to his ear. “Yes! That’s it. Can I have the flight times please?” Andy almost sprinted across the room to listen, face still tear stained. Mardy held up a warning hand to keep him off as he listened intently. “No, tomorrow is no good. We need to go today, preferably in the next six hours.” Pause. “What about a connection?”
The hope in Andy’s expression crumbled into despair and he slumped onto the bed. Mardy pulled him into a hug while he listened to the vaguely sleepy Spanish accent on the other end of the line.
“Fly to Zurich then on to Basel? What time would we arrive in Basel then?” Mardy threaded his fingers through Andy’s, squeezing the other American’s hand comfortingly. Andy seemed to be holding his breath. “Half one? This afternoon right? Hang on a sec.” Mardy covered the phone again. “Andy we can get there for this afternoon at the earliest.”
“Do it. I don’t care.” Andy buried his face in Mardy’s chest, clinging to him tightly. “I need to see him.”
“Can I book two seats for that connection?” Mardy felt his heart sink as he actually asked the question. They were going to be killed for this. McEnroe, their team mates, their coaches – it was just a matter of who found them first with a sharp object on hand. He looked down at Andy, huddled against him and decided it didn’t matter. Here or in Switzerland, there was no way Andy could do the publicity in this state. As the woman confirmed their booking, he felt a thrill of fear.
If Andy was upset enough to do this could there really be…
Mardy mentally kicked himself before he could finish the thought. Don’t be stupid. It was just a bad dream. We’re doing this to stop Andy freaking out.
It made him feel a little bit better. Not much, but a little.
“We’ve got it,” he said, after thanking the woman and hanging up. “We’ll pick the tickets up when we get there. We’ll need to call a cab; we’ve only got three hours.”
“Ok.” Andy still hung on, shifting a little so he could press a kiss to Mardy’s shoulder. “Thanks Fish,” he said softly. “For not… not…”
“I know.” Mardy gently tilted Andy’s chin so they could kiss properly, Andy’s lips flavoured with salty tears. “I know.”
They left the room quarter of an hour later with nothing more than their wallets, phones and the clothes they were wearing since they hadn’t the time to pack anything else. They’d been gone less than two minutes when the phone beside the bed rang, echoing shrilly in the empty room.
~
“Andy, take a deep breath,” Mardy advised three hours later. “It’ll be fine. We’ll get there and Roger will laugh his ass off at us for worrying.”
Andy was curled in the next seat, forehead leaning against the plastic window as tears streamed down his face. Mardy leaned over to hug him, helplessly resting his chin on Andy’s shoulder. “Sshhh love. It’ll be okay. Would it help to talk about it?”
Andy shook his head, closing his eyes. Mardy tightened the hug and didn’t let go as they taxied onto the runway and took off, the roar of the engines hiding the little snuffling sobs coming from Andy. The doubts that had started to nag at Mardy back at the hotel resurfaced.
What if-
He bit his lip to distract himself, wincing as he tasted blood. They were flying across Europe with Andy in tears because of a bad dream. That’s all. Roger was going to be stunned to see them turn up on his doorstep and would probably order them to get the hell back on a plane before the press noticed their absence in Seville. No matter what Andy had dreamed, no matter that Mardy had never seen Andy quite this upset before, no matter that Roger hadn’t picked up the phone which was unheard of – there was nothing wrong. Nothing at all.
He kept repeating that to himself over and over for the entire flight.
~
“Pat’s gonna kill us,” Andy said suddenly. It was the first time he’d spoken in over an hour and his voice was rough from tears. “We didn’t even tell him…”
They were in the rental car, speeding along the thirty minute drive to Roger’s house fast enough to get there in twenty. Andy had calmed down somewhat, curled up in the passenger seat, but he still sniffled every so often and his eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot in his pale face. Mardy took a hand off the wheel to rest it comfortingly on his lover's shoulder.
“I stuck a note under his door when we went past,” he confessed. “I said an emergency had come up and I’d call him this afternoon when we got there. I’ll call from Roger’s and do some grovelling.”
“Call,” Andy said suddenly and sat up, digging frantically through his pockets, dislodging Mardy’s hand. “We turned our phones off on the plane; he might’ve been trying to call-“
“Andy we’ll be there in two minutes-“ Mardy started then broke off helplessly. If Andy wanted to call ahead let him; it might make the actual arriving there less of a shock for Roger. And although he would never have admitted it, especially to Andy of all people, deep down Mardy was terrified. He had never believed in dreams being prophetic or deeply meaningful but he’d never seen anything scare Andy this much before. The sooner they found out everything was actually okay the better.
By the time Andy had found his phone and turned it on, they were rounding the corner into Roger’s street, which Mardy was secretly relieved to see in one piece and apparently continuing life as normal, kids kicking a football around on one of the lawns while across the street a couple were re-painting their house yellow. Andy started to hit the speed dial button anyway only to drop the phone in surprise when it rang, just as Mardy parked the car.
“Who-“ Mardy saw Andy staring at the phone as if it might bite and sighed, leaning over to pick it up. A glance at the caller id had him scrambling frantically to hit the ‘answer’ button. “Roger?! Are you okay?”
Andy climbing across the car to try and wrestle the phone off him meant he lost most of the furious spate of German the Swiss gave him as an answer. What he did catch had Mardy wincing, his limited knowledge of Swiss-German enough for him to know it wasn’t at all polite. “Roj, yell at me later. Andy really needs to talk to you.”
Andy snatched the phone, sitting half in Mardy’s lap and bracing himself against the wheel, apparently oblivious to the uncomfortable position. “Roger?! Are you okay? Tell me you’re okay.”
There was a knock at the window behind Mardy. Both Americans looked up to see Roger, phone to his ear, looking furious.
“I’m fine!” he said in irritation, Mardy hearing it from both the phone Andy held and from outside. “Now will you please tell me what you’re both doing sitting outside my house when you should be in Spain?”
Andy tossed the phone aside, not bothering to hang up first and crawled across Mardy to open the door, ignoring Mardy’s muffled noises of protest when he got elbowed a few times. Roger moved back a little to let Andy get out the car then was knocked backwards onto the lawn as Andy threw himself bodily at the Swiss. They landed in a tangled heap on the soft grass, Andy wrapping himself around Roger like he’d never let go.
“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Mardy heard Andy say as he got out the car, the American’s voice muffled against Roger’s neck. “I thought… I thought…”
The anger in Roger’s expression melted into puzzlement and he hugged Andy back, looking questioningly up at Mardy who shrugged. “Don’t ask. I haven’t really got much idea what upset him.”
“Andy,” Roger said softly, pushing Andy back a little so he could see his face. “Andy I’m okay. What’s wrong?”
Andy shook his head, eyes screwed tightly shut. “It doesn’t matter. You’re okay. I just… I had to know for sure.”
Roger, still looking confused, brushed a light kiss across his forehead. “Well I’m okay and so are you and Mardy. I guess that is all that matters.”
~
After they’d finally reassured themselves that they were all okay and had moved from the very public front lawn into Roger’s kitchen, the whole story of the day came out.
“So you did hear the phone go this morning?” Mardy asked, leaning back against the counter with his arms around a quietly exhausted Andy. Roger who was cooking them both some lunch nodded, glancing over.
“Ja but I was asleep and it took me a while to wake up enough to find it. It stopped ringing before I found where it was and every time I tried calling back it was busy, then you didn’t answer, though I tried again and again. I knew it was your hotel and I thought something was wrong so after a while I called Pat-“
“Oh god no,” Andy mumbled.
“- and he found your note. You didn’t say where you were going so by the time he thought to call the airport you had already flown and they wouldn’t tell him where you’d gone. I couldn’t get through on either of your phones all day. We’ve all been going crazy.” Roger left the food cooking and came over to wrap his arms around them both, resting his head on Andy’s shoulder. “I didn’t want to fly to Seville in case you came here and I didn’t know what else to do and- oh Andy, I called your mother.”
Both Andy and Mardy almost passed out simultaneously. “WHAT?!”
“I thought you might have called her if something was wrong but I think I made it worse. She said she wants to talk to you as soon as you get home.”
“Oh god. God.” Andy leaned weakly back against the countertop, pressing his face to Roger’s hair. “I made a mess of things didn’t I?”
“Hey,” Mardy said softly. “It wasn’t your fault. I’ve never seen you freak out like that before.”
“What was it?” Roger asked without looking up. “It helps to talk about it, sometimes-“
“No. No it doesn’t.” Andy spoke in a small, tight voice. “I just want to forget it. But-“ He lifted his head, waiting for Roger to look at him before he continued, deadly serious. “You know I’d never hurt you? Never ever in a million years right?”
Roger looked a little surprised but obediently nodded, his tone soothing as he answered. “Of course I know it mein liebling. I would never hurt you either.”
Reassured Andy closed his eyes, leaning tiredly against the Swiss who exchanged a worried glance with Mardy over Andy’s head. Mardy sighed with a helpless shrug that meant ‘no point pushing it’. If Andy didn’t want to talk about it then they’d probably never know details: Mardy wasn’t sure he wanted to know. If it could freak Andy out enough to bring them halfway across Europe then the tiny selfish part of him that had been against this entire crazy trip was happy he’d never have to know what had sparked it all off.
Andy was looking at him sideways through his eyelashes now, a small smile on his face for the first time all day. Mardy smirked back in relief, knowing the worst of the day was over and Andy was feeling better.
“Mein Gott, das essen!” Roger let go of them both to sprint across the kitchen to the frying pan that was starting to smoke. Andy turned sideways, looping both arms around Mardy’s waist and leaning in till their foreheads touched. Mardy waited expectantly, enjoying Andy-back-to-normal, or near enough.
“Mardy…”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve been amazing today.” Andy tilted his head a little so they could kiss, soft tongues and the taste of coffee, Mardy letting himself relax after hours of stress though he was still waiting for Andy to get to the point. Andy’s hands slid purposefully downwards and Mardy broke the kiss with a surprised gasp. “You love me right? You’d do anything for me?”
“Yeah.” Mardy caught Andy’s hands in his own before the other American could distract him into agreeing to what he wanted. “Within reason.”
“So when we get home, you’ll-“
“I said within reason,” Mardy said warningly. “That does not include me talking to your mother for you.”
Andy pouted. “Spoilsport.”
Arms slid around Andy from behind and Roger leaned across the American’s shoulder to kiss Mardy, using the opportunity to make Andy gasp with a well-placed hand. The Swiss smiled into the kiss, breaking it long enough to speak with his lips brushing Mardy’s.
“There’s a flight straight to Seville tonight, I checked in case I had to fly to you. That gives us plenty of time to… enjoy each other’s company.”
“Mmm. Good plan.” Mardy rocked his hips against Andy’s with a smile, just to see the American’s expression dissolve into blissful pleasure, head tilted back against Roger’s shoulder. “Roger I hate to interrupt your vacation but would you-“
“Yes, I will fly back to Seville with you.” The Swiss reached up to Mardy’s hair but Andy got there first, pulling the band free so silky blond hair fell loose. Mardy closed his eyes as two eager hands ran through it, enjoying the ticklish feeling. “I can’t enjoy my holiday anyway if you keep going missing all the time you know.”
“We didn’t go missing,” Andy muttered. “We came to check up on you.”
Roger’s voice was amused as he replied. “Then I’ll come and do the same to you. I don’t know what you are getting up to down there. I hear the Bryan twins are very cute-“
“Okay that’s it.” Andy turned too suddenly for either of the others to stop him and crouched a little, lifting Roger clear off the floor and over his shoulder. The Swiss yelped something in German and beat his fists gently against Andy’s back, laughing, but Andy stalked resolutely towards the stairs, carrying Roger with him. “Dammit Roger you’re heavy. Mardy! Don’t just stand there, we haven’t got all night.”
Grinning Mardy started to follow but paused at the foot of the stairs to watch Andy staggering up them under Roger’s weight. Sure they’d freaked a lot of people out. Sure they were going to get the yelling of a lifetime when they got back to Seville, from Pat, from Andy’s mom (who Mardy always remembered with a vague sense of affectionate terror), from their team mates, and sure, after all of it there’d been nothing wrong. But in spite of all that, listening to Andy and Roger laugh, he was starting to think this whole insane trip had been a good idea after all.
“Mardy!!”
“Hang on, I’ll be right there!” With a laugh, Mardy ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The next few hours were going to more than compensate for a very stressful day.
~Fin~
German Index
‘Ja’ – Yes
‘mein liebling’ – my love
‘Mein Gott das essen’- My God, the food