The Pen is Mightier! (penismightier) wrote in chaotic_library, @ 2015-03-29 23:12:00 |
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Entry tags: | 1st person, bucky barnes, marvel, r-rated, short shorts, steve rogers, y-31days, yuuo, yuuo: marvel |
[Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers; R] In Session
Character/Series: Bucky Barnes, Steve Rogers; Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: R
Notes: Written using March 2015 31_Days@LJ themes numbers 13, 14, 25, 29, 28, 31, and 26.
Title: In Session
Author: yuuo
Word Count: 683
Summary: silence is my self defense
[silence is my self defense]
I don't think he realizes that. Maybe he does. But I think he's so frustrated with it that he just wants it to end. He wants me to not be defending myself from him.
He doesn't seem to understand it's not him I'm defending myself from. It's me.
[the story of how I never stopped running]
I don't want to keep running. Running's exhausting. But the day I stop running, they'll find me. I'd say I'm safe once they're gone, but they'll never be gone. They're not a hydra, even a hydra could be defeated by the right Hercules. They're a virus. A disease that never fully goes away, waiting to infect the population when it's least expected.
They'll never be gone.
So I guess I'll never stop running.
[That’s not who you are. It’s just how you feel.]
I call bullshit on that. If I'm not what I feel, then what the hell am I? Something else? I don't want to be something else. I was already something else. I feel like what they made me, what they really made me. I didn't feel that then. I do now.
Let me feel it. Maybe someday I'll stop. But I've got a lot of years to feel for first.
[No one is ever ordinary.]
I think compared to me, most people are. I used to be. I miss it. People take their normalness for granted. Everyone's such a special goddamn snowflake, desperate to not blend in with the crowd. Lucky fuckers. That's all I want to do, is to blend in and disappear. Stand out less. Not so much of a walking target for Hydra.
I want to be ordinary. I used to be. You never really know how wonderful it is to be so... normal. Not until something makes you abnormal.
It's not as fun as it sounds.
[Happiness is just a life away]
Don't tell me it's not. It was a life away in the past, and it'll probably be a life away in the future. My present has one nice, shiny thing and that's Steve. Don't get me wrong, he's a big ball of sunshine with glitter shiny, but there's a life of darkness that the sun can't drive away in less than a year. I know I'm messed up. I know it's going to take a long time before I can say I'm not as much.
So it might as well be another life away.
[it’s time for goodbye again]
Huh. Yeah, it is. I lost track of time, I guess. Same time next week? Okay. Bye, Doctor Lewis. I guess I'll be here again.