[roy/riza; pg] When the World Falls Apart (1/3) Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist Title: When the World Falls Apart (1/3) Author:emilie_burns Theme: #15. Take a hint (30_Romances) Pairing: Roy Mustang/Riza Hawkeye Rating: PG Word Count: 1428 Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist (Hagane no Renkinjutsushi) is copyrighted by Hiromu Arakawa/Square Enix. This is a work of fanfiction for personal entertainment only. Quotations are lines from Lifehouse's "The End Has Only Begun". Notes: This is the first story in a longer arc. Spoilers for the full series and the movie. Begins immediately after the movie's end on the Amestris side of things. Summary:Anything, so long as she didn't have to look up at that still-beautiful face and feel like she'd just been sucker-punched in the heart. Chanson du Jour: Lifehouse : The End Has Only Begun (6.93MB, mp3) [yousendit | megaupload] Original LJ Post Date: December 15, 2006 @ Chaotic_Library
When the World Falls Apart
"They say one might fall And the other will stand, And one might give Where the other won't bend."
It wasn't until she saw him again -- back on the ground, safe, a broad, exultant grin on his face, looking happier than she'd seen him look in she couldn't remember how long -- when the rage set in.
No, not rage. Not entirely, if she was going to be honest with herself at the very least. Most of it was hurt, an infected wound ripped open and kicked, laid bare in the dirt, swollen and throbbing with an ache that consumed every iota of attention.
"You liar!"
She watched as he shook Havoc's hand, as Havoc clapped him on the back, and she could imagine the unheard exchange, where for just a moment it might seem nothing had ever changed, that they were all back again, full circle, and picking up where they left off.
Maybe they were.
She turned away before she could be seen. There was work to do -- Central lay in partial ruins from the attack. The city was in chaos even if the reanimated armor no longer advanced. There were looters to thwart, trapped people to rescue, wounded to tend to, order to restore. Celebration would be premature. And she was Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant. A soldier's soldier, a poster child of military precision, discipline, efficiency. There was no time for a soldier to spare over pesky personal problems.
Or so she told herself.
---
"Hawkeye!"
She heard her name, heard the voice, knew that voice, and froze. No, she didn't hear a thing. Even knowing it was so unlikely it might as well be impossible, she still hoped he would give up, that he couldn't get to her, that something would distract him -- anything. Anything, so long as she didn't have to look up at that still-beautiful face and feel like she'd just been sucker-punched in the heart.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye!"
Louder now. Closer. There was no pretending ignorance now. She bit back a sigh and turned to face him, pulling up every wall at her disposal, her face a careful mask of professionalism as she arched an eyebrow in question.
He gave her a grin, lopsided and a bit breathless from jogging as he approached, every step landing on an infected wound somewhere deep in her chest. "I've been looking all over for you."
"There is work to be done. Not all of us can afford to bask in the afterglow of battle." Her words sounded harsher than she'd intended.
Mustang frowned. "What is it, Hawkeye?"
"Nothing, sir." The 'sir' was reflex. She outranked him. She could order him to go dig a latrine if she wanted to do so. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.
"Bullshit." That dark shadow was coming back, and somewhere inside, it hurt worse than the rejection did.
She closed her eyes. "I apologize, sir. I haven't eaten since breakfast, and I have a rather annoying headache on top of everything else. I didn't mean to come across as being snippy with you."
Liar.
His hand was warm even through her uniform jacket as he took her arm in a firm, guiding grip. "You need food before you do anything else, Lieutenant. That's an order."
An order, despite the fact he was just an enlisted man now. So like the old ways. The old days. But they weren't. Did it matter? Really and truly? He'd done what he needed to do to get himself back together, that was all, wasn't it?
The thought, the realization that he didn't need her, that he never really did -- that was a petty way of thinking, wasn't it? There really wasn't any justification for feeling on the very edge of crying, for the raw, brutal ache in her chest.
You can't give me orders. I outrank you. Let go of my arm. Go away. Stop it, leave me alone. The words thundered in her mind, but nothing broke the surface as she followed, letting him pull her, lead her through the crowds, around the rubble. He frowned when he glanced back at her.
"Are you sure you're all right? Did you hit your head?"
"What kind of question is that?" she asked, withdrawing her arm then, her tone bordering a snap.
Mustang stopped and stood in her path. "You're behaving oddly, are you sure it's just--"
She cut him off as she stepped around him. "It's lack of food and too much stress combined with a headache."
A moment later he caught up with her, grabbing her arm again, and she yanked it away with more force than before. "Fine, you're angry about something. Mind telling me what?"
You don't even know, do you? Of course you don't. He didn't. Whatever happened, it put his life back together, something he never once needed her for, and she got the hint loud and clear. And her feelings were no one's fault but her own. It was her own stupidity that she fell for him.
Why punish him for something that was her own fault? Her own responsibility? Riza closed her eyes. "I'm not. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I suppose I'm merely rattled, as I'm not exactly accustomed to seeing enemy troops get up again after they should be dead and I'm stressed out."
"Yeah, it's an interesting experience," he agreed, his tone dry as he studied her, his expression critical. "That's everything?"
"Of course. What else could it be?"
"Maybe a bit of irritation that I didn't want to risk condemning you to what I thought might be certain death?"
See, he was just looking out for you. It only made guilt war with the hurt; it wasn't enough to distract her from the realization that he didn't need her, that she hadn't been enough, hadn't been what he needed, who he needed, and that she was a fool. "I apologize, sir, I hadn't thought of it like that."
He gave her a small smile. "Let's get you something to eat, Hawkeye. We have a long haul of work ahead of us."
She was overtired. That was all it was. Overtired and stressed and it had simply been a very long year. Nothing more. Surely once the dust settled, once things returned to the way they used to be, the feelings would fade. She was being a silly, hormonal woman, nothing more.
Right?
Riza found a smile somewhere, and it was as real as the jewels that had been in her dress-up play box when she was a small child, but it would do in a pinch. Keep up the grand façade, same as ever, same as always. She was being melodramatic, and was simply wrung out of shape.
That was all.
He needed her now, again. He needed her to be who she'd been. A loyal lieutenant, good with paperwork and even better with a gun. She was Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant. And he was her comma-- no. No, he wasn't. Not anymore. She outranked him. He was enlisted and she was an officer.
Never mind it was liable to change, that certainly the government would be more than willing to reinstate him after he almost singlehandedly saved...
Wait.
"Where are the others I thought I saw up there?"
"Hmm?" The smile dimmed a bit as he looked up, then it returned, small and peaceful and she felt her face tighten around her eyes as she clenched her jaw. "Yeah. Al and Fullmetal. He's alive. I was right. He's still alive. They're out there. They went home. Wherever their home is now. They're together again."
Well, isn't that lovely.
She swallowed against the petty surge of anger which she knew was out of place. In all honesty, she was thrilled to hear that Alphonse was with his brother again, wherever it was they were at. We were here. We were alive. I'm still here. Did you invest so much of your own perceived redemption into them that nothing else was good enough for you?
"That's good to hear." She found another smile, as bright and artificial as a plastic diamond.
Give it a day, you'll forget this. Just get some food and some sleep and you'll realize you've been silly. He's not the only one with misplaced emotions. You only fancy yourself in love with him. And he could never love you.
Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant, was a talented soldier, skilled in the art of military discipline and control, and as she stepped inside the mess tent with her former commanding officer, the walls were firmly in place, damming back the threat of tears.
"We walk in your footsteps, Though I've had my ups and downs. And I'll stand in the silence Until I figure it out."