The Pen is Mightier! (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} penismightier) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} chaotic_library,@ 2015-11-25 17:48:00 |
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Character/Series: Bucky Barnes; Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: R
Notes: Bucky really really really wants to be wrong.
Title: Righteous Side Of Hell Chapter 11: I'm Seeking Restitution
Author:
yuuo Word Count: 6295
Summary: Bucky could've stayed up all night with Steve, going through those sketchbooks and telling stories.
getting out of purgatory
is no small accomplishment
and the price is high
and it comes with its own set of conditions
the choice is never clear
and difficult to make
but it will not change them
-Pat Benatar
Bucky could've stayed up all night with Steve, going through those sketchbooks and telling stories. Steve actually remembered quite a bit more than he realized; most of it was from before the ice, things that went much farther back than the dose he was given could hit. He had some impressions of things since 2011, but most of what he could talk about easily was before the war.
It caused unrest a bit, as Steve would look at Bucky's left arm, or stare at his face closely and make a comment about his hair, as if he'd already forgotten what he'd just been told about. Telling what might stick in Steve's head and what wouldn't was frustrating.
Bruce assured him that scans and the blood work the next morning had to tell them something, good news or bad. He then commanded the two to get some sleep, as those scans started early morning, and Bruce had no problem dealing with an overtired patient and a cranky best friend. It'd be better for everyone if they just got sleep.
Both Steve and Bucky realized how tired they were and how tired they'd be the next day if they didn't heed the doctor's words, so they put the sketchbooks away and settled into their own beds.
Bucky tried to stay up a bit longer, listening to the electronic sound of Steve's heartbeat from the ECG machine, drowning out the sounds of Steve sleeping, but assuring him that he was okay. Out in the nurse's area, Marybelle's sweet-voiced humming was soothing, and threatened to put Bucky right to sleep. He decided to give in after a few more minutes of watching Steve and listening to Marybelle and dropped off to sleep.
Morning came way too early for his tastes, and Bruce was all too happy to wake them up. If Bucky had no neurons firing instead of just a few, he would've flung his pillow at Bruce and told him to go away for another few hours.
"I told you to get to sleep," Bruce told him as Bucky sat up and gave him the grumpiest look he could manage.
"Yes, Mom," Bucky spat, rubbing his eyes. "Lemme guess, Steve gets to sleep through these tests?"
"It wouldn't be hard for him to, no," Bruce said, fiddling with a swivel screen laptop.
"If Bucky has to be awake, I'll stay awake," Steve said.
Bucky looked at him, hopeful that maybe the drug had passed out of his system and it'd be a matter of memory retrieval, but something in his tone of voice lacked the heart behind it. Steve still couldn't make sense of what he knew, like knowing everything as part of a movie he'd watched, only seen bits here and there. That was how Bucky would describe the sensation, and Steve's eyes told him that he was still in that stage of recovery.
Setting aside the worry and allowing himself a dramatic yawn to guilt Bruce, Bucky shoved aside his blankets and sat up, running his hands through his hair. "You can sleep, I don't mind. You're the one we're worried about." He looked at Bruce. "Any news on the blood work front?"
Bruce looked at his computer's touch screen, scrolling the page down. "Your numbers came back one hundred percent fine. You're discharged to go, but I know you're not going to leave, so that's a minor technicality."
"What about mine?" Steve asked. Bucky held his breath, waiting for Bruce's answer.
Bruce frowned, scrolled a bit more, then tapped the side of the monitor. "Your numbers are all good except your thyroid numbers. Your T3/T4 and your TSH are all way below normal. Your metabolism is supposed to be burning six times faster than average. That's why the sedative took so long to get out of your system." He looked up at Steve. "This other drug would also take a long time to get out of your system with these numbers."
Steve looked so discouraged that Bucky couldn't help but hop down off his bed and walk over to Steve's. He brushed his metal hand across Steve's temple and into his hair, petting it down in reassurance. "Even if Bruce can't come up with a way to fix that, you know you won't be alone for it."
Steve offered him a weak smile that didn't match his words. "I want to feel like a person again."
"And you will," Bruce said. "Neither of you gave me a chance to give a plan of treatment." He pulled a pill bottle from his lab coat pocket. "Levothyroxin. Normally prescribed in micrograms, it helps balance thyroid hormone levels, both the T3/T4 and the TSH. I'm prescribing a full milligram. I'm sorry for having to experiment with the dose, but your hormone levels are supposed to be so high that I'm not sure a microgram dose would be enough. We'll start one week on these pills, check your thyroid levels once a day, keep an eye on them. If they start burning too fast, we'll take you off the medicine and see if your body doesn't rebalance naturally."
Bucky looked at Steve. "See? Told you this stuff would get out of your system. You'll be fine soon."
Steve's demeanor brightened a bit. "So when do I take those?" he asked as Bruce set it down on the tray for Steve's bed, next to a mostly empty water mug.
"I'll have you taking one in the morning, when your stomach's sure to be empty. You'll get to eat forty to forty-five minutes after you've taken the pill."
Steve took the bottle and examined the label on it. "So I take it now?"
"Today, no, not until after the scans," Bruce said. "Just to be sure that it doesn't interfere with the contrast for the CT or the tracer for the PET, if we need to run a PET. After you're done with scans, you'll take your medicine, then we'll send for some food for you."
"Mm." Steve studied the bottle another second or two before giving it back to Bruce. "Is it weird that I don't feel hungry right now?"
"Not with your thyroid numbers, no," Bruce said, tucking the bottle back in his pocket. "Although it has been roughly two days since your last likely meal. We'll have you eat at least some broth or something, just to put something in your system."
"You're the doctor."
He still sounded like Steve. Spoke like Steve. Acted like Steve. But Bucky knew that feeling of detachment was always there, always coloring how he thought. Nothing had changed his personality. It didn't tend to. Not at that dose.
But it was like he was a ghost, something so integral missing, something to anchor him to his own skin.
Bruce gave them a chance to do morning necessities; there were toothbrushes and toothpaste in the bathroom, and a comb. Bucky didn't like the comb; it really didn't do much good on longer hair without a lot of tugging and pulling.
Steve, naturally, had no problem with it, and actually tried to fuss with his hair, trying to make it sit how he liked it without the help of that goop he used. Bucky tried to help him get as close as possible, but when it became obvious that Bucky was more of a hindrance than a help, Steve shooed him away. He gave it one more try before giving up and setting the comb back down on the counter.
Bucky yanked on his boots while Steve returned from that last failed attempt with his hair. "So what scan are we doing first?" he asked Bruce.
"A CT scan," Bruce answered, eyeing Bucky. "And I know this won't go over well, but you'll be staying here."
Bucky's head snapped up to stare at him. "The hell I am!"
Bruce was obviously ready for a fight on the matter. "Bucky, it'll take all of a half hour. If I have to do a PET scan, I'll let you know, since that one takes longer. For now, I want you here, call the girls in. You can update them."
"How about me?" Tony asked from the doorway. He knocked on the door frame belatedly.
Oh wonderful, just what Bucky wanted for breakfast. Mister Tough Conversations.
Bruce turned. "Of course. I'm keeping everyone in the loop." He glanced at Bucky. "Bucky might be a bit too sleepy to be much help to you though."
Thank you, Bruce.
"Well, this should perk him up," Tony said. "I just got back from the lab, talking with JARVIS about the DNA. Both sets of mutations are still stable. So they're safe from developing cancer or turning into werewolves or something."
"Good," Bruce said, and Bucky sighed with relief. Steve seemed to echo that sentiment, although that was another thing that Bucky wasn't sure of whether it'd be processed correctly or not.
Bucky and Tony both wished Steve well with the scans, then remained quiet as Bruce led him out of the room and back towards radiology. Bucky pulled his feet back out of his unlaced boots to hop back up on the bed. "So you're going to talk."
"I'm hoping you will, actually," Tony said, leaning against the foot of Bucky's bed. "After we get the girls here. We need updates on Cap's health."
"We'll know more after the scans, you know," Bucky said. "Bruce can do this better than me."
"On that front, sure," Tony said, nodding his head to the side in agreement. "But you're the only one that understands this memory loss he's got, and I think his girlfriend and the other member of your team that you dragged out there deserve an update on it. You were all in that lab for the same reason, you should all know what happened in there."
Then he held up a USB that Bucky recognized. "And then there's what you took out of there and dropped on my lap. But we'll discuss this later, after we can talk to Bruce and Cap."
Bucky studied the USB for a long moment before looking at Tony. "You're going to send us into hiding over that."
Tony put the USB back in his pocket. "I'm prepared for it. It depends on how we handle what's on it. Like I said in New Mexico, we might have to find a quieter place to operate from."
In other words, yes. Bucky kept his lack of joy to himself until the others could chime in. He didn't want to move again. He had just become accustomed to the Tower.
"But that's not the issue at the moment," Tony continued. "The girlfriends deserve an update where Cap's not going to be sitting there, feeling like something's wrong with him for not remembering them or whatever it is that's going on in his head right now. So. JARVIS? Tell the girls to get down here."
"Right away, sir," JARVIS replied.
While JARVIS did his job and they were left waiting for the women to wake up and get around- it was early and both had been exhausted the night before -Tony and Bucky sat mostly in silence. At least for a few minutes, before Tony broke the quiet. "How about you? How are you doing?"
"Physically? Hundred percent fine," Bucky said. "Otherwise? The Soldier's gone back to sleep in my head, that's something."
"A good something," Tony said. "I think Bucky's the only one that's needed right now."
"I am," Bucky replied. "I think the Soldier would scare Steve right now. He needs a best friend who found the way out of that place he's in now."
Tony glanced towards the door as if watching for someone. "I'd ask you where that place is, but in the name of not making you repeat yourself, I'll wait until Sharon and Maria get here."
"I don't know how I'm gonna explain to Sharon that he probably still doesn't remember who she is," Bucky said, looking down at the ground. "Last night was hard enough for her."
"She might feel better with sleep," Tony said. "Sleep is a good panacea."
"Maybe."
They fell back into a worried silence, worry for their teammates, and now worry that Bucky had been reminded of with that USB. He tried to put that worry aside and focus on Steve's well-being, and the well-being of Maria and Sharon. The people came first.
Sharon was the first to show, looking sleep deprived and red-eyed. Bucky got off the bed and motioned her over. "Feeling any better?"
She wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face against him. "I think," she said, voice muffled against Bucky's shirt. "Is he going to be okay?"
Bucky didn't even hesitate to answer that yes, Steve would be fine. "It might take awhile, though," he warned her.
"Take awhile for what?" Maria asked, walking into the room. Sharon offered to give her her boyfriend back, but Maria declined. "You need that hug more than I do right now."
Sharon didn't protest and kept a clinging grip on Bucky.
"For Steve to recover," Tony said. He waved his hand at Bucky. "He's the guy that knows what's up."
"Bruce just took him off for scans," Bucky said, adjusting his grip on Sharon to make it slightly more comfortable. "He's doing a CT, looking for physical damage. I really really doubt he'll find any. If he doesn't, he's gonna give Steve a PET, look at his brain activity, see where the drugs hit him hardest." He frowned. The PET would be a longer test, Bruce had said, and he'd left it open about whether Bucky would join him for that or not. He'd better be prepared for the overprotective big brother to be joining him.
"What about blood work? Maria asked. "And the DNA scans?"
"The DNA scans I can answer," Tony said. "They're both clear. Mutations are still stable. Weird, but stable."
Maria seemed relieved, then looked back at Bucky for an answer to the rest of her question.
"Blood work's clear, except his thyroid," Bucky said. "They hit him with something to slow down his metabolism enough for their drugs to take effect. They probably were more concerned with the sedative. They looked like they were about to try to operate on him when I got to the lab. I'd guess to remove the comm chip. I don't know why else they'd be taking a scalpel to him."
Sharon didn't say anything or even make a noise, but her arms around Bucky tightened. Bucky patted her back lightly.
"What about your blood work?" Maria asked, and Bucky had a feeling that question might've been the first one she wanted to ask, but everyone else's attention had been on Steve.
"Hundred percent clear," he said. "I think they gave me a dose of what I know they gave to Steve, but it cleared out damn quick."
"What is it?"
"A drug that affects memory," Bucky said, then went silent, trying to find a way to describe it that wouldn't scare Sharon too much. The others waited patiently, something Bucky appreciated. Learning his language had been one of the best things they could've done for him. It meant nobody got upset when it took him more time to put things into words.
After a moment, he gave up. Gentler words just weren't there. "It doesn't erase everything- that requires the chair and a much higher dose over a long period of time." he said. "But what memories it doesn't kill, it makes it so that they don't make sense. He has no concept of self. He's got memory loss, but that's spotty and a bit unstable. The main thing is that even if he remembers you, it won't make sense to him that he does."
He looked at Sharon who had sidestepped a bit to only hang onto Bucky on one side, instead of hogging the whole front side of him. "He might not remember you. Most of the memories we've found are from before the war. He's got some spotty memories since he came out from under the ice, but my arm and hair keep confusing him. I doubt he remembers any of you."
Sharon's expression crumpled and she buried her face against Bucky again. She was quiet about it, but he could feel her sobs against his shoulder. Maria looked down at the floor and grabbed Bucky's hand. Bucky was surprised to see that Tony's eyes were wet. Tony never did like losing friends, but Bucky had never seen him cry.
With a sigh, Bucky rested his head on Sharon's. "Hey, easy. We have a treatment plan for his metabolism, that'll kick the drug out faster. After detox, it's just a matter of bringing back memories." He lifted his head and Sharon glanced up at him. "Just think of it this way- he gets to fall in love with you all over again."
That got a wobbly smile from her. "This isn't a Nicholas Sparks book, Bucky."
"Okay, so I tried. But I don't think I'm wrong."
Sharon let him go and broke a moments long silence that fell over the group, asking the question that was on everyone's minds. "What do we next?"
"That's the fifty million dollar question," Tony said, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed tightly shut. He dropped his hand and blinked a few times, the wetness of the almost-tears wiped away with the action. "We need to get that drug out of his system before we can make any moves, and that's bad."
"What moves are you thinking?" Maria asked. She was still holding Bucky's hand.
Tony glanced at the door. "We can't solidify anything without at least Bruce. Cap may be okay to go with whatever because of the memory loss, but we need to know if this thyroid treatment of his is gonna work." He pushed himself away from the foot of the bed, straightening. "Come on, we'll have more room for an Avengers pow-wow in the radiology waiting room than in here."
"Shouldn't an Avengers pow-wow take place in a secured location?" Maria asked, even as she turned to follow Tony out of the room. Bucky took hold of Sharon's hand, giving her a bit of comfort. She was getting hurt just as hard by this as Bucky was, possibly more. At least Steve remembered Bucky, but if he didn't regain any other memories, he still didn't know Sharon. That was a helluva loss for her to deal with.
"It will," Tony said. "For now, our pow-wow can amount to 'does he get more scans' and 'what are the results?' We can't make any sort of play if we don't know what's going on with Cap's health."
The radiology department wasn't terribly far from the Avengers' wing, and the waiting room outside of it was spacious, and most importantly, empty. Tony took a seat where he wouldn't be seen from the hall, but neither would he see anyone coming unless he half stood and leaned backwards over a low wall that separated the waiting area from the hall. Bucky decided that he wanted to be able to see Bruce and hopefully Steve both coming down the hall and sat on the other side of a table with magazines from him. The girls joined him, Maria taking his left to hold his metal hand, and Sharon took the other side for a slightly softer shoulder to lean against.
"You have some ideas for plays, don't you?" Bucky asked Tony once they were settled.
Tony sat back, looking at the magazines. He leaned forward and grabbed one, looking at it. "So how many times has Jennifer Aniston been pregnant and dumped by now?"
"Tony."
Tony tossed the magazine back on the table. "I have a lot of worst case scenarios running in my head and most of them end with dead Avengers and I don't like it. But I told you back in New Mexico, that nest you decided to help me kick had Japanese hornets in it. We didn't just find Hydra in a country in the Middle East, they were in Israel. If you guys did any research before you left, you know that that's not good."
"We did," Bucky said. "And we know. You also know we had no choice about taking that job, and just leaving Hydra hiding in Israel's government was only going to result in more labs."
"I'm not saying you didn't," Tony said. He tilted his head back over the edge of the wall. "Did Bruce say how long these scans took?"
"About a half an hour," Bucky said. "Unless he has to do a PET scan."
"And that one will take..?"
"Up to three hours."
Tony swore. "I'd like to get to this before then." Then he sighed. "But you can't rush medicine. And in the meantime, we shouldn't try to make any plans. We need Bruce's input, and we need to know what Cap's gonna be good for, with that memory loss of his." He raised an eyebrow in Bucky's direction.
Bucky knew that look was a request for him to step in. "You could just ask instead of silently hinting at me," he said.
"This way's more fun," Tony said. "But fine. Once he regains his sense of self, how long can we expect on his memories?"
"No idea," Bucky said, and Tony snorted in annoyance. "It's taken me a couple years, but like I have to keep telling Steve, I had that and the chair used constantly on me for decades. I honestly don't know how long it'll take Steve to regain his memories."
"Think he'd still be good in a fight once that stuff wears off?" Tony asked.
Ah, there was the heart of what Tony wanted to know. "Probably," Bucky said. "The stuff never made me have to retrain. They would've put me down and declared the project a failure if it had."
The biomechtium in his left hand shifted slightly as Maria's hand tightened around it.
"As far as if that's a good idea, I couldn't say." Bucky shrugged his free shoulder, his brain starting to go down a deep slope the more he followed that thought train. "Putting me in the field wasn't too bad, it got me out of the apartment at least, but-" he paused, looking down at Sharon. Her wide brown eyes made him hesitant to continue but oh fuck it, everyone else on the team knew by then. "-but it gave the Soldier more run than he probably should've been given."
She sat up, a small frown on her face. "I thought the Soldier was just your name," she said.
Christ, here we go. "You know how Bruce is the Hulk but yet not?" At her nod, he continued. "Imagine if the Hulk wasn't an entirely separate entity and nowhere near as polar opposite. I use the Soldier's training and mindset to do my missions. He had better training than the Army gave me. It's not really the same, but I can act like a real asshole when I'm relying on what Hydra stuck in my brain."
She was quiet a moment, then shrugged. "As long as he stops freaking me out by wearing his face gear everywhere, I don't care."
Maria actually laughed. It was a tired laugh born of two much worry, not enough sleep, and perhaps still a drop of adrenaline. "Sharon, let him have his security blankets. You keep your gun with you everywhere."
Security blankets? Bucky gave his girlfriend a dirty look.
"Okay, that's fair, I guess," Sharon said. "So when was I going to get let in on this?"
Bucky heaved a sigh. "Preferably never, for any of you, but it seems everyone here knows, and it's just as well. It might accidentally play in with Steve."
That ended any sense of light in the conversation. "What do you mean?" Sharon asked, voice cautious.
Bucky slumped in his seat. "I'm not sure," he admitted, not wanting to think further on it, but they needed answers that only Bucky could possibly give. "They didn't give him any training, didn't have time to, but so far, most of his memories are old. And if they return anything like mine, they're gonna go from both sides. He's going to remember that laboratory like it's the most terrifying thing in existence. That empty feeling that drug gives is trauma by itself. He's going to be working through a lot of nightmares just from that alone, add in the last couple years, regular danger with a best friend who takes too much enjoyment from killing his enemies to come out the winner, his sleep's not gonna come easy for awhile."
"But coming the other way?" Sharon said.
"Well, there's Project Rebirth, so that's two science projects that he'll be remembering at the same time," Bucky said. "Likely, anyway. Please remember that I'm guessing at this based on what happened to me. Everything in my past had to work its way forward, but the most recent was working its way back. They met up about the time I fell from the train."
"Which he will probably remember about the same," Tony said. "So in other words, he might be okay to fight, but keeping him functioning outside of the battlefield's gonna be tough."
Bucky felt uncomfortable and had to stop himself from clenching his occupied fists. "For awhile, anyway. And can I please repeat that I am guessing based on my own experience with this?"
"Which is more than the rest of us have to base anything on," Tony said. "For now, we'll assume that's how it'll go for him. So putting a Captain America used to having to work with the Winter Soldier and keep up with his nuttery - no offense-"
"None taken."
"-who's also potentially remembering Hydra as responsible for that and whatever else might've happened in the past might not be the most stable on the battlefield. And that's going to cut him deep."
"Yeah." Bucky glanced up over the edge of the half wall, hoping the footsteps he heard were from Bruce.
A nurse passed by. No Bruce.
Once the nurse was well past them, Bucky looked back at his feet. "Steve never lost sight of his moral compass, as far as I could tell. Not back then. He probably won't go as cold as the Winter Soldier was made to be. But he'll be angry. It'll be more than just a fight against the bad guys. It hasn't entirely been that when it came to Hydra for awhile now. Not since I came home. He's gotten ruthless since then."
"Which some of us know well."
Bucky winced, but didn't comment on it, more concerned with the horrible thought tumbling out of his mouth. More things in his brain that needed to be known. "We put a traumatized Captain America out on the field against Hydra when I'm along and in potential danger, I honestly can't say how that'd affect him or what he'd do. I want to believe that Steve would stay Steve, but until we're sure his memories are stable, I would say it's a bad idea."
"You really think that Steve is even capable of going that far?" Sharon asked, her pretty brown eyes looking downright scared, and even with that fear, Bucky could see how Steve had fallen for them. That was the man she loved that Bucky was talking about, and she had less of an idea of how Steve was in the battlefield, certainly less than Bucky did on what Steve would do for Bucky. Even he wasn't sure how to answer that question.
But he owed it to her to look for one. "I don't know," Bucky admitted. "I know I easily said no earlier, but Hydra's been in his head now. Once they're in, they never get out. Maybe I'm wrong, and he'll be fine once that drug is gone and his memories are worked back into his head. I hope I am. But I know Hydra almost better than I know Steve. Just that drug might be enough to keep that fear in him. And enough fear, even Steve might lash back. It's just a question of how hard, what way, and who gets hit."
"I can't believe this is Cap we're talking about," Tony said, sitting back and rubbing his forehead. "If he hadn't done what he did when your arm got damaged, I'd say it was impossible that this is Cap you're talking about. Mister Star Spangled Banner, God Bless America, All Around Boy Scout."
"There's a lot more to Steve than what the press was allowed to know back then," Bucky said. "I can't even believe what I'm saying. I don't want to. I'm only guessing based on what I know how things went for me, and what I know of Steve when it comes to Hydra."
Tony looked up around the edge of the wall again. "Damnit, Bruce, where are you?"
"He said a half hour," Bucky said. "I haven't been talking that long."
"No," Tony admitted, settling back down. "I'm just getting impatient."
"We all are," Maria said. "But I think at this point, we're stuck."
Tony made an annoyed noise. "Yeah. I don't have anything I can do right now and I hate that." He sat back in his seat, looking like a temperamental king on a piss poor throne. "I have your dad-" he motioned to Maria "-and Peter in hiding until we're sure things are cleared. Got Sam out in New Mexico, getting fitted with new wings." He looked at Bucky. "Good suggestion with him. He'll be joining us tomorrow, I think. They had to find the old blueprints and size them to him first. But his record with them is impressive."
"Told you," Bucky said, not feeling up for being smug about it. "Steve trusted his back to him. Led a Hydra quinjet on a helluva chase around one of the Insight helicarriers, or so he said. I'd buy it. Steve only trusts the best to be out there."
"So we're rounding up the Avengers?" Maria asked, letting go of Bucky's hand to sit forward, elbows on her knees and her hands folded together.
"Getting ready to," Tony said. "I'll tell you more when Bruce gets-" He paused at the sound of footsteps and looked up over the wall again. "Speak of the devil."
Bucky frowned as Bruce stopped behind Tony. "Where's Steve?"
Bruce, who'd just leaned down on the wall to look at the group and keep Tony in sight, straightened back up. "Still in radiology. CT scan isn't showing anything, so I'm running a PET. I was coming back to get you, but it sounds like there's something I need to be in on."
"Only if you think Cap and Bucky's hospital room is too small for all of us," Tony said.
Bruce looked back towards the rooms. "Might be a tight fit, but I think we can do it. We need more privacy?"
"We didn't have privacy out here when you were pumping me for information on Steve," Bucky pointed out. "Bruce, why is Steve alone back in radiology?"
"Because he has to sit still for an hour while the tracer gets into his system. I was coming to get you. But it sounds like there's something I need to be updated on."
Ah. "So Steve's fine?"
"Bored, but fine, yes."
"Then come sit. I'm not repeating what I said, but these three have good memories."
"Things the doctor needs to know?" Bruce asked, stepping around into the room to sit next to Tony.
"Things that we all need to know as a team," Tony said. "Bucky thinks Cap's gonna have to be benched for awhile, even after that garbage gets out of him."
"Based on my own experiences, which may not be reliable," Bucky interrupted.
Tony cast him a baleful look. "You said you weren't repeating yourself, so be quiet and don't repeat yourself."
Bucky held up his hands in surrender. "You're right, I did. So I'm gonna leave this to you. Maria, please keep his special brand of smart ass out of this discussion," he said, getting up.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
He paused and looked at her. "To the bathroom. Do you want details?"
That got another of those anxiety born laughs, this time from the others. Maria took in a deep breath, starting at him like she was either going to join them in the laughing, or strangle him. "No, not really."
"Then I leave this group to you," he said, wandering off.
He wasn't really in need of the facilities, although a chance to use them wasn't a bad idea. Mostly, he just wanted privacy to absorb his own words. He had to be wrong. He had to be. There was no way Steve would turn feral on them, that wasn't like him.
But using Tony hadn't been like him, either. Eliminating everything in his life but one person wasn't like him either. He liked his friends too much, had some for the first time his life that didn't have the name Barnes attached, reducing his life to one person wasn't like him. At least, it shouldn't have been. And hating Hydra as much as Bucky had seen from him wasn't like him either. Steve didn't hate. Steve had strong opinions, but he didn't hate. Not the hatred Bucky had seen from him in other missions against Hydra.
Taking on Hydra without anything in his head but them to stabilize him might be impossible for him to do without losing a very important part of himself. And Bucky wasn't going to let that happen.
He stood at the sink, staring at his reflection, the red eyes, the tears of frustration and grief that he hadn't realized he'd been holding back reflecting off the light. He splashed water on his face to wash them away.
"Should I go get one of your Ativan?" Bruce's voice asked from behind him.
Bucky whirled, one hand gripping the sink as he spun back to the sink's side, his other hand over his heart. "Jesus, Bruce, don't do that to me." How'd he get by Bucky's normally good reflexes, anyway?
He'd been too lost in his own brain, that was how.
"Sorry," Bruce said. "But you look like you should go back to the room for your medicine. The others caught me up, I'm free to take you to radiology to wait on Steve if you want, but I want you to take an Ativan first. You didn't even hear me come in."
Bucky leaned back against the wall, his arms dropping to his side. "Yeah, I know. Where are the others?"
"Still there," Bruce said. "I told them they don't get to discuss any plans until we're done. I might tell Tony to sit on that USB and let it chafe him if I have to to see if the thyroid medicine works."
Bucky rubbed his eyes with his still wet hands, then grabbed a couple towels from the dispenser, drying his face and then his hands, taking care with his left hand. "They might try anyway."
"I know, but they can't make anything solid until we know where Steve stands with his medicine." Bruce watched as Bucky threw the towels away. "I'm not going to repeat the question about if you're sure. I'm just going to take it as a medical possibility."
"Thank you," Bucky said. "I was tired of repeating that."
Bruce gave him a half-hearted smile. "You forget, we've never known anything but Steve's good side. It's hard for us to believe that he even has a bad side to him. But you know him better, you know Hydra better. I'm going to follow your ideas until Steve proves otherwise, because you know more than me." He paused. "But I guess my next question should be, if we're worried about Captain America going out of control, what do we have to worry about from the Winter Soldier?"
Bucky didn't answer right away, even though that was an answer he knew. "If we have to bench Steve, you're going to have to bench me."
"I figured as much," Bruce said. "Which will bench me, and possibly the girls, to help keep you two under control and under medical watch. But that's for us to worry about later. Come on, let's go get you your medicine and get you over to radiology."
"Can we have a nurse get that medicine?" Bucky asked, ignoring Bruce's probably very true statement. "I don't wanna go by the others again. Not right now."
Bruce nodded. "I can have Jo bring them. You can have two. That talk you had with the others must've been draining."
"Everyone's looking at me to tell them what's going to happen and I'm not a damn fortune teller," Bucky said. "I only know Hydra and Steve and where they mix and I know it's not going to be good." He sighed. "Believe it or not, I'm not that great of a leader unless I have to be. I don't want to be the leader this time."
"I know," Bruce said. "But you might not have a choice."
Bucky didn't answer. But he knew Bruce was right. Steve would need him to be, the others would need him to be.
He wished they'd never gone to that stupid base in the first place.
"All right," he said. "Radiology."
"Radiology," Bruce agreed.
The bathroom door slammed behind them on their way out.