The loss of Natasha had been a blow in the middle of the chaos that had already severely disrupted his peaceful life at the Station. He’d gotten used to loss, of course. But now he found himself the guardian of two teenagers, then swept away to some strange alternative reality, and while he was there he discovered that one of the two pillars he had here was ripped away so suddenly.
Truth was, Bucky had never really dreamed he’d have a chance to settle down and build a life. He’d given up on that decades ago. Who would ever want to settle down with a war criminal? But Natasha had given him that hope. Not only that, she understood him. And figured she felt the same way. This had been her second shot at life… now- well, he hadn’t wanted to dwell on it.
So, when the news came that she was back, he had initially been ecstatic- until he realized the truth. This was not his Natasha. No. This was another Natasha from the same time, but without the memories. She didn’t know him from Adam save for a few encounters. To her, he was still the Winter Soldier. Steve’s friend.
So, he’d done his best to avoid her for a few days. But the building was relatively small and there would only be so much space he could occupy there without eventually running into her. Sure enough, it happened one evening as he got home late, bookbag over his shoulder and stopping as he saw her in the hall. Staring for a moment before looking down quickly to unlock the door and hoping to slip into his apartment before she would even notice him.
Natasha recognized him, even with the shorter hair. She’d never gotten to know Bucky Barnes well, not even as the Winter Soldier, but they’d had a few encounters. Crossing paths in the world of spies, when she’d still been a servant to the Red Room and later, after she’d switched sides to try and be one of the good guys. She was more acquainted with his fighting moves than with him as a person, save what was in the history books and what she knew from stories Steve sometimes told about his own past.
“Bucky?” she called out tentatively, not even sure why or what she wanted to say. There was an awkwardness hanging between them that was palpable. Natasha had looked into her past times here enough to realize there had been something between them. No one needed to share the full details for her to learn that much. It bothered her that she couldn’t remember. She’d apparently been here twice before this time, but those memories were gone. Had they been erased? Was something else at play? Whatever the cause or culprit, she hated it. Looking back through the network the residents of the Station communicated on at least served as a way to bridge the gaps somehow.
It would have been easy to turn away, continue toward her own apartment and avoid him. Maybe it would have been kinder to do just that, but curiosity got the better of her. She’d never gotten the chance to know the man Steve spoke so highly of, but the fact that Steve Rogers was willing to risk everything to save him spoke volumes. And she really wasn’t the type to go tiptoeing around when something needed confronting. She had a feeling the two of them needed to have a conversation and sooner was probably better than later. If he was willing.
Bucky. Shit. He wasn’t used to her calling him by that name, but it felt off. And also…it fit. Only because he knew this Natasha didn’t know. He had to bite his cheek, turning to nod at her and even offered a faint half-smile. “Hey.” He gave her a nod. “Glad to see you’re back.” He assumed she already knew about the other her. No doubt Yelena had filled her in somewhat.
Did that mean she knew about them? He wasn’t going to be the first one to touch on that subject. Instead, he tried to keep the conversation light and minimalist. “How are you settling in?” Shit. This sounded so awkward. He had a hundred different thoughts, but he kept them to himself, giving her a chance to ask if she wanted. Even if he wasn’t sure how to answer.
The awkwardness in the air was palpable. Natasha was sure there were other things he wanted to ask her, but it wasn’t a bandaid she was anxious to rip off, either. She’d stopped short of reading some conversations, but she’d seen enough to get a picture of what her life here had been like. It was like reading about someone else’s life. She had the facts, but no memory of actually living through any of it.
“It’s fine,” she answered, giving a little shrug. “Kind of weird, being here, but it’s better than where I should be right now.” She wouldn’t dwell on feeling sorry for herself for long and she wasn’t given to whining or complaining anyway. “How are you?” The question sounded stupid as soon as the words left her lips, but what else was she supposed to say?
“Yeah…” He couldn’t argue with her logic. As much as it pained him to think about how it was happening, maybe that’s what this was. Maybe it was the same her, just… reset? It would be a lot better than the alternative, anyway. He hesitated to answer the next part, but decided it was better to just play it cool.
It had been hard enough to settle in. Finding out you’ve been her twice before? Shit. He wasn’t sure how he’d react to it. “Been better,” he said honestly. “But I’ve been worse, too. Kinda just getting back to normal after everything.” Not that she would know about any of that. Or would she? “Did they fill you in on that?”
“Yelena did, sort of,” she admitted. They hadn’t really talked about it in detail, but she knew her sister had just come back from some kind of bullshit thing. Talking about it more than that hadn’t been high on the priority list at the time, especially after the revelation that some version of her had a son with Steve Rogers. That and the knowledge that she’d been here twice before with no memory of it had been enough to wrap her head around.
“I, uh, did some reading back, on the network.” She hadn’t been able to read any messages from those who hadn’t been left behind, of course, and she’d mainly gone looking for the evidence of her past times here, but she’d seen enough to know several of The Station residents had been transported somewhere else, into the television somehow. It was weird, even by her standards.
Bucky actually cracked a small smile and stared off down the hall for a second. “Yeah. Got stuck in some shitty black and white movie. Except then it was…darker. I dunno.” He sighed and shook it off then looked back at her.
“Anyway, it was weird.” He didn’t mention that was when she disappeared. Or when everything went upside down for him. “I mean, it was better than being stuck in a cartoon, at least.” Strange how it felt so natural to talk to her. Easy.
Natasha chuckled a little at that. “More Psycho than Casablanca?” she quipped, shaking her head. It definitely sounded a little weird, but she laughed at the idea of being stuck in a cartoon. “It’s a big multiverse, Barnes. I bet there’s a world where we really are cartoons,” she teased. It was easier to joke that to talk about the elephant in the room or dwell on more serious topics.
“More Manchurian Candidate, actually,” he shrugged. At least he understood those movie references, thanks to some time trying to catch up on the ‘classics’. He still had a long way to go. “You know, don’t say it. It’s freaky enough talking to turkeys and dealing with glitter-filled elves.” He realized after he’d said it how strange that all sounded. Shit.
“Glitter filled elves? Talking turkeys?” Natasha laughed. “I’m a little sorry I missed that. Or I guess that I don’t remember it.” She hated knowing she’d had this whole life here that she had no memory of.
“Probably better you don’t remember glitter, I was still finding it in our bed months later-” He stopped and realized what he said then quickly replaced it with. “My bed, I mean.” Shit. He was quick to add. “I know it’s gotta be weird. I’m sorry.”
Natasha shook her head. “Don’t be. You had a life with her, the other me. I’m sorry I don’t remember it.” There it was, the thing they’d both been avoiding talking about, but she thought they probably needed to. “I’d like us to be friends, though, if that’s not too painful for you.”
It was out there. Bucky sort of knew, but there was still a strange relief when she admitted it she at least had some idea. He let out a breath and looked at a part of the wall next to him, trying tot hink about what to say.
“It might be weirder for you, considering…” Considering the intimidate details he knew about another version of her. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to handle this situation. It was the weirdest one-sided break up he could imagine. “I’m not always sure how to act around you, yet. Other her and I took a long time to get where we were, and….look, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable since you’re still settling in.” Bucky paused, making sure to look at her for the next part.
“This isn’t the place to talk about it, but uh…friends would be good.” He paused. “I just don’t want you to think I expect more.” He smiled, then failed miserably at it. How did he explain that he never thought he could have something like that? And that of all the people, she was one of the few that could understand him. How did he explain that it felt like his heart had been ripped out, even now?
And then she was here. And he was going to just act like nothing happened. Because for all he knew, it wouldn’t happen again. And it wasn’t fair for him to ever expect that, right? The one good thing- shit. He had to shake out of it. It was too much to lay on her, especially now.
“I should go.” Another forced smile and a nod in her direction. Maybe we can talk-It’s okay if- Do you like Chinese?
None of it came out. Bucky was just focussed now on making his way home without giving himself away.
Natasha nodded. “I don’t want to keep you.” No matter what he had said about friends, she had a feeling this was going to be awkward for a while, for both of them.