Who: Eliot Waugh and Matt Murdock Where: Eliot's apartment When: February 27 What: A Serious Conversation, with Added Deflection Rating/Warnings: Some discussions of adult relations, but mostly tame Status: Completed via GDocs
Here Eliot was five days out from his talk with Quentin. Things were much better between them and he was grateful for that. The near constant fighting had been a lot to deal with. They’d never fought like that back home. Still, there was much that needed to be discussed not only with him, but Matt as well. The latter worried him a lot. More than he’d worried in a very long time. The thought of losing Matt wasn’t pleasant and it made his heart squeeze in his chest. He had no expectations though, he couldn’t. He knew what he wanted, but that was only one part of the whole equation.
So he’d invited Matt over for a drink. Quentin had graciously said he would make himself scarce while Matt was there. Yet Eliot still paced nervously about the apartment. Half dreading how this evening would end yet trying to remain hopeful. A knock came and startled him. He walked over to the door and opened, smiling at the sight of the other man. He cupped his face and kissed him passionately, letting it longer than most greeting kisses. If this was going to be the last time he kissed Matt he wanted to remember it and make it last.
“Hey, it’s good to see you. Come on in.” He shut the door behind him. “What can I get you to drink?” Already he felt more nervous than before, his heart and stomach fluttering.
The longer he was kissed, the more Matt's brows climbed toward his hairline. It was far more than he expected when he'd shown up, and he didn't so much follow Eliot inside his apartment as stagger and nearly trip his way in there with a dopey grin lodged on his face. Matt's giddiness faded a little as soon as a few other audible cues filtered in. No Quentin, for one. The strange thing Eliot's heart was doing, for the other. "It's good to be seen." He laughed, leaned against the edge of the couch and smiled in Eliot's direction. "Scotch, neat. Or you can attempt to surprise me. Did you see I'm officially a guardian now?"
Eliot grinned. “You.” He shook his head and headed toward the kitchen to make them both a drink. He paused and turned around. “No…can’t say that I did.” Of course he hadn’t really been on the network much the last week. “Let me make our drinks, and you can tell me all about it.” In the kitchen he set about making Matt his scotch and a cocktail for himself. He briefly thought of a Harvey Wallbanger and grinned.
“Here you go.” He handed the drink to Matt then sat on the couch and asked him to join. He wanted to hear all about the new venture.
Smiling, Matt both took the offered glass and slid down so he was seated just next to Eliot, legs pressed together from knee to hip. "Thanks." He took a sip, then leaned his shoulder into Eliot's. "His name is Luke, and we're really just getting to know each other. Seems like a good kid, though. Total fish out of water, but he seems eager to figure things out. All I can do is try to be there for him. Make this transition a little less stressful. He used to be a ghost, if you can believe that. At this point, I'm willing to go along with just about everything I hear. It's probably for the best that I've checked my cynicism at the door, seeing as how I'm dating a real life magical magician."
"No, problem." Eliot turned a little so he was facing Matt more as began to talk. "There's not much I wouldn't believe given the life I've lived and those I've met and seen here. A ghost seems a bit tame," he grinned. "Though I'm not sure how one is a ghost and then not one, but there's much I don't know." He took a sip of his drink and nodded. "He sounds like a good kid. Being pulled here is hard enough on anyone. It's good he has you here to help guide him and be a...mentor, father figure." He wasn't sure what to call those who were guardians. They were essentially like parents.
"I've no doubt you'll be great as his guardian." He took a few more sips of his cocktail. "How old is he?" Eliot had literally been on the network maybe twice the last week and they'd been quick looks before he was off again. He'd been job searching and getting some other things in order.
Whenever Eliot said things like that, it made Matt's curiosity burn. He didn't ask for details, however, not wanting to pry. Again, he got the impression that the other man had quite obviously been through a lot. He wanted to know everything about him, but in Eliot's own time. Matt's smile was somewhat self-effacing as he shrugged and took another sip. "Seventeen. He was very quick to point out that his birthday is in September. Seems kind of like the kind of person who was used to a lot of autonomy, so I'm trying not to smother him or anything. Do you ever see yourself as a parent or guardian?"
“Practically a man. Well, by legal standards.” Eliot didn’t know the kid's whole story and that was something Matt may or may not even know. Either way he’d let him share it if he chose to. He finished off his drink then sat it on the table. “Maybe someday.” It was like some picture perfect segue dropped into his lap to talk to Matt about things. Still, the thought of it brought his nerves to the surface and he fidgeted a bit. “I need to talk to you about some things. The truth is I’m not even sure where to begin.” The fear of things going very sideways and losing the older man were so high that he contemplated not telling him and making up something. He couldn’t do that though.
He took a deep breath. Okay. “You know Quentin, my friend from back home and roommate. Back home we had history. We slept together his first year at Brakebills. We didn’t date or anything after that one time.” He wasn’t going to mention it had been a threesome or the emotion potion hangover. “That didn’t stop me from falling for him.” There was lots of complicated shit as there always is. Eliot took a breath and exhaled. His heart was beating faster and he literally stood up to pace. “There was this alternate timeline that he and I lived. We were on a quest to get one of the seven keys to turn magic back on. This was in Fillory, in the past. We had to solve this mosaic puzzle to find the key. We were there for fifty years. Together. We had a family, a son, Teddy.” He hoped Matt wouldn’t ask for more details about that because he didn’t want to talk about it. “We were happy and in love.”
He paused. “I need another drink. No. No, I don’t,” He walked back over to the couch and sat down. “When we got back from that alternate timeline, life, we shouldn’t have remembered it, but we did. And Q…Quentin asked to give us a chance in the 'real world', then and there. Basically I rejected him, us…..because I was scared. Scared of a lot of things. But I still loved him. A lot of things went to shit after that. A lot happened. And when I came here I never imagined he would show up here. I wanted to give us a chance, but he seemed to be making it clear he only wanted to be friends. Last week Q and I had a conversation and worked through our shit. I still love him and I’m crazy about you. I don’t want to lose either of you.” God, Eliot was sure that was a shit explanation of everything, but it was the best he could do for now. He’d let Matt digest everything and see if he stayed or left. Fuck, he really hoped he stayed.
Matt was definitely suffering from a bout of "be careful what you wish for", and he sat for a long, long while, trying to absorb all the things he'd just been told. He was pretty sure his eyebrows were doing all kinds of complicated gymnastics. Were this a courtroom, he would have done a better job of keeping his silent reactions to himself, but he thought the time and experience he'd put in with Eliot so far was more than enough reason not to censor himself like that. Fifty years. A child. A family. A whole other life.
He took a long, long swallow of his scotch, and this time it was enough to really burn going down. There were so many things Eliot was obviously not saying. Matt didn't know if that was for his benefit or for Eliot's own, to soften the blow of what Matt was slowly starting to wonder was a verbal Dear John letter. Except if it was that, the man sitting next to him wouldn't be drowning in nerves and confusion. Every movement, every hard swallow and stuttering heartbeat told Matt more than any microexpression could have conveyed. Matt took the kind of breath a body held just to keep from spewing words everywhere. He actually managed a more curious than hurt tone when he let at least one question out: "What do you mean 'worked through our shit'?"
Eliot stared at Matt. Even with the glasses on he could see or read his expression. Add that to the only thing he spoke, well, he wasn’t confident about anything. “I mean we worked out not fighting every time we’re in the same room and hurting one another, giving and getting the silent treatment.” It had really been more than he could deal with along with thinking… “And that we still love each other as more than friends.”
He felt hot all over and his heart was thumping like an out of control drum beat. What he said next would be important, very important and he was sure he’d fuck it up and say the wrong thing. He reached for Matt’s glass and gently tugged it from his hand to sit it on the table, then reached for Matt’s hands and laced their fingers together, holding them tightly. “What we have, how I feel about you, I didn’t expect. I wasn’t expecting anything like that here for a long time to be honest. Then I met you and I’m just crazy about you. I think I’m falling for you. I believe a heart, a person can love more than one person. I want and need you both. I know that sounds crazy and unconventional, but fuck that. I know me and I don’t care what other people think.” Eliot left at that for now. He’d spoken the truth. Yes, there was more, but he didn’t want to overwhelm Matt more than he already was.
When his drink was taken away and his hands were abruptly held, Matt allowed it to happen without resistance. He was a little too stunned, but also fascinated by where all of this could be going. It wasn't that he was detached. Far from it. In point of fact, he wasn't quite sure what he should be feeling or thinking in this scenario, because he'd never been in one remotely like it. But he listened, took it in, heard the layers that went beyond the words, to the literal heart of Eliot Waugh. No lie detected. Not a single one. Not even to himself. A little self-reflection told Matt that he was still processing. He wasn't mad or upset or bemused, he was more… in this emotional null space where he was trying to figure out how he felt.
His fingers were far more gentle where they curved around Eliot's, whereas his own were practically in a vice. He tapped the back of the other's hand to indicate he wanted that one freed. The only reason he did, however, was so he could lift it and put it to the side of Eliot's face, thumb following the high apple of his cheek. "I didn't know I could really like a guy like this until I met you. Figured I was pretty firmly in the hetero camp. Which is all to say that I like you too, and it's wild and wonderful and kind of mind-blowing, but in a way that doesn't leave me scared. Now this? What you're suggesting? I've also never done it before. Not even with women. I'm familiar with the polyamory concept, but that's about where the end of my knowledge goes."
Matt leaned in and kissed him once, sweetly, and then stayed close. "I'm not saying no, I'm saying I don't know. I'm saying I don't really understand. I'm saying… I'm asking how would this work?"
Eliot braced himself. Matt getting up and leaving was a very real option. He couldn't blame him if he did. "Sorry," he murmured when his hand was tapped. He released that hand and loosened his grip on the other. He was leaving. He was going to stand and walk out the door. So the gentle touch to his cheek was a complete surprise. He leaned into it, shutting his eyes against the tears that threatened to spill over. A small grin tugged at his lips despite the serious conversation. "I thought you were straight as an arrow. No chance. That didn't stop me from feeling what I was feeling, though." It's often difficult to stop the heart from feeling what it wants. Even when it came to him.
The kiss helped calm Eliot a little more. "I think it's whatever we want it to be, what we make it. It doesn't have to have a label. I don't expect you to sleep with or...love Quentin or him you. If that does happen, great. If not that's okay, too. I'm no expert on polyamory. I only know what I feel and what I'd like to have." He hoped that didn't sound selfish because that wasn't his intent. "I haven't deeply discussed this with Quentin. He knows how I feel, what I want and he's open to things. I told him I needed to talk to you first before we went any further. I want you to know I haven't slept with him or kissed him since he's been here." Eliot felt that wasn't right since he was dating Matt. Imagine that. He was definitely changing in some respects.
"I know this is a lot to take in. Thank you for listening and not freaking out." He chuckled a little then sobered up. "The fact that you're still here means a lot to me." And that was perhaps the most important thing to him. That Matt was there and open to this or at least discussing it. "I'm a fairly open minded person. I think you're learning that. And one thing I will say is that I don't think polyamory, if that's a label we use, has to include sex between all partners."
"It means a lot that I stayed," Matt confessed, voice low and a little rough around the edges. There was still a shit ton to mull over about this little development in his burgeoning relationship with Eliot, but he'd really only felt the hint of triumph at being told that nothing physical had happened. Yet. It was an ugly feeling, right along with the twist of jealousy that got wrapped up in the whole thing. He tried not to think about it, when the healthiest thing he could have done was unpack it so he could pick his feelings apart, separate them out to their logical origins.
But when had he, Matt Murdock, been the most emotionally intelligent?
Case in point, he kissed Eliot again, and as he did, he both got his drink put on the table and began to pull at Eliot until Matt was flat on his back and Eliot was a comfortable weight against him. "I should probably sit down and talk to Quentin at some point, unless you think it would go over better if we were all three there. Regardless, that's a future-Matt's issue." A grin spread slowly across his face, until it was devilish in the extreme. "Current-Matt would like to make out with the greedy guy he's dating, like he thought this evening was going to go when he first came over."
Despite what Matt said Eliot was still waiting for the other shoe to fall, for him to walk out the door and be done with him. Or at least say he needed some time to think or something, but he was still there. The emotion was evident on his face, even in the way he held himself. It was a lot to take in, to mull over and decide what to do with. He didn't want to take it as a good sign or even hope, but a small part of him did. The two men he cared most about had a lot to deal with and other than being there for them to talk to and support however they needed, there wasn't much he could do. He didn't like the feeling much.
The kiss shocked Eliot. Well, surprised the hell out of him. It wasn’t expected. At this point he wasn’t sure what to expect. Certainly not the way Matt pulled him down until they were practically laying on the couch. “Yeah, you should talk to him if you want to. At some point the three of us will need to talk.” He chuckled softly. “I hope Matt’s issue is the one with a happy ending.” The words tumbled right out of his mouth and he wasn’t going to apologize. “That grin. You look devilish. I’m not complaining.” He laughed and shook his head. “Greedy, huh? I see how you are. I’ll remember that.” He closed the gap between them, capturing Matt’s lips in a heated kiss.