Who: Bucky Barnes and Natasha Romanoff What: Sharing trauma between friends When: Christmas Eve Where: The Station’s Rooftop Status/Warnings: Complete/None
The cookie exchange had been fun. It was just the kind of thing Bucky needed to get away from his thoughts this season. Christmas hadn’t been easy for the guy, not since he ‘woke up’ from being the Soldier. His memories of Christmas before that had involved his family or the war. And the people he knew back then, other than Steve, were long gone.
He was trying to start a life here, trying to make new connections. But there were missed opportunities in the past that would always haunt him. He had never been able to say goodbye to his family or the life he had back then. He’d just woke up, decades later, here.
It wasn’t something many people understood, save for Steve, and the poor guy had enough on his plate this Christmas. So, Bucky had made a quiet exit to find the roof- a place he sometimes went to be alone with a cigarette (a habit he usually kept pretty well hidden), and his thoughts.
The clouds loomed overhead, rain threatening to come down at any minute, and a chill hung in the air. Bucky didn’t seem to notice, pulling a pack from his jacket pocket and lighting up a cigarette as he stared off into the city landscape, letting his thoughts drift.
Natasha still had a hard time wrapping her mind around the fact that she was alive, not to mention in a completely different world. Pepper had called this place a second chance for all of them and maybe it was. Did she deserve a second chance? Pepper seemed to think she did. Natasha wasn’t so sure, she had no idea what happened after she’d jumped. Other than the obvious and Yelena’s certainty that Clint had been responsible. No matter how many times she tried to assure her that wasn’t the case, she couldn’t let go. So they more or less agreed to disagree. Unless “her” Clint showed up and then god only knew what would happen.
After the cookie exchange, she was restless and decided to go up to the roof. She’d discovered it not long after she arrived, it was peaceful and usually deserted and she could look out over the city and let her mind drift. Tonight though, there was someone up there, taking a smoke break and she was stunned to realize it was Bucky.
“You know those things will kill you?” she said. “But aren’t you like 150? So I guess they won’t.”
Leave it to Natasha Romanoff to sneak up on him. Bucky prided himself on his ability to know when someone was coming, but Natasha couldn't count, could she? She was a Black Widow. She was raised and trained to catch people off guard.
Taking a drag, he actually chuckled as he blew some smoke back out, considering the joke. “Give it time. I’ll be lucky if this is what takes me out” It was a crappy joke, made with a hoarse mutter as he studied her for a second, wondering what would send his roommate up to the roof so late.
“Steve’s not looking for me, is he?”
“Not as far as I know,” she said, walking over to join him but not standing too close to the edge. Despite her choice on Vormir, Natasha doubted she’d get very close to the edge of a roof or anything else for a while. “I’m not sure if he’s even home. I just needed some fresh air so I came up here. I’ve been doing that when I can’t sleep.” Which had been more often than not since she’d arrived. She’d told no one about her nightmares, about how she dreamed that things had gone totally wrong and that their time heist had destroyed what was left of the world instead of bringing back what had gone. There were others too, not fully formed but just as frightening and she pushed those thoughts out of her mind as she looked over at Bucky.
“It’s actually kind of nice up here, being able to see the lights and all,” she went on. “Unless it’s really windy and then it’s too cold.” And too familiar.
Bucky noticed she hadn’t quite reached the edge, not that he questioned it or blamed her for it. He knew a thing or two about trauma and how some things stuck. He was more observant than Sam often gave him credit for.
Steve had been quiet lately, and Bucky was trying his best not to hover. It was hard for a guy who had grown up taking care of his best friend, and the whole Santa thing had really knocked them all for a loop. Seeing Steve almost die wasn’t something Bucky ever wanted to experience again. Then again, he could say the same for the woman standing beside him. Not that they were particularly close, but he’d befriended her (well, the other her) pretty quickly and there was a fondness. Probably because of a mutual understanding of what the other had been through.
“I’m surprised I didn’t catch you up here sooner,” he glanced at her with a tired smile. “Nightmares?” He already knew because he dealt with them too. Even now.
The last line actually drew a chuckle out of him. “I thought you were Russian. Aren’t you supposed to love the cold?” He knew what she meant, but he actually lit up a little teasing
She snorted. “Russian, yes. Fond of Siberia, no. Not exactly number one on my list of vacation spots” Turning she looked out over the bay toward Alcatraz, watching the light in the old lighthouse sweep over the city. “Nightmares? Yeah, a lot. Sometimes just really fucked up dreams that make no sense but other times, just….well you know.” Just as he had instinctively known she had tihem, she knew the same about him. While she might not know everything he’d gone through exactly, she had a pretty good idea and she’d encountered him before he was set free of the brainwashing.
“I used to love Christmas,” she said. “All the whole, big cheesy mess of it. After Thanos though, it was never the same even though we tried to have some semblance of a holiday. This year, I can’t help but wonder what it’s like. I suppose everyone that came home had a great time. I assume everyone got home anyway.”
“Yeah. That place kind of drains the joy out of everything,” Bucky agreed and followed her eyes across the cityscape, over the ocean and the island as he quietly listened. Nightmares. He gave a small nod, fully understanding what she was talking about. “I do. Can’t say I’ve had a full night’s sleep in years.” Being in cryo didn’t count.
He tried to imagine Natasha Romanoff at Christmas time. Shopping, decorating- it was easier than he might have thought, and he found himself grinning at the idea, maybe staring a little too intensely. Thinking back to his own experiences.
Then she talked about people coming back and his smile faded slightly. “We did.” What could he tell her? She came after her death, right? Nothing was really off the table, he assumed. Except maybe Stark…
“I mean we made it home, not that it was always a great time. A lot of people had trouble adjusting- five years with half the population is a long time. Can’t say there was much warning when we did come back.” He shook his head, dropping the cigarette to the ground and stepping on it before his hands found their way into his coat pockets.
“Not that we weren’t grateful,” he quietly looked at her. “People knew what you did. Just..just so you don’t think that it was in vain.” He almost cringed as he said it- he felt like it wasn’t enough. Maybe there really was no good way to say it.
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. It was good to know that it wasn’t all in vain, that she had at last done something to atone for all she’d done. “I’m sure it was strange for all of you, just coming back out of nowhere. Yelena said that it didn’t even feel like she’d been gone. It’s a big adjustment.” Just appearing here when she’d expected to end up in whatever afterlife she was destined for had been disorienting.
“How long had you been back before you ended up here?” Natasha was curious, she had never had an opportunity to really talk to Bucky and she was curious. He meant a lot to Steve and a lot of what she knew about him had come from here. Then there were other things she knew but she wouldn’t bring those up. It wasn’t anything Bucky would want to be reminded of.
“Yeah. One minute I’m standing in Wakanda, watching my hand disappear, the next Strange is in front of me telling me we gotta go back to New York,” it was a lot to take in at once. Luckily, the wizard sorcerer had been able to convince him and the others to follow along without much question. Bucky was happy to fight.
But in the aftermath, he realized what they’d lost. And how much the world had changed.
“I think the best way to describe it is how we ended up here- just kind of waking up,” he muttered. “It’s disorienting, sure, but we adapt, right?”
That next question. He paused, taking a breath before letting it back out. “Almost a year.” Not quite that. Probably closer to eight or nine months, but at this point what did time matter? “I’ve been in this world longer than I was back in the old one, I think.” He shook his head at the thought of that.
He had questions he wanted to ask, of course. Questions Steve never answered. What was it like for those five years? How did you adjust? He kind of had an idea, but Steve had been off with the stones quickly and the only person he was close to was Sam. Sarah had some answers but…well, he didn’t really know how to ask her.
He figured Natasha would be honest.
“This has to be an adjustment for you, too. I mean, not just waking up after you thought you died, but….life. All of it. Normalcy. I know it’s been a kick in the ass for me, anyway.”
“The world was crazy after the Blip, we spent months trying to find people. At first we weren’t sure if it was the entire world or not but it was. We ended up at the compound and kind of collected people to help. Carol Danvers was there when we got back, she’d been alerted by a pager that Fury had given her back in the 90s.” Natasha shook her head.” He was gone though, he and Maria Hill but Carol knew where to come find us. She’s the one who found Tony. He and Nebula were trapped in a dead spaceship and she brought them home. We’d found Pepper too and she was with us. I don’t know if you know Rocket Raccoon, I think he was in Wakanada, I can’t remember, but he helped patrol, so did Okoye.” Natasha didn’t mention Clint, she knew somehow that Bucky would understand and that he would understand why she hadn’t stopped him even though she could have. She’d taken enough about that decision from Rhodey and while no one had said anything, she had the feeling that some of the others thought she was making a bad call by not stopping him once she realized that he was Ronin. Truthfully she’d know before she’d told the others but that was another story.
‘It was hard, I tried to keep the Avengers together but we scattered except for a few of us that kept trying to find people. I looked everywhere for Yelena, but she was gone, I didn’t think I would ever see her again so it was good to find her here.” she took a deep breath. “You pretty much know the rest of it. Pepper says I’m a hero for what I did but I’m not so sure. I just felt like I’d done enough bad shit and maybe this would somehow make up for it, a soul for a soul, giving people back what they lost. I don’t know. At least landing in a bed in San Francisco was better than landing at the bottom of a cliff although if this multiverse thing is true,” I did that too.
It was the most she’d ever said about those five years to anyone other than Clint. It surprised her that she was able to talk about it so easily with Bucky but then again, they had been through many of the same experiences, so she felt safe with him.
Bucky knew Carol, though that was because he’d run into her here. The mention of Rocket caused him to smile a bit. “Oh, I know Rocket.” He didn’t mention how he was the one letting the guy ride on his shoulder through that final battle- definitely a weird experience, but he had a lot of respect for the guy.
Poor Bucky didn’t even think to ask about her Clint. He knew the one here. The idiot who ran around without a shirt and found trouble. The other guy? Well, Bucky owed him a thing or two. But he owed a lot of people when he’d come back and it all started to kind of run together.
Hearing her reasoning was almost painful. Mostly because he knew about trying to make amends for past deeds. As far as Bucky was concerned, the Natasha that fell from that cliff wasn’t the same woman who’d done those horrible things- even though he’d be a hypocrite if he tried to convince her otherwise. This was the guy who had a list back home- who needed to cross off names as he tried to make right the things the Winter Soldier had done.
Two peas in a pod. It almost made him laugh.
“You landed in a bed? Jesus…I landed in a dumpster.” There was a grin on his face when he said it and looked back at her. “But, maybe it’s karma? The universe trying to tell you that your slate is clean.”
“Either that or they were expecting me to be DOA,” she said with a little grin. “Yeah, it was weird, it was like an Emergency Room or something but the government was there and swooped me up. Which goes to show you that no matter where you are, the government’s pretty much the same.” Natasha hadn’t considered exactly what the government had to do with all this, for the first time in a long time, she didn’t really care. She was just glad to be here and to maybe have a chance to make a life for herself.
“I understand we have to have a job. There’s no point in looking for one until after the holidays though. I don’t know what I want to do. There’s always teaching. I know enough languages that I could pretty much pick one. I don’t think professional dancing would work for me any more, I’m too old.” Not to mention, she’d broken pretty much every bone she had over the years. “I’m sure there are plenty of schools or community colleges around the city that I could find something. The guys that talked to me said they could fake papers too so yeah, it is just like our government.” she laughed. “You teach, don’t you? I thought I saw you studying and I believe Yelena might have mentioned it.”
“Yeah, it’s scary how they’re always right there, isn’t it? Like they know it’s coming,” Bucky had actually laughed at the comment about the government, imagining what poor soul had to deal with the surprised Widow after she appeared so suddenly. Whoever it was, he wished he could have been there to see the look on their face.
“Don’t give me the you’re too old bullshit. You’re still a kid,” he smirked at her. Was he teasing? Kind of. He really had no idea what her age was, but he figured she was still in her prime.
“Uh…yeah. Been on break, so that’s why I’ve been lazing around the apartment,” he scratched his cheek, feeling the stubble from the beard he’d been letting grow over the holiday. Lazing wasn’t exactly the word for it, but he felt strange not having anywhere to go. Just reading. Hanging out. He wasn’t exactly a guy that picked up hobbies these days. He was still just adjusting. “I teach US History. Can’t say it’s the worst job I’ve ever had.” Bucky shrugged. “But you’d make a good teacher if you think you can stand the sarcasm. Dimitri teaches Russian, too. But I hear they’re looking for language teachers. Or dance.”
Plus, Bucky would admit, he didn’t hate the idea of seeing Natasha around his workplace. Sure, they lived together, but the roommates had a way of dancing around each other a little - always with their own objectives or schedules. It was nice having this time to talk, just the two of them.
ther
Natasha considered his words. “I’ll check that out. See what they need. Honestly, I’ve always kind of wanted to be a teacher,” she gave a little laugh. “I’ve been a fake teacher and nobody figured it out so I must have had some talent for it. And sarcasm doesn’t bother me, you know I can give as good I get.” She wasn’t worried about discipline with high school students. Being strict with them wasn’t something that bothered her and she’d make sure they knew that she wasn’t tolerating any bullshit.
“I think I’ll go in,” she said after a moment. “Need to be asleep when Santa comes. Even though I think I’m permanently on the naughty list. Maybe this year he’ll finally bring me the pony I’ve always wanted.” Her words were light but the truth was she was grateful that she was here, she had another chance to get to know her sister and also to really get to know Bucky. They’d been in and out of each other’s lives for years but she couldn’t say she really knew him. It was nice getting the chance to do so.
Bucky had questions as soon as she mentioned being a fake teacher, but held back. Instead, he just smiled at her and nodded, believing fully that Natasha could be (or pretend to be) anything she damn well put her mind to. He imagined she’d handle the students well enough. Hell, who would want to defy the likes of Natasha Romanoff? That felt like a fool’s errand.
She announced it was her time to go in, and the ex-soldier tried to hide the disappointment by just nodding a bit. “I get it. It’s late,” he smiled at her. “I’ll uh…see you in the morning.” He felt like an idiot saying it, not really sure how else to respond
Or why was he so tongue-tied around the beautiful assassin. Either way, he did his best to look ‘cool’ before she went, sighing once she was gone and reaching for another cigarette. “Smooth, Barnes. Real smooth.”