InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "CORN!"

It was awhile until they had a moment to themselves. He’d had to check on the boys and all the rest of their chosen family. Eventually though, they found themselves in the bedroom, Phil grabbing the decanter and pouring two glasses of scotch before taking a seat next to Matt on the bed and pressing a glass into his hands.

He didn’t know what to say. So he simply let his hand settle on Matt’s thigh, thumb stroking lightly, knowing Matt could sense his distress.

Matt released a breath he wasn't even aware he'd been holding. The last week and a half had sucked. He accepted the drink but immediately set it on the closest bed side table. Truth was, he'd already tried to dull his senses over the last few days; he wanted to be sharp now. Know with every part of him that this was real.

Once that was done, he turned and pulled Phil into his arms. Any other action was absolutely intolerable. He could hear the strain in his fiance's heartbeat, the tension in his jaw as the muscles worked overtime with everything Phil was holding back behind his veneer of calm. Matt couldn't help but kiss the edge of his jaw before murmuring, "Missed you. I really fucking missed you."

Phil shuddered slightly in Matt’s arms, clinging to him, his own glass hastily placed on the nightstand because he could feel he was about to break. “I can’t imagine,” he said softly, his hand trembling as he fisted Matt’s shirt. “I…”

“I’m sorry…” He knew, logically, that there was nothing to apologize for, but that didn’t change the feeling that he needed to apologize. He didn’t like living another life. He’d had too much of that when he was in SHIELD. “I love you. God, love you so much...”

As much as he wanted to gently chastise Phil, to assure him that zero apologies were necessary—and they really weren't—he stayed mum on the matter. Those words were as much for Phil as they were for him, and Matt just didn't have it in him to dismiss them outright. He smoothed a hand up and down his lover's back, the other clenched tightly around his shoulders. Much more of it and things could get physically awkward, but it was fine for now. Matt wasn't going anywhere.

"I know. I know, and I love you, too." There was a touch of fierce possession in that last bit. Jealousy wasn't a vice Matt courted often, but every once in a while it could rear its ugly head along with the rest of his sins. "I'm never going to blame you for whatever it was that happened. It's this place. It's always something. Some bullshit."

“I know. I just..” Phil took a stuttering breath, pressing his face into the crook of Matt’s neck. “I don’t like my head being fucked with.”

The words were tight and raw. He could handle a lot. But something like this - it brought everything back. He didn’t want to make this about him, it had to have been worse for Matt. “What do you need, darling?”

After an admission like that, of course it was just like Phil to try to—

Maybe deflect was the wrong word, but Matt couldn't think of anything better. His fingers loosened from their hold at Phil's shoulder and went instead to the back of his neck, where he squeezed gently. "Are you making this about me for me or for you? We don't have to talk about any of it now, but I do want to eventually. It doesn't change anything—for me, for us. But it's definitely one of those things that's going to eat away at you, and I don't want that for you."

“Really fucking hate how damned perceptive you are sometimes.” There was no venom in his words, and the kiss he pressed to Matt’s neck implied that hate probably meant love. “You’re choice. I’m worried about you - can’t imagine how it felt for you…”

Which wasn’t saying anything about how he himself was doing. “Talk about how I didn’t remember you, was engaged to one person, and fell in love with someone else?”

The chuckle that escaped Matt was dry to the extreme. It got choked off by a wobbly intake of breath. Not quite a sob, but just on the edge of it. "Sorry not sorry, to bother a tired phrase from the youth. But look, this not being able to imagine thing goes both ways. I know you all couldn't remember who you were or who any of us were, but now that you're back—"

A muscle in his jaw twitched as Matt pressed his lips together. "There's a part of me that wants the gory details, but I think that's not the fun kind of masochist in me. Or Catholic. Sometimes I think they're two sides to the same coin. Which is really not the point of any of this." He winced with almost his entire body. "At least… At least it was May. If that makes sense."

“None of this makes sense, Matt,” Phil sighed out, both frustrated by the whole situation and overwhelmed. “Would it have been worse if it was someone we didn’t know as well? Or another guy?”

Part of Phil was genuinely curious. He didn’t want to make things worse. Phil tilted his head to brush his lips against Matt’s. “Probably best to stick to the good kind of masochism,” he teased, either in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood or because it was just too much without an attempt at humor. “It wasn’t too gory, luckily. Just…“

He didn’t know how to explain the feeling, how much it felt like finding out about Tahiti, about all the times his head had been fucked with. “I’m just glad it’s over. And that I have you again.”

No, it didn't. And Matt felt terrible for what came across as an attempt to trivialize any part of this. It wasn't his intention. Honestly, he wasn't even sure why he'd said it. "I don't know," came his truthful reply. His mind skittered away from the concept of Phil being with anyone else; it didn't matter what gender or who it was. "All I've got is trust in you and trust in May that neither of you would have let it go too far. Even when you're not you, deep in my gut, I know you wouldn't hurt me. Not like that. The only thing that matters in all of this—for me, personally—is you're back and you love me, and fuck this place for trying to disrupt that."

Matt didn't even know just how impassioned he'd become until he realized how hard he was breathing. It calmed a bit more when Phil kissed him, and he even managed a small laugh as he rolled his eyes. He was utterly sober at the end, though, and pulled at his fiance until they were lying back against the pillows that still smelled like them (but also a little salty for reasons that were probably obvious). "You've got me forever, remember? Gonna put a ring on it and everything."

Phil chuckled. “You’re going to get that song stuck in my head all night,” he teased, grateful for the excuse to laugh a little. He pulled Matt into another kiss, slow and tender. “I will always love you. Now and forever, as long as I’m in my right mind.”

His breath caught at the last phase, heart pounding a bit faster as he tried to calm himself down. He intertwined their fingers, running his thumb over the ring on Matt’s finger. “I… I don’t react well to having my brain or memories fucked with. Or getting stabbed, if we’re being honest.”

And that was the crux of the situation, wasn't it? As long as I'm in my right mind. If life in this weird San Francisco had taught them anything, there were no guarantees. All they had were now, and it was what Matt was going to hold on to with both hands while he could.

Some of the tension bled out of him under Phil's tender ministrations. He could still remember his face from the day they'd gotten engaged. It was the kind of memory that he held close, even when it hurt him sometimes, too. Just as soon as he thought it, the image washed away again under a wave of concern. His jaw jumped again with a flash of anger at one of their neighbors. Matt wasn't sure he'd ever not hate Loki, even if it was just a little bit.

"Zero out of five stars on the stabbing part. Do not recommend, as the kids say." Reaching up between them, he traced the lines of the side of Phil's face. "You don't have to justify your reactions to any of this, all right? No one's asking you to. After T.A.H.I.T.I., you of all people get to feel whatever you want."

“Can’t decide if I want to drag you and our family to Vegas or a courthouse this weekend or if I don’t want to think about it for a few weeks,” Phil admitted. He didn’t want to have memories from a fake would-be wedding invading his wedding planning with Matt. He wanted the entire focus to be on his lovely fiance and their friends and family.

“Negative stars, even,” Phil amended. He’d mostly forgiven Loki; the helicarrier felt like it was several lifetimes ago. He shivered at Matt’s hand on his face, leaning into it and letting out a soft breath. “It’s not just T.A.H.I.T.I.,” he said softly.

"If this place lobs any more memory fuckery at is, I might just drive the car to either place myself." Matt's mouth twitched upward with the absurdity of the statement, even though the sentiment was well and truly meant. He kissed Phil's cheek, and then laid back again. Little did he know that they were sharing the same thoughts right then about wedding planning being the theme of Phil's weird little romcom story. The less said about any of that the better.

But it was what he said next that made Matt really pause. Alarm bells rang in his head. He hated seeing Phil like this. "You know you can tell me anything."

“I’d pay good money to see you behind the wheel of Lola,” Phil said with a grin. “As long as the road’s straight… you know, there are some places in the desert we could give it a try…”

He sighed heavily. “I know, darling. Just… sometimes, so much shit has happened…”

Phil left the sentence unfinished, trailing off. “We had this thing… the framework...at SHIELD… think of the most advanced virtual reality AI sort of thing. Useful for training agents.”

It had been a good idea. It’d been impressive as hell. Until. “It… in it, you didn’t necessarily know that things weren’t real. You could feel pain. We were trapped there. AIDA… she took away our biggest regret and let things play out… It turned into a world that HYDRA ran… where I was a history teacher.”

Phil knew he probably wasn’t making much sense. “Apparently my biggest regret was joining SHIELD. Take that away and…” He shuddered at the memory.

Matt shook his head with another little laugh. "As much as I appreciate the trust with Lola, I'm fully content to be in the passenger seat. And on the trunk. And the hood. Basically all the places we've had some fun. That's more than enough for me."

And then he lay there, trying to follow the thread of the halting story, all while touching Phil: his face, his shoulders, the back of his neck, and down to his chest, where Matt's palm rested against his heart. There were so many things he simply didn't have enough experience with to fully comprehend Phil's life, but he knew what it was like to be broken by things beyond his control. "And you're still you. What happened there? How did it end? The Framework."

Phil’s heartbeat slowed under Matt’s hand, even through the shirt, it grounded him. “Pretty sure we’ve christened every inch of her,” he said with a soft smile.

Phil covered Matt’s hand with his own. “Simmons and Daisy came into the framework. Managed to get me to realize it was fake.” He shook his head. “Apparently TAHITI helped with that. Means the Framework didn’t take as well. Had to convince May and Mack too which was harder…”

He sighed. “Short version - helped the rebellion take down HYDRA then woke up back into the real world in the midst of another fight and Aida had gotten inhuman powers so…”

Phil wasn’t sure how to say the next part. “I made a deal with the Spirit of Vengeance, letting him possess me. Used his powers to kill her and send the Darkhold to hell.”

It was a lot, but Matt focused on the only thing that really mattered. "So what I'm hearing is, despite the Framework and Aida and everything else, you still remained who you were. Color me totally shocked." His brow raised, but he wasn't trying to be facetious. The last bit was a little difficult to swallow, but with all the other things Phil had told him about his life with S.H.I.E.L.D., Matt wasn't actually all that surprised. "The 'Spirit of Vengeance', huh? No wonder you were attracted to me."

It didn’t feel that way to Phil, but he knew he was overly critical. “Buried underneath all the HYDRA crap,” he said wryly. Phil chuckled. “Mmm.. letting Ghost Rider possess me was not what attracted me to you. His spirit has been gone a long while. When he left, it’s actually tied into me dying again...”

Phil trailed off, gesturing, because that was another long story that was only tangentially related. “You were what attracted me to you. Your personality and passion. And well, the way the suit clings to you doesn’t hurt either.”

He smiled. “I will say, the whole possession bit - not something I bothered explaining at my next confession. Clearance levels and all.”

"God doesn't have the right S.H.I.E.L.D. clearance?" Matt was supremely happy with himself for being able to hold a straight face before he dissolved into helpless laughter. It went on so long that his breath hitched.

More tears rolled across his cheeks and over the bridge of his nose before he could blink them away. "I'm kidding. Sorry, sorry. It's just a lot, and you're the one who had to live it. But everything you went through made you you. Loki, the Avengers, your team, Inhumans, dying. Twice. At the end of the day, all of that went into making the man I love. That's what matters to me."

Not even Phillip J. Coulson could keep a straight face through that and he followed Matt into laughter. He reached out, wiping the tears from Matt’s cheek with his thumb.

“It’s less God’s clearance and more the priest’s that I’m concerned about,” Phil teased, still smiling. That comment was going to keep him going for awhile. “Not to be Job, but it would’ve been nice to have a few less challenges. Pretty sure I didn’t need all those things to make me me.”

Phil was still bothered by the whole experience - not remembering Matt or the boys and the twist that he’d been ready to leave his fiance for his dance instructor. But this was helping. “A few less scars wouldn’t hurt. And you know, I’d argue whether it was really necessary for me to lose my arm.”

Phil’s hand slid over Matt’s chest. “But the past is the past. All I care about is the time we have together and building a future with you and the boys.” A beat. “And our pet assassins.”

"Bible nerd," Matt teased, his nose crinkling. He didn't refute Phil's statement, however. Some people just got more than their fair share, and there was no way Matt was going to dismiss anyone's assertions outright, let alone the guy he was going to marry. He choked on another surprise laugh at the end, though. "All that armor must make you feel invincible enough to call them that. I could never."

Phil leaned in stealing a teasing kiss. “Who’s the bigger nerd? The one who made the reference or the one who got it?” He kissed Matt again before he could reply.

“Well, I’ve died twice, and our two little Russian kittens can’t do worse than that,” he teased. He respected the hell out them both and had adopted Yelena just like he’d adopted Nat and Clint all those years ago, and like he’d adopted his SHIELD team. “So, now that I’ve talked, how are you doing, love? Before I let my distraction techniques go too much farther.”

"Touché," Matt mumbled against the lips against his own. He meant it about both quips, especially since there didn't seem much point to extend his remarks beyond that. The combination of relief and exhaustion was catching up to him. A sigh passed through his barely parted lip, slow and shaky. "I'm okay. Better. Just… happy you're back. That's enough for me."

Phil had an inkling there was more to it than that but they’d have plenty of time. At least he hoped they would. He took Matt’s hand, sliding it under his own shirt and over his heart, interlocking their fingers. “I’m back. Right here and not going anywhere. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

A full body shudder went through Matt. Not the bad kind, but the one where his emotions welled up and got him in a chokehold. With a bitten off cry, he surged forward and yanked Phil into a kiss fueled by desperation and so much love he felt like he could burst from it. "Stay. Stay, stay, stay. Be with me."

Phil moaned into the kiss, pressing against him. “Not going anywhere,” he practically growled against Matt’s lips, hooking one leg over Matt’s hip and pulling him closer. “Yours. I’m here. Not leaving. Never.”

Even the most empty promises meant something when they were fueled by the raw emotions going through the two of them. Over on the network, a lot of people pointed out the kind of thing that had just happened only lasted two weeks, but there were no guarantees Matt hadn't almost lost his fiance forever. Hell, just with the way life rolled anyway, there were no iron clad certainties. It's part of why he threw himself into the things he did, the way he did. Phil was no exception. But he wasn't thinking about that. No, Matt was far too busy with skimming off his shirt and sweatpants, and then assisting Phil off with his clothes with even more ferocity. There may have been popped hems and broken buttons, but Matt didn't care. He just wanted to be as close as two people could possibly get.