Log: Alex and Stiles Who: Alex and Stiles What: Things are finally said in person When: April 20, the morning after Alex asked Stiles to the prom Where: Stiles and Kitty's apartment Warnings: Excess of adorkable behavior, a first kiss
With Friday night devoted to the emergency Luke-and-Julie prom intervention, and then his own completely unexpected turn of events in the Stiles arena, Alex slept harder and later than he'd really meant to the next day. Apparently his bandmates agreed, because they'd already left to do stuff by the time Alex finally dragged himself awake. A few more messages sat in his inbox, but one look at the time had him practically vaulting out of bed and into the shower.
He probably should have been studying some or working on some rhythms for a couple of their newest songs. Yet all he could do as he got ready was imagine the various looks on Stiles' face during their text exchange. It was all he could do just to put clothes on and scarf down some long-since cooled toast and a glass of water, and that he did while pacing the kitchen. Matt's face tipped in his direction, curious and bemused, but didn't ask.
Somehow, Luke's guardian knew. Alex wasn't sure how, but he knew Matt knew. Or guessed. At this point, he wasn't sure who in the apartment complex didn't at least have some hint about this growing thing between him and Stiles. Fortunately, Matt didn't actually say anything when Alex went and brushed his teeth (again), then left the apartment in a hurry. He knew Stiles had said he'd meet him, but Alex was entirely too full of nervous energy to wait.
So he jogged to Stiles' and Kitty's apartment and knocked.
And, because he was a drummer and these things sometimes happened on an unconscious level, of course he turned it into "We Will Rock You".
In classic Stiles fashion, he hadn’t been able to sleep much the night before, and had only really managed to get some nap time in around five that morning. He hadn’t wasted the hours, though. After talking to Kitty, he’d fallen down a serious rabbit hole of vegan restaurants in the area. And then, because she’d made a good suggestion, he’d come up with a pretty long list of things they could do at the Wharf, not to mention the cafe where local bands could play which had completely stolen his attention for a while. He’d even managed to find some time to write a pretty decent first draft of his paper on victimology.
The whole time though, he’d been replaying his entire conversation with Alex over and over, cringing at the memory of everything he’d said and coming up with better options. He really had no idea why Alex had decided he really really (really) liked him. But damn if he didn’t have to fight a stupid smile every time he thought about reading those words.
When the knock came, he was jolted from a sort of half-aware state leaning back in his desk chair, nearly dropping his laptop in the process. With a knock like that it could only be one person, and he felt his heart rate jump immediately. He took a second to run a hand through the disaster that was probably his hair and take a steadying breath once he was in the hall. Right, so. Nothing had changed between yesterday and today. It was like he’d told Alex, he hadn’t made it weird.
He opened the door, gaze moving from it to Alex. “I bet if someone offered you a thousand dollars you still couldn’t help but do that.” His smile morphed into something a little more tentative, then. “Hey.”
"Hey," Alex returned easily, but that was just about where easy stopped. It took him a second to get Stiles' first remark, during which time he reached up and tugged his hand through his hair. He chuckled as his hand caught the back of his neck and hung there. "Most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it, so you're probably right. Alas, I'm going to be a broke musician forever."
He laughed again and shifted a little on his feet. His gaze dipped to Stiles' mouth, no more than a flicker, but it was enough to bring a warm flush to his cheeks. Sure, it was kind of a thing he could do now, but it still felt like a tiny step closer to the line they'd only broached in tiny letters on a tiny screen. By now, he knew enough of Stiles' face not to have missed the fact that he'd lost sleep the night before. A drop of guilt mixed in with the simmering anxiety of his emotional soup, and he gulped. "Is it silly to ask if you're okay?"
“Please,” he scoffed. “There is no way you guys will be broke musicians for long.” And he was even factoring in his own bias when he said that. They were talented. Everyone knew that. “And hey, worst case scenario? We’ll get your videos working for the YouTube algorithm and you can live off the ad revenue.”
Which was a whole nonsense conversation Alex was not here to have, and Stiles wasn’t actively trying to make this awkward. Especially with the way Alex was looking at him. “I’m good. Just had a bit on my mind last night. Not your fault, for the record.” Because Alex did not need to be feeling guilty for something they were both equal players in.
Only hesitating for a second, he opened the door a little wider at the same time he reached for Alex’s hand to encourage him inside. “You should come in.”
Alex wasn't a pessimist, but he probably was the most pragmatic of the gang—aside from Julie. Julie was the exception to almost every group energy they generated amongst the boy contingent. It wasn't because they were guys, but just how long they'd all known each other. Dynamics and stuff. All that to say, Stiles' suggestions were ones he'd come up with too, when he was staring at his ceiling and catastrophizing about the future. Which was pretty much always, before he started falling asleep with Stiles. He only chuckled now. "Let's call that Plan Triple Z."
Arm tinglies—the kind he'd always ignored whenever Stiles took his hand or went in for a hug—drove all the other thoughts from his head, and he kind of stumbled his way past the threshold. Not quite into Stiles' arms (this wasn't a rom-com), but close enough to for sure be in his space. "I. Um. Hi. Again. Oh! I'm supposed to tell you something. To your face." He smiled shyly, head ducking a bit. "I really, really, really like you."
Stiles laughed a bit at the way Alex stumbled in, but then he was right there and saying that thing Stiles had so far only read (no need to talk about how many times), and ducking his head with that smile and -
Forget butterflies. There were entire stampedes of elephants and probably some buffalo or something kicking up a storm in his stomach. He glanced away for maybe a second, trying and already failing at keeping that predicted stupid smile off his face as warmth flooded his cheeks. Six words. That was it. “You weren’t supposed to bamboozle me in person too, you know.”
He took the slightest step forward so they were almost toe to toe, and without being totally aware he was doing it, his fingers found the sleeve of Alex’s shirt, toying with it in his inability to ever be totally still. “I uh. I really like you too. But I don’t want to steal your moves and say it three times.”
Biting his lip, Alex had to admit to himself he was not prepared for the truth of this moment. How close they were, how light his chest felt at hearing those words coming right from Stiles' mouth. They were still holding hands; Alex's other drifted between them, hovering now in the space beside his waist. He could pick out the flecks of gold in Stiles' eyes at this distance. "I'd say I'm sorry to bamboozle you, but I just don't have it in me to lie this early in our—yeah. But one 'really' is more than enough for me. It always will be."
He took another half step. Chewed his lip even as he looked at Stiles'. "Is it too much too soon if I kiss you now? I'm usually more patient than this, but… yeah. It's you."
Words. He was good with words. Too good with words really, he was mostly accused of never shutting up. So why were they completely failing him now? Probably it had to do with the way that Alex’s gaze kept dropping to his mouth, and the way he’d been so completely fixated on the way Alex was biting his own lip.
Was this all happening really fast? Yeah, maybe. But Kitty had kind of hit the mark when she’d said he’d gotten to the point of really the only thing left to worry about was his anxiety at something new. And he was good at that. He’d perfected the situational anxiety over years of practice.
“If it helps, I have zero skills at being patient. So, you know. We can blame me for that?” There was that doubting little voice wondering at that you, but he made a point of ignoring that right then. “Because. Yeah. It’s possible I’ve been thinking about you doing that since last night.” Was that too much to be saying out loud? Maybe. Oh well, too late now. Alex had to know by this point the filter between his brain and his mouth was in a constant state of malfunction.
"Mutual blame. Or nothing to blame at all. We could get caught in a loop just as bad as the apology one, and we put a pin in that one." Alex laughed quietly, then lifted that aimless hand until his fingers fit to Stiles' jaw and the side of his face. "I've been thinking about me doing that for a lot longer than last night, so. And I've been trying so hard not to fixate, not to make things weird, but I just— My heart gets there way before my head does, and then my head gets stuck scrambling to get my heart under control. So, yeah. It's been you for a while."
And with that horrific ramble of way too many words, he tipped forward and slid his lips against Stiles', softly, a little hesitantly. He only shut his eyes when he was sure he wasn't about to make an absolute mess of their first kiss. The arm tinglies flooded his entire body in an instant.
Stiles went to speak, but bit back the words. “I nearly said it,” he admitted with a wry smile. The dreaded S word that he’d been told off by countless sources for throwing around too much. He was working on that. And the guilt. And feeling like he was being haunted by the bad things that kept happening in this place (and back home).
But he didn’t want to think about any of that right now. Hell, ever again. Because Alex’s fingers were at his jaw and he honest to god felt a bit lightheaded at that admission from his friend. Friend? Was that even the right word anymore? They were still friends, he reasoned, so it wasn’t wrong. It just wasn’t enough. But maybe nothing had been enough between him and Alex, lately. At least, that’s how it had felt to him. And now he was hearing that maybe that not enough feeling had sat with Alex for a long time and holy shit, that was a whole lot to get his head around. Had he actually just said it had been him for a while?
All those thoughts were pretty effectively silenced because then he was kissing him, and his eyes widened for a split second before closing as that earlier feeling shot to defcon one levels pretty fast. He was acutely aware of his fingers tightening their grip where they rested on Alex’s arm as he sank into the feeling of soft lips against his own.
They didn't attack each other's mouths. That wasn't Alex's speed anyway. The sudden pressure on his arm was far more telling, and Alex wanted nothing more than to close the very small distance between them. Yet right as the impulse hit him, it slammed the recollection of his conversation with Phil the night before, which had fallen right on the heels with the one he'd had with Stiles. His cheeks almost exploded with warmth, but he didn't want to be the one to pull away.
Even with the aborted attempt at The Talk rattling around in his head, he still let out the softest sound as his chest both eased and expanded at the same time. His hand slipped down to Stiles' neck, fingertips running along the edge of the hair at his nape. Now that he'd had a taste, he knew he'd want another and another and another. Alex was only vaguely aware of the moment where his lips barely parted so he could take the smallest breath.
Stiles felt more than heard that sound from Alex, right down to his toes. That was the sound of someone who was liking this as much as he was. And that did wonders for the anxiety swirling around his brain.
He didn’t know how Alex had instinctively managed to find something that hit him square in the chest, but the feel of his fingers at his neck and into his hair was enough of a shock to his system that when Alex paused for breath, he pulled back, just far enough to make eye contact. He got a bit lost for a moment there in trying to find the right word for the color of them. Shaking off the thought, he realized his hand hadn’t let up its hold on his arm, and he made the conscious decision to ease up his grip.
Not for the first time, he couldn’t make his brain work to form words. He was conscious on at least one level there was a part of him marginally freaking out because oh my god he’d just kissed a guy. That had never happened before. Except that he wasn’t actually freaking out because for one, this was Alex, and he liked him in a way which had totally snuck up on him and caught him by surprise. And also because he had really, really, really (he’d steal Alex’s three when it was in his head) liked that.
In the instant after Stiles separated himself, Alex's fear and doubt went crashing through his head. Not even the frankly astonished look on Stiles' face—not a negative one, just a surprised expression—did much to cut through the rising tide in his ears. Alex swallowed around the boulder in his throat and forced himself to blink and smile faintly. It hit him, then, with absolute certainty: he was Stiles' first.
If he'd known that, would he have done anything different? He couldn't conceptualize it, even now, but it made so many of their interactions so far make so much more sense. But hadn't he been trying to convince himself all along that Stiles didn't like guys?
Ugh, the inside of his brain made no sense at all. It was all inconsistent doubts, half-formed suppositions, and gnawing doubt. He gulped again and fumbled for the right words. And of course he did so out loud. "Was that—? Did I—?" Alex let out a little grunt of frustration, then steadied his gaze on Stiles' face and asked him seriously: "Are you okay?"
At those half formed questions, Stiles mentally kicked himself. His total silence was probably not the way to go about offering any sort of reassurance.
Realizing he was still holding his hand, Stiles took the opportunity to squeeze Alex’s fingers, hoping maybe that would help. “I’m fine. Promise.” Then he sort of laughed at himself. “That sounds so underwhelming, wow. I told you, man. You steal intelligent thought.”
He took a second to corral them and maybe say something that would actually be helpful. “It’s like I said. I really like you. I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t.” But he could be honest about how he was feeling. Alex deserved that. “I guess just - new, you know?”
It took Stiles' breaking into a smile and that little huff of amusement to start putting cracks in the mounting wall of Alex's anxiety. Granted, that wall was actually one of the quickest things to come up when it came to the inside of his head, but there really was something about Stiles that made Alex try harder to make it all not so insurmountable. He chuckled too. "Something, something, criminology, something, something thief. Here's where I'd say we're like peanut butter and chocolate, but I don't think I want to die. Again. The kiss was way too good to go all ghostie again. Now who's not making sense?"
He laughed harder, then took a step in and wrapped his free arm around Stiles' waist, pulling him into a loose hug and laying his head on his shoulder. "I knew new once. Well, I knew feelings new. I'm saying 'new' way too much. I just mean… It can be a lot. Figuring out you like-like someone unexpected. So if you want to tackle this at glacial speeds, we can. However you want. Whatever you want. I don't have a huge amount of"—Alex gulped—"experience, but these feelings for guys? We go way back. It's a hundred percent okay if you need a minute or three."
“Okay but that makes me sad because Reese’s are one of the best things ever.” He gave a put upon sigh which sounded as fake as it was. “I guess kissing you and no one dying is a good enough reason to give them up. I can make my peace with that.” His thoughts were still kind of a tumultuous storm of a lot and he was doing his best to work through that without prompting any more of that anxiety written all over Alex’s face. He did not enjoy being the cause of that. It was probably stupid, but his go to response was nonsensical commentary about something as inane as Reese’s.
As soon as Alex was leaning into his shoulder, Stiles’ hand came up, fingers cradling the back of his head and holding him close as his other arm curled around his back. This, he was more familiar with. This quietened things down some and let him feel like he could articulate his thoughts a little better.
“It’s…yeah. New isn’t always easy when you’re prone to assuming the worst.” He knew Alex got that without further explanation. “But some things are worth it. You’re worth it.” That was something that cut through all the rest of the noise and were words he could say with total certainty.
Honestly, if Alex hadn't been leaning against Stiles, he doubted he would have been able to stay upright. Those words coupled with the warm hand cradling his head? Yeah, his knees for sure felt like they'd turned to water. He felt himself starting to get choked up all over again. Stiles wouldn't judge him for it, but Alex still swallowed the urge down. "I'm going to introduce you to the joys of chocolate covered sunflower seeds, and you're going to be all 'Resse's who?' Okay, probably not, but it could be fun to workshop alternatives so you can still enjoy your cups and kiss me too. I… promise to make it worth your while. With, like, Mario Kart and stuff."
He picked up his head far enough to kiss Stiles' cheek. "You're worth it, too. If that was a million percent clear. And we don't have to do anymore kissing right now, if you don't want to. I really just want to hang out and watch movies like we usually do."
“You never know,” he hedged. “I’ll try anything once. Actually no, that’s a lie. I’d never try skydiving. Do you know how many people get in skydiving accidents every year? Which…has very little to do with me trying chocolate covered sunflower seeds. And considering I won’t be eating them at ten thousand feet, I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Also they didn’t carry that other risk of trying to kill Alex like the peanut butter would. So that was cool. He was now off and running with thinking about all the other things he knew he wouldn’t actually try though, which was the often frustrating and sometimes useful way his brain worked. Like, skydiving was probably a bit of a theme. He didn’t think he’d be very amenable to bungee jumping either. Or hang gliding, or abseiling…
Alex kissing his cheek was such a simple but unexpected thing that it brought an effective stop to that train of thought. He couldn’t even begin to stop the fond smile at the accompanying words, not that he really needed to. “It’s possible I’m starting to catch on. What with how subtle you are.” He actually really liked the idea of watching a few movies, and maybe getting in a nap (he was always pro nap - thanks, insomnia). “I mean, there’s always both?” He offered up a bit cheekily. Lowering his arm from around Alex, he took his hand again to lead him down the hall to his room, once he remembered to shut the door. That part hadn’t been all that important a few minutes ago.
“Uh, just. Ignore the mess,” he noted upon seeing the state he’d left his desk in when they walked in. The laptop he’d nearly dropped earlier was now balanced on a few open textbooks and papers covered in the notes he’d jotted down amidst his research binge. The bed, at least, wasn’t a total disaster, since he hadn’t done much sleeping in it the night before.
One of the things Alex had always found interesting was the glimpses and hints and outright glowing billboards of the way Stiles' mind worked. He laughed, soft, quiet, and fond, maybe a little wonderingly. "I can't say I've ever given much thought to altitude-based thrill seeking, so I think it's pretty safe to cross off both our lists. There, that's a whole subsection of events we can cross off as potential dates."
The fact that all of this had taken place while the door to the outer hallway was still open honestly didn't occur to him until Stiles finally closed it. Alex blamed the lack of shutting it behind him on the reality of his single-minded focus, which was obviously Stiles-Stiles-Stiles. Naturally, he followed Stiles, and would have done so even if they hadn't been hand in hand. Yeah, he had it bad. As if that wasn't the most obvious thing ever.
And speaking of obvious things—Alex couldn't help but notice the obviously unslept in bed. He did his best to ignore the little snap of guilt and had to bite his tongue to keep from launching into the apology chorus. Why start all that again when he could simply stride with all the confidence he could fake right up to the bed and toss himself lightly atop it. "I basically lived with Luke and Reggie for a while. This is categorically not a mess. Do better, Stiles. Gosh."
He bit his lip and grinned.
Stiles looked between the bed Alex had just flopped himself on to, and the desk, smirking at his words. Okay maybe Lydia had been a good influence on him, considering the rest of the room was mostly not a disaster, aside from a few items of clothing here and there. “One kiss and he thinks he can be all demanding. I see how it is.”
He picked up his laptop, dropping down onto the mattress beside Alex, close enough that their arms brushed. He took the time to both close the browser with way-too-many-tabs-open (because wow, that was a whole insight into his hyperfixations that didn’t need sharing) and save the draft of his paper. It was a good five pages, and he figured at least half of it should be salvageable.
He was going to ask what Alex wanted to watch, when his earlier comment about high altitude dates caught up with him. “So, speaking of dates. How do you feel about them, generally?”
Although curious, Alex looked away while Stiles did his bit of browser clean up. Some things, he'd learned pretty early on when introduced to internet etiquette, were private. And anyway, he was way too busy marveling at how such a simple touch could send goosebumps racing across his skin. With his attention momentarily on his arm, he nearly missed the thread of Stiles' question. "Oh! Um, dates. Yeah. Generally a big fan, but not like they have to be some big, crazy expensive thing. Dinner and a movie? Mini golf and cosmic bowling—those are things, right? Could be fun. And I promise not to be too demanding. It takes a lot more kisses to bring that side of me out."
“Yeah? I like the idea of something like that too. It was actually Kitty who suggested one before prom, which seemed like a good idea the more I thought about it. Did I mention she was right there on the couch when you texted me? Oh my god, dude.” That had been a whole conversation in which he’d hoped to melt into the floor several times. Still, she’d made some actually helpful suggestions.
“Full disclosure, I have not once planned an actual date in my life. But I figured I’d give it a shot. Maybe not mini golf. I’d probably manage to knock you out with the club somehow.” Which was an exaggeration maybe, but he was always prepared to lean into the stereotype of clumsy human who ran with wolves. He reached behind his head to pull the pillow closer, getting comfortable, laptop resting on his stomach. “Hey look, if you being demanding is the price to pay for a lot more kisses, I can get on board with that.”
Alex's eyes widened at the news that he'd discussed this already with Kitty. Like, it meant Stiles had been thinking and worrying about this enough to turn to his roommate, which seemed like kind of a big deal from Alex's perspective. "I think I might owe Kitty some kind of gift basket or something. Probably the band, too, even though they're ridiculous meddlers who I love with all my heart. I'm sorry you had a freak out, though. You know that was never my intention. At least it worked out for the best?"
He found Stiles' hand and tangled their fingers together, giving them a squeeze after they both got more comfortable. Leaning comfortably against his shoulder, Alex smiled over at him. "Let's make a deal: you can plan our first date, and then I'll plan the second. And then we repeat! That way no one person has to feel all the pressure, right? Or we could also plan some together. And… sometimes a date could just be this, y'know? I like being with you, Stiles. It's the you part that makes it special."
“Hey, no, what did we say about apologies?” He reminded Alex. “Me freaking out had nothing to do with you, anyway. I’d have freaked out if it was anyone. I love a good freak out.” He’d done the exact same thing with Lydia, in fact. But that was both before Alex had been here and not something he needed to be bringing up right now and the fact that he was even thinking it was annoying. “Kitty probably deserves the gift basket though, she was pretty great.” He was so glad he’d moved in here with her rather than stay in that other apartment alone. His eyebrows rose at the mention of the band. “Have they been meddling?” Julie had seemed to be angling towards meddling with him, but then that had seemed more about looking out for Alex, which he respected.
He squeezed Alex’s fingers in turn when he took his hand. “I’m good with that. The no pressure part.” Those other words though, they did that thing where he could feel warmth in his cheeks and he felt a bit ridiculous, biting his lip as he glanced away. He could not figure out how to get used to Alex saying things like that, or how it made him feel.
Ducking his head, Alex pushed the side of it into Stiles' shoulder. "You may have to keep reminding me. About the apologies. It's practically written into my DNA." He chuckled then, pulling back to shoot his more-than-friend a dry smile. "And here I was thinking I might be special. Maybe that's hard baked into your DNA. Not knowing how to handle someone like-liking you."
Alex rolled onto his side just far enough to pop a kiss on to Stiles' cheek. "Good. Now dazzle me with more of your cinemagraphic knowledge and in-depth trivia."