WHO: Eddie and Helena WHEN: April 25, 2018 WHERE: Over the phone, in places where neither of them should be on the phone tbh. SUMMARY: Helena and Eddie, murder podcast hosts, find out that the Golden State Killer has been caught. WARNINGS: Language, mention of GSK (but no graphic descriptions.)
“EDDIE. THEY GOT HIM. ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS? THEY GOT HIM.”
“Wait, WHAT? Who? What?”
“TURN ON THE RADIO. Ohmygod. CHANNEL--I don’t even know what channel, whatever, THE GOLDEN STATE KILLER. THEY GOT HIM.”
“Seriously? Just a minute [ …] I’m googling. Check the radio, she says …”
“WELL THAT’S WHERE I HEARD IT. They were like WE HAVE A SUSPECT and I just like--oh my GOD. ...oh it’s not even the radio, that’s why. DO YOU SEE? ARE YOU SEEING THE THING?”
“I know, I know, you listen to talk radio and it’s adorable and cute and very Frasier Crane of you. But some of us --- OH I do see it. Wow talk about timing huh?”
“MICHELLE FUCKING MCNAMARA, DUDE. Sorry--Sorry!--Ugh this old lady on the street outside my car just gave me the meanest look because I’m shouting. Like whatever lady, DID SHE EVEN SEE? DOES SHE EVEN KNOW?? Holy SHIT. ...fuck, can we even do an episode on him now? We HAVE to, right?”
“Wait WAIT -- go back and tell the old lady. Record it on your phone so I can see the reaction or -- no sorry, just the plain ruben I don’t want anything extra -- yeah a black coffee. Sorry -- we should absolutely do that I think it would be a natural lead in to our own true crime book, you know? ALSO, what do you want, I’m bringing home sandwiches.”
“Ooooh, also a reuben. WITH PICKLES. Not like that on-the-side bullshit, either, like I want those fuckers IN the sandwich--JESUS IT'S 40 THROUGH HERE, LADY, FIND YOUR HUSTLE. COME ON. Oh hey, I was thinking about that actually--do you think there's a market for like, a True Crime Activity Book? Like a coloring book but with more stuff in it?”
“Ruben with pickles ON THE SANDWICH it is. You got that? Great, thanks. Two turkey clubs and a -- yeah his usual. I mean I’ve been told adult coloring books are all the rage. I don’t know how trustworthy my sources were but it sound like the kind of thing we could run by my editor. Or the kids. Make a page or two, ask them to fill in the pool of blood? I’m sure one of the pools will be silver and the victim will be an alien but hey, they’re a good, free test group.”
“We feed them, so I kinda feel like they owe us? We could put like. Word searches or crosswords or like sudoku or WHATEVER, you know, all the nerdy things they cram up next to the comics for people who don't think ‘Cathy’ is funny but can't stop hoping--oh for fuck’s TURN SIGNALS??? ARE A THING??? HELLO???--oh also if there's those cookies with the M&Ms in them, I want one of those.”
“Word searches are fun, or crossword puzzles? I’ve always wanted to try making one of those. We have got to work on your road rage … BREATHE DEEP. Do the deep breathing thing. Oh RIGHT, cookies. Yeah, I’ll take four of the chocolate chip, and one with raisins, just mix it in with the others, it’ll be a fun -- and one with M&M’s if you have any of those left.”
“You're a fucking monster, and I warn you now that I am going to side with whichever of our children ends up swearing revenge on you for this atrocity.”
“I love you too, honey. Try not to maim anyone on the way home and I’ll look forward to the Battle of Raisin Cookie.”
“I love you so goddamned much. I’ll see you in like, ten. I’m hanging up now so I can hear the rest of this story. I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED. FUCK. Okay I love you. Bye.”