WHO: Elliot Haham and Xo Valdez Munroe WHEN: Evening, May 9, 2018. WHERE: The Valdez Munroe household. SUMMARY: This got away from us, but basically Xo and Elliot have some girl talk and watch SVU and lament the lack of everyone’s favorite ADA Rafael Barba. (There may have been some projection from Patty and me on that part but shhhh.) WARNINGS: Terrible jokes. Drama queens.
“Okay, so Olly’s asleep.” Xo said as she handed the glass of wine over the back of the couch to Elliot. She buzzed back to the kitchen and came back with a bowl of popcorn which was also handed over. “Wine is poured. Popcorn is made.”
She returned a final time to grab her own glass before coming back to the living room and finding her spot on the couch. She immediately leaned up against Elliot as the tv lit on. “And now it’s time for law and order.”
“Thaaaaaaank you,” Elliot took a long sip of her wine, and reached for a handful of popcorn. “I miss Barba.” She informed Xo with a pout.
Xo’s pout was an immediate mirror of Elliot's as she looked up at her best friend. “I know. It's like every time we get a new episode my heart breaks all over again.” She sighed. “And Liv didn't even make out with him. If I didn't get to she should have gotten to.”
“Like, I’m not over it? I’m not over it.” (Elliot may have helped herself to two glasses of wine already.)
“I'll never be over it.” Xo was wistful as she took another sip of wine. “He was just. He could cross examine me every night and twice on weekends.”
“Preach,” she agreed solemnly, and clinked their glasses together. “And now we get this guy.” Elliot gestured to the screen when Stone’s face came on the screen in the theme song. “It’s not his fault his white ass has to follow Barba, but also - could you maybe just go bring Barba back? And also not hit on Liv?”
“He's not bad.” Xo tried to defend him but only couldn't muster a good defense. “It's not his fault he doesn't have the effortless charisma of Rafael Barba. That he can't make your panties melt or heart break with a single look.”
“It’s not his fault. I’m just bitter,” sighed Elliot, and drank some more wine. “My man deserved so much better.”
“He did. They could have at least let him be shirtless.” Xo sulked into her wine. “Or actually confess his love to Liv.” Her voice lifted higher. “Just he was obviously going to! And then he left instead! Like no I love you, no make out. Which to be fair is actually pretty typical for a man.”
Elliot nodded. “To all of the above. Except I haven’t dated a man in a while but I assume they haven’t changed much.” But Xo still had a lot of good points.
“Okay but Barba was supposed to be better than most men. With that face. And those hips.” Xo took another sip. “but no they really haven't.”
“What happened?” Elliot side eyed Xo.
“Oh. You know. Sorry I've been an ass flowers.” Xo huffed stubbornly. “Which a) that's MY move and b) not like I care anyway cause not like I've even thought about them in years. Just like. The nerve you know?”
Elliot continued to side eye as she drank more wine. “Uh huh. Remind me what he did again?”
“Oh apparently he thought I had an issue with him. Which really makes me think he was the one with the issue.” Xo wondered where all her wine had gone already. “Why do boys always think they're like the most important thing on your mind? Like hello. I have a life. That consists mostly of wanting to get in Barbas pants right now but he doesn't know that!”
“And thus the flowers,” she nodded, still not sure what the issue was, supposedly, but that could come later. “Clearly, you’re busy doing other things.” Namely objectifying handsome sassy fictional lawyers but that definitely counted.
“Super busy!” Xo motioned towards the tv. “Busy figuring out why you're being so dumb Rollins. You've been an svu detective for years! You know this stuff!”
“Busy figuring out why Ice T barely gets a line of dialogue only every other episode!” Elliot also gestured.
“It is an outrage you know? He's been here since season two!” Xo looked over at Elliot's glass. “Do you need more wine?”
“I need more wine.” Elliot got up and grabbed the bottle to plant right in front of them for easy reach. “But seriously. It’s such an outrage. Justice for Ice T.”
“You are so smart.” Xo laughed as she leaned forward to refill her glass before settling back in her spot against Elliot. “We should write a strongly worded letter.”
Elliot leaned her head against Xo’s, even though it made her pause in her wine-drinking. “Maybe we could just go to Miami and find Raul Esparza and call it a day. I would be happy with that.”
“Hmm, you think he'd go for that?” Xo craned her head up just slightly to look up at Elliot. “I mean if he meant us he'd probably fall in love with one of us. And if I couldn't have him, I'd want you to.”
“Why wouldn’t he? We’re both hot as fuck.” She kissed the top of Xo’s head. “You’re sweet. I don’t mind sharing him with you.”
“Damn right we are.” Xo held up her glass in a mock salute. She smiled and kissed to edge of Elliot's cheek. “You’re the only person I'd share him with.”
Elliot toasted to that, and took a sip, albeit at an awkward angle. “Just me an’ you. And Olly. Obviously.”
“I could get used to daddy Barba.” Xo smirked and then immediately broke into giggles.
“Shit.” That particular wording brought a dirty picture to her mind and equally dirty grin on her face. “So could I.”
“I thought you might find that appealiiiiing.” Xo went a bit singsong through her giggles. “Daddy Barba, prosecute me some more. Show me your plea deal.”
Elliot started giggling, too. “He can cross-examine me a n y t i m e. Especially in those suspenders with the shirtsleeves rolled up.”
Xo groaned playfully before taking another sip. It was hard with the giggling. “He's even attractive in that silly track suit they put him in! Like normally I'd be all uh ok. But on him I was like daaaaamn.”
“Don’t know how, but he made it work,” Elliot almost snorted her wine, she was giggling so hard.
“I don't know of I've ever been with a man who could make a bright colored track suit look that good.” Xo grinned wickedly against her glass. “I need to up my game.”
Elliot snorted for real this time. “How’s that going, anyway? Minus Rhett being a douchecanoe.”
The sound that escaped Xo was an incredibly undignified huff mutated with a grumble. “Nothing's going.”
“Really?” Elliot raised an eyebrow, and leaned back so Xo could get the full effect of her inebriated disbelief.
“Oh come on!” The whine came out in full force as her bottom lip stuck out in a pout. “Now you're making my dry spell even worse.”
“How am I making it worse?” She held a hand over her mouth to try and smother a laugh, but wasn’t actually trying very hard.
“By being all incredrafagalisticexpealidocious.” Xo lightly smacked the back of her free hand against Elliot.
“That’s not a word,” Elliot said matter-of-factly, and jabbed a finger in Xo’s face for good measure.
Xo pretended to bite at the finger poking at her. “Is too. Cause I said it was.”
“Nope.” She shook her head, and booped Xo on the nose. “What does incredra -- I don’t even know what you said -- but what it means.”
“It means you're acting like me having a dry spell is sooooo weird.” Xo stuck her tongue out.
Elliot just decided to sip her wine and look at Xo judgily. Because it was weird. Xo went through boy toys the way Elliot went through pens (i.e., very quickly). “‘Kay,” she replied, shrugging.
“Don’t kay me!” Xo’s lips tugged down in a sulk as she nudged her with her shoulder playfully. “There’s been a lot going on! And most of the film crew are women so, you know, not a lot of new options.”
“That does put you at a disad-advantage,” she stumbled through the word, trying to sound sage. “Both of those things. Being busy. You not being into ladies.”
“Having already dated like half the town.” The sigh was on of years of weariness. “It's fine. I'll just die alone once Olly leaves the nest.”
“You’re not dying alone,” came the huff in reply. “You still have me.” She wrapped an arm around Xo’s shoulders and pulled her closer, resting her cheek on top of her head.
“You’ll have left me for some hot not Emilia lady.” Xo mused playfully but she slid an arm around Elliot’s waist to fully settle in. “But you’ll still have to come over to watch zombie Olivia Benson solve the most heinous of crimes.”
Elliot snorted, and then pressed a kiss to Xo’s temple. “Wouldn’t miss it.”