Who: Adrian Battye and Jackson London When: 29 November, morning Where: Train What: Conversation Rating/Warnings: Subtle Tension Status: Closed/Complete Adrian was oddly nervous. He'd spent the morning comforting his sister about the scribbler post before they got onto the train. And now… he had a date to meet with Jackson. No it wasn't a date, they always rode the train together. It was normal. Friends rode the train to school together. And they were trying to be friends again so it made sense that they'd ride together like they had every other time. And yet Adrian felt anxious about it.
Jackson had been anxious about being around Adrian since they broke up. Well, since Adrian had told him he wanted to have more than a break. He hadn't fully understood what was wanted and so he was taking his cues from the other boy. He headed over to his friend on the platform, adjusting his bag of things. “Hey, where do we want to sit?” They had a few places, though they should probably head to the prefect area honestly.
"Prefect car?" It made sense and was the place they usually found themselves in since they were named prefects. It tended to be a little quieter, and they would have to appear for a prefect meeting at some point on the ride too. Anything to try to be normal about it all.
Jackson nodded in response. It worked for him, and while they would have to meet with the others at least it would not be a big meeting. Not everyone went home and so they would only have to do one or two checks to be sure things were settled. “How was the holiday for you?” He questioned as he started heading toward the vacant prefect car.
"Pretty typical," Adrian shrugged. "Wallace opted to stay in Europe with her new boyfriend," Adrian explained, "so it was less dramatic than last year." Wallace always brought drama with her. Adrian settled into an empty set of facing seats.
Jackson stretched himself out in the opposite seat, making it obvious with his posture that others would not be welcome to join them. They were going to have some talking time. Part of him wanted to ask things, find out what they wanted as boundaries and what Jackson was supposed to do now, but he knew that he should be trying to act normal until Adrian suggested something else.
Jackson had sat down - lounging in the seat in a way that Adrian had never been able to manage - but he didn't talk. No comment about Wallace or… normally it would be a conversation since Adrian only discussed his birth mother with Narissa and Jackson… But this wasn't normal. He groped for another topic then. "Your audition then?" Jackson had said he'd tell him about it on the train.
Jackson smiled slightly and shook his head. “I did a bunch of songs. They actually asked me for an extra after I finished what I had to play.” A thoughtful look and he shrugged. “I'm assuming that's a good sign. You okay? The rumours and all… They seem to have a thing for messing with your family life…” And his sister this time around.
So much for Jackson telling him the story. Adrian had wanted more detail, but things were strange between them. "Maybe they were trying to test you… see what you could do that hadn't been prepared?" Adrian had never been on an audition, so he didn't know how those things worked. If Jackson thought it was a good sign though hopefully it was. "Rumors are just that, but Sissy is hurt by hers. She never has had much confidence in her intelligence." It didn't help that most of the family really excelled in one subject or another, and Adrian was just above average in most of his classes…
“I think they were. There was a lot of them talking among themselves between my pieces.” A tiny smile and he shook his head. “I mean, I know I probably won't end up there but the head of the department was really nice. Apparently his son played at one of the recitals I was in. Knew my name and everything.” Which was a positive thing in his mind. “I can't imagine it's easy for her to have that comparison in her mind. You talked to her though, I'm sure?”
"Suppose talking is better than silence," Adrian agreed. "It has to be a good sign that he knew you through his son too… that he remembered your name and your playing." It didn't completely surprise Adrian, since he knew Jackson was gifted, but Adrian wasn't a musical expert either. "Sissy wasn't listening to me… It just...reinforced what she already fears, and that was louder in her head. Apparently as her brother, there is bias in my words."
“That's what I thought too. Nice to be recognized for what I can do.” Because for a long time he had not accepted himself and even though music had always been a constant, he had his doubts sometimes. “And Narissa will listen. She just needs a bit of time I'm thinking. Are you okay?” Because he knew that Adrian’s sister was very important to him and so any upset to her affected him too.
"You are going to have to get used to that - being known - if you are going to be a concert pianist." And it seemed clear that Jackson was going to be wildly successful in his dream career. It was good that it was going to work out for one of them. Adrian wasn't okay. He shrugged though. "Hopefully she'll be okay once she gets back to her other friends… she might accept it from them more than from me." It hurt a little that she discounted what he told her, even if he understood it at the same time.
Jackson laughed softly and nodded. “I suppose so, yes. But then you're going to have to get used to it too, once you take over at the gallery.” Because that was what his friend loved, he knew that much, and since Quidditch was out there had to be something. “I think she's been discounting it from everyone…” He tapped his bag where his journal was and shrugged. “It's hard sometimes, I imagine. I mean… You excel and so it's difficult for the normal folks to compare and measure up.” For Jackson it didn't matter as much. He excelled in music and didn't really need anything else.
"Working in Mom's gallery isn't likely to bring me much for fame." It was better that way, although Adrian no longer needed to worry about the truth of his birth coming out anymore. He'd faced that - was still facing it if he was honest. If he was ever to play Quidditch again, it would rekindle the talk about him, but that was seeming unlikely at the moment. The holiday with his parents though had reassured him that he would be welcome to stay on in the gallery though, which was something. "She'll eclipse me when we finish school…" Since he now was no longer bound for glory. "She's better with people which will get her much further."
“It will make you happy though. You love that place. You always have.” Jackson knew that. It had been what Adrian had done since he was a kid, helping out there. It was a good goal. As long as Adrian was happy Jackson was too honestly. “As for your sister… She wants to be a healer. She isn't looking for fame really.” Because that was true. She would get her job and be an average healer with good bedside manner, which would help people. She wouldn't likely win any awards for it though, no matter how good she became.”
"No, but she'll do more than anyone else in the family because of it." It was something that Adrian was sure of at least, if she achieved the NEWTs she needed to get into the training program - and everyone around her would help her study hard to make sure she did. People loved her, with good reason.
“I imagine you will do well too. You have your skills. Knowing art, and your cleverness…” It was enough to get him moving forward. “You're intelligent. You'll make a change in some facet of the world just like your sister and I will.” Jackson mostly in music, but it would still be noticed.
Adrian wouldn't. If he was lucky, he'd run the gallery someday. He didn't need to change the world. "No, but it is fine. It isn't necessary in life." He wasn't arguing his intelligence… but didn't see how knowing art would actually help much.
Jackson accepted what Adrian said in this case. His friend wanted different things from life than he did. Jackson had always known that he would play music and that he would be known for that. Adrian had to find a new path now. “You'll be happy at least. You love the gallery.” His eyes moved to meet Adrian’s and he smiled slightly, a teasing note in his voice. “I just hope when you're globetrotting for new pieces you'll have time for me.”
"Right… in between your sold out concerts. You are the one who will be difficult to keep track of. Since Quidditch doesn't seem like it's going to be an option for me after all, you are the one whose career will be the high powered one. Mine is going to be relatively placid by comparison."
“Maybe you'll come see me a few times then.” Jackson shrugged faintly. “Though I'm pretty sure you can't be mediocre. It's not in you.” He might have been biased in his assessment but to him Adrian was exceptional, no matter what he did. “I mean, I don't really even remember a time when I didn't have you in the audience. You all are like my good luck charms.”
"If you'll give us tickets." It seemed forced, not the usual teasing banter… it seemed less assured. Like Adrian wouldn't watch him play - like Jackson might not want him there. "it's unlikely anyone could afford to see you every night otherwise once you're famous."
“You'll have tickets at every concert you want to come to. Or all of them so you can decide to come wherever and whenever.” Jackson shifted to meet his friend’s eyes, his lips curving faintly again. “You… If you're not there it wouldn't be the same. It'd be wrong.”
Jackson was at least smiling. That had to mean it would be okay again. Adrian nodded. "Good then." Although he suspected Jackson would get over it all soon enough if… but Adrian wouldn't, so at least having the option to see him play would be good. to be friends again.
Jackson wanted more than friends but he would not push. He would not ask for more than he had now but he loved Adrian. He always had. Always would he imagined. “I would feel like whatever I did wasn't quite as good if I didn't have my best friend with me.”
Jackson was good before Adrian and his skill was independent of Adrian, but he knew not to argue that point. At least Jackson was still calling him his best friend. It wasn't the natural sort of relationship they had but it would hopefully get back to that point given a little time.
Jackson was glad to know that Adrian wanted him around. He reached over and patted his arm lightly before continuing. “It's strange, all of the auditions set up and all the planning. WADA and the Curtis Center have me coming in over our next holiday. I…” Jackson met Adrian’s eyes again with a sigh. “I'm kind of scared, honestly.”
Adrian met Jackson's eyes in return, the need to reassure overcoming his fears. "Scared that everything might work out for you? It should work out for you. You have an incredible amount of talent, Jackson."
“That. The future. Messing up. Everything.” Jackson spoke softly, looking down at his hands now. It was a lot to admit that for him. It was almost as scary to admit the fear as it was to feel it. Adrian at least though knew him well enough to handle him when he was afraid.
"What would you mess up?" Adrian challenged him. "Playing is more a part of you than anything else. You could play beautifully even when you couldn't stand up right from the drink," Adrian reminded him. "Even if you don't go to school for it, you'll still play and making a living at it."
Jackson frowned slightly. “Music isn't the only thing in my life. There are other things I could mess up.” His voice was still soft, eyes focused on his hands now. They were his livelihood at this point. “I have goals. I have other things in my life though. I… Want to succeed in more than just music, Adrian.”
Adrian didn't follow what Jackson meant - and when he though, he worried about what it meant. It was dangerous to continue this discussion… but if they were friends then Adrian needed to be here for Jackson still. "Why do your auditions make you scared about your other goals?"
“It's making things real.” Jackson shrugged one shoulder again. “It's just… I don't know. It's stupid. But I guess it's all real now. I don't know what to do.” Because the future was coming and it was frightening to him - perhaps even more so not knowing if he would have Adrian by his side.
"Maybe just… let it happen?" Adrian offered. His own fears began to surface again, even without knowing what Jackson was referring too, they'd just broken up because things had gone wrong between them. "Trust that you good enough as you are."
“I suppose. I just…” His eyes moved to Adrian again and he bit his lower lip. “No matter what we are going to be friends, right?” Because that friendship was vital to him. He'd had Adrian in his life since he was six. It was hard to imagine life without him. “I didn't mess that up, did I?”
Adrian swallowed. This then was the fear. Could he explain it and reassure Jackson all at once, without hurting him more… without revealing too much… "It's when we were best… as friends. When there wasn't this pressure to be anything more than who we are with each other…" When Adrian wasn't the center of Jackson's world, and Jackson was trying to get them both to change to fit some imagined ideal. Adrian feared though that just being friends would hurt Jackson… and if he couldn't, Adrian would accept that as the cost of having let things go further in the first place. "We just… accepted each other for what we were... loved each other as we were." The words were out before Adrian had thought them through entirely. "Can we go back to that place?"
Jackson listened to the whole statement before nodding. “I want that back. I want…” It took a few moments for the word love to register and it caused a slight stutter in his words before he picked up again. “I understand that… I wasn't hearing you, or acting like myself, when we were together. And I don't ever want to lose you.” He looked down at his hands for a moment before looking back to Adrian’s face. “It's important to me to have you. I don't want to lose that.”
Adrian was holding his breath while Jackson found the words to reply. "I'm the same boy you knew when we were playing in mud puddles…" It was nothing special about Adrian, nothing different now than then. He was just as bad at relationships... Jackson's friendship had been a rare exception. "We've been friends for a long time." And it had worked until they tried to be more and lost what made them friends. "Our friendship has always been important."
Jackson nodded. He knew it had been his fault and he accepted that. He had been the one to not listen, to try and change to be someone he thought his friend should have. “I know you are. Our friendship is… The most important thing.” He sighed and shifted slightly in his seat. “I don't want to lose that, not ever.”
"When we were…" having sex… But Adrian couldn't say that or go there. "We lost that… it's why it wasn't working, the dating thing. We weren't… friends anymore." Adrian fidgeted slightly in his seat.
“Yeah, I know. It… I wasn't acting right.” Jackson offered a half smile and shrug. “It's always just been easy with you and… You know me. Things don't function as easy as well in my mind. I thought… I was supposed to be what everyone expected as a boyfriend. That was my fault.” He could admit that. He had messed up but he wanted things to be back to normal.
And Jackson's expectations of himself to be some kind of ideal boyfriend meant that Adrian had failed at it too. "It was easy." It had started easy too, touching and kissing Jackson. Merlin Jackson could kiss… and his body… but that was over. "Not just you, since obviously I make a lousy boyfriend…" After all, he was the one who hadn't wanted the perfect boy. "And didn't live up to the ideals any better."
“I only ever wanted you.” Jackson met Adrian’s eyes again. “I never wanted you to change. I never want you to change. I love you for who you are.” Because Adrian had used the “l” word so he could as well. He ran his hand through his hair and shook his head. “You weren't a lousy boyfriend. I'm the one that didn't listen to what you wanted, who thought I knew better. But… I'm listening now. We’re friends. I won't give that up.”
"We had a fight back in September because I wasn't living up to the ideal of a boyfriend." Adrian wasn't going to let Jackson take all of the blame. Not when he knew he was bad at relationships too. Obviously it was better they not go there. "You're just not remembering those things."
“Because I was being senseless. We've always been friends. That's what… Ties us together. What will always tie us together.” Jackson ran a hand through his hair again and sighed softly. “I think this is something we can learn from. I learned… Relearned… That I can't be without you. It's not me without you.”
It was good until the last sentences, and then Jackson lost Adrian. "You're Jackson with me or without me." Adrian murmured. "You don't need me to be who you are…"
“You're my best friend.” Jackson stated firmly. “Life would be different without you. Just like yours would be different without me.” He was secure in that fact if nothing else. He and Adrian were close enough that not being there would matter.
"That doesn't mean you couldn't be without me," Adrian argued. After all, Jackson should know - he lived without his sister, and had lived a year without his parents. This was the same intensity that had signalled things were not right between them.
“Okay. It's like Jess. I don't want to be. I could. It would hurt like hell.” The loss of his sister had nearly driven him insane and he knew it. He could live without Adrian but it seemed like it would be an unpleasant change to his life.
Adrian was at once concerned and reassured by Jackson's mention of his sister. He rarely spoke about her since her death, nevermind spoke about her as anything that might be positive. It was still a scary comparison, but positive. "That is a powerful comparison." It was too much for Adrian, but he didn't want to discount that either.
“You're my best friend.” It was simple. “You could live without me but I don't imagine you'd enjoy it either, right? It's the same. I mean… We are important to each other.” He leaned back against the seat and shrugged. “You're the one person that really knew her almost as well as I did. Losing you would be losing her again.”
"It was what I feared… when things weren't working out." Adrian could admit that. He was afraid to lose their friendship more than they already had. "Losing our friendship." He still feared it, that they couldn't go back once things changed. And Adrian had loved Jess too. "You have your parents back at least." Adrian wondered how the holiday had gone, seeing them again.
“We aren't going to be split up. We’re friends. We always will be.” Jackson nodded slightly. “And I have them. They asked about you, actually. Wanted to know if we were still talking. Friends. They teased me a little bit about it.” A smile and he shook his head a little bit. “We have each other though. I'm not giving that up.”
"What did you tell them?" Adrian had been spared that conversation with his own parents because of Narissa. "About us?" He knew Jackson's parents well - had written them while Jackson was avoiding them. He worried a little what they thought of him.
“I told them we were. They're grateful to you.” Jackson smiled and shrugged. “You kept them up on how I was and all. They care for you a lot, you know.” It was true. Jackson’s parents had always liked Adrian and been glad for the pair’s friendship.
Adrian nodded. "It seemed… like they needed to know… after losing Jess… that you were okay. Are you… okay with that?" Adrian hadn't asked permission at the time, hadn't wanted to bring it up, knowing Jackson wasn't talking about them or to them at the time.
“Yeah. I am. I'm glad you did.” Jackson shrugged and sighed. “I wasn't in any state to contact them. Or anyone. I was… A mess.” He was trying to not be a mess anymore, trying to go back to who he had been before everything happened.
Adrian didn't expect Jackson to go back to who he was before - not completely. Losing his sister had changed him, and it was not surprising it had. But it was good to see him learning to live again, without her. "It made sense that you would be, what you went through."
“I shouldn't have left home. I should have… Dealt with things there. Not left my responsibilities to other people.” Because that was in essence what he had done. “I'm glad you stepped in. You… It means a lot to me that you kept me together. Kept them going and informed and all.”
"You couldn't deal with them there, then." Adrian shrugged, trying to reassure Jackson of that. "You dealt with it how you could… and now you're getting better at it." Adrian didn't think he'd done anything beyond the norm for their friendship, really.
“You helped. It means something.” Jackson’s eyes fixed on Adrian’s again and he sighed softly. “I appreciate what you've been doing, what you did. It's something more than I thought I deserved.” Still was. It was more than he deserved honestly but he was glad to have Adrian, always.
"That's friendship." To Adrian it was simple. It wasn't about deserving anything… it was just accepting each other and doing what they could for each other. "It wasn't something anyone could force you to accept."
“And I appreciate it.” Because it mattered to Jackson. Being with Adrian, having him in his life, it was one of the more important things out there. “It means more to me than you know, seriously.”
Adrian nodded. This at least… felt okay. Yes they were talking about difficult things but they were real at least. They were actual issues. "It's what people do, when they care about each other."
“I'm glad to have you to care about me.” Jackson smiled faintly and brushed back his hair from his face. “It was something I could count on when I couldn't care about myself.” Because he had been in a bad state for a while.
Adrian nodded. He'd just accepted it at the time - still just accepted it. "It is good that you've come through it though.. that you can care about yourself again." Not that Adrian didn't still care about him now that he was better… he still did, even though he'd ended the relationship.
“It's good I didn't alienate you in the process when I was getting myself back together.” Because it was important to him to have Adrian in his life. They'd been friends far too long to give that up. “Having you… It's important to me. Our friendship is important to me.”
No, Jackson had alienated Adrian by smothering him when he was injured, and trying to change who he was, and who Adrian was. "No, you were fine." At least he'd been himself then. Broken but Jackson. "It was important you had your own space then, but you knew you could come to me when you wanted it."
“I still have you.” Which was everything in his mind. He wanted to be Adrian’s friend. He wanted to be back to how things were. He wanted to touch Adrian too, but he couldn't. He couldn't go back to that after the mistakes that had been made.
"Yes… it takes more than that." It took changing who he was to please him, rather than because life changed him. Adrian wasn't going to repeat that. Not when it felt like it might be possible their friendship had weathered the breakup.