Jackson (jax_london) wrote in carpediem_rp, @ 2015-09-12 20:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | character: adrian battye, character: jackson london, thread: complete |
Who: Adrian Battye and Jackson London
When: Friday 11 Sept after dinner
Where: Empty classroom
What: Tension and talking and smutting
Rating/Warnings: Smut
Status: Closed/Complete
Jackson was still in a state that alternated between annoyed and resigned to what was going on. His personal self-loathing told him (as always) that he didn't deserve Adrian, but his mind also told him that his friend deserved to be loved and he doubted anyone would love him more than Jackson himself could. There wasn't anyone who knew him better, after all. They'd always had each other and he just didn't know what to do without him at this point.
He paused in the hall, trying to decide what he should do with himself. He'd been on the piano almost constantly and so he needed to find something else. It wasn't working to take his mind off Adrian in the least.
Adrian felt more lost than he ever had in his life. Everything in his life was changing and he was getting left behind. Only a couple short weeks ago, he had actually begun to relax about his life and then the carpet was pulled out from underneath him in both his family life and his friendships. R's 'discussion' had just made what was already an awkward situation worse. And apparently Jackson had told Ari too. Adrian was worried about how she was feeling, and instead of taking care of herself, she was trying to 'fix' things with him and Jackson. Adrian just wanted… Merlin he wanted the impossible.
At the moment, Adrian wanted a quiet space. The classroom was out of the way enough he could hide out for a while and if he ignored the tablet-journal perhaps he could find a modicum of respite from all of the drama happening in his life.
Of course, Jackson thought to himself as Adrian himself entered the area he was standing. Of course. They had found this classroom together and spent a lot of time here, talking or just sitting quietly with each other when either needed to get away from stress that daily life brought. He sighed to himself, closing his eyes for a moment. What did he say right now?
"You know you're an idiot, right? Thought your house was supposed to be clever or something." He walked closer to his friend (lover?) and fixed his eyes on him, feeling that tiny spark of anger that had been driving him for the past few days.
It seemed Adrian was going to find no peace anywhere. Obviously there was no avoiding it. Adrian didn't avert his eyes from Jackson, and continued towards him and the classroom, knowing it would be too obvious if he literally avoided his friend. He didn't flinch at Jackson's spark of anger though - seeing it and sensing it but as powerless to do much with it as he was anything else in his life. "That seems to be the consensus," Adrian agreed. His shoulders though were slightly hunched, and his eyes were tired, the strain visible.
Jackson sighed softly and shook his head, entering the room and closing the door quietly. His eyes fixed on Adrian and he blinked for just a moment. “I love you. You’re a fucking moron if you don’t see that.” Because it was fact. It was the way he felt and he could not change that. He was angry, yes, but he knew his friend and he knew what his reactions meant. Yelling would simply shut the other boy down more. He didn't want to do that.
It wasn't that Adrian didn't know that Jackson cared. "I know..." They were friends; he expected Jackson cared about him. "We're friends." And Adrian could understand Jackson's agitation too, but he was being honest when he said he didn't know how to fix it. He just wanted things to be normal between them. And instead there was all of this pressure and everyone seemed to know about what happened and had formed opinions about it all and Adrian was the one at fault. He didn't want Jackson upset with him. He wanted things to be normal between them.
Jackson stepped forward and touched Adrian's cheek, frowning slightly. "I don't think you do. I don't think you realize what you mean to me, Adrian." His eyes fixed on the other and he pulled him forward slightly. "You're mine, you know. Don't care what other people think or say. You're the most important person in my life."
Adrian didn't move when Jackson closed the distance, his eyes fixed on his friend as he touched his cheek. Adrian leaned into the touch subtly. He licked his lip unconsciously. He didn't really know the depth of Jackson's feelings - couldn't understand it really. "So… are we okay?" He asked, the uncertainty clear. He needed them to be okay.
"Adrian?" Jackson lightly stroked his thumb over the much slighter boy's cheek, tilting his head so they met each other's eyes. "Do you understand that when I say I love you, I don't mean like I love Grace or Ariana?" He sighed softly, his free hand moving to trace along Adrian's side lightly. "I mean... I love you. And you need that to be okay if we're going to be okay..."
Of course Jackson didn't love Adrian like he did Gracie or Ariana. They were different people, it was always a different kind of love when it was different people. Adrian didn't understand what Jackson needed him to be okay with. "I want us to be okay." He needed it, but couldn't completely articulate why.
Jackson nodded slightly and lowered his lips to brush a kiss over his forehead. "I want us to be okay." He also wanted them to be more than okay. "I really want to kiss you too, though." And probably more.
Adrian couldn't ask again if they were okay. He couldn't handle it if Jackson said they weren't. Jackson said he wanted them to be okay. It would have to be enough. He licked his lip again when Jackson indicated he wanted to kiss him, and shifted subtly closer, his hand reaching for Jackson's hip. He wanted to kiss Jackson. Did Jackson's statement imply they wouldn't be okay if they kissed?
"Talk to me? What are you thinking?" Because he could never really tell with his friend. This was all new territory and he wanted to please Adrian, to give him whatever he wanted, but he didn't know how to do that. His thumb stroked Adrian's cheek again and he examined his friend. He wanted to be sure that kissing and touching was okay. He would not hurt this man, could not even stand the thought of it.
Adrian didn't want to talk… he wanted to be like they were. Jackson needed words though. "If kissing is the reason everything is wrong now… then…" Adrian swallowed, the motion obvious with their closeness. He didn't want to risk it.
"It's not." Jackson's voice was a little sad. Adrian didn't understand what he was saying and it was confusing to him. He knew somehow that it was right for him to love this man. It was the way things were meant to be. He stroked Adrian's cheek again and moved to tilt his head a tiny bit, staring into his eyes. "I love you. No matter what happens... I'm going to always love you. You just need to tell me what you want. I won't do anything you don't want."
Adrian could feel Jackson's disappointment. It was at odds with what he was saying, and confused him. "I don't want to upset you… I don't want you disappointed with me. I want us to be good. To not have this… tension. Our friendship is too important to me, and…" Adrian was afraid it was ending. That the things that were between them meant it was going to end - that it was ending. "I can't lose it."
Jackson listened to his friend. It was rare for Adrian to talk much about what he felt and wanted. Jackson knew it had to be hard for the other to put all this out there. It wasn't something he seemed comfortable with ever. "You will never lose me. You're stuck. But you... You need to understand that I can't just turn things on and off. I love you. And not like, the love for a friend or a brother. Like, when I look at you.... You make me want to be a better person, Adrian. The sort of person you deserve."
Adrian wasn't the kind of boy people loved, not like Jackson was talking about. "I never thought you needed to change. You don't need to be anything but you." Adrian loved Jackson just as he was. Although the contradiction was hard to work out - Jackson was trying to say he didn't deserve Adrian - but he was the one disappointed with him. "Even if that means you find me disappointing."
Jackson's eyes widened. "Is that what you think this is? That I'm disappointed in you?" He shook his head slightly and sighed. "You don't see what I do when I look at you, at all. You're strong, fucking insanely intelligent, resilient and talented. I couldn't deserve someone like you if I tried for the rest of my life. I... I want to be that man though that tries. If..." He frowned a bit, thoughtfully. "If you'll let me try to prove myself."
This entire conversation was becoming incomprehensible. "Everyone is upset with me for upsetting you." Adrian pointed out. "I don't know how to make it right." And Jackson was talking nonsense. "You deserve everything good in your life, Jackson." No matter what happened with his sister, he deserved to be happy.
Jackson frowned again, uncertain. "They're upset because they don't know you like I do. They don't ..." Understand why Adrian had such a strange view on love. Jackson got it. Didn't mean he liked it but he understood. "You deserve good things too. I... Fuck." Because he was repeating himself and Adrian wasn't getting it. "Okay. Trying to simplify. You know how Ari thinks about Ethan, or Nari thinks about... Well, everyone?" His eyes fixed on Adrian's. "I want you to see me that way..."
"But..." If Jackson wanted him that way why had everything gone wrong since they'd hooked up? Adrian had no issues if Jackson had enjoyed what they'd done - he wanted his friend to enjoy it. That had been the point of doing it. "then why has it felt strained since we hooked up?" Because as oblivious as everyone decided Adrian was, he could trace the tension to that day.
"Adrian..." Jackson paused for a moment, trying to think. "Okay. So. Yes. I want you physically. I can't imagine anyone wouldn't, you're fit and entirely too good looking." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "But I want more than just being with you physically. I want you to let me love you. To let me show you that when I say you are the most important person in my life.... I mean I don't ever want to be without you. I want to sleep beside you and wake up with your hair tickling my face. It's not just touching and fucking around I want with you."
"We live in different dorms." Adrian addressed the parts he could. "But I meant it when I said I would go to Europe if you did." Adrian was trying. R had said he needed to tell Jackson that again. But what Jackson was describing wasn't friendship. Adrian might be struggling to understand his friend, but that was clear. He wanted a relationship. And relationships failed. But they'd already hooked up. And Adrian wanted to hook up with Jackson again. They couldn't go back to just friends now. Adrian understood that from what Jackson was saying. But when the relationship failed… the friendship would be gone too. But this week had shown it was too late to go back. Adrian swallowed again. "So… are we dating then?"
Jackson examined Adrian carefully. "Relationships are built on trust. I know you trust me as a friend, it's why we've always been so close." He bent and brushed his lips over the other boy's, capturing them gently. "I know you. I know you won't trust that something won't happen, that you can and deserve to be happy. What I want you to trust now is that I'm going to show you as much as I possibly can how much you matter. You may not believe that I'll stay, and I accept that, but know that I will spend every breathing moment showing you that we can be good together." Because they already were, honestly.
Jackson didn't agree. The kiss was over before Adrian had time to kiss back. He wanted to kiss back. He wanted to kiss and end this conversation. But Jackson was telling Adrian he didn't believe that Adrian trusted him and that relationships had to be based on trust. "I trust you as much as anyone in my life." Although the confusion about what Jackson was saying and what was happening brought out his insecurities. If they weren't dating, if Jackson didn't think he trusted him and they needed trust for a relationship… then. "So where does that leave us?" If they weren't dating… and Jackson didn't want to just hookup physically… What was left?
"I want to be with you." Jackson brushed another kiss over Adrian's forehead and stepped a bit closer, taking the smaller boy into his arms. "I want you to know that I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I want to be yours." Another kiss, this time landing sort of close to Adrian's ear. "I want to love you and be the man you turn to when you're sad, or happy, or whatever." A small thoughtful frown. "I don't know that it really changes much. I mean, you've always been my best friend. Bringing in physical contact like this just adds another dimension to the relationship we already have. It's not like we're going to reinvent anything. I'm already yours. Always have been."
Adrian thought he was an intelligent person, but Jackson was utterly befuddling him. Not that Adrian needed labels, but he couldn't make out what Jackson wanted from him either. Adrian fell back on his usual way of being - he'd just accept what was offered, when it was offered. It meant Jackson would get upset with him again, since he wasn't sure what had been resolved if anything, but Jackson was brushing kisses on him now. Adrian wrapped his arms around Jackson's waist when Jackson pulled him into his own arms. "So nothing really changes. We are okay..."
"Except I stop sleeping with other people and hopefully...we start doing that?" Jackson looked down, almost shy for a moment. He knew Adrian wanted him, yes, and he would give up being with others for him. He wouldn't ask the same- this was Adrian's choice to make and he wanted to be sure that this was what his friend wanted - to be more. "I want to date you, to be with you. But I want to know you want that too."
Adrian had never had a proper relationship last more than a few months. "Who else are you sleeping with?" The question wasn't jealousy necessarily - but an odd curiosity. Adrian had been single since the beginning of the summer, so he didn't have to stop sleeping with anyone else.
"I mean in general." Jackson guided his friend into another kiss and smiled. "I'm with you and just you." Because really it wasn't hard for Jackson to find people to sleep with, but he cared about Adrian in a way that he did not think he could find with anyone else. He loved Adrian, while he just had momentary fun with the others he'd slept with.
"You don't have to change for me." Adrian repeated, not sure why Jackson was focused on that. And Jackson hadn't really answered the question. Maybe he was jealous… which was stupid. He moved to kiss Jackson instead, distracting himself from those thoughts and trying to reassure himself - or Jackson - that things were okay between them.
"I want to be what you deserve." His voice was soft and when Adrian kissed him, he deepened it instantly. The intense emotions were getting to be a lot to discuss and he just wanted a moment where it was just them. His hand moved to the front of Adrian's pants after a few seconds of deeper kissing and he pulled back to murmur, "Let me please you?" Because all of this was being settled on Adrian's terms now. Jackson knew what he wanted.
Adrian didn't deserve anything. He tried not to even want anything in his life... but he wanted Jackson. He flushed slightly when Jackson pulled back from the kiss (Adrian had shifted closer as Jackson deepened the kiss responding instantly and seeking closeness) at his words though… "Please." Adrian didn't have terms. He felt like he was just holding together.
Jackson slipped down to his knees, wincing instinctively even though it strangely didn’t hurt at all as it used to. His hands lightly touched along Adrian’s legs, moving slowly and teasingly for a few touches before he began to work at the button and zipper of his friend’s pants. They were pushed down quickly and Jackson flicked his tongue over Adrian before taking him fully into his mouth. He needed this right now, to show Adrian how much he felt for him.
It was harder for Adrian to hold himself together when Jackson knelt before him. He frowned at Jackson's wince, and reached his hand to brush Jackson's hair from his face. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Jackson to stop if it hurt, but he tried not to make a big deal of Jackson's injury not wanting his friend to feel self-conscious about it. As it was, Adrian knew it was a reminder of his friend's past, and it was important to accept it as part of him, but not something that limited what he could do.
Adrian couldn't help holding his breath when Jackson undid his pants. Jackson earned a strangled sort of noise when he took Adrian in his mouth. Adrian's hands settled in Jackson's hair and on his shoulder, needing his friend's help to remain standing properly. Adrian didn't deserve this…
Jackson would have disagreed vehemently if Adrian said what he was thinking. As it was he started to work with hands and mouth to bring as much pleasure as he could to his friend. He wanted Adrian to feel good and to know how loved he was and this was the best way he could think of to convey that. He shifted a tiny bit so he could see what reactions his actions were drawing from the other boy, needing to know he was doing well.
Adrian was rapidly losing the ability for thought as Jackson's hands and mouth worked at him. He watched for a bit, but it was too much, and he closed his eyes, dropping his head back. He didn't need to be able to see Jackson to know what he looked like. Adrian could picture every lash around his blue eyes. There could be no doubt how Jackson was doing. Adrian had gotten blow jobs before. But this was Jackson.
Jackson was grateful when he saw Adrian's head fall back, his reaction to the feelings obvious now. He was showing Adrian - he hoped - that it was more than okay to feel good and even more importantly that he deserved to have someone make him feel good. He kept his hand and mouth moving, moaning against his lover now - he could feel his own erection throbbing at the look of pleasure on his friend.
Adrian felt the tension building and rolled his head forward, forcing his eyes open to look down at Jackson. "Jackson.. I…" the tension building was obvious, even with the limited sexual history between them. Adrian felt himself shifting into Jackson, trying to get a little bit closer, and then the tension broke as he came.
Jackson had some experience in the past with this and could see the signals that Adrian was close. He simply used that thought to keep on going, wanting to give his friend all the pleasure he could. When he came, Jackson didn't pull back until it seemed he was entirely done, one arm moving to support Adrian more thoroughly. After he was done, he carefully shifted back, his arms holding Adrian up still to ensure he was secure.
Adrian felt Jackson's arm, felt the support offered. He needed it. His legs felt a little weak. After a moment to recollect himself, he reached down to help his friend back to his feet. "What do you want?" Adrian asked softly, predicting that Jackson was wound up in turn.
Jackson stroked his hand through Adrian's hair and kissed him lightly. "Whatever you feel comfortable doing, Adrian." Because he was obviously incredibly aroused but he didn't want to make his friend uncomfortable. He wanted this to be as right as he could make it, and he didn't want Adrian to think he was just doing this to get the return pleasure.
Adrian wasn't exactly a virgin, and had dated both genders. He was comfortable doing a lot. Adrian knew better than to use that as a way of reassuring his friend though, and instead kissed him back. "What do you want?" Adrian asked again, kissing Jackson's ear. He wanted Jackson to feel good too.
Jackson's hips bucked slightly when Adrian's lips and breath were on his ear. It was like a direct line to his erection, which grew even harder- almost painful now. "Touch me, please... Need you to touch me." Because he was pretty sure it wasn't appropriate even with them dating (that was what was settled, in his mind) to just start rutting against his friend, though his hips were pushing forward, his body begging for attention.
Adrian smiled at the physical response and the words. It was a little thrilling that just a question could elicit that kind of reaction. He quickly opened Jackson's pants, and pulling his friend free. He paused only to moisten his hand before wrapping his hand around Jackson. He wasn't going to waste time when Jackson was clearly eager, and he liked the feel of him in his hand. "Like this?" Adrian asked, knowing (he hoped) the answer, kissing Jackson's ear again.
"Fuck... Yes!" He bucked a bit more into Adrian's hand, his eyes closing for a moment before reopening and fixing on the other boy. He wanted this more than he had wanted nearly anything in his life. He couldn't help his reactions. This was Adrian, which made it automatically a million times more intense than it could be with anyone else.
Adrian smiled at the reaction. "This feels good?" Adrian could see the answer, but since the words seemed to be adding something for Jackson, he could continue, "You feel good." Adrian murmured. He did too.
Jackson was very intensely attuned to sounds and tones- perhaps because of his musical background. It didn't hurt that Adrian was clearly skilled at what he was doing and obviously wanted to give pleasure. "Yes.... So good, don't stop..." The last bit was on a moan, he could hardly hold back his thrusting into Adrian's hand and the gasps the contact drew from him.
Adrian didn't want him to hold back. He wanted to bring Jackson pleasure. His friend's movements only encouraged him. "Won't stop...until you come." Adrian assured Jackson. "Unless you want more."
Jackson wasn't going to ask for more this time. He wanted Adrian to do what felt right for him and so if he did more, Jackson would know it was acceptable to the other boy. "Just...want you." Because it was true. One of his hands moved to draw Adrian into a kiss, needing that extra connection too.
Making Jackson feel good felt right. Adrian'd been the one to initiate the new level of physicality between them. It seemed natural. Like kissing him felt natural. Touching him. Adrian wouldn't press Jackson to go further if he didn't want too. He wanted to bring him pleasure - bring him to release.
Jackson arched into the touch and his eyes fluttered slightly. "You're so good. Fucking Merlin, I'm..." And then there was no more words, just the pleasure his friend had drawn from him in his release. It was a mess, sure, but that was the last thing on his mind. What was on his mind was staying with Adrian as long as he could.
Adrian held him - kissed him - until the moment passed and he was sure Jackson was done. It was a good kind of mess they'd made. Jackson had tasted him… when the kiss ended, Adrian brought his hand to his mouth and licked a little of the mess from his hand in turn.
Jackson smiled slightly as Adrian licked his hand, his own hand moving to stroke along his cheek. He didn't think anyone he'd ever been with had made him feel anything this intensely and while it wasn't something he deserved it was something he wanted badly. He leaned to kiss Adrian again and then rested his forehead against the other boy's. "I don't want to be without you. I... I don't sleep right without you near me." A moment of vulnerability, but it was true.
"You don't ever sleep, Jackson." Adrian murmured, even as he slipped his arms around the other boy. And they were in different houses. It would be obvious if they started having overnights… as if everyone didn't already know something was going on based on the first feather incident.
"I slept on the 30th." A simple fact. He had had the most restful sleep he'd had in awhile that night. He shrugged. "The other night I slept too but I think that was more a dragged into unconsciousness?" That happened sometimes when his insomnia got too bad and he didn't do anything for it.
Adrian frowned trying to work out why Jackson had slept on the 30th… before remembering it was the last time they'd hooked up. The way Jackson finished his statement didn't reassure Adrian much. "So we need to work on that." Adrian murmured, softly, worried that it was as impossible as anything else.
"I slept well with you." Jackson's eyes moved to meet Adrian's and he brushed another kiss over the boy's lips. "You make my head quiet down." Sometimes. Other times he was reminded over and over how much he didn't deserve this boy in his life and it was just lucky Adrian didn't know how special he was.
From one impossible conversation to another. "Different houses." Adrian reminded Jackson, as though it wasn't obvious. He was touched though that he made Jackson's head quiet, and traced his fingers across it. Adrian was still reeling from everything. It had just seemed like things had maybe settled, when new issues arose.
"Don't have to sleep in the dorms." His voice was soft. Both boys were prefects so being out and doing rounds could take them to someplace else to sleep. It wouldn't be difficult to lock up a room, or to go up to the seventh floor and sleep in that room. "There's always ways. I don't like not being around you."
"You've been planning this for a while then." Adrian mused. He felt a little unsettled by Jackson's intensity, but he was a Gryffindor. Adrian worried this passion that seemed to be burning so hot would burn out just as fast, but he would enjoy it while it lasted, he tried to reassure himself.
Jackson recognized that the passion was high and hot, but he had the knowledge to build on that it could easily settle into a longer burn once the initial driven lust eased back. They needed to get that out first. He kissed Adrian's forehead and shook his head. "You're talking to someone who has slept in corners of classrooms when the dorm beds weren't right." Basically the entirety of last year he had been sleeping where and when he could.
"That's right, beds are optional for you." Adrian was softer than Jackson in that regard, but he was reminded that there were differences in their experiences. "Most people sleep in beds." Adrian supposed he'd learn to adapt, if Jackson needed it.
"Typically yes. But we can conjure one. I don't care where we are as long as I don't have to leave you now." He knew that Adrian had that fear built into him and he tried to subtly alleviate it whenever he could. "We can even see if we can get some elves to bring you a bit of chocolate."
Adrian's fear was twofold - that he would be left by someone he cared about… but he also feared that he was like his mother, and that he shouldn't - couldn't - be relied upon. It was why he didn't drink, and part of why he was reluctant to get too close to people. Jackson wanted to get closer. Chocolate wouldn't solve that. "It's not necessary. It has been less than 2 weeks that we've been at school. My stock is adequate… remember… the store only imports chocolate by the case." And Adrian tended to buy the entire case when it came in.
"So I shouldn't worry that your lips will stop tasting like chocolate?" A teasing note in his voice and he waved his wand at the door now, locking it. That was something they'd forgotten, but he didn't think they'd be leaving for a while- at least he didn't want to- and so the door being locked so they could be alone would be best.
"My toothpaste isn't chocolate." Adrian pointed out. He worried a little at Jackson's teasing since he did take his oral health seriously. "I don't always taste like chocolate." He'd never had anyone else tell him he tasted stale…
"I'm teasing, Adrian. I like how you taste." Twofold compliment there. He liked tasting not just the other boy's lips after all. He brushed another kiss over his lips, deepening it for a moment before pulling Adrian close against him, wanting him to feel that (at least for the moment- they'd go moment by moment) he was secure, protected, and loved.
It was going to be a long road if Jackson wanted Adrian to feel secure, but at least for a moment, with Jackson's tongue in his mouth (or his in Jackson's), Adrian could just enjoy. The fear never went away, but most of the time it was just a quiet uncertainty in the pit of his stomach, or the back of his mind. He could enjoy the kiss though, and let Jackson 'taste' him.
"We can stay here tonight. I want to stay with you." For a number of reasons. Both for himself and for Adrian. He lightly kissed along to Adrian's neck before shifting, aiming his wand at some desks to create a passable bed that would hold the both of them. "See? I can do beds too."
"You're skilled." Adrian agreed as they moved to the 'bed' and sat down. They couldn't do this every night, but after the emotional discussion - and with everyone else looking in on their relationship - taking a night to themselves was probably be a good idea.
Jackson settled against the pillows before pulling Adrian close to him, kissing his forehead. "You are too." There were a lot of other things that he believed of Adrian but he didn't want to push any more for the night. He had said what he felt. Now was time to prove it to be true.