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Castiel is a better weapon ([info]ofthursdays) wrote in [info]carnaval_logs,
@ 2013-09-03 18:20:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:~anna milton, ~castiel

Who: Castiel and Anna
What: Facing the Music
When: Monday night
Where: Anna's tent
Warnings: Angst



He told Anna he would come right away and he hadn't meant to lie. He didn't plan to move in the opposite direction, to find a place alone. It was only after he'd arrived at the dark spot a good distance from the camp that he understood fully why he was there. It was difficult to confront his own shame. Castiel had already made many decisions he was less that proud of but standing by while Anna was taken, all that he did after his brothers had "re-educated" him, he didn't miss the cost to others. If Anna was angry and she had every right to be. It was his place now to face her but he would have gone anyway. Anna was important to him. He knew that only made it worse but it meant there was no running. As hard as it was to go he didn't want to stay away.

The two weeks he'd been there and he was still coming to terms with being out of the fight. He didn't trust it but all his attempts to find the power behind it lead nowhere. There was nothing familiar and nothing out of the ordinary. He had been so distracted trying to learn his strange job between trying to work out what was happening, he'd missed Dean's presence. He didn't have his phone but that didn't matter here anyway. There was no signal and, now, no one he need call. He was sure there was more he needed to do than satisfy his customers but his true purpose was yet to be revealed.

When he saw the letter from Anna, though, he started to think about the place a little differently. It wasn't just an interruption. He was, as he sat in the silent dark, starting to see a possible value among the forced servitude and if there was work to be done, so be it.

Castiel rose to his feet and closed the distance between his quite place and the cluster of tents. He found Anna's, stood outside. There was no knocking but he knew he was expected. He lifted the flap and stepped inside, taking a deep breath as he did so.



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[info]outofheaven
2013-09-03 08:37 pm UTC (link)
She was an angel, and angels are widely known as the most patient beings in creation. Anna, however, had never been a very good angel, and right now she was feeling extremely impatient. She paced around her tent. Unfolded her costume and draped it across the bed. Spangly. Hum.

She had already changed into the simple dress she'd been given, and she'd twisted her hair up into a style she remembered from her observations during this time period. Other angels weren't as observant as she had been—but one could argue that that particular strength had also been her weakness.

She sighed and flicked a few spangles off her costume. Just as she was about to go find Cas herself, the tent flap opened and he stepped inside. She stared at him, taken aback. He looked...different. Angels didn't change. It was the nature of their existence: cold and eternal. But, somehow, Castiel was altered.

She blinked. "Hello, Castiel," she said, her voice cool.

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-09-03 10:56 pm UTC (link)
Castiel himself didn't consider himself a very good angel. Not any more. Slowly but surely, sometimes in fits and starts, his faith in Heaven and the ways he'd always known was eroding. No. He was a poor example of his kind. He'd looked down on Anna for doing what he was doing. The words he'd said to her were not lost to time. He had pulled away because he was afraid. It was so much easier to toe the line and he'd believed, then, his orders had weight behind them. He didn't want to believe anything else.

He still didn't, when it came down to it. He hated the fact Heaven was not what it should be. Working with Hell to free Lucifer? Giving up on its Eternal mission? Lying to its loyal agents? To itself? It filled him with sadness and anger in equal measure. It had taken too long, and considerable pushing, for anger to win out. The fear didn't pass with the knowledge that, at least some of the time, he was possibly doing the right thing.

Not by Anna though and he would never deny her her anger. His commander. His sister. His friend. He noticed her hair barely and her Grace with a swell in his vessel's chest. A mix of shame, cold fear and relief. He made himself meet here gaze, the effort showing in his balled fists.

"It's good to see you, Anna," he said sincerely. He waited. He did not apologise. He did not beg. He did not consider he was worthy of her forgiveness. He merely waited for her to say what she needed to say.

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[info]outofheaven
2013-09-04 07:16 pm UTC (link)
She stared at him a long time, her arms crossed over her chest. The silence swelled between them, fraught and tense, but she let it grow. Her eyes narrowed as she looked him up and down. The coat was the same. The rumpled suit. Anyone else might not have noticed a difference in him, but she was an angel, and he was (or had been) her brother.

Good to see her. That was rich, considering. "Why are you here?" she said. The lights outside the tent flickered and brightened, and she tamped down on her Grace with effort. "This isn't Heaven. There are no other angels but us. What's happened, Castiel? What have you done?"

It had to have been him. He was the last familiar face she'd seen before the two angels grabbed her to take her back to Heaven. There'd been a whoosh of wings, and then...nothing. For a moment, nothing, until she woke up here. Had he had a last-minute surge of remorse and somehow sent her through time instead of back home?

Possible, she supposed, but it still left a lot of unanswered questions.

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-09-05 06:15 am UTC (link)
"I didn't choose to come here," he said softly. He took her reaction for what it was, didn't try and sway her. He spoke plainly though, since he had spoken to Dean, he wanted even less to answer her question. He looked down, shook his head. "A great many things. Few of them were the right thing to do." The message he'd received was clear. He'd messed up. He'd lost the trust of everyone he had left. He had no idea how to get it back. He wasn't even sure he could trust his own judgement.

Perhaps it was only fair. Perhaps it was right. He'd tried to do what was right but yardsticks had been hard to find. What was always so defined was gone. He's felt around in the dark and ended up here. He looked at the floor. The shock of the first two weeks had been nothing compared to this.

He stood his ground. Didn't know how to move forward. Couldn't move back.

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[info]outofheaven
2013-09-05 07:52 pm UTC (link)
So he hadn't chosen this either? Maybe the whole thing wasn't his doing after all. She didn't know if that left her more relieved or even angrier. Her mouth tightened when he said he'd done few right things, and she wondered what specifically he had in mind.

"I'm talking about us, Castiel. The last time I saw you. Two minutes before I got here? You asked to meet with me, and then you turned me over to our superiors. You betrayed me. You freed Sam Winchester from that panic room, and you lured me into a trap."

She paused. "I know you'd just returned from Heaven. I know the sort of things they do up there. That makes me wonder even more...how could you have done it? You were my comrade. My brother. Sometimes even my friend."

She spun around, shaking her head. She couldn't look at him anymore, at that whipped puppy expression on his face. She wasn't interested in his self pity. She couldn't abide it. "Maybe this was a mistake," she bit out. "Maybe you should just go."

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[info]ofthursdays
2013-09-05 09:02 pm UTC (link)
"You know the sort of things they do up there," he said softly. But it wasn't just that. He'd wanted the reassuring feeling of certainty. He'd wanted orders. He didn't want to believe everything he'd known he wrong. It was clear he was still making the same mistakes. It was easy to think walking away from her was better for her too but it felt like taking the easier path and wasn't that how he got into this mess?

"I was afraid. I didn't want those things to be true. If they were..." Nothing he could say to undo it. He'd done the wrong thing by her and had no better reason than his own fears and confused ideals.

He looked at her then. He didn't want to lose contact with her again but he wanted her to find the peace he'd helped to deny her too. He didn't know what part he had to play in that yet, if any. "The mistake was mine," he said evenly. "I'm sorry, Anna." The apology may have been a mistake too but he didn't want to offer anything but the truth.

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