Thor thinks you people are so petty...and tiny. (thunder_god) wrote in canonwarslogs, @ 2014-07-15 13:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | darcy lewis, thor odinson |
Who: Thor & Darcy
What: Darcy helps give Thor a rundown on appliances and cellphones.
Rating: Safe for all eyes, methinks!
Thor’s current abode on the island was a pretty posh affair, but with a decidedly manly ambiance. There was a lot of polished marble and find furnishing, with only the occasional sign of someone going smash on a minor scale that only a Hulk could appreciate.
The smash was because Thor could not find Mjolnir. Yet. He was certain if he was there, then by extension, his hammer must arrive as well. He didn’t want to have to go through fighting his way through a heavily guarded crater all over again.
Dressed in a casual t-shirt and jeans, Thor awaited Darcy’s arrival while kicking aside the remains of a table he had flipped over with a little too much...oomph.
Darcy had been really excited to use portkeys. Who wasn’t excited to use portkeys? She didn’t really have anything to grab, so she just headed to one and then took it over to wherever Thor was. The portkey had nearly made her throw up, but in a good way. She wanted to do it again.
She made her way to his very posh place and knocked on the door. “Hey,” she greeted. “I have arrived. Have you been through a portkey yet? Those are wicked. Though I guess you don’t need any if you can fly. Have you found mew-mew yet?”
Thor had opened the doorway and half-listened to what Darcy was saying about portals and keys, before he swept her up in a nearly bone-crushing hug of massive proportions. It was a great substitute for chiropractic care, since it was highly probable that her spine was popped into alignment (and hopefully not out of).
“Lady Darcy! It is good to see you!” He made no move to set her down. “I have not tried these wicked portkeys as of yet, and can make no claim if they are evil or good, as you say. I also can not fly, since I require Mjolnir to do so. My hammer is still missing.”
He looked momentarily forlorn about the matter, finally setting Darcy down on her own two feet again.
Oh good grief. That was all she had time to think of before she was being picked up and crushed like a tiny pebble in the great arms of Thor. She didn’t really mind though and he wasn’t actually trying to break her. Her eyes did widen a bit though, and she hugged him back as best as she possibly could. Her arms were a little too short to be reaching around his magnificent body though.
“I need to breathe, big guy..” she half sputtered. “I’m glad to see you too. Portkeys are uh.. they spin you around a lot.”
Once she was on her feet, she inhaled sharply and then let it out. “Okay well then first order of business is finding your hammer.”
"If it is anything likened to the Bifrost, then I believe I can tolerate being spun about," he assured Darcy, with a broad grin. That grin faltered when he held out his hand and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Then there was a heavy sigh. "I think Mjolnir's arrival is merely belated. This land...or island...seems most secure. I do not think we need worry about needing defend it, quite yet."
This was likely the byproduct of too many fangirls imagining he was real and without his hammer in hand every second. That meant this was all thanks to countless hours of smutty daydreaming, where his hands were usually preoccupied with being applied to Jane, Sif, Darcy, Natasha, Loki (what?), any of the other male Avengers (bigger what?), or an O.C. waitress based on the person believing that someday her Norse thunder prince would come. Naturally, said waitress would find his coffee cup throwing somehow endearing and was all too happy to lean forward a little too much while pouring him a refill in a brand new cup. Further manly man behavior would also be endearing enough to invite him back into the cooler for some rated XXX hanky panky.
Because the other half of true believers didn't ignore the hammer, it was already on it's way and - when Thor least expected it during one of his 'Let's see if MewMew is around' moments - he would get clocked when it actually came flying out from under the kitchen sink. It will leave holes in whatever walls are between it and Thor’s hand. Hopefully any house guests are absent at the time, or they might need a trip to the hospital.
So, oh yes. It's coming. Just you all wait for it.
“I guess it’s like that. I have no idea.” She never got to go on the Bifrost. Maybe she should have been glad about that. Poor Thor. She kept waiting for the hammer to show up and it didn’t look like it was going to. She had no idea what was up with that. “Probably. Something like that. Maybe you should try to ask whoever is in charge if like.. they can find out what’s going on with it.” Though she didn’t know who was in charge.
And she didn’t know how much she had his hands applying to her, thank you very much. But in any case, she really hoped that they would figure out this hammer thing sooner than later. And she wasn’t sure she wanted to know about the XXX hanky panky. Definitely not.
“Maybe I should see your phone while we wait?”It's probably best not to know how much everyone-on-everyone Avengers slut fic there is out there, Darcy. No joke.
To say he felt naked without his hammer was an understatement. He knew it would turn up sooner or later, and looked perplexed as he listened to her. And he looked even more perplexed as he handed over a phone to her, that had a slightly cracked case around the rim of it, from someone holding it in a kung fu grip.
"I do not know who is in charge, but I shall take your advice to heart. Now, I believe this is the phone you speak of. I have not mastered it's purpose as of yet, as I was preoccupied with not breaking the computer." Voice to text was Thor's best friend. He was not as quick on the upswing, so to speak, like Loki would have been. Loki spent so many hours reading, a habit instilled into him by their mother, that...
Thor's expression suddenly went crashing down from perplexed into total grim face.
Taking the phone from him, she looked it over and then unlocked it. “Okay well first of all, it’s going to break easy, so be gentle with it.” She definitely got voice to text for him. That was probably easier. “So the main feature of the phone is to be able to call and talk to someone when they’re not near you. So say I’m at home, and you’re here at home and you want to talk to me.” Darcy put her phone number into his phone and showed him. “You just hit this button, or say ‘call darcy’ and it calls my phone. Then you can talk to me.”
She showed him a little of how it worked, from one phone to her own. Just so he could see how it worked. “The other part of the phone really is to look things up. Using the internet. Things like that.
When his face fell, she glanced back up at him. “What’s wrong?”
"Ah. I see." He had listened intently, committing to memory what Darcy was showing him as best he could. But when she asked him what was wrong, there was a pensive pause. "I was thinking of someone who is now gone. My brother. Although I lost my trust in him, I was thinking he would have things such as this mastered, in little time at all."
He mustered up a smile for Darcy. "I do not wish to burden you with dark thoughts. I appreciate teaching me how these things should be dealt with. And letting me know that Google is not a person. Now I know why it was directing my personal questions of it, in strange directions."
Questions like "Why do you not answer me directly?" led him to several Q&A forums or religious websites.
Darcy oh’d a bit. “You mean Loki.” That was a name that she wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about. She’d never met the guy, but he had tried to kill everyone. Repeatedly. She wasn’t exactly a forgiving sort of person. “It’s okay, I don’t mind. I’m here for all of your questions and answers.” She didn’t really mind answering them, it was the least she could do. Especially since she actually knew about technology.
She was a little amused at the thought of google or siri being an actual person. Not that she’d say that to him. It was probably pretty obvious though. “Anything else you need to ask, you just tell me.”
Thor nodded slowly.
"I know he would not apologize for what he did to your people, but he did die with honor. I must take heart that he tried to make amends in his last moments."
With that said, he mustered up his resolve and nodded, leaving the matter be. There were matters of import, and that was finding out how things worked. Many of Midgard's 'modern conveniences' were foreign to him.
"There are many things in the kitchens that are still strange to me. I know of cereal," and how could he not, considering Jane seemed to consume bowls of cereal in vast amounts, "and I remember how it was she cooked eggs. I know of coffee, but not the means to make it. And there is a box with a window in the front of it, that when I push my hand down on the numbers and buttons, it lights up inside and hums, and then makes a noise and goes dark again. What does that do?"
Yes, please tell Thor what the microwave does. He has not yet unraveled it's mysteries. Luckily, he hasn't thrown it across the room because it frustrated him, either.
“Honor. Sure. You guys and your honor.” Darcy didn’t really know what to say about that. “If you say so.” she shrugged a little. She only knew what they told her.
She decided to follow Thor into the kitchen so that she could explain appliances to her. God she should have written a notebook full of this stuff. Maybe she would after all of this was over. “That’s a microwave. It’s like a real oven but it’s a shorter time to cook and you mostly put frozen things in there. I’ll show you.” She went over and tried to explain as best as she could.
Then she explained how the coffee machine worked. “I’m going to write all of this down for you.”
"Dying with honor is admirable, as is dying bravely in battle," Thor had assured her, speaking in a low voice. "He said he was sorry. It must be left, at that."
He was able to forget about lost family members, a little bit, thanks to Darcy. The microwave was now the magic food box. It is now made of awesome and win. Thor looked forward to putting all the frozen things into it and watching them cook (until they exploded).
"I may require written instruction," he told Darcy, while eyeing the coffee machine. "I must remember to handle these fragile constructs with some measure of care, lest they break."
Everything was going to get manhandled. That’s a fact.
Darcy couldn’t help but look highly doubtful about dying with honor. You were still dead after that. How honorable could that be? “Oh. He’s sorry. That’s such a relief to know.” Yes that was highly sarcastic. She even rolled her eyes after she said it.
Teaching him about the magic food box was much better. She kind of figured that he would break it within the week, but being a prince he could afford to buy a new one. Or just hire a chef to make food. “Sure thing. If I were you, I’d just hire a servant like me to cook all your food. So you don’t have to do all this stuff.”
She grabbed some paper and started to write everything down.
Someday, Thor would have to explain the death with honor thing. Now was not that day, since he was more busy trying to get his mind off any despair, by paying attention to what Darcy was telling him. And then an idea struck him.
"A MOST EXCELLENT IDEA," Thor said in a voice like thunder, slamming one hand down on the kitchen countertop. "I will hire you, Darcy Lewis! You seem to have such matters mastered, already!"
Darcy jumped almost a mile. She was going to have to get used to that. Good grief. “Shh.. indoor voices, Thor!” Her heart was pounding “Me?? Uh.. I guess? I mean I’m not that good. But I guess? I mean.. if I can’t be Jane’s manservant, I guess i can be yours?”
Why didn’t she get to be a princess or have a lot of money? Why was she always someone’s servant? Sigh.
"Oh. Of course. I beg your pardon, I forgot myself," Thor amended, and he looked unswayed in his decision.
It was a good thing that there was little protesting on her part! In fact, Darcy seemed to know all about these things and was gracious enough to visit and try to explain things, then Thor imagined the Crown Prince of Norway was not going to miss any money in the hiring of a qualified servant. Even if that's not what Darcy seemed to like being called.
"I recall that you did not like such a title. Is there not a better one that we can give you? And what would you like, in payment?" He looked around, not seeing anything made of gold or resembling coins or bars, and so he simply handed her a shiny silver box with slots on top. "This looks like it might have cooking magic within it. Should it fail to please you, then you may melt it down for coin or trade for other goods."
He has paid Darcy off with a toaster. For serious, you guys.
One thing at a time, she supposed. The first thing was to get him to stop yelling like that. She would have to remind him a bunch, she was sure of that. Then she could deal with the whole servant thing. “Ah well.. I don’t know if there’s a better title. Servants generally aren’t treated very well. And.. I’m not sure I like the insinuation that it’s all I’m good for. Not to mention that if Jane shows up, I’ll be torn between helping you and her and..”
She was going to have to stand up for herself. Hopefully Darcy could just suck it up and do it.
She took the toaster and raised her eyebrows. “Uh.. this isn’t really all that.. it doesn’t cost all that much. Look, I’ll help you get a good cook, but I kind of need to do my own thing. Work for myself or something. And not wait on people. And be treated with respect. And like an equal. You get that, right”
Darcy was welcome to try, and she might even be able to remind him not to yell, even in internet speak. The sad fact was, that Thor was probably going to have his bouts of loud. It's because he's Thor. It's how he rolls. LIKE THUNDER.
"I do not want you to be left a mere servant once more, and you should be paid for such tasks. If there is another title, you are deserving of it, and of appreciation for your help," Thor explained, taking back the toaster and chucking it aside, where it landed with a crash and a clatter on the kitchen floor. He didn't appear to notice. "I do understand your meaning. If you would help arrange such things, then I would see you well compensated for your time in doing so. And in that way, mayhap you would be able to find more suitable work for yourself."
Thor using internet speak was the best thing in the world. The yelling thing was not. But she was okay with reminding him to use indoor voices like she was teaching third grade. Because that was how she rolled. Less like thunder. More like sexy librarian chic.
“Well most servants still get paid. So working for Jane I was even less than one. So.. yeah. I want to get paid for doing things I want to do. That kind of thing. Besides, with all your money, you should hire someone who is actually good at cooking.” Which Darcy was not. She wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t like she knew how to cook anything but spaghetti or whatever. “Yeah sure. I can help you find someone. I don’t know what to do with myself now that I’m here.”
There's probably a whole lot of people that know Thor, that would agree that he needs a friend who's got some librarian going 'shhhhh' in them to hang around. And it has to be someone he didn't want to homerun into next week with one strike of Thor's ban hammer.
"You require the time in which to decide what you wish to do. That is admirable, and well that you wish to hold firm in your conviction."
He smiled and nodded once, firmly, to let her know that he approved. He would probably approve of her cooking also, since all it would take is him being introduced to hot pockets, ramen noodles, beer, and the bacon cheeseburgers that were mentioned on the network, and he would be a happy camper. Maybe less with the chef and more with someone to hit drive thrus and convenience stores.
"You have my gratitude! Should you ever change your mind, then this Crown Prince of Norway shall hire you under whatever title you so desire, and you will be well paid. Only should you not find what it is, that you wish to do. Know that I do not think it will come to that." He put one hand firmly down on Darcy's shoulder, much as he would do to a fellow warrior. "I believe you will discover what it is that you desire most to do, and shall obtain it soon after."
Darcy smiled back at him. “Yeah that’s it. Thanks for understanding.” After all it was just the two of them technically. Well if you didn’t count the Avengers. She wasn’t, because she didn’t really know them all that well. And she was more than happy to take him out to dinner. Where cheeseburgers were actually good and the food was cooked by someone who knew what they were doing.
“You’re welcome, big guy. Thanks. I’ll remember that.” She beamed up at him and put her hand on top of his. Hopefully so he wouldn’t crush her shoulder.
“I really hope so.”
It probably didn't help that Thor's other hand went thwomp right down on Darcy's other shoulder. Thor laughed and nodded, looking much like he was in good spirits.
"I know as much. This is a new world and you shall find your way," he exclaimed. "I remember that I found my way, when I was banished from Asgard, ran over, and you used your little lightning weapon on me. It was an enlightening experience! Let us discuss it, over many a bacon cheeseburger. I have yet to try them and I wish to."
Yes. Cheeseburgers. That's all plural, not singular.