Kazuya (kazuya) wrote in candypop, @ 2008-05-11 07:21:00 |
|
|||
Current mood: | tired |
11th of May 2008, Tomohisa and Kazuya
Kazuya held back a yawn as he walked out through the doors to the 7-eleven store. It was a little past three and he was very, very ready to go home already to sleep. So far he didn't have anything coming up until lunch tomorrow so that meant he could sleep in... sleep in, you had any idea of how awesome that was?
Today had been a pretty awful day. Not only because of his neverending private issues, and the visit to Wakayama, but also because he and Koki had ended up arguing at work... If there was anything Kazuya hated more than anything it was arguing. Sure, he was pretty good at it when it happened but even if he was -right- it was awful because someone always ended up angry. It was worse when he knew he was the wrong doing things wrong though...
"Dammit...," he mumbled as he picked up his phone from the pocket of his jeans, just about to send a mail to Koki, apologizing for the way he'd been behaving. Though he didn't get further than opening it as he instead laid eyes on... what most people just thought was a stumbling, drunk businessman, but... There was no way he'd ever mistake that figure for someone else.
Tomohisa deliberately scuffed his shoes on the pavement, watching tiny white lines appear across the black purely for the tiny amount of sick satisfaction obtained by destroying an inanimate object. It wasn't like he didn't have more of these, or even if he didn't have another pair exactly like these then he could always get some more. Isn't life wonderful when you don't have to worry too much about money? Just incredible, fantastic, beautiful!
Honestly he felt like crying right now. Had felt that way for most of the night and really done it for a little while earlier, sitting in the corner of that stupid bar feeling like a stupid freaking idiot because that was what he was. Couldn't even keep his thoughts straight, what kind of use was someone like that? None, exactly. Useless, he'd gotten lately.
Something told him to ignore it, to let it be. To just return to his car and to drive away. To pretend he hadn't seen him, to pretend that there was no Tomohisa right there, right in front of him. That wasn't Tomohisa, that was someone else. Someone he didn't know... And probably that would be the best thing to do. The smartest thing to do... To just leave and pretend he hadn't seen him.
But would he be able to? Kazuya knew very well that he wouldn't be able to do that. He couldn't just leave Tomohisa alone when he noticed how drunk he was, when he saw how he was completely -alone- and... everyone who knew Tomohisa even just a little bit, knew how that was wrong. It was completely wrong, it didn't happen... Unless something was -very- wrong. And even though he had gotten told not to care...
Kazuya blinked a couple of times and turned in an attempt to get a good view of himself in the window into the store. It was difficult, but from what he could see, he saw he wasn't black under his eyes and the hair looked okay... Which was what mattered, wasn't it? And his voice of course but that he simply had to trust wouldn't let him down for now.
What would he say? 'Tomohisa'? Or 'Yamapi'? Or maybe 'Yamashita'? Or maybe just 'Pi'... That was the main question that was going around in Kazuya's head as he carefully approached the older one and when a couple of meters away he stopped, silently cleared his throat and then took another step forward.
"Pi...?"
Tomohisa whirled around as he heard something he could only have taken to be someone calling him - Pi! Someone called him Pi, wasn't that nice? It wasn't every day that he got called that. But then how long had it been since anyone had actually used his name? Silly really. He had so many nicknames that maybe people were forgetting his name already.
Noticing who exactly it was, his thoughts couldn't quite seem to keep up and thus he didn't really react for a few seconds. "Oh," he mumbled, smiling in that humorless way that tends to happen when you're so far into despair it seems strange that you ever smiled at all. "Hello." A jaunty wave, a parody of itself. "I suppose you've come to ruin me a bit more! You picked a great time~"
It hurt. To see him like that, to hear him actually say something like that... Kazuya tightened his grip around the white bag in his hand before he glanced back at the car and gave it a short nod.
"I'll give you a ride home," he said, not at all considering to answer what Tomohisa just had said. He didn't mean it... he wanted to believe that he didn't actually mean it, that he actually was... a little bit happy to see him. But then again - who was he trying to fool? Didn't make it any less difficult though... But even if he didn't mean it, there was no way that Kazuya could actually leave Tomohisa like this. After all, this was quite a bit away from where he actually lived. Sure, the older one could take a cab, but when he... was like this, how likely was it that he would?
Yeah, because every guy in the world who was struggling with how exactly he felt for his overzealous ex to the point of going out and getting completely blind drunk over it -really- wanted to accept a lift home from that very same person, right? It was just Tomohisa being silly that made him immediately want to tell Kamenashi to get lost and leave him alone with his thoughts, right? Somehow he didn't think so. Stupid guy was so insensitive all the time...
"Don' want one," he mumbled, settling right back into being despondent and unresponsive, and turned around with every intention of shuffling off in the direction he was really hoping was towards his apartment building. If it turned out not to be then... then he'd just have to walk back.
Of course that would be what he'd say. Of course... It sort of made sense too though, didn't it? After all they weren't on the best of terms right now, they were ex-boyfriends too, of course Tomohisa wouldn't want a ride with him but...
"C'mon," he tried, "you can't get home like that. It's at least half an hour to where you live from here, it's not good publicity if you walk around like that." There was, hopefully, no need to point out that Tomohisa was drunk - he usually was aware of those things himself. Kazuya was usually the one to deny the fact that he was drunk, even though he was aware of that he was, normally he would deny it so much that he even believed it himself for a little while. Tomohisa had never been like that, always aware of that 'now' he was drunk... Probably it was better to have a personality like that.
"Shut up," Tomohisa snapped, without the usual venom that you might expect. He simply didn't have the energy to be putting into things like that right now. He needed his energy for things like... staying upright and... not going absolutely insane.
"Don' want nothin' from you," he continued, swaying a bit on the spot as - horror of horrors - he felt his eyes start stinging again. No, he couldn't, not here, not now, just get rid of -him- and then it would all be fine... "You ruin everything..." More swaying, more swaying- ah fuck shit can't rebalance dammit dammit -ow-.
"Itte...," he mumbled, though didn't get up from where he'd fallen. Maybe it was better to stay down here. Hadn't he learned by now to just stay down? He'd only end up back there anyway...
He was drunk, Kazuya reminded himself, he was drunk and thus he wasn't really -completely- aware of what he was saying? Only that was a lie. Kazuya knew very well that even if he had been sober, Tomohisa definitely could have said things like that. Which was what hurt the most... Probably. He wasn't quite sure of what actually hurt the most right now. To see him like this, to hear him say things like that or knowing that -he- was the reason for why he... wanted to say them in the first place.
As Tomohisa fell, Kazuya quickly took a step forward, though of course not in time to keep him from falling. Though he was quick with grabbing the older one's arm and attempt to get him up.
"I'll just take you home," he said, hoping it'd convince Tomohisa to come with him. He couldn't seriously stay outside like this after all. "Will drop you off at the am-pm store, 'kay?"
Stupid Kame, stupid stupid Kame couldn't even let Tomohisa hate himself in peace? Why did he always have to stick his nose in, to decide that everything was his stupid business and it was his stupid job to care and to do all that stupid stuff, and make it look like he was so great and then... And then in the end... It was always just the same! Every time, every time just the same and it wasn't -fair- because every time it looked like it could be better, like maybe it would work this time and then it never did.
His eyes were really burning now and Tomohisa no longer felt like walking anywhere. Shrugging off Kazuya's hand he stood up of his own volition - slowly and with no small amount of swaying so that at one point he almost toppled right back over. "Fine," he mumbled. He'd take this stupid ride with stupid Kame but he wasn't going to talk to him. Or listen if he was going to do the whole lecture thing that he probably totally was because that'd be just like him.
It didn't take too long for them to get to the car now once Tomohisa had made up his mind and decided to be smart and accept the ride he was offered. After all, it was the smartest thing to do, wasn't it? Unless you really were going somewhere else... or something. But Tomohisa could barely walk straight, so it went without saying he should get a ride home.
"Here," Kazuya said and handed the older one a bottle of water. Though he didn't wait for him to take it, but simply put it in his lap before starting the engine. Now he was going to drive to that place... that place he hadn't been at for... however long it had been. Felt like forever. To be honest he didn't want to, it was still difficult to just think of that apartment and everything that had happened there, but he really... didn't have the heart to leave Tomohisa either, and in this case Tomohisa was more important.
For a good few moments Tomohisa simply stared at the bottle of water, before he realised that between staring through squinting eyes and the vibration of the engine he was really starting not to feel very well. Throwing up in here would so not be cool because it was like, that guy would get really pissed and it would be gross and just no thanks. So, water, water would help.
The top was off and he'd put it to his lips in no time at all, not really caring as a few drops escaped his mouth and instead ran unchecked over his chin and down his neck to soak into his tshirt somewhere down the line. Home, he'd be home soon, where he could sleep and be away from all this for a while. How wonderful would that be, to have his thoughts quiet for a while, just a little while...
Kazuya had decided even before they got in the car that he wasn't going to say anything. He had realised by now that whenever he tried to, everything seemed to get so much worse. For a little while it'd feel like it was getting better, it was becoming easier to deal with but then it all came back to hit him in the face just like always, only even harder for each and every god damn time.
So he wasn't going to say something. He was going to be silent, not even glance at the older one... even though he wanted to. He wanted to look at him, to look him in the eyes, to apologize and to ask for another chance. He wanted to be given another chance, he wanted to... he wanted so many things. And everything Tomohisa seemed to want was to be left alone. He was the one not really asking for much here, and he was the one who deserved to get what he asked for - so he should be the one who got to be left alone...
Kazuya blinked as he felt how tears burned in his eyes. He wanted to blame it on that he hadn't slept well, that he'd been working too much, but you had to be really stupid to not understand. It was almost as if... just sitting next to him, it hurt. Just smelling the perfume that was mixed with smoke and alcohol... It was so much, so much Tomohisa, so much that once had been right there, right next to him and now... Even though he was sitting next to him, probably he hadn't ever been further away before. And it hurt so much.
Far from having the sort of determination that meant he could keep himself from even looking, Tomohisa found himself glancing at his 'companion' every few seconds before returning his gaze to out of the window. He couldn't stop thinking, all the time he was thinking about... about before. About how things used to be, about how things had come to be now, about everything - what he'd been thinking about the entire night and what he'd drunk so very much in an attempt to forget about just for a bit. Of course not even that worked, it never seemed to anymore.
When he'd been younger it had been an easy thing to grab a friend and get hammered and forget about everything, maybe even get laid in the process. But he was a grown man now. An adult. Things had to change once one became an adult. Taking the easy way out of anything was 'childish', one was expected to take the long way around absolutely anything once past a certain age. Though this time it didn't seem like there -was- a short way to be taking things, no matter how old one was.
Moving a bit in his seat so that his body angled away from Kazuya's, not only to keep himself from dwelling but to keep the other from seeing this, the older of the two lowered his head so that his chin touched his chest and stopped trying to hold back. Just for a moment he could... do this. It was okay to be childish, so long as -he- didn't see. And he wouldn't, Tomohisa thought to himself. He couldn't.
Had he not been so lost in thought, Kazuya probably would have noticed. But right now he didn't, right now he was just driving while thinking. Thinking of how weird it was to sit with Tomohisa like this. How weird it was to actually be this close to him again but not being able to do something... They hadn't seen one another for such a long time but then now suddenly they were in the same car. And sure he was just giving the older one a ride but even so they were still in the same car...
He wanted to say something to make things better, he wanted to go back in time. To go back to the beginning of this year because back then everything had been perfect. Nothing had been wrong back then, he and Tomohisa had been getting along fine. Sure they hadn't seen each other very much but that was okay because back then they had still been together. They had still been in a relationship... they had been... in love and all that. Then everything had gone straight to hell and now they were like this...
It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was... Or maybe it was and Kazuya simply didn't like it. But that didn't sound very likely. For two years, for two years were they doing something that wasn't supposed to be? That made no sense... surely the two of them -were- supposed to be? They had to... It felt so right after all. It...it had to be like that.
Tomohisa didn't look up for the rest of the journey, content to sit there and think nothing and just feel like he was sitting in a black hole rather than in the car of someone he would have said he 'loved' not too long ago. Maybe he would even have said that now, if one looked past all the hesitation and the fear and everything and just looked at how he -felt-. Personally he couldn't really say. That was the most difficult part, that he didn't even understand himself anymore.
When he felt the car stop and heard the engine cut off, he moved so that he sat squarely in the seat again and looked up - the sight meeting his eyes definitely not the one he'd expected. Where... were they? More importantly, what were they doing here?
"...What..?," he started, looking over at Kazuya, wanting an answer because he definitely didn't understand this.
This wasn't where Tomohisa lived. He didn't live by the ocean after all, especially not this close to it. Kazuya hadn't actually drived here on purpose though, he had been set on that he would take Tomohisa home but instead, having been lost in his own thoughts, he had eventually ended up going to this beach not too far away from Tokyo (but closer to Chiba) and... in the end realised that maybe he should just stop.
"Can't think...," he mumbled in reply to the older one, knowing that it probably didn't make sense but even so hoping that he'd understand. He couldn't think straight though. More than anything right now he wanted to cry. To get out of the car, walk down to the beach and shout something at the ocean... It had happened a few times and somehow it made him feel better but... He couldn't do that now. Not with Tomohisa here... He'd just end up crying afterwards. He couldn't do that with him there. It was okay if he knew about it, as long as he didn't see.
Falling silent, Tomohisa settled back into the seat and stared ahead. The ocean. Just as it had always been, the ocean. It was so huge, in the dark it looked like this was where the world ended for real, like there was really nothing past this - though he knew there was just more land on the other side, with more people probably thinking the same thing as he did. Maybe even if it was light there.
What time was it? He'd lost track as he'd been drinking, maybe the sun would come up soon. He'd seen sunrises before but none in quite such strange conditions as this. Why couldn't this whole thing just be over already? Of course he knew why... because even in wishing that, he had no idea which way he wanted it to be finished. What he wanted from this whole thing. It felt like a decision as much as it felt like something he just had to find out. Surely this wasn't normal...
For some reason Kazuya couldn't help but feel that it was nice, to sit with Tomohisa like this. They didn't talk, didn't even look at each other but just... having him there, right next to him... for some reason it was calming. It made him feel better, it... it made everything so much easier. Somehow.
Was it weird that this was one of the reasons to why he loved him so much? That, no matter if they were on good or bad terms, as long as he was there it felt as if everything would, somehow, be okay. As though he was the one making sure everything turned out okay in the long run, because that was what people like him did. Great people... he was a great person.
Time passed. Kazuya barely noticed, but as he saw how the sky before them was taking on an orange color, he realised that it had to be very early already. If it was early enough for the sun to rise, then it surely was early enough for them to get home and sleep. Unless... The younger one quickly glanced at Tomohisa, expecting to find him sleeping in the seat next to him, but as he saw how he only seemed to be looking at the exact same thing that he was (not that there was much else to look at though), Kazuya quickly looked away again. A second ago he had been ready to leave already but now... Why did it hurt so much?
There were... really no two ways around this, were there. As time had passed it seemed as though Tomohisa was coming to his senses, feeling more alert - probably up to the water and the time helping to sober him up some. The more time he spent sitting here, the more he felt stupid. The more he could really feel Kazuya's presence next to him - like the radiated heat you feel when you sit too close to the fire; unmistakeably there almost to the point of hurting.
He'd really missed it. Still did. He missed all the little things as much as the bigger things, he really... missed everything that they'd been. It was like he'd forgotten how to live alone; it was so much more difficult now, despite the fact that he'd pretty much been living alone for a good amount of time before the fact as well. Just knowing that the place didn't belong just to him... that had helped some? But now it was just 'his place'. His and Juliet's. As if she really counted.
Looking down from the view out of the window to look instead at the faintly orange glow on the dashboard, Tomohisa sighed inwardly. He couldn't... how could he do anything about it? It was too late, far too late, after all that he'd said and done how could he still have time? How could they even be... in this position at all..? And yet they were. They were here and nowhere else, because despite everything Kazuya had picked him up off the street. Literally indeed. That really... meant something... didn't it?
His hand, the older one noticed suddenly, his hand was right there. Would it, maybe, be okay to... no, that'd be silly, wouldn't it? Like some kind of stupid story. Life didn't actually work like that. Kazuya wasn't really the embodiment of something he wanted so badly and yet denied himself for fear of getting hurt again - he couldn't really just be taken at any given moment. He was a person. One had to listen to him too, how he felt and what he was feeling. But damn if it wasn't tempting.
So tempting indeed that before he knew what he was doing, Tomohisa had reached out his own hand and just grabbed it. Like that, out of nowhere. Stupid, stupid boy. He wasn't... going to let go though. Just because it was stupid didn't mean he had to regret. The sunrise was beginning to shine in his eyes now too - that was definitely the excuse he'd give himself for biting his lower lip and looking out of the side window at the rest of the beach instead. So stupid; so very, very stupid.
As soon as he had felt Tomohisa's hand grab his own, Kazuya'd froze. Because it wasn't happening, was it? It wasn't happening, it was too good to happen and thus he would realise in a second or two that he was only imagining it. But the seconds passed and Tomohisa kept on holding on to his hand and it... It was scary. It was more scary than it had been to realise that he was alone and had no chance with the older one, because this... by holding hands, Tomohisa said that he suddenly had.
The younger one tried his best in order to take somewhat calming breaths. He had to do this good, he had to do it in a good way or maybe Tomohisa would let go? He had to look at him, he realised. He had to see if he was... looking at him. If... Kazuya slowly, almost afraid to look at the older one, turned his eyes to see if Tomohisa was... well, of course he was sitting there but if he was looking at him or looking down or...
As he found him looking out the other window, somehow that felt as if he confirmed that he... was serious? That he wasn't just joking that he... That it had been difficult. That his pride had said no but he'd still done it and thus he couldn't... look at him now? Maybe Kazuya was looking into it a bit too much but... for now that was okay. Kazuya felt how tears burned in his eyes and, while he normally would have tried to hold them back, right now he didn't find any reason to. It was because he was happy after all. It was such an easy thing to say, that one was happy, but to actually mean it...
A small smile grew on the younger one's lips as he turned his hand a bit and held on tighter to Tomohisa's hand. He wasn't going to let go ever again. Even if things got difficult, even if it would be difficult to deal with every now and then... there was no way he'd actually -let go-.