Hiroki (shakkun) wrote in candypop, @ 2008-01-09 09:52:00 |
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Current mood: | chipper |
Current music: | radio |
4th of January 2008, Ryo and Hiroki
Hiroki took a deep breath as he unlocked the door and entered the apartment. First thing he noticed was that the light in the hallway was on and right after that he saw Ryo's sneakers on the floor and... well, that could only mean one thing. Despite actually wanting to see him, Hiroki closed his eyes and actually considered to turn around and leave again before he realised; where would he go? And how old was he again? This was just... it happened to everyone, at least it should. It was just... another argument, probably not an argument that bad either.
"Tadaima," he thus said in a low voice, going for that simply because he didn't want for Ryo to notice him. He knew, of course that unless Ryo had his iPod on, he already had heard him get home but he didn't want that ever so casual word to be the first thing he said to him. Was he still angry like he had been? Hiroki wasn't - it had happened about 6 or 7 hours ago after all and after hanging out with Kusano he couldn't help but feel a bit better. He had even gone so far to complain about Ryo's 'humour' to the younger one... though all he had said... hadn't been very helpful but he had understood at least! Which was more than Ryo did... or at least it seemed to be that way.
As a matter of fact, right at the moment Ryo was laying on his back on the couch, staring at the ceiling with only the music coming from his headphones to distract him - so he hadn't heard a thing. Was he angry, still? He wasn't sure. He knew that he wasn't entirely -over- it yet, even though it had seemed so small, but rather than being angry he was more... How to describe it? Stung, perhaps.
it kind of hurt to realise that Hiroki genuinely thought he was capable of that. That he'd talk that way and be serious, that he'd really -do- something like that - and what he'd said about Miyuki. He hadn't meant it, not a word of it, but Hiroki had evidently thought otherwise. He really... he really thought that Ryo would just abandon her like that? That little tiny person who was, really, his responsibility and Hiroki thought that...
It wasn't something that was so easy to just ignore, even after these hours. Being alone had probably made it worse - he'd had nobody but himself to talk to about it after all, no unbiased opinions to hear, no way of knowing the other side of things apart from imagining it but even then... Such a pain.
As he walked into the livingroom and immediately spotted Ryo, Hiroki's first reaction was to turn around and leave. Not because he wanted to but because he didn't feel... he didn't feel welcome, he didn't feel as if he had the right to be here right now. When they had talked about it just a few days ago then everything was so perfect but... Though, instead of leaving, Hiroki turned to go to the kitchen - he was going to drink some water, he figured. Not because water would make all his worried go away or anything, far from it - it would help him avoid it. But what else could he do? He didn't know, he had absolutely no idea... This was so annoying. It was... it was his fault too wasn't it? But he couldn't help it or... could he? Or...
Catching movement in the corner of his eye, Ryo followed it - having to sit up to work out what it was. He almost panicked for a moment, just a split second before he realised that there was only one other person who it could possibly be. At this time of day, who else would just walk in and then completely ignore him?
Turning his iPod off, Ryo took his earphones out and began to wrap them around the body of the little mp3 player - slowly, so that he had something to do with himself for as long as possible. It wasn't like he could go and talk to Hiroki after all. He didn't know what to say for a start, and had even less idea whether or not he really wanted to say anything...
Hiroki was careful with to have his back to the livingroom as he drank the water slowly. Yes, slowly - only to buy himself some time. He wanted to... he wanted to talk to Ryo about something. He wanted to... make this whole thing undone because as it was right now, it was silly. It wasn't even serious right? Yes, Ryo was such a goddamn jerk for actually saying things like that and pushing it and then act as if... But it wasn't seriously meant so maybe it was okay?
Eventually Hiroki had managed to empty the glass completely and even though he wanted to, he didn't really feel that he could avoid the older one anymore. He was being silly wasn't he? But it hadn't been fun... Ryo wasn't funny when he said things like that! Hiroki slowly turned around then and headed for the livingroom then, though only to stop in the doorway as he realised that Ryo wasn't... well, laying down anymore. Nor was he listening to music...
"How...," Hiroki started, "how was the concert?" Work? Of course, work always was a safe card to play! ...Only not when both of them knew that there was something wrong, but he couldn't... he couldn't very well just ignore Ryo completely. No matter how annoyed he might be with him, something like that would never be possible.
Work? Hiroki wanted to talk about -work- after all this? Ryo almost felt ridiculous, like he'd stepped into another timeline and was expected to talk about something that would have otherwise been completely stupid. Like swords or whatever, who talks about swords ever? And that was so random, so very random but it hardly mattered right now. Not while he was still pretty damn hurt - though he wasn't about to say so.
"Alright," he replied with a minimum of emotion, looking down at his iPod in his hands just for an excuse not to look at Hiroki. "Wasn't bad."
"That's good...," the younger one replied, no even bothering with trying to hide any emotion that might be audible in his voice right now. This was just... It wasn't good. He wasn't sure of what else to say though - or what to do. The way Ryo acted... so far, how he didn't look at him and how he sounded as if he was talking to a complete stranger... That was enough to make Hiroki realise that no, Ryo wasn't over it yet. But was he angry? Or just sad or... maybe upset? Or... he wasn't sure of what of those that might be accurate and...
"When...," Hiroki continued then - for some reason feeling almost as if he had to be the one talking. He wanted to -talk- to Ryo though. He really, really did but... but what could he say? He didn't want to talk about what they really should talk about, he would probably - most likely - only feel worse if he did, wouldn't he? And that might cause them to actually... argue again and... that, that wasn't good. "When did you get back...?" he asked and looked down, realising that there would be no way he'd be able to actually look Ryo in the eyes if he'd look up.
"Not long ago," Ryo replied, his voice and expression at a flat deadpan just as it had been before. Well he didn't know what to do, how was he just supposed to pretend that everything was normal and peachy and whatever? It -wasn't-. It definitely, definitely wasn't. Not when there were things like that hovering over them, things that still counted whether or not they'd been said hours ago.
Fiddling with one of the earbuds, Ryo moved on the couch so that his knees were at chest level and he only took up one seat rather than all three like he had a moment ago - though this wasn't for the purpose of making more room but so that he could lean against the sofa arm. He hadn't really -meant- to turn away from Hiroki but by now his bodylanguage positively screamed 'leave me alone I am not happy with you right now'.
Of course, thinking just about as little as possible about himself right now, that was exactly the way Hiroki took it. It only made sense though, didn't it? It both looked like, and sounded like Ryo didn't want to be close to Hiroki right now and then what else could he do but help out? He didn't want to, of course not, he wanted to stay here and... and make up with him, to talk about it but even so he didn't...
The best thing would probably be if he would just stay away for a while, wouldn't it? To give Ryo space and... leave him alone.
"I...," the younger one thus started and blinked a couple of times as he felt how tears threatened to make his vision blurry. He didn't need that, not yet anyway. Not now, not -here-. "I'll... stay at Keichan's tonight..." He didn't know that he could though, but normally Koyama didn't mind so hopefully, hopefully tonight wouldn't be different.
Ryo's eyes narrowed slightly - not in an angry way but more like how your eyes get narrow when something hurts. Like, it physically hurts, and it's all you can do to bite your lip and bear it without screaming.
"You really believed me, didn't you?," the older one asked, by this time unsure as to whether or not he was just speaking into the air - he had heard footsteps after all, and hadn't really concentrated on whether or not he'd heard -enough- footsteps that he'd be alone by now. "I was just playing around, but you really thought I'd do that stuff."
As soon as he heard Ryo talk, Hiroki stopped and once he realised he was done - probably waiting for an answer, he just stared at whatever was infront of him. Did he have to talk about that? Of course he did, of course he had to - they should talk about it but even so it was so... it wasn't good, it wasn't something that was fun to talk about and thus it should just be forgotten already but...
"I...," he started then, not quite sure of how he would explain this simply because... because he was pretty sure Ryo wouldn't understand. It wasn't as if he could actually say all these things out loud that he was thinking, could he? "No I didn't... but..." Hiroki took a deep breath as he blinked away the tears that by now were impossible to hold back. This wasn't fair, it wasn't fair at all and... and it just wasn't fair. "But you kept on saying it and... I... I don't know..." It didn't make sense? Yes it did. But Ryo couldn't understand, he wouldn't understand, he... he was confident, he wasn't like Hiroki, he wasn't insecure, he didn't think about these things a lot, he... He was better.
"Don't lie to me," Ryo muttered, there not being so much animosity in the words as just him generally being tired of this. Tired and still stung quite a lot. It wasn't something that he could just let go of, but even if it was he wasn't sure if he'd want to just forget it. This was important after all.
"You wouldn't have got like that if you didn't think I'd do it. You weren't sure if I was serious or not, right? Which means you had it in your head that I might. That there's some kind of chance I'd just forget all about you and Miichan and go chat up some girl on the staff who I've never met before in my life." Shaking his head slightly, with his eyes kept downcast, Ryo tried and failed not to get -too- upset about it. He'd thought he'd calmed down by now but apparently that had just been him pushing it to the back of his mind. He really needed to learn not to do that. "What does that mean?"
Hiroki didn't say anything for a few seconds, but only looked down at the floor. What did it mean? What did it mean that he had thought that maybe, just maybe Ryo had...
"I... I know...," the younger one mumbled as he turned slightly so that he could lean against the wall - though of course not looking up at Ryo. There was no way he could actually look at him when they were like this. He couldn't look at him while -he- was like this, he couldn't... "It seems like I don't... like I don't trust you but I do, it's just..." Just what? Hiroki blinked as he bit down in his bottomlip before closing his eyes hard. He trusted his friends and he trusted Ryo - more than anything he trusted and loved Ryo but even so, was it that difficult to understand that he was a bit insecure? That he had no confidence? If a friend suddenly would say that they didn't want to hang out with him anymore he would be hurt, of course he would, but then he would remember what he had done to that friend and... it would just make sense and would explain why, wouldn't it?
"It's not funny...," he eventually continued as he slowly sank down to the floor - keeping his legs as close to his chest as possible. No, it wasn't funny. Not ever when Ryo said things like that was it funny... Sometimes it was easy to tell he was joking but then other times, like today he just seemed... so serious and... it wasn't funny.
"Yeah, I figured," Ryo muttered darkly, staring at his iPod as though attempting to burn holes in it using only the power of his mind. This conversation had already jumped off the 'useful expense of time' bandwagon and hitched a ride on the fast train to absolutely nowhere, and it was frustrating as all hell.
"But what the hell, Hiro? This wasn't supposed to be a big thing - it was just supposed to be something to do for five minutes and then everything's all cool after but no, it figures that this would be how I find out that you -doubt- me when I haven't even done anything to deserve it."
Of course it went without saying that Ryo would be right; he was always right after all. He was never wrong and always right and of course Hiroki would feel bad. He always felt bad when things like these got out of hand. He always felt bad and... always apologized and who was to say that this was different? No one, because it wasn't. It wasn't different and...
"I'm sorry...," Hiroki thus mumbled, silently wishing that this would make everything okay and have them both forget about it because that would be the best thing for everyone. He had troubled Notti with this too, even if he hadn't told all details. He really should learn not to take things like these to heart, he knew he should but...
"You... you seemed serious..."
"Is that all you can say?," Ryo spat out, much more harshly than he'd intended, and turned around as the words left his lips to make it almost a challenge. This wasn't fair dammit, what had he done to deserve his boyfriend, -his- Hiroki thinking of him so damn lowly?
"Yeah, I know you thought I was serious," the older one continued, by now not sounding angry so much as terribly frustrated and - yeah, hurt. A lot. "What I want to know is -why- you thought that. How it got to be possible when I've never, I'd never... I don't -get- it!"
As Ryo told him that, it felt almost as if Ryo hit him with something right in his face. Maybe, in a way he was? Hiroki didn't know, didn't know anything else but that it hurt. To get told that Ryo thought that Hiroki thought that... it hurt. He didn't really think that of him did he? Did he honestly think that Ryo would leave him and Miyuki just like that for some girl he didn't even know? No he didn't, he definitely didn't. Not now that he had time to think about it, not now that he had had time to calm down and actually realise that it sounded completely... it was stupid. Just to think... just to think that he and Ryo wouldn't be together, that along sounded really, really absurd. It was completely ridiculous.
"I...," Hiroki mumbled as he nursed his lip between his teeth and wrapped his arms around his legs in an attempt to get some kind of comfort. It didn't work at all - it was just his legs. It didn't really... help. "I didn't think..."
An idea seemed to come to Ryo then, and he stood up, running his fingers through his hair agitatedly. It couldn't be possible, it didn't -sound- possible even in his head but there was still... there was still the chance. And on top of that, it made more sense than anything he'd thought so far.
"They say that people get more paranoid when they've done something wrong, or they're thinking something they don't want anyone to find out, right?," he thought aloud. "This doesn't make any sense, it doesn't make any damn sense but - are you saying this stuff because that's what you're thinking?" Beginning to pace the room, Ryo shook his head as though to drive away these thoughts, but to no avail. "Having second thoughts about Miyuki or something, or just getting tired of me or..." He turned around, panic by now showing not only on his face but in his entire manner. "What is it, Hiroki? If you don't want this anymore then for god's sake at least -tell- me so!"
Hiroki blinked, blinked quite a lot as he heard that before finally looking up and... and just stared at Ryo. Did he really believe that? Did he -honestly- think that... that...
"No...," he said then, this coming out much less angry and upset than it might have would he not be this down already. He wouldn't ever leave Ryo, didn't he know that? He didn't -want- to leave Ryo, he wanted to be with Ryo for all eternity and if it was possible he'd want to be with him forever and always and... all that. It wasn't as if Hiroki -wasn't- the one who gladly would be with Ryo 24/7 if that was possible. He knew that lovers needed time away from each other, he knew that and thus he also knew that there was no way he and Ryo would be able to actually -be- together all the time, but...
"No, it's not... like that...," Hiroki continued as he turned his head away and looked at his knees again. "Promise... it's not like that..."
"Then what -is- it?," Ryo countered, beginning to move without thinking about it once again, wandering aimlessly about the room with the air of a man convinced he'd go absolutely insane if he didn't do -something-. This didn't make sense after all, and not even in a way that he could ignore, not even a way that blended seamlessly with the other things in the world that didn't make sense - this was something he was supposed to be able to understand.
"If it's not that then it's got to be something, this stuff doesn't just come out of nowhere, you can't just -not- think about that. It matters!"
"I...," the younger one started then and took a deep breath. He could understand that Ryo wanted to know, he could very well understand that he was frustrated because he didn't understand - Hiroki was the same. He was... exactly the same - when he didn't understand Ryo, he got frustrated so much so that he cried a lot of times and then when he -did- understand then it was all so stupid... Like that one time he had broken up with him -for- Hiroki's sake? He understood and all but it was... it was so stupid...
"At... at the time it... it's totally possible some girl would be better than me and that... that you'd like... like her and...," now that he said it out loud, Hiroki realised how ridiculous it sounded - it was completely... completely ridiculous. Ryo wouldn't do something like that, he wouldn't ever do something like that... But even so it had sounded so... so possible and... and...
"What?," Ryo asked, his tone showing clearly that he hardly wanted to believe it possible that Hiroki would ever think something like that. There was no... there was just absolutely no reason for it! Things like that just don't come right out of nowhere, right? ... Right?!
"There's no way, no way in hell that anyone could ever... how can you think that?!" Forcing himself to sit down again, Ryo took a deep breath to steady himself. "You can't be with someone if you don't trust them," he muttered, his voice sounding oddly quiet after the frantic outbursts of moments ago. "And all I can see is you not trusting me."
"I trust you...," Hiroki immediately answered, though didn't sound as secure of himself as he wanted to. He wanted to sound confident and convincing because... because when it came to this, then he definitely was. He trusted Ryo - he'd trust Ryo with his life if he had to. He trusted Ryo more than anyone but... Why couldn't he explain? Why couldn't he say something so that Ryo would understand?
"I... But I don't deserve you, you know... and... and when you say that it... like you've realised it and you say that and...," the younger one sobbed and closed his eyes as he leaned forward to let his forehead rest against his knees. "It's not funny..."
For several long moments, Ryo said nothing - just sat there, on the couch, staring into nowhere. This didn't make any sense and it hurt like hell and it was -stupid-, so goddamn stupid like he couldn't even believe that even after all this time they were having to have this conversation.
"This is so damn stupid," he commented, almost as though he were finally conceding defeat. But it wasn't really a defeat. He still didn't know what to think - just that he didn't want to think any of it anymore. Surely that wasn't too much to ask? "I'm not doing this anymore."
Of course not being able to tell what Ryo said, Hiroki's eyes widened and he looked up at the older one. He couldn't mean that, could he? He couldn't seriously mean that... that Hiroki just now had been so goddamn stupid and ruined their relationship, could he? Of course, it shouldn't be so surprising, especially not considering he had just now understood if Ryo would get tired of him or... at least that was what he had thought... but now Ryo said...
"Wh-what...?," he thus let out after a short while, the shock probably audible in his voice - he didn't know. This just... Ryo didn't mean that, did he? He didn't... he couldn't mean that, could he? He...
"Forget it," the older one continued, getting up from the couch almost as if he planned on simply walking away from this and treating the entire thing as solved. But Ryo was not a thirteen year old girl and thus thought he was just a little bit above storming out.
Without any warning whatsoever, he went right over to Hiroki and sat next to him - only just keeping himself from actually leaning on the taller one. "I don't wanna have to think about this anymore, I'm tired of it. Let's do something other than talking about this stupid stuff?"
Hiroki was sure of that his heart had stopped for a while - at least it felt like it. It wasn't until when he noticed that Ryo was to sit down -next to- him that it started beating again and he... he felt relieved. Ridiculously much so and once again he realised that no, no he didn't deserve this.
"I'm sorry...," he whispered, keeping his voice low now that Ryo was so close by. It felt good... it felt good to feel him sit here, right next to him and to - just to feel his presence felt so, so very good. "Really..."
"I know," Ryo replied easily. If he was honest, no, he didn't know - but for the time being he was willing just to put it behind him. Chalk it up to a misunderstanding or something, who said that it had to mean anything anyway? Just because it sounded like it did...
Without thinking about it Ryo grabbed one of Hiroki's hands - the younger one didn't seem to be doing anything important with it right now anyway - and interlocked their fingers just because. Because they hadn't done that in a while, because he just wanted to, he didn't think it really needed a reason. "We've gotta stop letting this happen to us y'know."
Without even thinking twice about it, Hiroki held on tightly to Ryo's hand. This was... this was definitely more than he deserved. It definitely was, but, but if he was going to trust Ryo, which he had said many times now that he did, then he shouldn't question it. He shouldn't question it and just accept this because this was what Ryo wanted to give him... Wasn't it?
The next question that came up in Hiroki's head was one that... had an obvious answer, he knew it did but even so he wanted to hear Ryo answer - if it was so obvious, if it was as obvious as Hiroki thought it was then it wouldn't be difficult would it?
"... do you love me?," he thus asked lowly, looking down at their hands. Now that he had said it it was a bit embarrassing, to actually ask something like that out loud... but hopefully Ryo wouldn't mind. He wouldn't, would he?
Smiling widely, Ryo decided that there was no reason why he shouldn't and thus leaned to the side a bit; resting some of his weight against Hiroki. Much more comfy this way.
"Don't be stupid," he replied simply, enjoying how it felt just to sit like this and speak like they'd be together forever. And who said they wouldn't? Just because it didn't happen a lot nowadays didn't mean it never happened ever, and if there were any couples left with a chance then Ryo would definitely count the two of them up there. "Of course I do."
Maybe it was a weird thing to like, but when he felt how Ryo rested against him like this... Hiroki definitely liked that. He liked this, he definitely... definitely liked this. It felt good, it felt as if Ryo relied on him - which he pretty much did, physically, right now but aside from that - as if... Maybe he was looking a bit too much into it, but it felt as if Ryo really relied on him, like he wouldn't do without having someone to rest on like this and that he chose Hiroki to be the one who... he decided would be good for it.
"Tell me..?," he continued then, now closing his eyes to lean his head slightly to the side so it rested against Ryo's. "More often... ne..."
How exactly was it that they'd ended up like this? Sitting on the floor together, leaning against one another and talking about things as though everything in the world was absolutely perfect and there was no reason to ever be worrying about anything ever again... Ryo wasn't sure how these things happened, but he was sure of the fact that he didn't mind them happening. No, they could happen all they liked.
"I'll try to remember to," he replied contentedly. "But sometimes you might have to remind me."
Despite being taller, slightly bigger and all that... even though it probably didn't show anymore that Hiroki was younger it was in times like these that he definitely felt it. He felt as if he was smaller than Ryo and - except for physically - that was true. He didn't really know exactly how or what it was that made him feel like that though but he didn't mind. When holding on to Ryo's hand like this he realised that it didn't matter much though, even though Hiroki really wasn't afraid of anything (right now at least) he knew that if there suddenly would be something scary happening, like an earthquake or something, then Ryo would be the one protecting him and not the other way around. Of course Hiroki would try to, but... Ryo was just like that, he wouldn't let Hiroki protect him like that since that was his 'job'... or whatever he said.
"Mm...," the younger one hummed. Ryo's way of thinking was right though, sure Hiroki knew he'd be able to protect Ryo if he'd allow it, but he wouldn't. Probably it was because of that instinct to protect your loved ones or something. Hiroki felt it too of course, quite a lot actually, but he also knew that one way to protect Ryo was to just be there for him... or at least that's what it felt like and so far everything had gone really well. "I love you..." Aside from those three words... he didn't make much sense right now, did he? It didn't matter much though, Ryo'd understand anyway.
"Mmhm," Ryo mumbled, just looking at their joined hands as though he couldn't quite believe that he'd been as lucky as to get -exactly- what he wanted - not only that but it had been and continued to be everything he'd expected and hoped that it would be. Good things could be like that sometimes, looking nice from the outside only to turn out to have such bad attributes once they were attained...
"Love you too, stupid."