Kazuya (kazuya) wrote in candypop, @ 2008-04-18 07:04:00 |
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Current mood: | crushed |
17th of April 2008, Jin and Kazuya
"Jin...," Kazuya asked in a low voice as Koki finally had left the dressing room. He didn't want to do this, he didn't -want- to ask but for some reason it felt as if he had to. As if he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if he didn't. That wasn't true though, Kazuya knew very well that he'd be able to sleep just fine once the show was over, but he'd wake up with this awful feeling about not knowing anything and... it bothered him. Probably more than it should.
Jin, who just had been on his way out through the door, stopped and turned to look at his friend. As he noticed the, almost pained expression on his face, Jin tipped his head to the side slightly and walked up to him.
"Yes?," he asked, not understanding anything right now. Just a minute ago everything had seemed to be perfectly fine; when Koki had been here they'd joked around and now Kazuya looked almost pathetic?
"What's wrong?"
The shorter one looked down at that question. There was nothing wrong, or at least there shouldn't be. He was with Hironori and that was okay. Tomohisa had gotten himself a girlfriend and he was probably happy with her too. Which probably should be enough for Kazuya not to ask what he was about to, but... he had to know. He sort of felt as if he -had- to know.
Hesitantly looking up at the older one again, Kazuya forced a smile.
"How's Pi doing?"
Out of all questions Kazuya could have asked, that one was the one Jin hadn't expected at all. Of course it went without saying that friends cared for each other and such but... for some reason, the expression on Kazuya's face made Jin think it was a bit more than just 'caring for a friend' in this case. He wouldn't look so sad if he was asking about Ryo or anyone else.
"Um," the taller one started and blinked slightly. Tomohisa drank quite a lot lately, but it wasn't anywhere near how much Tackey drank so it was okay? He was doing good, wasn't he? Before he had started dating Hoshino Aki he had, honestly, seemed a bit down but now things were... fine? Though maybe he shouldn't tell Kazuya that.
"He's doing fine," Jin thus answered and shrugged. "Why?"
Fine... for some reason, hearing that Tomohisa did just 'fine', hurt. Kazuya didn't want for Tomohisa to be depressed of course, that went without saying. He didn't want for him to be down either, he wanted for him to be fine but to get told that he actually was doing fine... That meant he was doing just fine without him, didn't it? That he didn't really -need- Kazuya or anything... But of course. He probably didn't need him, they had had their fun, he had had Tomohisa at one point and then been stupid enough to let go. He couldn't just expect to get him back because he felt like it.
"No," he answered and shook his head. "Just wondering..."
Even though Jin wanted to, he couldn't just turn around and leave now. Honestly he didn't care all too much about what happened with his friends' lovelife and so on - it wasn't his business and thus he didn't really care. But even so he really couldn't help but be curious. Be curious about what had happened to make Kazuya like this. Curious about if he wanted Tomohisa back or not and if he did, would Tomohisa agree to it? He liked Aki though, didn't he?
"Yeah sure~," Jin sing-songed then and grinned slightly as he shook his head. "You miss him, right?" As soon as that question had left his lips, Jin mentally kicked himself. He hadn't meant to ask that, he hadn't meant to actually go ahead and tell Kazuya what he thought because it -wasn't- his business. Stupid, stupid...
Kazuya's eyes widened slightly at that and for a few seconds he only stared at his friend. What was that- why did he say that!? Okay so Jin was known for saying some things even though they shouldn't be said, but did he really have to have one of those moments -now-?
"Wha...," the younger one started and shook his head. He didn't miss Tomohisa, he just... "Not really," he continued and then walked up to the table to grab the hairbrush. He didn't really need to do his hair or anything but just to be doing -something-...
Now Jin could either let it slip like this and say sorry for asking or he could continue to bug Kazuya about it. Of course the smartest thing would be to let it go, to just say 'okay' and leave but... This was something he hated about being in this group. He loved all the guys, of course he did, they were friends and all but Kazuya had always been a bit special. They had gotten along well from the day they met, they had always been something of best friends, but not the kind of friends that he and Tomohisa were, with Kazuya it was more... Special. He made Jin feel a bit like an older brother, it was as if Kazuya was his younger brother with whom he didn't fight every second minute (like he did with Reio) but... even that was a bit off. It was just... They had been through quite a lot. They had fought a lot and had periods when they didn't speak at all. They didn't really hang out much but...
"Stupid," Jin mumbled as he shook his head and walked up to the younger one. He probably would kick himself for being cheesy like this later, but right now it felt like the right thing to do. When Kazuya had lied like that it had gotten more obvious that he really... missed him. It was actually kinda cute.
Of course it went without notice that Kazuya took notice in the tone in Jin's voice when he said that. He didn't say it in an attempt to insult him, he didn't say it because he wanted to be mean or something, he... Kazuya glanced up at Jin as he got closer but then looked down at the item in his hand again. He didn't -miss- Tomohisa though. He felt much better like this. He didn't get that exciting feeling in his stomach when he thought of Tomohisa. He didn't love Tomohisa anymore, he... As he felt tears burn in his eyes, Kazuya threw the hairbrush in the couch and turned to walk up to the stand with clothes to look for his jacket. He had to take on his jacket, they had to be on the set soon...
"He has a girlfriend huh?," he asked suddenly, surprising himself slightly with sounding so convinced. He had absolutely nothing to back this up, he didn't know for sure, he hadn't read Tomohisa's journal for ages. He didn't -know- but even so he felt almost as if... Of course Tomohisa had someone. This was Yamashita Tomohisa after all, of course it wouldn't be hard for him to find someone.
"Uh...," Jin started then, surprised by how it seemed like Kazuya knew. Had Tomohisa told him? No, why would he have... Or maybe Kazuya just had heard from someone else or had seen them... Either way Jin would look stupid now if he denied it.
"Yeah...," he thus answered, even though he was a bit hesitant about it. Imagine if he and Yui would break up... he wouldn't want to know if she was with someone else if so. He would prefer to be as far away from her as possible and not hear from her or about her in a really long while... because he loved her that much. And while Kazuya and Tomohisa hadn't talked about marriage and kids... it wasn't as if they -could- talk about things like that. They had gotten engaged and moved in together though and that... was about a serious as two guys could be, no?
As he got it confirmed, Kazuya closed his eyes and a few tears fell down on his cheeks. He hated this, being so ridiculously weak and emotional. In front of Jin, too... It didn't matter all that much perhaps, what Jin thought of him wouldn't change because of this but even so it was embarrassing. That he would let someone see him like this. Crying without actually having a -reason- to. It... it was...
He didn't even want Tomohisa back. He didn't want to get home to that apartment, to see him there, to hang out with him. Didn't want to do things with him, he didn't miss the random poking in the morning even though he could sleep in. He didn't miss getting whined at for not eating. Didn't miss the mails about what food Tomohisa had had today and he didn't miss reading the question 'what did you have?' and having to come up with a good way to excuse himself for not having had anything. He didn't miss any of that, he really, really didn't. Things were better this way, Tomohisa was happier this way. It was...
Jin nursed his lip between his teeth as he looked at the younger one's back. He should have seen this coming perhaps, maybe it had been obvious and he just hadn't seen it? He had absolutely no idea of what to do now though, he didn't really... He couldn't just pat Kazuya's shoulder because that would make it seem as if he thought everything would be alright - would it be? Who knew. Tomohisa seemed pretty happy with Aki after all... maybe they'd be together for a while... Maybe he simply didn't have any feelings for Kazuya anymore. That kind of thing actually did happen... So there was no way Jin could say that things would be alright. Kazuya would probably get over it, of course he would but until he -did-...
"I... 'll go out there now," the older one mumbled then, figuring he should give Kazuya some time alone before they had to get out there. He felt sort of like an asshole now, was that weird? He hadn't really -done- anything but even so... He felt like a complete asshole. That wasn't very cool.