Kazuya (kazuya) wrote in candypop, @ 2008-08-17 03:42:00 |
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Current mood: | crushed |
16th of August, Jin, Tomohisa and Kazuya
Even Kazuya knew that it was against all morals and ethics, that he would smoke right before getting home but if he was lucky, if things went his way right now Tomohisa was at home and to be able to deal with him being upset, Kazuya had to stay calm. He had to be calm, to be able to talk about things. If he wouldn't be, then he surely would just storm off or maybe even become violent. After all, he actually needed this right now as well, if he wouldn't do it then he most likely would lose his temper much quicker.
It took about five minutes to finish the cigarette and hurry up the stairs, and once he had unlocked and closed the door behind him, he would have guessed that maybe four minutes and forty seconds had passed. Maybe forty-seven.
"Hello?," Kazuya asked out loud once his shoes were off. Juliet greeted him like she always did but right now she wasn't important. Importat was to talk to Tomohisa and make him realise that it's not a bad thing, it's not a big deal or anything. After all, it made him feel good - how could it be bad?
"Tomohisa," he continued as he stepped into his slippers and a bit hesitantly headed for the living room. If he was home, Tomohisa would surely be there. "You home?"
As Tomohisa heard the door open and then close, he straightened up from having been sitting on the couch with his head leaning on his knees, and brushed his hand through his hair once. He didn't greet the younger one even once, he wasn't the one who wanted to be here right now after all, and Kazuya would be able to tell that he was home anyway once he got to the living room.
Sitting on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest, Tomohisa just stared at what was in front of him. Kazuya would better start explaining things to him soon, the careless attitude he had showed earlier wasn't a good sign, and the fact that he didn't even mention stopping was even more worrying.
Once he reached the door way and laid eyes on Tomohisa sitting there, Kazuya froze. It actually almost felt as if he was freezing, only that wasn't really possible considering how the window was closed. For a few seconds, Kazuya wasn't quite sure of what to do. Honestly he wanted to turn around and leave but that was cowardly and while he didn't mind being a coward sometimes it just went against everything that was -him- to run away from something like this. And Tomohisa had to come to understand, too.
"You... are home..." was all the younger one managed to say then, not thinking much of just how lame it was. But at least he said something, that was more than Tomohisa had done so far!
Turning his head to look at Kazuya, Tomohisa sighed as he realized this wasn't going to be as easy as he hoped it would.
"So it seems." He said, hating how protective he felt over Kazuya, who right in that moment happened to look rather small and vulnerable, making it hard for Tomohisa to refuse the urge to go and close him in an embrace. As he remembered why they were here though, he instantly turned back to face his front, turning his back to Kazuya.
"Start talking then..."
Feeling a bit relieved, Kazuya managed to smile slightly. This was good, he realised, this was very good as it meant that Tomohisa was willing to hear an explanation and once he would have heard it, he would understand.
"Mm...," Kazuya hummed as he walked up to the couch, not walking around it but only stopping behind it so he was standing somewhat close to the older one.
"You know...," he started then and looked at the turned off TV, in which he saw Tomohisa's reflection. He looked so upset, so angry but at the same time he almost looked a bit sad. Which was understandable, it was understandable but once he would understand he wouldn't look like that anymore! Definitely not.
Suddenly very motivated to make Tomohisa understand, Kazuya hurried to walk around the couch and sit down in the armchair that was standing fairly close to it.
"You know, it's not that bad," he said, "it's not like it's super-bad or something. It's nothing serious, and I... I need this." Taking a small break, Kazuya looked at Tomohisa with pleading eyes, he had to understand. He had to understand how necessary this was, he had to understand and approve of it. What he had said earlier about leaving... On a normal day Kazuya wouldn't believe it, but things weren't normal now, it actually scared him. Tomohisa couldn't leave.
"I...," Kazuya looked down at the floor as he looked for the right words to say. Why was it that he could talk so easily at work but when he was at home words were so difficult to find? "I can't do everything without it, Tomo... It helps me relax and calm down, it...," hesitantly looking up at Tomohisa again, Kazuya nursed his lower lip between his teeth. "You... understand, right?"
Tomohisa just stared at the carpet in front of the couch, not understanding at all. While it wasn't super-bad from Kazuya's point of view, Tomohisa definitely did think of it as a super-bad thing, and so would the press, and the fans, and Johnny, and everyone else, didn't Kazuya see that? That if something would happen then everything would be over... it... it would be as if the earth would've stopped turning... if something happened to Kazuya, it gave him chills to even think about it, how he would feel if he'd loose the other one, everything would stop, he was sure of it.
Standing up quickly, Tomohisa took few steps away from the couch, again turning his back to Kazuya, he was feeling so weak, but to break down on a moment like this was out of question. He didn't want to be there... And what was Kazuya talking about? Hadn't he been able to relax just fine before this? Shaking his head, Tomohisa didn't turn to look at the other one as he spoke.
"...Since when..?" He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer to that question though, for how long had this been going on? Right before his eyes, why hadn't he noticed before..?
That made sense, of course it did. Of course Tomohisa would ask that, of course he would want to know. They were a couple and it was Kazuya's bad that he hadn't told. That was surely also why Tomohisa was standing up and not looking at him now. If Tomohisa would have done that, done something pretty big - it did affect their economy after all - and not told Kazuya about it, he would have been angry too. Remember the an-an thing? Exactly so it made sense!
"I...," Kazuya stood up and looked at his boyfriend's back. Soon he'd be able to hug him, wouldn't he? "I don't know... I haven't really... A... while?," he took a small step closer, almost as if he was about to go up and hug Tomohisa, but figured that maybe it was too early for that. Himself he'd needed a few hours after all, and this was bigger.
"Look, I'm... I'm sorry for not telling..."
Turning back to face the other one then, Tomohisa didn't know what to say or do. A while? A week? Month? Half a year? In the end did it even matter how long he had been using? The problem here was that he was using... And for Tomohisa's disappointment, he didn't even sound like he was planning to stop. Sighing a little, he tried to look the other one in the eyes.
"Kazu... Do you realize what you're doing at all?"
Just the fact that Tomohisa turned to look at him made Kazuya smile widely. This was a great thing after all, wasn't it? At least he was looking at him and even though it wasn't with thrilled eyes, it was far better than nothing. This was just so much like him, too. He was older, so much more mature, so awesome and so gentle and mature. He was...
"I...," Kazuya tried then but didn't manage to come up with an answer. What was he doing? He was feeling good! He was helping himself to feel good, even if he wasn't using the things one normally would use - did it matter? In the long run he was making himself feel good!
"I'm..." But for some reason he couldn't say it, he wanted to. He wanted to -tell- Tomohisa that it was a good thing and that it made him feel good but for some reason unknown the words just wouldn't come over his lips. Not now that the older one was looking at him.
Really wanting to just walk up to the other one and shake some sense into him, Tomohisa let out another sigh before turning to walk in the direction of the hall. He wasn't a violent person at all, but right then, he really felt that if Kazuya would get any closer to him, if they'd start arguing more, then he just migh have to slap him, that's how much the carelessness of the younger guy irritated him.
It occured to Tomohisa then, as he was putting on his shoes, that maybe he should ask Kazuya something, even though asking all these questions without really getting an answer was rather annoying, he was pretty sure this one was easy. Walking back to the doorway to their livingroom, Tomohisa looked at Kazuya, hoping he'd get a 'No' as the answer.
"...Are you high..?"
Kazuya knew that it was serious, that the situation was serious and that there really was nothing to laugh about, but as he got the question - the question that was actually pretty forbidden and he knew so - he couldn't help but let out a small giggle. Immediately realising that was the wrong thign to do though, he put a hand over his mouth and shook his head.
"N-no," he answered and shook his head once more. He wasn't high, because that was the same as asking if he wasn't serious, and he was serious! He was very serious, just like Tomohisa was and he was leaving? Why was he- "Are you leaving?"
As he didn't really need an answer, Kazuya quickly stepped around the couch and hurried up to the taller one. "You're not- why are you leaving?"
Looking away as Kazuya came to him, Tomohisa closed his eyes for a while before answering, he really, really just wanted to get going already.
"I really can't take this right now..." He said, wanting to hurry out, but deciding to stay for a moment, in case Kazuya had anything more to say. Hoping he would say that it was awful to smoke that stuff, that he wanted to quit but couldn't do it alone, anything, anything but that he needed it and that it was okay, because it wasn't!
That sounded almost as if Tomohisa was about to leave, no, it did sound like he was about to leave. Why would he do that? Why would he leave when his home was here, with him! With Kazuya and Juliet, Tomohisa belonged here and he couldn't say that he 'couldn't take this' because there was nothing different to actually 'take'. There was...
Suddenly finding himself at the verge of tears, Kazuya shook his head and took a step closer to the older one and grabbed some of his t-shirt almost as if that was going to stop the older one from leaving.
"Ne Tomo...," he mumbled, feeling about as tiny as a small, small chihuahua next to that big Chinese (or maybe he was Korean?) boxer... or whatever he was. Tiny anyway. But that was because... because Tomohisa couldn't leave, he couldn't leave now, he couldn't leave him alone...
"What?" Was all Tomohisa said as he watched Kazuya, the other guy looked so small, yet it annoyed him endlessly that he didn't seem to realize what was wrong, that he was the one causing this all?
No matter what Kazuya was going to say though, he wouldn't stay, not this time. Probably he would just go home, maybe call Yuu and ask him to come as well, but he wasn't going to stay here, not when Kazuya probably had smoked even though he said he hadn't.
Firmly removing Kazuya's hand from his shirt, Tomohisa stared at the ground while waiting for the other one to say something.
This almost felt as if he was getting dumped. How Tomohisa wouldn't hold him, how he was barely looking at him, how he was talking to him in such a strict voice, how he was... he wasn't being the normal Tomohisa. He wasn't being the way things were supposed to be. He wasn't...
"Are...," Kazuya started then as he lowered his head and tried his hardest not to cry. He didn't want to cry, it wasn't manly to cry and Kazuya was very manly. He had a manly personality, so many people had told him. His morals were apparently manly too, his way of thinking of duties et cetera too, but even so he was here crying. Maybe that was it, maybe Tomohisa wanted someone manly and then he got this and it wasn't good enough, maybe that was the reason for why he was going to leave now? Maybe... maybe that was the reason for why he would break up with him, because that was what was happening wasn't it?
"Are you... i-is... this... is it?"
Surprised at how Kazuya reacted, Tomohisa let out a sigh. Of course this wasn't it? Why did Kazuya think that? He couldn't possibly just leave him, not when Kazuya would definitely need him once he'd stop smoking that shit, and of course Tomohisa would be there for him, he loved the other guy after all. But as long as Kazuya refused to realize what he was doing and that he needed to stop, Tomohisa wouldn't be there, it wasn't right to just sit back and watch his boyfriend ruin everything.
"I told you earlier that either you stop using or I'm leaving, Kazuya" He said and watched the younger guy before continuing, figuring it'd be only fair to tell him where he was going.
"... I'm going to visit home..." And with that he went to put on his jacket.
"But...," Kazuya mumbled, looking up through the tears at Tomohisa's back. He couldn't leave now, he couldn't just go... Sure he said he was just going to visit home, that meant that he was going to stay with his mom but who knew for how long? Hadn't they been apart too many times already, hadn't they had their tough times already? Surely they couldn't... get this again, they were so perfect! They were supposed to be so perfect, they couldn't just...
Without thinking much of what he was doing, Kazuya hurried up to Tomohisa and wrapped his arms around his waist. He couldn't go now, he couldn't do without Tomohisa right now, he couldn't be left alone, who knew what was going to happen then? What if...
"Don't go..."
Letting out a heavy sigh as he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, Tomohisa brushed a hand throught his hair, why was he making things so hard?
"Then stop smoking that stuff." He ended up saying after a while, knowing he was being harsh, but what else could he do? The fact that there probably were drugs in their apartment right now didn't really sound pleasing to him, if anything, it made him annoyed and angry... it made him feel dirty.
Suddenly in need of fresh air, Tomohisa pushed off the pair of arms wrapped around his waist, and made his way out, praying to whoever was listening that Kazuya wouldn't do anything stupid.
As the door closed and Kazuya came to realise that Tomohisa actually had gone, had left, he fell down to his knees and just stared at the white before him. It looked evil, the door was evil, it was because of the damn door that Tomohisa had left. Had there been no door he wouldn't have walked through it after all.
Tears soon started to run down his cheeks and before he knew what he was doing, Kazuya had tightened his fist and hit it repeatedly against the floor. What was he going to do now? How was he going to do anything if Tomohisa wasn't with him, if he was... if he was being somewhere else, maybe with someone else. Maybe he wouldn't ever come back. Maybe Juliet didn't mean anything anymore. What the hell was he supposed to do?
Slamming the door close as Tomohisa exited his car, the young man hurried to the familiar door that led into his anothet home. Once inside, Tomohisa kicked off his shoes and walked into the apartment, sitting down on the livingroom couch and burying his head in his hands. Tomohisa let out a shaky breath, his eyes stung and the headache he had gotten while driving here didn't help either, why did things like these happen? Why did people go around offering drugs to their friends? Why didn't Kazuya see it was bad? He didn't get it at all, and it was frustrating.
Worry and guilt crept on him as he remembered how small Kazuya had looked when he had told him that he'd leave, and Tomohisa swallowed before letting out a sob. He didn't want to cry over this, it was Kazuya's fault for being stupid like that, yet Tomohisa couldn't help but to feel horrible about it, it was probably because he hadn't been there that Kazuya had went to seek for other things to confort him, it was probably because Tomohisa had been ignorant that he hadn't realized it earlier that things weren't quite right... If something would happen now, it would definitely be his fault... he shouldn't have left Kazuya alone, not when he was in such condition... Letting out another desperate sob, Tomohisa couldn't even bother with trying to whipe off the tears that kept running down his cheeks.
Naomi, who had been in the kitchen when Tomohisa'd gotten back, wasn't slow with following her son and as she stood in the doorway to the livingroom and saw what condition he was in, she was sitting by his side within seconds.
"What happened?," she asked softly, rubbing Tomohisa's back carefully.
Feeling even weaker than before, but at the same time comforted by the familiarity, Tomohisa leaned into his mother's embrace, resting his head on her lap like he used to do years back.
"I can't take this anymore..." He whispered inbetween his sobs after a while, not really knowing if he should tell what had happened or not, the topic was rahter risky after all.
"This is too much..." He weakly continued, what was he supposed to do? If Kazuya refused to realize that he should stop, what was there to do?
Not at all following, and thus not quite sure of what to say, Naomi set with just stroking Tomohisa's hair for a while. This wasn't like him, normally when something was bothering him she would notice and ask about it but always he told her not to bother, because it wasn't a big deal even though it was big enough to bother him.
For half a minute, she kept herself from saying anything but only looked down at him; no matter how old he'd get, how much of a star he'd become, whenever he got home she always was reminded of the little boy he really was. He'd always be her son after all, her small Tomohisa.
"What's wrong..?," she tried again then, not even once stopping what she did, but only continued to pull her fingers through his hair.
Biting his lip in order to keep back a sob, Tomohisa swallowed hard, he didn't want to tell his mother about what had happened, that Kazuya was doing such things, he didn't want to risk the way she saw Kazuya, what if she wouldn't accept him anymore once she found out?
"It..." He started. "...It will be okay... right?" Tomohisa said, a sob or two escaping him every now and then,
"I'll be able to fix it right? ...Right?" He shut his eyes tightly, and held his breath in in order not to break down again, before continuing. "I'll be able to make him realize it's wrong, won't I?"
Still not following, Naomi nodded in reply. She could only guess it was about Kazuya now, unless something had happened to one of Tomohisa's friends. But Yuu was doing just fine and so was Jin - at least yesterday he was - and while she knew that it was possible for Ryo and Toma to maybe make Tomohisa feel like this... It was just something about him right now that made it look and seem like this had to do with his boyfriend and not just a friend.
"Should I call someone over?," she asked gently, not minding at all if he didn't want to talk to her about this. After all, she was his mother - sons didn't usually talk to their mom about everything.
Rubbing his eyes as he sat up, Tomohisa shook his head, who could he possibly talk to about this?
"It's... it's fine..." He mumbled, quickly apologizing for his behavior. A minute or two passed in silence, until he let out a shigh, rubbing his forehead as he wondered what was the smartest thing to do. Though he really wanted to go and check over Kazuya, he had decided not to until the younger one would give up drugs, so that was out of guestion, physically he felt like sleeping, but in the end Tomohisa leaned back against the couch and hoped he was doing the right thing here,
"...Jin.. if you don't mind..." He said, closing his eyes as he asked his mother to make the call.
It took a bit longer than it normally would have, considering Jin hadn't been home but at a store with Yui, looking for furniture et cetera, but as soon as he had gotten the call he'd promised he'd come and after having finished looking around and decided on some things, he had dropped Yui off as her house and then headed to the Yamashita household.
About an hour and a half later, Jin knocked on the door to Tomohisa's room and entered, not waiting for a reply since he was both pretty used to this house and because the younger one might be sleeping. As he found him sitting on the edge of his bed, Jin quickly closed the door and as Tomohisa looked up, he lifted his hand in a greeting.
"You called~"
Not knowing how to tell about this at all, but feeling like he had to let someone know, someone else that was close to both of them, someone who could help him, Tomohisa nodded at Jin before saying the first thing he had in his mind,
"Kazuya's using drugs." He blurted out without really thinking what he was saying, desperation filling him and all he could do was lean to bury his head in his hands.
"He's smoking something..." He continued, angrily massaging his temples, the headache making everything seem ten times worse, if it was possible for things to get worse than this.
For a logn few seconds Jin just blinked at his friend, trying to make sense out of what he just had said. Sure, he had noticed that Kazuya had been acting a bit strangely at times, but no one was completely normal during tours, especially not if you were tired and that had been all, he'd thought. That Kazuya had been tired...
"You...," Jin frowned as he walked closer and sat down next to Tomohisa on the bed. "You sure?"
Letting out a sigh, Tomohisa nodded once.
"He admitted it..." He silently said, before turning to look at Jin, desparately searching for an answer, for a solution to this mess he suddenly found himself in.
"He doesn't understand how dangerous it is..." He blinked away the tears from his eyes before continuing.
"...He says he needs it to relax... and that I have to understand... ...I told him to stop or I'd leave..." Tomohisa turned back to stare at what ever was front of him as he let the scene from before repeat in his head.
Even though Tomohisa was very manly sometimes, very guyish and he definitely looked like a guy these days, sometimes (like now) Jin just couldn't help but feel as if he was his little sister. Sitting here, crying over his asshole boyfriend and wanting comfort. It was a girly thing to do after all, and he had done it himself - only then he'd cried over girls. But somehow, when Tomohisa did it it became so much more girly.
Putting an arm around his friend's shoulders, Jin nodded slightly.
"If... he's doing that, maybe he was on something when you spoke to him and thus didn't fully understand what you meant?"
Getting annoyed as Jin didn't sound upset at all, Tomohisa took a deep breath before speaking, the tone of his voice giving out how tired and frustrated he was,
"I don't care weither he fucking understands or not, what the fuck do I do if something happens?" Though, of course he did care weither Kazuya understood, he probably did, one could tell that by the way he had reacter when he had been leaving, that at least that part seemed to have made sense to him.
"You want me to go and check how he's doing?," the older one immediately asked, remembering all those times Tomohisa had called when he'd been elsewhere, asking Jin if he had time just to go and pay some attention to Kazuya. Back then the youngest member of KAT-TUN had been a complete wreck and if he was getting back to that... Jin was pretty sure he wasn't the only one who was going to dislike that.
Sitting silent for a while, Tomohisa thought about it. Of course he wanted be sure that Kazuya was alright, but he felt like he had asked enough from Jin already, the guy was busy as it was, with a baby coming and all, he didn't really need to go around solving the mess that was supposed to be Tomohisa's relationship.
"I guess, if you don't mind...?" He ended up answering though, as the worry over Kazuya's condition won over.