ben doesn't read harry potter. (headbutt) wrote in camulus, @ 2011-06-04 21:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log, benjamin broussard, vanja eliassen |
LOG.
WHO: Ben Broussard [THE KNOCKOUT KID] & Vanja Eliassen [HULDRA]
WHAT: A chance to talk quietly at the Social.
WHEN: June 4, during the Social.
WHERE: Just outside the Grande Ballroom.
RATING/STATUS: Hmm, PG? Not very high anyway. Complete.
BEN: Ben tugged at the collar of his shirt, loosening up the space around neck. The night air was warmer than he wanted it to be as he and Vanja stood just outside the back exit of the ballroom. Inside, the muffled bass of the music began to pick up again, when just moments ago, the tune had been slow. He suggested fresh air to avoid the slow dance; it wasn’t that he didn’t want to dance with Vanja, he just didn’t particularly feel like doing so beneath Raphael, Ari, and Azzie’s watchful eyes. Enough dust had been kicked up amongst the Freshmen class over this dance. Truth be told, he welcomed the chance to talk to Vanja alone. Ben couldn’t shake the feeling that something, anything needed to be said ever since Vanja had told him she was coming to the social with Raphael; perhaps the phrase ‘once and for all’ was a little too dramatic for the occasion, but as Ben’s eyes met Vanja’s as they stood in the tepid night air, the need to finally articulate or question what was between them pressed forward stronger than ever.
But words were never a strong suit for Ben. He had always been spare with them, and habitually thinking and rethinking how to say something often resulted in him saying very little at all. They never seemed to fit entirely correctly--perfectly. There was always a gap--sometimes large, sometimes small--between what he meant or wanted to say and what he managed to say. Standing opposite Vanja, he thought of how pretty she looked, how her blonde hair curled, the shade of her dress, and how glad he was that she standing there at that particular moment. He thought of his disappointment at the fact that she chose Raphael as a date, how ironically opposite he was from himself (Raphael used words like a glaze and a garnish). Then he thought almost inexplicably of Niz, and how she, too, was ironically opposite from the girl standing in front of him now. Ben had always felt that words would always fall just to the left of, or just short of what he intended. As a result, he, too, was short of words. The urge to speak ebbed as he tried harder to grasp at the right ones. Instead, he said, “So are you having a good time?”
VANJA: Was she having a good time? The question should have been easy enough to answer, but Vanja hesitated -- as it seemed she always did around Ben now. True, parts of the night had been strained, but she was at a dance with her friends and a boy she liked. Raphael had, as per usual, been charming and flirtatious. He’d made her laugh, and he’d twirled her around the dance floor with finesse, and there was no reason for Vanja to feel as if she were lying when she told people she was having a great time. And yet.
“I am! The night’s been pretty great so far,” she responded after a moment, doing her best to smile brightly. All of a sudden she felt very tired. “How about you?”
BEN: His mouth opened probably to reply with the appropriate small-talk response: the easy, automatic things to say as an alternative to silence, or saying something too real and uncomfortable. He meant to say he was having fun, that the decorations inside were interesting, that the food had been good. “Yeah--” he started, but then he shook his head. He couldn’t really say any of those things. “Nah. I don’t think I’m having a very good time.” He dropped his gaze now. His fingers picked at imaginary lint on his jacket uncomfortably. “Sorry, I--yeah.”
VANJA: “Oh,” Vanja replied softly. “That’s -- you don’t have to be sorry.” She suddenly found herself wishing that she had told the truth too, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to take back her words. She could already feel the conversation inching towards uncharted territory, shifting into something she wasn’t quite sure she wanted it to be. Vanja had felt the desire to come clean with Ben tugging at her ever since she’d talked with Yeon, but now, when the moment seemed right, she was rooted in place . “Dancing not really your thing?” she continued, in a weak attempt to preserve what little levity was left.
BEN: “No, not really,” he shrugged. That much was true. Ben had no rhythm to speak of, but he wouldn’t have minded that so much if he had been able to come to the dance with Vanja. Again, the feeling of frustrating futility began to rise up within him for perhaps the hundredth time since Wednesday night. Why didn’t he just ask her last week? Or even a day earlier than Raphael? He bristled inwardly at the thought of Raphael, but it was less about the Italian freshmen than it was about himself. It wasn’t a competition. It was that he had somehow sabotaged himself. What had stopped him from asking Vanja, really? He let himself become completely wrapped up in his worry for Niz, even though he had already made his choice on that particular matter by breaking things off. Maybe Ari was right: he was the source of his own misery and he did very little to change it.
He shook his head, letting out a bemused chuckle. “Man, I--have no clue what I am doing,” he said. “Sorry, that must sound completely random. I just--” he bit his lip. His mind was working, reworking the words to say; with effort, he shut it off. “--wanted to be here with you.”
VANJA: It was strange to hear it out loud. Both the admission that Ben had wanted to come to the social with her, and what Vanja hoped was underneath his words. It felt, to Vanja, as if something delicate between them had shattered. Or perhaps it was only what had kept her from pouring out exactly how she felt that was breaking, for when she opened her mouth to reply, what came out wasn’t a safe, gentle platitude or a well-meaning apology, but something else entirely.
“Me too,” she said before she could stop herself. “I waited for -- I didn’t think you were going to ask me. And I didn’t -- I --” The words tumbling out of her mouth were both rushed and stilted, but Vanja stumbled through them regardless, not giving her mind enough time to slam the brakes. “I like Raphael,” she continued, after a breath. “But not the way I like you.”
BEN: “Oh,” Ben said as he digested Vanja’s words carefully. A strange sensation awoke in the pit of his stomach, like leaping frogs, or beating drums, overlaid with something akin to elation. Part of it was surprise. He had made an idiot out of himself in front of Vanja more times than he cared to remember. It seemed almost unbelievable that she would like him at all, but he thought about the way they had been during the Russia mission, and since they returned and realized that he knew deep down that there was something between them. Something that he had felt and always pushed aside because of what he assumed was fear of rejection, but now he began to slowly realize was something else entirely.
He had never really trusted his feelings for her. Ever since the allure incident, Ben had maintained a steady impulse to resist whatever feelings he had for Vanja, because on some level, he still questioned how genuine they were. And yet--now he knew better, he knew her better. She wasn’t just a girl he passed in the hallway anymore. They kept each other grounded and sane when they were fighting zombies in Russia. She was easy to talk to despite all of his conversational shortcomings. His feelings didn’t feel impulsive, or incompatible with who he was. On the contrary, it felt natural, like he was himself around her. That was why he wanted to come to the dance with her. Why he liked her.
There it was: the bottom line. He liked her. For real. He could feel a flush creep up the back of his neck. He was nervous, though he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. “I like you, too,” he said.
VANJA: “Really?” Vanja blurted out, before she could stop herself. “Wait, no, not really. That was dumb.” Her hands flew to her face, covering her eyes as she grimaced in embarrassment. She felt almost giddy. The nervous butterflies that had fluttered to life in the moment between when she’d admitted that she liked Ben and when Ben had replied -- less than a minute, surely, probably even less than half a minute, but it had felt like ages had passed -- quelled their flight. She was still nervous, but it was a good kind of nervous. An excited, anticipatory kind of nervous.
She lowered her hands and opened her eyes.
BEN: Ben laughed quietly as Vanja covered her face--the expression on her face was so charmingly adorable. When she lowered her hands from her face, the laughter died away, though a smile lingered in its place. They had maintained a distance of a couple of feet throughout their conversation, but now Ben felt compelled to close this small gap. One step and a lean forward, and he was kissing her, hand finding the small of her back, drawing her toward him gently. The kiss wasn’t very long, just lingering. When they parted, he leaned his forehead on hers and said quietly, “Really.”
VANJA: The kiss caught Vanja off-guard, but her body knew what to do even if her mind was still catching up, and she leaned into it with one smooth motion. When Ben drew back, the only word that could describe the smile gracing her face was ‘radiant.’ “Wow,” she whispered softly. “Not half bad.” And though Vanja knew that there were more things between her and Ben that really ought to be addressed (where they stood now, for one), she ignored them. She wanted to leave the moment untarnished, her happiness and elation unpuncturable. Other things could at least wait until the morning.
BEN: Ben grinned. “Caps off to you, too,” he said. He swept a stray lock of hair behind her ear and kissed her on the cheek. The nervous frogs in his stomach still lingered, but he felt happy--it took effort to straighten out his expression (if they went back inside now, Azzie would notice the change immediately) but he failed to contain the persistent smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “So, what do you think? Do you think we should head back inside?” He laughed. Just moments ago, Ben had found the social to be intolerable. But the idea of heading inside to rejoin the party now seemed almost funny. Or maybe that was just residual giddiness from having just kissed the girl he liked.
VANJA: Vanja glanced back at the frosted doors that led back into the ballroom, biting at her bottom lip as she contemplated whether or not she really wanted to head back in. She didn’t know whether she would be able to act like nothing had happened outside with Ben, whether she would be able to contain the brightness of her smile, and she definitely knew she didn’t want to deal with questions she wasn’t sure she was going to able to answer tonight, even well-intentioned ones. “I think I might just duck in to say my goodbyes before heading back to Victory, actually,” she answered. “All that dancing’s tired me out.”
BEN: Ben nodded. To be honest, wherever she was going was fine with him. “We can walk back together. I’ll wait out here for you,” he said.
VANJA: “OK. Be back in a minute.” Vanja leaned in to press a quick kiss to Ben’s lips before she walked back into the ballroom. She smiled to herself as she turned the ornate door handle and slipped into the room, glancing back to give Ben a small wave before the door closed behind her.