WHO: Hannah Abbott WHEN: September 5th, 1997 WHERE: Hogwarts grounds SUMMARY: Hannah and Megan talk about life and death (Eaters) RATING: PG STATUS: Complete
It had been Megan's idea, but Hannah had jumped on it immediately. There was so much to think about, so much to talk about. But she didn't know if they'd talk about those things. She just knew that she had a dear friend and she wanted to spend time with her just relaxing outside. The nasty Carrows were inside and she could be herself outside.
"I bet they're going to find a way to ruin everything," Hannah said after linking arms with Megan. "I bet they'll ruin Charms, and Divination, and even Herbology. Everything." She sighed. "Which one do you think is scarier?"
Maybe it wasn't a good idea to talk about the Carrows, but she couldn't help herself. Not yet.
“I don’t think they’ll ruin all of them. I think they might try, but things are always scarier when you don’t know anything about them. Maybe after a few months we’ll be used to them. They’re teachers, what harm could they really do to us? Not including the emotional scarring those lessons are going to give us,” she said dryly, squeezing Hannah’s arm with her own briefly. Megan thought on the question for a moment, unsure of the answer.
“Alecto,” she said after a moment, scanning around them to make sure there wasn’t anyone close who would tattle for favor. “Yes, Alecto. At least he’s outwardly creepy. The fact she tries to hide it so poorly makes it a little bit worse, I think. Did you see how she kept jotting things down? Not to mention the fact she has been reading everything. I wish they’d both go away. What about you?”
Hannah shivered. "Definitely Alecto," she said. She bit down hard on her lip before she sucked in a breath. "Did you see what she said to me? She was following me on the journals." She squinted her eyes shut and paused their walk as she thought about it. "I bet she knows about me being arrested. I bet she knows Danny and I broke up. I bet she knows everything about me. And about you too." She squeezed Megan's arm back. "And she is really creepy. I wish I hadn't spoken up so much in her class but then at the same time I'm glad I did. I just don't know what I ought to do, all things considered.
"But at the same time, I'm a lot more scared about Dark Arts."
“I saw,” she said quietly, pursing her lips as she stared at the ground in front of her. Megan had spent a great deal of time since thing trying to go over everything she had said in the journals. There was nothing to do about it now, but it was still unsettling to think they had seen everything. She was only thankful she hadn’t said anything about Sally-Anne. “I keep telling myself they would have probably known about my gran anyway, about how that might have made me feel about the Ministry, but that doesn’t make it much better.”
“I’m glad you did. I also hated that you did. I’ll never pretend to be brave, but I wish I had some of your courage. I was proud of you, even if it made me incredibly nervous,” she added sternly, with no real judgment behind it. She wanted her friends under the radar, they were safer that way. Sure, none of the teachers were actually going to hurt them, but Umbridge had proven they could make their lives miserable. “I never liked Dark Arts. I like it even less now. I guess it would be a bit suspicious if I was sick every week during that class.”
"Nothing is going to make me feel better about them, about all of this looking in on our journals!" Suddenly Hannah remembered writing about Justin and she felt everything inside of her go cold. What if they'd seen that? What if they'd laughed at her tears? Some threatened to come as she realized what it would be like to have been mocked in that way. What were they going to do about what they learned about her? About Megan or Ernie or Susan? "I just want them gone."
She tilted her head toward Megan as though she was giving away her biggest secret. And in a way, maybe she was. "I wish Harry were here," she said. "He's always good at figuring out what to do. Or Hermione, maybe. She's brilliant. I feel like we need them to come back and help us out. Don't you think so? I hope Harry kills You-Know-Who really soon…"
“In hindsight I should have assumed as much. I know there were people avoiding writing in them for that very reason. It was just nice to feel...connect to people, you know? It was nice to have the instant contact.” Megan couldn’t argue with her sentiment. She liked to believe she gave people the benefit of the doubt, but these people were brought here by the Ministry that took away her grandmother. She still didn’t know where she was. She could be hurt or worse and Megan had no way to help her. It was excruciating.
Megan couldn’t help but tense as Hannah talked about You-Know-Who. It was a topic she liked to avoid at all costs. “I know this is terrible of me, but I thought without Harry here there would be less trouble somehow. He always seemed to attract it, or maybe he was simply the only one who acknowledge the problems that were already there. I keep thinking everyone will realize they made a horrible mistake, but now I wonder if it’s only going to get worse. Sorry, I realize that isn’t exactly helpful.”
Hannah nodded eagerly. "The instant connection was really fun. I just didn't expect that they would really be reading everything. I thought some stuff, sure. But all of it? Never expected that. Ever. I wish we could find a way to make it possible for everyone to make things so that only a few people could read them."
She was quiet as they walked around the castle, her eyes focused on the shrubbery instead of on Megan for a moment. Harry did seem to attract trouble, but Hannah knew that it wasn't his fault. She liked Harry and she felt that sometimes he got a bad rap because of all the things that happened. "But he always fixes the problems," she said. "And I know he's going to fix this big one. And he'll do it soon."
“That would be brilliant, wouldn’t it? Maybe even talk to people outside of school. Have you ever thought---Well, I’m sure it’s silly, but do you ever think they read our owls? It’s just, they know we’re friends with people out there. They know a lot of us are related to muggles. I’m not sure when I decided to become paranoid, but I can’t help but wonder.” Not that she had anything to hide, but if people were willing to be so outspoken to the teacher’s faces she couldn’t help but wonder what they’d say in private.
Megan hoped she was right. It seemed impossible for someone her age to fix something so big. Sure, You-Know-Who was the bad guy, but what about all the people that were following them? They were invested in this now. Could he really take all of them on as well? Harry had defied reason and logic once, why not a second time? “I hope you’re right, I really do. Before everything goes to hell.” Megan rested her head against Hannah’s shoulder for a moment, ignoring the jostling movement as they walked. “I’m sure he has adults who are supporting him, who can help him. We’re not the only ones unhappy.”
"I bet they do," Hannah said when the subject came to the owls. She remembered her offer to get information from her sister regarding defense against dark arts, considering that her sister had already published papers about it in magazines. But Neville had cautioned them to be careful about the owls and he was right. She should have guessed it herself. But she hadn't, and she'd almost done something stupid. Luna was right, prefects had to be careful about keeping their badges. And she was risking so much. "Yeah, definitely," she said sadly. "Forget being able to talk to our families honestly."
She squeezed Megan closer and leaned her head on top of hers. It was indeed bumpy but there was something comforting about the jostling that she didn't want to do without. "Yeah," she said. "Everybody's miserable right now. Except the people You-Know-Who likes." What if this was going to be it? What if this was going to be all that there was for them when they left Hogwarts? "It's got to change, right?" she said.
“I’m not sure my family is really interested in honest talk right now,” she said, instantly regretting it. This year her care packages had been notably absent, gifts put together by her gran. Her grandfather’s letters were too cheerful and short. He was trying not to frighten her, but she wasn’t a little girl who could believe in happy endings and soothing words. Her gran should have contacted them by now, which meant something or someone was preventing her. Whatever it was couldn’t be a good thing. “I guess I’ll finally have to learn the art of smoke signals. A shame they probably wouldn’t be visible in Ireland.”
“I like to think the guilt and shame is slowly eating them away on in the inside,” she said wryly, a small grin gracing her features but not quite reaching her eyes. In this moment Megan was incredibly grateful for Hannah. Everything seemed a little bit easier when you knew someone had your back. “It will.” Hopefully for the better. “People can’t live like this forever, something has to bend.”
Hannah frowned. Her father wasn't really interested in honest talk anymore either. He didn't even mention what was happening at work, not since the Obliviator disappeared. Not since everything had gone bad. She didn't really blame him, but she missed those conversations and she wished that they could still have them. She'd always talked about work with her parents. Except her mother hadn't told her everything… She wondered what else her father was keeping from her.
She exhaled sharply. "You think it does?" she asked. She wondered if the people who had killed her mother were full of guilt for what they did.
Hannah didn't really think so. Nor was she sure Megan was right about the bending. What if something broke?
"Yeah," she agreed, though.
“I think you can only hide from yourself for so long. They might have themselves convinced that they’re doing the right thing, but somewhere deep down they know the truth. At the end of the day they’re hurting people, there is no getting around that.” Whether they would actually care was a different story. People were capable of terrible things. Megan wasn’t sure she believed in karma necessarily, but she did believe in a larger order to things. Bad deeds would always be punished in some way or another, her sanity required her to believe that.
“Doesn’t really help now, but one day it will. Things always get better in the end, even if it takes some time.”
"Yeah," Hannah said. She wondered how long she could hide herself from her true self, now that she needed to hide it in order to keep Draco from telling his family to go after her parents. She was scared and she was hurting. The fact that she was about to risk everything in order to do graffiti that night was heavy on her heart as she and Megan neared the end of their walk. She just hoped that she could keep herself together when it came to the Death Eaters, and she knew that she desperately needed to keep her father safe.
So, after tonight, she would be herself. And, tomorrow, she would start pretending once again.
"Into the castle we go," she said, squeezing her friend around the middle. They'd make it through. Somehow.