sassy bad girl hannah (habbott) wrote in caged, @ 2013-08-28 00:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! 97-08, [ log ], daniel summerby, hannah abbott |
WHO: Daniel Summerby & Hannah Abbott
WHEN: 27 August 1997; evening
WHERE: The Cloisters, Swindon; Hannah’s house
SUMMARY: There is no 'listening to the wireless.'
RATING: PG
STATUS: Completed Log
The good news: Daniel had his apparition license. He didn’t want to think about how difficult it would have been to sneak in if he had to floo in. Seriously, there was absolutely no way to be subtle when suddenly appearing in someone’s fireplace. At least he’d been working on making his apparition quieter. Fingers crossed Hannah’s father didn’t hear the pop as he appeared in the backyard. The bad news: he now had to get from the backyard to Hannah’s room without getting caught. He was light on his feet (thank you Quidditch practice) but unfortunately not psychic and therefore not aware of where precisely her father was. At least this wasn’t his first time sneaking in this summer. He might have been more nervous if it were. But he needed to see Hannah, after all that had happened yesterday. He selected a small, round pebble from the garden, levitated it up to Hannah’s window, and very carefully rapped the pebble against the glass. Danny just really hoped she was in her room and her father was not. Thankfully, her father wasn't around. He had gone to bed long ago. Having a daughter like Hannah getting into deep trouble and the workload in a Death Eater controlled Ministry was taking a toll on him. If there was any reason for Hannah to be sorry of what she had done, it was her father. She walked down the staircase carefully and opened the door to slip out of it, even if she was in pajamas and fuzzy slippers. She gave Danny a tight hug before tilting her head to indicate that he should come in. She knew that, on a normal night, she wouldn't have been in super serious trouble for her dad to find Danny. Well, maybe she would, but at least it wouldn't have surprised him that much. Now that she was under strict grounding she knew that it would be a little more of an issue. Once they were in her room she flopped down on her bed with a sigh and cast a silencing charm on her door. "Oh my gosh," she said, falling back on the sheets. "Danny, this is the worst." His arms wrapped tightly around her the moment she stepped outside. The magic may have gone out of their relationship, but he still cared about her, deeply. It was good to see her standing there, in one piece. Emotionally worse off, most likely, but at least on the surface she was unharmed. Danny followed her inside and up the stairs, taking care to make as little noise as he could until they were safely in her room. “Did they hurt you?” There were other things he wanted to ask. Like why they’d gone back so soon, or why they’d talked about it on the journals when God knew what was going on with those books. So many questions that he didn’t really want the answers to, because as much as he wanted to be mad at her (at both of them, really) when she knew what she was risking, he was more angry at the Ministry. For everything. "No," she sighed. "I mean, the body bind was awful and scary, but besides that they didn't do anything to hurt me. They were a bit rough but… It could have been so much worse. I've seen the way that they treat Muggleborns." She sat up and hugged her knees to her chest with a shudder. "It was cold, though. And Lavender and I had only one blanket so we spooned." She got up abruptly and moved to the other wall and ran her fingers over the lines of a picture frame that showed her mother smiling brightly and waving at her. "But I don't regret it. I don't. Are you mad at me?" He could feel a knot in his stomach. Everything had happened too damn quickly. He could remember having faith in the Ministry a month ago. And then he read the first article in the Prophet that cited Muggleborns as the problem in wizarding society. Not according to some idiot reporter or from a letter to the editor, but straight from the Ministry itself. Danny chuckled softly at the image of Hannah and Lavender spooning. “Do I need to be jealous of Lavender?” He frowned. He hated how fleeting the pleasant moments could be. He didn’t want to admit that he was mad at her, but he was sure she’d see through a lie. “I am a bit. I understand why you did it, I do,” he added hastily. “I just--” I wish you hadn’t done it. “I don’t know.” Hannah laughed weakly. "You should be very jealous, Lavender is better at it than you are. Maybe I'll have to leave you for her." It was a joke, but one that was in a bit of poor taste all things considered. She regretted it immediately. "I don't mean it," she said. She walked back over to Danny and stretched her arms out around her. "Don't know what?" Danny smiled briefly. Just briefly, as that knot in his stomach tightened again. It had been a joke, he was sure, but he couldn’t help but feel it would have been a funnier joke at the beginning of the summer. “I didn’t think she was your type.” Nope, joking in return didn’t really make it better. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He was resisting the natural inclination to point out that he couldn’t rightly answer that, that there were lots of things he didn’t know, and if he didn’t know them, how was he supposed to answer? Except his sarcasm didn’t always go over well with Hannah and he was pretty sure this was one of those times where she wouldn’t appreciate it. “I don’t know what the Ministry’s thinking. Or why no one’s stopped them. Or--” He stopped himself. It wasn’t what she’d meant, and he knew it. But he was pissed at the Ministry, and if they weren’t being so stupid Hannah would never have gotten into trouble. The wandless were the lucky Muggleborns, and he didn’t understand why the Ministry hadn’t just sent them all of to Azkaban if they were going to just let them starve and dear God what state was his Gran in if this was how they were treating the ones in Diagon? “This is all bullshit.” "Because they're putting everyone into jail that argues with them," said Hannah. "Even girls who are barely of age." She pouted and sank back into the bed again and looked up expectantly at him as if she expected him to sit down next to her. Her shoulders hunched and she frowned. All her strength from standing up and being strong for her father and everyone else was starting to crumble. "I… I'm so tired," she said. Hannah felt exhausted. She'd been on the go since she'd learned about Justin and she just hadn't stopped. Now she wasn't able to hide the fact that her best friend was in Azkaban, treated worse than the Wandless. And so was Danny's grandma. Danny nodded shortly in agreement, crossing over to sit beside her on the bed. His hand reached automatically for hers. He didn’t like talking about any of this, knowing there was nothing they could do. He wanted to tell her that he should have been with her last night, even if it meant getting caught. Except that wasn’t the truth. He wasn’t nearly as brave as she was, and he didn’t like the constant visual reminder of how quickly their world had gone to hell. He sat quietly, staring down at their hands. He didn’t know how to make this better. Any of it. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he finally said softly, lifting his head slightly to look at her. "Yeah," Hannah said. She held his hand limply in her own after an initial squeeze. His comfort meant a lot to her, but there was something lacking there. It just felt as comforting as Susan or Megan. Important, but not special. Her brow puckered as she considered this and watched him. She wasn't doing a very good job of hiding her confusion, and in truth she wasn't really trying. "Me too," she finally said, her brow relaxing. "Me too. When I think about what could have happened…" Danny felt that knot in his stomach tighten once more. He didn’t want to think about what could have happened. Because what could have happened when the Ministry was clearly corrupted ranged from slightly horrible to unthinkably tragic. And he had enough of an imagination to lend toward the latter rather than the former. He pursed his lips, trying to frame a response. God, he hated not knowing what to say. He looked back down at their hands, just… there. Just together. Only just. “Are you going to try again?” The words slipped out almost as quickly as they entered his head. He didn’t look up at her. He didn’t know why he’d asked. It wasn’t like she could do anything when she was so grounded he’d had to sneak in to see her. "No," she said slowly. "I promised Dad I wouldn't. This isn't just about me anymore. This is about him and his job and…" Her voice grew quieter as she spoke a fear that she hadn't yet had the guts to share with anyone since she hadn't seen anyone face to face. "I don't want him to become a target, you know?" She glanced back at the picture on the dresser. She hadn't been the one to make her mom a target, but what if her recklessness cost her father? Her siblings would never forgive her. She could never forgive herself. She'd been able to pick herself up after the loss of her mother but could she do the same when she lost her father, too? Danny squeezed her hand tightly, reassuringly. There were things he didn’t have to worry about that others did. The only member of his family who’d worked for the Ministry was already in Azkaban for stealing magic. Grandmum might have to deal with that bollocks at St. Mungo’s now, but the rest of them were, for the time being, free from the restrictions of the government. At least until the Ministry started declaring how independent businesses were allowed to conduct themselves. He was almost happy he’d be at Hogwarts when that happened. “Nothing’s going to happen to him.” He wished he could make those words true. It was all just wishful thinking at this point in time, which wasn’t really one of Danny’s strong suits to begin with. But for her, he could fake it. For her, he could at least try to pretend that the world wasn’t crumbling around them. "I don't know," she whispered, her voice suddenly tearful. "What if it does? I don't want to be an orphan." She hugged herself and leaned into him for a moment before sitting back up. "Danny, what if I've gone and done something that can't be fixed? What if I make dad suffer because of what I've done? I can't do that. I'd never forgive myself. I can't. I can't. I--" she took in a deep, shuddering breath. "I have to be careful." He wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. He silenced the voice in his head telling him to kiss her--this wasn’t the moment. But he couldn’t just sit there. “You haven’t, Han. If--” Danny paused and pulled her close once more. He’d almost reassured her that it wouldn’t be her fault if something happened, but this was probably not the time to suggest it. “You can never blame yourself.” "But I do blame myself," she said. "I have a responsibility and I can't just… I can't just…" She turned more into his arms, but as though they were the arms of a friend. "Danny, he's just got me. I mean, there's Eve but she's in Egypt. And then Otto has his own life and hardly ever comes by anymore. So it's just me and I'm ruining everything. I'm just making a big mess of everything," she moaned. She was having a breakdown now after having been so strong during the ordeal. “You’re only seventeen, Hannah. He can’t expect you to be perfect.” He knew even less about how to comfort her as a boyfriend than he’d known when they started dating. He was sure he’d figured this out at one point, but he was out of practice and out of his depth. “And you’re not making a mess of everything. You’re brilliant, okay?” "But I am," Hannah insisted. She made a sound like a moan and leaned over, pressing a hand to her forehead as though she had a fever. She knew what was truth and she felt irritated that Danny wasn't getting it. "Thanks, I guess, but that's… I am. I know I am." She moved herself away from his arms, frustrated. She felt like he didn't understand her. Danny pursed his lips as she moved away. Was there anything worse than knowing he should have been better at this and the words just… not coming? Oh, right. The world. Everything that was happening. So why did this feel worse right now? He spread his fingers out on the sheets, perplexed. “You’re trying, Han. Isn’t that what matters?” "Is it?" she said, looking up at him. Is that really what mattered, trying? Was that really enough? She stared at Danny. She loved him -- but not romantically. It had been almost a year of them being together and she still couldn't say she loved him romantically. But she had been trying. For months she had been trying, but was that what really mattered? "I don't know, Danny," she said, thumping her feet against her bed. "Right now I don't think trying is enough." Danny should have sensed the shift in subtext sooner. He’d been thinking about the two of them when he said it, so of course it felt like she was, too. He really wanted them to be talking about something else, about trying to behave and survive the changing climate, about trying not to disappoint their parents, about trying to change the world. Anything else. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts and form them into words. “Then what is?” "I don't know," she said simply, honestly. "Sometimes I wonder if it's better to stop trying." She wasn't talking about laws now, not really. She was thinking that it would be better to give up on the lawlessness for the sake of her father, but she knew that she couldn't just keep going on with Danny forever. And she didn't know if she would be able to hold herself back. Would her father even want to. But she pursed her lips tight as she looked at Danny, wondering if he had the answer for them. He wasn’t sure of the answer. He wanted to say that it wasn’t better, that they should keep trying. Sitting with his arms around her, or with his lips pressed against hers, he felt comfortable. Relaxed. At peace. It was familiar, pleasant… and completely missing the spark. He remembered there being a spark, in the beginning. He cared about her, he truly did, and it felt good to spend time with her, but he didn’t love her. He didn’t love her and he knew it. But he didn’t know if he wanted to stop trying. “You do?” She closed her eyes and tilted her head down. "Danny…" she whispered. She didn't want to be the one to say it. She didn't want to be the one to do it. But she didn't know if she could keep trying when everything in the world seemed to be pulling her down. Trying was just hard now. And unless she could make it possible to know that there would be light at the end of the tunnel… What was the use? "Danny…" She just couldn't say it. How the hell had they gotten to this point? How had they gone from him sneaking into her house late at night to check up on her after what had happened last night, to this? Hell, if anything, he’d initially thought that ‘listening to the wireless’ might actually happen tonight. And here they were, at the opposite end of the spectrum. He could feel it, the way that knot in his stomach tightened once more. He couldn’t have predicted, nearly a year ago, that this was how things would wind up. He swallowed, licking his lips. His throat felt dry. Glancing over at her, she seemed out of focus. One brave thing. There was one brave thing he could do for her right now. He just didn’t know how to say it. “This is it, isn’t it?” She burst into tears and nodded, holding her face in her hands. She wasn't crying because she was upset at him. She was just so exhausted, so bone-weary from everything that had happened. Hannah didn't want this change, and yet she knew that somehow she had wanted it for months, at least since the term had ended. And she knew it was best that they end it before school started back up again. But what if she and Danny weren't friends anymore? What if this was really it? The end of everything? "I'm sorry," she managed. "I'm sorry." Danny shook his head, fighting the ache in his chest at seeing her cry. Not so much for breaking up. It had to be a sign that they were doing the right thing, didn’t it? Unless she was crying because of it and that made him an asshole and damn it all. “It’s not your fault, Han.” Was it his? He honestly didn’t know. He knew that, before Dumbledore’s death, breaking up was inconceivable. Was it his fault, for not being so accessible this summer? He just wanted to know that she didn’t blame him for this, because he couldn’t blame her. "I know," she said, wiping away her tears. "It's just… It just happened. These things happen. They just… They happen." She sat up a little straighter and cleared her throat, working the tears out of her voice. "It isn't your fault, it isn't mine." She closed her eyes and reached her arms out to embrace him. "Promise we'll stay friends?" Danny smiled faintly, nodding. He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing tightly. Still comfortable, but just friends. “Course we will.” It was going to take getting used to, but it almost felt better to have it over with. Now they just had to tell everyone else... |