Buffy Summers (buffy_da_slayer) wrote in btvsal, @ 2009-07-13 20:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | ash kowalski, buffy summers, place: la |
John Dear Letters Suck
Who: Buffy and Ash
Where: Ash's Home
When: Monday Night
Ash had been supposed to meet Buffy for a training session at 7pm. And usually, Ash was punctual to where it annoyed almost everyone, as he took this new job of his almost TOO seriously at times. Yet he didn't even notice that it was now 8pm, and he had been walking, almost aimlessly, through the rainy night for close to two hours. Finally stopping near his home, Ash finally collapsed, looking almost as stoic and emotionless as he had months earlier, sitting against the wall, drenched as the rain beat down on his form.
Buffy had been waiting on Ash to show up so that they could start their training session for the night. Usually, he was anally punctual, but tonight he was late. Very late. This had her worried. She had sat on his doorstep, waiting for him to show up, even in the rare LA rain, and, when she saw him collapse by his home, she rushed out to him. "Ash? What's the matter?"
At first, he didn't even notice her talking to him. It felt like a distant echo. Finally, it registered that he was being spoken to. Without even turning to give her eye contact, he merely handed her a note. One he'd been clutching in his hands, and was now so soaked it was barely legible. But of what COULD be read, were words and phrases like, "...too much, too soon..." , "....supernatural...can't handle...." , and "...moving back with my parents. I'm so, so sorry..."
Buffy looked at the note and shook her head. She kind of figured that this would happen. Lucy seemed like a nice girl, but maybe a little *too* naive for the world that they really lived in. Going back home might be better for her. For now, though, she had someone else closer to her that she really needed to worry about. "Come on, Ash," she said. "Let's get you inside. You're going to catch something if you stay out here in this."
"...so what." Was all that came out of his mouth. He sat there again, silent except for the sound of the rain pattering on his face. Finally, he looked upward and spoke again. "No matter what I do... no matter how hard I try... it's like I'm not meant to be happy."
She managed to snag his keys out of his pocket. "Well, I still need you to be here and at least semi-healthy, so we're going inside and getting you into something warm."
"...yeah. Warm." He said, never feeling colder in his life, emotionally. "Every time I think I'm getting there, that I'm getting back to being myself, fate kicks me in the ass."
She sighed a little as she unlocked his door and pulled him inside. She was definitely going into 'protect Ash from himself' mode tonight, it seemed. She shut and locked the door behind him, pulling him further into the house until they were in his bedroom. "OK, I'm picking out clothes, but you're putting them on yourself. You fight me, I throw you through a wall and then dress you myself like you were a baby. Understood?"
You know..." he said, defeated, as he finally rose to follow her in. He couldn't afford to lose his dignity as well right now. "Most Slayers obey their watchers, not boss them around." His voice held no humor, though. It was almost painful, really... a voice trying to be funny... but too immersed in sadness to succeed.
"Sometimes Slayers have to take care of their Watchers, too," she pointed out to him. She pulled some clothes from his closet. She even pulled a black shirt with a pair of jeans so that at least he could feel more in his natural element of darkness. "You have five minutes," she said, and turned to leave the room.
Sure enough, five minutes later, he was dressed. But he never made an effort to leave the room, to tell her he was done, nothing. He just sat there, trying like hell to stave off the darkness he felt trying to eat him from within.
She swung open the door at five minutes on the dot, a little relieved to see that he was actually dressed. She hadn't really wanted to dress him herself. Too much embarrassment right there for even her to handle. She looked him over. "Good, you're dressed. Now come on and actually talk to me. Did she even give you the note in person?"
"No. Chloe said she was too broken up to face me." He looked downward, towards the floor. "It's just as well... someone like her, so full of light... she didn't need my darkness destroying her."
Buffy managed to stop herself from rolling her eyes, but damn if she wanted to. "You're not going to destroy anyone, Ash. You're trying too hard to hurt anyone at this point. You've come so far. Don't let this turn it all around."
"You want to laugh at me, I can feel it." His voice was somehow tinged with sadness AND a hint of venom, as if he was trying to hold down the old Ash again. "She was the one person who saw the GOOD in me. And if she can't even see it anymore... what does that say?"
"No, I want to kick you in the head," Buffy told him bluntly. "Do I not freaking count? If anyone hated you for good reason before, it was me. I *saw* exactly what happened to my sister after you two oh so disastrously broke up. And yet, here I am, trying to help you, trying to remind you that you are worth something no matter what one girl might think. What does *that* say?"
If she was trying to be angry with him, the broken smile he gave her then would have defused it. "...it says you're better to me than I deserve, really."
She let out a sigh. "That's kind of what I'm pointing out to you. I think you do deserve it. That should count for something."
He reached over, clutching for her hand desperately, as he suddenly found himself fighting off tears. "Buffy... I knew she was better than I deserved, but how often am I going to find a girl like that that actually finds me interesting?"
She squeezed his hand and had to fight off the urge to kick him in the shin. Something to snap him out of this. "I find you interesting, Ash."
He thought back to that night that the two of them caught themselves almsot getting a LITTLE too close at Avarice. "You really do?" He sounded almost amazed. "Buffy, you're probably the most beautiful, funny, overall GOOD person I've ever met. What the HELL could you see in someone like me?"
"Yeah, I really do," she said to him. "Honestly, what I see in you is a guy who's actually trying to be a good person. For the world we live in, that means a lot. Most people give up too easily. It's easier to be evil, anyway. It's way harder to actually be a good person, but you're trying. That's what I see in you."
He looked up, then, to meet her eyes.. part of him wondering what made her so suddenly concerned about him, so LOYAL to him. "I swear... I'm not trying to be an ass asking this, but... why do you care so much?"
"Oh my god, you open up to a guy and they ask again why you care," Buffy said with a roll of her eyes. "Did you not hear anything I said? That whole soliloquy I just delivered?" She sighed. "I care about you because I do. Isn't that enough?"
"That... wasn't REALLY what I meant." He finally stood. "Look... I'm going to miss Lucy. More than I can even talk about right now. But I think we BOTH know that over the last couple of weeks... I've gotten far more fond of you than a normal watcher should get of his slayer. And if I'm not alone in feeling like this... then maybe there's something there to actually give me something to smile about, you know?"
"I know," she said. "And I think there is something there to give you something to smile about. You've just got to, you know, pull yourself away from your dark piss cloud of apathy and sadness and remember there are things to smile about, and they *don't* always have to be a person. Life is occasionally worth smiling about, too." Something that she had to learn herself, actually.
"....when the hell did you get all confident and self-assure?" He asked, his tone more one of wonder and awe than of mocking.
She thought about it for a moment and shrugged. "I'm not sure, actually. Maybe you have something to do with it."
"Really." He moved a little closer to her, feeling a tad more brave now that she'd disclosed what she had. "Then maybe it's time we work on doing the same to me, hm?"
She smiled again. "I think I'm up for the challenge."