Michaela Barnes (michaela_barnes) wrote in btvsal, @ 2011-03-10 18:01:00 |
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Current mood: | contemplative |
Entry tags: | deanna kiske, kayla barnes, place: la |
What the... Frilly FUCK?
Who: Deanna and Kayla
Where: Avarice
When: March 9th - Night
Well now. THIS was becoming a rather alarmingly common sight recently: Deanna, alone at the bar of Avarice, drink in hand. The blonde wore a plain, shapeless outfit of black sweatpants, brown boots, and a baggy blue hoodie, staring into her glass silently. She'd pretty much tried to memorize the nights Kayla wasn't working, to avoid any uncomfy situations.
Sadly, Deanna was about to GET into an uncomfy situation, despite the fact that it was technically Kayla's night off. She'd told the other girls at the bar to keep an eye on Deanna for her... since while they weren't together anymore, she still cared and worried about the other woman. When this... recent trend started to emerge, Kayla decided to try to nip it in the bud before it got worse, which was why she made her way into Avarice after a call from Mia, dressed in low-slung jeans and a black, tummy-bearing tank-top. Unfortunately, the seats beside Deanna were occupied, so, instead of starting a fight to get said seat, Kayla tapped one guy on the shoulder and offered him a drink. Like he'd say 'no', right? Sitting down, she ordered a beer and looked at Deanna. "Hi."
"Oh god." Dee said, hearing that voice, her eyes going adorably wide. "Let me... finish my drink and I'll leave. I... I didn't know you were here tonight..."
Kayla frowned lightly and went to place a hand to Deanna's forearm but seemed to think better of it and stopped herself. "I knew that YOU were here."
"Then why did you come here, Kayla? Isn't it bad enough that I see you every night in my dreams? That I can't even FORCE myself to love a gorgeous woman who is falling for me because no matter what she does... she isn't YOU?"
Kayla clenched her jaw... but for the most part, she took that information calmly. Ben had told her about Eve, of course, so that didn't bother her as much as it would have it she'd just heard it for the first time. "I came because I'm worried."
"Why? That's what's messing with me, Kay. You tell me you can't be with anyone... but then like a couple weeks later I see you with that guy. Then, when you guys didn't work out, I figured maybe I still had a shot... and instead you ran to Van Warren." Well, it was all coming out now, hm? Alcohol, you ARE a bastard. "Now you say you're worried. Why?"
"I said that I couldn't be with you because I was afraid of physically hurting you, honey. I never stopped--" She stopped herself abruptly then and tried to answer Deanna's questions. "Gabriel... helped me get my head back on straight. He understood the... outbursts. Chloe... brought back the light I lost when I—when I left you." She took another sip of her beer. "I'm worried because you have the brightest light of any person that I know and that's something you should never lose."
"Then why couldn't you come back to ME?" She asked, laying it on the line. "What does Chloe have that I don't? Besides money?"
God help her, Kayla had to think about that. She took another sip of her beer and set it down on the bar. "Nothing. She's no different. ...It... never seemed fair to you to ask for you back, knowing that I'd find a way to fuck it up again. You don't deserve that."
"I guess I had no say in that." Dee sighed, staring into her drink. "I've only ever truly LOVED two people, Kayla, and neither of you want me as bad as I want you. Lucky me, huh?"
"I didn't say that I didn't want you, or that I stopped loving you. But I worried that I couldn't give you what you deserved, and what you deserve? Is the WORLD, sweetheart."
"But what if I don't want the world? What if all I want is YOU?" Deanna finally turned, tears in her eyes, and stared at Kayla. "I think of you with Van Warren and it makes me SICK. I think of Brayden with Meredith, and it makes me sick. Because I can love either of you more and better than that pig or that sugared-up princess EVER could."
Kayla looked down, trying to hide the tears in her eyes, before looking up again and cupping Deanna's cheek. "I'm so..." God, she didn't even know where to start.
"Don't say you're sorry. Don't you dare say it unless you're going to leave Chloe and come back to me. Because otherwise it's nothing but words." She said, trying her best not to look into Kayla's eyes.
"Let me just... try something here," Kayla murmured, tilting Deanna's chin to MAKE her look her in the eyes. "Please?" Conflicted, thy name is Kayla.
"What? What is it you want to try?" Dee asked, looking about 25 types of defeated here.
Well, there were two things that Kayla was certain (or almost certain) of here. One, she was a DICK. Two, that this could only really make the situation MORE difficult. Still gripping Deanna's chin lightly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against the other woman's, drawing the kiss out.
Dee just... let the girl kiss her, eyes fluttering shut, before finally breaking it off. "Kayla... you... you already broke me. Don't do it to Van Warren too. I'm jealous as HELL of her... but she doesn't deserve to feel the way I do right now."
"No, she doesn't." Kayla chuckled weakly and grabbed her beer again, taking a hearty swig. "I just... wish that I did things differently more than anything, baby."
"So do I." Deanna sighed, shaking her head. "I'm a broken mess. Just... be good to Chloe, ok? Don't make the same mistakes you made with me".
Kayla took in a deep breath and ruffled a hand through her short dark hair. "Is this... you trying to let me go?"
"No. It's me admitting to myself that you'll never JUST want me. Neither will Meredith. Apparently I'm not good enough to keep anyone happy by myself." Oh, fuck. That was honestly how she FELT.
"You were enough before," Kayla murmured. Obviously she meant before the whole crippling head injury thing.
"Then I wish I could go back to that time." She said, simply. "I wish I could be someone that I'll never really be."
Kayla ran a hand through her hair. "I'm just making things worse, aren't I?"
"Impossible." She answered, looking at Kayla. "Things can't really get any worse. I'm in love with two people that will never fully want me back. Fuck my life."
It was funny how, even now, the barest of mention of Meredith made Kayla's blood boil. "If... Chloe wasn't in the picture, do you think it would be easy to just... go back?" Ah, Kayla was vastly becoming the Queen of reopening old wounds.
"If nothing else? It'd be easy to TRY. But I don't know if I'm the same person anymore. I feel... empty now. Broken. Useless."
Kayla curled hair behind Deanna's ear and nodded slowly. "Then this bar is the last place you need to be. Trust me when I say that this isn't even NEAR rock bottom. What you need to do is find something you... tolerate. Something that doesn't immediately make you want to hang yourself. Then, maybe, do something that surprises you... something that you've always wanted to do. And no. I'm not talking about Ben AND Skylar... although I'm sure they'd be up for it. Just, try to find out what person you are now."
"I know what kind of person I am. I'm the kind of person that can't keep anyone happy. I'm the ditzy, white-trash stripper everyone thinks I am." Deanna sighed, shrugging. "You're better off with Chloe. At least she has a future."
"You kept me happy," Kayla sighed and dragged her fingers through her short hair. "And white-trash is a label YOU gave yourself. That's not how I EVER saw you. Fuck, you could have been the new hotter version of Hitler and that wouldn't change my opinion about you. Well... can't say I'd like the outfits, but I'd get over that."
"Kayla. I *didn't* keep you happy." She said, looking at her sadly. "If I had... you wouldn't have run to Gabriel. You wouldn't have run to Chloe. You'd have come back to ME. But that's the thing: everyone I try to love hurts me. Are you REALLY ready to throw away what you have with Chloe just to take another chance at someone who might be completely broken now anyway?"
"What happened with both of them wasn't planned. They both gave me things that I couldn't have on my own. You don't know how many times I thought about calling you... but how could I, when I was still so wrong?" She tapped her forehead, indicating what she meant. "And... throwing away sounds callous, but not many people GET second chances. Or take them, really."
"All I know is... I have Eve ready to devote herself to me. Meredith practically ready to ask Brayden if the three of us can like... live in harmony together or something. So don't even THINK about this if you have even a slight doubt. Because I can't afford to hurt like this again."
Kayla let out a long, slow breath. She'd always loved Dee, there was no doubting that, but right now her own needs and wants shouldn't come first. Then again, they never should have. "I'm thinking," she admitted. "What you need to do is what makes YOU happy, though." Which was the point of her visit in the first place, come to think of it.
"You don't want me to do that. Trust me." She laughed bitterly, since really? The thoughts that made HER happy right now? None of them ended well.
Kayla arched an eyebrow then, in a surprisingly Neely-like way. "Well... what LEGALLY makes you happy." Since she figured murder was involved in there somewhere.
"Legally? Like I could do anything like that, goofball." She laughed, bitterly. No... she was more to do something to HERSELF.
Ah, now THAT realization hit Kayla like a ton of bricks. "Baby, please don't say things like that. You want me? I'm yours. Just don't ever EVER lose yourself to that darkness."
"I don't know what I want. I really don't. If you really want me back, Kayla... you you're gonna have to work for it. Prove to me that you're not going to leave me hurting MORE. Because I already feel like just.... going off somewhere and dying. I don't want to feel even WORSE." She said sighing again and looking away.
Kayla ordered them both another drink, since hey, this conversation WARRENTED it, dammit. "Then... I'll talk to Chloe. Let her know what's going on. I love and respect her too much to keep anything from her. And then I'll do whatever it takes. For you."
"And until then? I'm going to do what you and Meredith both do so well. I'm going to see who fits ME best. I'm going to go and have sex with Eve. And then I'm going to go and have more amazing threesomes with Meredith and Brayden. Maybe I'll even find that guitar player I met at Avarice a while ago and let him use me like his own little whore again. For now? I am gonna be exactly the kind of girl everyone thinks I am... and I'm gonna have FUN doing it."
Kayla clenched her jaw and looked away briefly. "I know you're not mine, but I can't help it but be possessive, you know that. Meaning? If I see any of them? I'm not going to be very kind."
"Well then..." Dee stood up, smirking to herself. Good god... did this little outburst finally endow her with some kind of confidence? "I guess you ALL better get to work with the wooing. Because things are about to get very..." she leaned in, kissing Kayla briefly, "VERY interesting."
Kayla clenched her jaw, hearing that, and leaned back in her seat to look up at Deanna. "I'll be right here." Not literally, of course, but you know what she means.