Patience Kowalski (eternalpatience) wrote in btvsal, @ 2010-02-11 10:14:00 |
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Current mood: | depressed |
Entry tags: | ash kowalski, patience kowalski, place: la |
Broken
Who: Ash and Patience
Where: Ash's house
When: Wednesday Morning, Feb. 10th (Before the scene with Mere)
It had officially been a day and a half since Lucy's death. In that time... every television station and newspaper in the state had reported on it... yet not ONE person had heard from her boyfriend, Ashton Kowalski. Not her family or friends, not HIS family and friends. Any phone calls went unanswered. Any attempts at consolation went ignored. Right now? Ash was thinking the entire world could get bent. He lay on his bed... staring at the ceiling... unable to think about anything but HER. His Lucy. And how he'd never hold her again. Never smell her hair, or kiss those perfect lips, or hear that intoxicating giggle...
Patience had been in her own blissful little bubble that morning, feeling, for once, content with the world and her place in it. Maybe it was just hormones or the ... very nice wake up sex, but whatever it was she couldn’t take that grin off her face. She flipped on the TV as she ambled about the house, never one to sit still for any length of time. It was only when she heard the name Van Warren that she stopped what she was doing and actually looked at the TV. Oh.... Fuck.
The bubble burst, and without as much as a word to Pat, she grabbed her keys and bolted out the front door, making like Speed Racer to get to her brother. She didn’t know what she could do, but she had to do something, he was her brother, for Christ’s sake. She made her way to his place in record time and practically banged down the door, “Ash! Please, open the door!” Not one for patience (ha ha), she burst inside, slamming the door shut behind her and looking around frantically for her brother.
Ash heard her.... but couldn't find the energy to move. Or talk. Frankly... he felt like if he were to do ANYTHING... all composure would be gone.
She found him eventually, a worry line etched between her eyebrows. She expected... actually, she didn’t know what she expected, but seeing him like this just broke her heart. Since ‘I’m sorry’ just didn’t cut it, she just stood there, feeling like an idiot. After a moment, she sat down beside him. There was something... unsettling about seeing him like this.
Ash lay there, unsure of what to say to his sister. They never held anything back. Back to when their father would beat the shit out of Ash, and Patience would try to protect him... the two were almost symbiotic. "I.... I wish I was dead... instead of Lucy."
Which was why she understood that statement. She didn’t like it. In fact, she wanted to slap him for it, but... she understood. She’d willingly die a thousand times for Pat. "I know, but you’re not dead." Her eyes narrowed at him, almost sensing his thoughts. Symbiotic, almost, remember? "What are you going to do?"
"I know who did it, Patience." His voice was... well... dead sounding. No emotion. No inflection. "And I'm going to make her beg for death." It was a simple, scary statement... especially when complemented by the look in his eyes. The desperation. The seeming need to let it all out.
It was a scary statement, but she didn’t pull away from him. He was her brother, Goddammit. "Then what, Ash? Gonna end the world? Last I heard that didn’t work out for you." She wasn’t trying to be snarky, but it came out anyway. She looked away from him, starting to feel the tears burning in her eyes. She didn’t want to lose him, but she was starting to feel it in her chest.
"No... it didn't. I just want to end HER. She took my Lucy, Patience... my reason for living. My reason for... for everything." He couldn't hold it in anymore.... the tears came then. Leaving lines down his cheeks, as he felt the sobs starting.
Patience’s heart just broke then and there, and shattered into a million pieces. She’d promised herself that she’d always be there to protect him, but she couldn’t even do that. Still holding back her own tears, she lay down on the bed beside him and wrapped an arm around his midsection, just holding him. "I love you, Ash. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do." Which was a pretty open-ended statement, if you thought about it.
"She's... g-gone...." He sobbed; the tears flowing freely now, as he buried his face into her shoulder, feeling like a child again, that child who'd been beaten so savagely. "I loved her so much... I was going to s-save up... try to buy her an engagement r-ring for when she graduated..."
Trying to stay strong, she pulled him close to her, clinging tightly, as if afraid that at any moment he’d just... slip away from her. She closed her eyes at the words 'engagement ring', trying to remind herself, again, that he’d done a lot of growing up since... she’d been gone. "I wish ... it didn’t happen." Ugh, she felt lame for saying that. It was the one thing she felt he still need her for, and she was failing at it.
"She liked you, you know." He said, making sure the girl knew. "You scared the shit out of her, because of what you did to Dawn a few years ago... but she really liked you. I think she looked up to you a little." He sniffled, hugging his sister like he was afraid she'd vanish too. "Like I do."
That started the waterworks. She placed a kiss to his forehead, "Well, bitch had it coming," she joked.... but it feel flat. "I admit, I didn’t like the idea of you two ... I mean, when you told me to look out for her? I just... wanted to say 'no', but the look in your eyes, Ash. I don’t think I’ve seen anything more beautiful." And that was gone now. Forever.
He put his hand on her stomach... just sniffling again. "Take care of her... or him... just give it all the love me and Lucy would've given our own one day..." Oh god... clearly, he'd had their entire future mapped out.
"Him," she murmured, and she hadn’t told anyone this yet, but: "it’s a boy." She couldn’t stop the tears now as she placed her hand over his, holding it desperately. The way he said it just... sounded like... "Ash, please don’t leave me."
"I just... I want to kill her, Patience. And then... just die myself." He wasn't trying to be an emo mess, honest. He was just being honest. "She was my reason for living.... and she's gone."
"Nothing I’m going to say is going to make you change your mind, is it?" She sounded almost... angry, there. Liked the conversation had been played out already, with the same result. Him... leaving. “You found a reason to stay ... before. Somehow you did it.” ... The sad thing was? She felt she already knew his answer, but some sick part of her wanted to hear him say it anyway.
"I'm not gonna kill myself, Patience." God, he wanted to though. "I know what it felt like... to lose you. I'm not gonna put you through the same thing. I just... wish I was dead. I can't.... god it hurts so bad..."
Oh, good. Not what she was expecting. She gave him another squeeze and cooed in his ear, "I know it does. I’ll be here for however long you need me. Even when you don’t want me here anymore."
"You and Pat are gonna be happy together. I'm going to make sure of it." He wasn't saying it.... he knew she wouldn't understand... but as far as he was concerned? When this was over... all of his attachments were over. He was going to be ALONE.
She understood solitary more than he might have guessed, since she’d isolated herself once, but the kind of solitary he was thinking of... he was right to think she wouldn’t understand. "We are happy," she murmured as she stroked her fingers through his short peroxide blonde hair. "But you’re welcome to try to keep it that way. Keep him in line." Ye-ah, like Pat was ever going to stray. The thought did bring a faint smile to her lips.
"I love you, sis. God... I'm... I'm so broken..." He sighed, knowing he'd likely never be fixed again.
She hummed to him softly, some vague memory of doing it when they were kids coming to mind, and sighed: "I love you too, Ash. So so much."