Lexi Lane (cest_moi) wrote in britannia_ny, @ 2009-10-29 16:03:00 |
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Current location: | Of the Lake |
Current mood: | contemplative |
Current music: | The Walrus and the Carpenter |
Entry tags: | lexi lane, nathan tarn |
Of Cabbages and Kings (Nate/Lexi Sock)
It was time for a talk. Really, the talk was long overdue, but Lexi wasn't a huge fan of such things and she had put it off, hoping against hope that the situation would simply resolve itself. And at times it'd seem to. There'd be moments, days, when Lexi would breathe a sigh of relief, would feel that weight on her chest lift a little, and she'd think finally, he's gotten it.
But those were short lived. Those were followed by days just like any other, until Lexi finally just got sick of it.
Pushing the door open to Of the Lake, Lexi then locked it behind her. Nathan was in the back, probably going against every doctor's order ever while he tried to manipulate his carving tool thingy (yeah, Lexi had no idea what it was called) with his left hand, his right arm leaning against it to hold the wood steady. "Hey," he said with a brief smile, glancing over at her before returning to his work. "Need something?"
Lexi leaned against the wall, watching him. "Yeah." A beat before Lexi reached out and neatly snagged the plane from his hands. "Exactly when," she asked, meeting his startled gaze, "are you going to get your head out of your ass? Because I really had thought it'd be before now."
"Excuse me?"
"Nimue." Lexi said the name with fondness, shaking her head, and Nathan's eyebrows jumped up.
"You remember." It wasn't a question, and Lexi didn't answer, other than raising one shoulder in a shrug.
"Even I can catch on eventually, Nathan." She idly picked up a piece of scrap wood, turning it over in her hands. "So, seriously. What is all of this about?"
Heaving a sigh, Nathan sat, running his hand through his hair. "All of what, Lexi? Yes, I am Nimue. You are Lancelot. I didn't want to push you; you had enough to deal with. I figured that when you wanted to know, you would."
"And you were right." She smiled a little, looking back up at him. "I remember, Nathan. Everything. Things I wish I didn't. Things I'm glad I do. A whole life - I remember."
Reaching out, Nathan squeezed his shoulder. "Then I'm glad I waited, Lancelot."
Her hand landed on his, fingers briefly tightening on his, and she said gently, "I'm not Lancelot, Nate."
A faint look of confusion, of irritation, crossed Nathan's face and he blew out a breath. "What are you talking about? Lexi, we are both. Who we were then is who we are now."
It was Lexi's turn to sigh, both of their postures tense, familiar in the newness of the disagreement. They'd never had this conversation, no, but family fighting was the same no matter what the topic. "It was the past, Nate. I'm technically the same person I was when I was eight, too, but that doesn't mean I have the same desires or plans. It doesn't mean I need the same things, or my responsibilities haven't changed."
Nathan's mouth opened and then shut again, breathing out a laugh. He rubbed his hand over his jaw and admitted, "Yeah, I suppose that's true."
"Who I was only informs who I am today," Lexi insisted quietly. "Saying I'm the same as Lance is like saying we're all going to be eight forever. We've changed, grown. We've all lived some portion of a life since that and that's altered who we are. You're not Nimue as she was those last days any more than I am Lancelot. Things have happened since then, we've made choices, seen things, done things..." She trailed off, throwing her hands up a little. "God, Nate, I'm a girl! You're a guy! If you don't think that changes things, you're nuts."
"You're right," he said slowly, sagging back against the wall. "I just... You're right. I didn't think about it like that."
"You're not thinking much at all these days," Lexi pointed out. Nate glanced up at her, eyebrow raising, and Lexi felt that little jump of guilt, like when she'd talked back to her mother. But she wasn't a kid anymore; stifling it, she set her jaw defiantly.
"Go on," he sighed, waving his hand at her, the very picture of long-suffering. "You've obviously been thinking about this for a while. So just get it off your chest."
"You're such a martyr," she rolled her eyes, but pulled a chair over to sit, studying him. After a beat, she asked simply, "Aren't you tired yet?"
Shaking his head, Nathan started, "I don't know what-" but Lexi cut him off, reaching out to take his hand.
"Tell me what we're doing here, Nate. Tell me what's going to happen."
Another sigh and Nathan shook his head. "It's... I wanted to give you all another chance. What Arthur could accomplish - what you all could accomplish - that was too much to have it all thrown away."
"So you want to rebuild Camelot."
To hear it said like that, Nathan hesitated, face wrinkling a little as if that didn't sit quite right. "I... Yeah, I suppose. Something like that."
"So, what does that look like?" Lexi pressed. "An actual kingdom? Are we going to have a castle and take over DC with a bunch of swords and a reincarnated wizard?"
He had to laugh at that, though it was short, and shook his head ruefully. "No, I suppose not."
"You just seem so lost," she explained, squeezing his hand. "Like you've forgotten the point. I want you to remember."
A shuddering little breath before Nathan leaned back, fixing those grey eyes on Lexi. "Did any of us ever really know the point?" he asked, trying for a smile.
"You did." Leaning in, Lexi said, earnestly, "You weren't in the muck, in the blood and the dirt and the battles, not like the rest of us. You saw more. The potential. You always did."
"What did I see?"
Slim fingers rubbed over her lips as Lexi thought, a familiar gesture that made Nathan smile slightly. "I thought I understood, you know," she said after a few moments. "What we were doing. It was this grand experiment. Knights who fought for right instead of land or kings or politics. It wasn't until later, until everything else was gone, that I really got it, though. It was never about the dragons, the quests, the banners we unfurled. It was the villages that were left unburned because the dragon was gone. The hope and faith people had - we all had - in the Grail, in the ability of Arthur's knights to find it. It was the safety and freedom our people had to walk the land because of that banner, because of what it meant."
Her eyes raised to his. "Don't you see, Nathan? Camelot was never the table. It was never Arthur or me or any of that. It was what all of that meant. It was, hundreds of years later, people still speaking of it. The words still mean something, even after all of us were gone."
Nathan's gaze was unfocused, staring out the window as he listened, so intently, to her words. "They don't remember the end," he said quietly. "They remember the good. When they speak of Camelot, it's with longing. Not for the reality, but for the ideal."
"We were just men, Nimue," Lexi spoke into the quiet that followed. "Arrogant, confused, selfish, horny men. What happened? It was going to happen at some point. The players might have differed, but it would have ended. Mordred was a shit, Arthur was preoccupied, and I..." Lexi shook her head. "I was an idiot. We all had our flaws, Nimue. The table was round, we preached equality, but men are never equal. Not even in our minds. The point was, though, that we tried. And that was what captured a nation's imagination. What caught the hope of the years since."
"That's why we're back," Nathan said slowly and he smiled at Lexi. "When the hell did you get so insightful?"
"Lance two-point-oh," she grinned back. "New and improved." She paused, looking down at her hands, the smile softening slightly. "I make mistakes, Nate. Every day. But they're different mistakes. They're mine, this life's. I'm not eight anymore. None of us are."
"No," Nathan said quietly. "We are not."