I'm here Who: Andi and Gigi What: Gigi needs to talk When: Sunday Sept 1 2019 Where: Gigi's house Warning: Andi may have dropped the F bomb
Andi had not exactly been worried about Gigi. Sure, her sister was basically in a new world where there wasn't anyone to exactly catch you if you fell, but Gigi was strong. But after messaging her on Wizgram, she was starting to get the feeling that maybe her sister wasn't doing as well as she had thought. She thought with her sister buying a home and about to start a business, that things were going to be just well.
But maybe she was wrong.
As promised, she stopped by the store and bought mint chip ice cream before heading to where Gigi lived. All the while her mind skipped from Ford to Gigi and back again. She'd told Ford where she was going and that she would have her phone with her if he needed her. Of course, knowing Ford as much as she did now, she was almost positive he wouldn’t bother her unless he absolutely needed to. So much had happened in the past couple of weeks that she still wasn’t sure how to digest it all.
Today was about her sister, so as she climbed the stairs and pushed the door open - of course she wasn’t going to knock - she pushed all thoughts of Ford to the back.
“Gigi,” she called out as she closed the door, smiling as she heard Bailey barking from somewhere in the house. “I’m here...with ice cream!” and she headed to the kitchen, waiting for her sister to join her.
Bailey came tumbling down the stairs. Gigi had been slowly getting furniture into the house. There was a couch with a lovely blanket draped over the back of it. There were no longer doors on the cabinets in the kitchen and there were dishes in the cabinet bases. She had considered taking them down for floating shelves eventually. Bailey ran right to Andi and jumped up on her and barked at her in happy greeting, his little tail wagging a million miles an hour.
There was a king-sized bed up in the master bedroom that she had been curled up in most of the afternoon. She hadn’t slept well. She had horrible memories. She kept blaming herself for Robert. What could she have done better to make him happier, to make him want to stay with her? To make him only want to be with her? She came downstairs and she looked like crap. She looked hungover, but she wasn’t. She just had a headache from crying. She hated crying. She looked like a blotchy mess and she wasn’t one of those people that could cry and not get all puffy and gross.
Andi snorted with laughter at Bailey tumbling down the stairs. He was such a cute little puppy, fully of excitement and it seemed happy to see her. “Well hello there, little pup,” she said, squatting down to give Bailey some good scratches. “Guess what? Don’t tell your mum, but I bought you a treat, too,” she said and pulled out a rawhide for the pup to chew on and gave it to him.
When Bailey took off with the bone, she stood up and spotted her sister. Holy shit, she looked horrible. Andi couldn’t think of one moment in life that Gigi had ever looked so...unpolished.
This was bad. This was real bad.
“Oh Gigi..” she said softly and then moved to her sister and pulling her into a hug when she was near enough. “What is going on, darling. What has you so upset?”
She just hugged her sister tightly for a moment, hiding her face into Andi’s shoulder as she tried to get herself together enough to talk. She just stood there with her for what seemed like forever, tears soaking her sister’s shirt, the occasional hiccup the only indicator that she was taking a breath. She was actually really shaken up. It was strange the way that Thorne’s comments had made her break into a million pieces, only because it was those strange insecurities about herself. She wasn’t good enough to be friends with. She wasn’t good enough to have in someone’s bed. She didn’t belong.
“I messed it all up. I always mess everything up.” she finally mumbled against Andi’s shoulder, “I just… don’t want to be alone and I can’t… I can’t breathe.” she gasped, her emotions were choking her.
Her entire life and future that she had pictured for herself had collapsed like a house of cards in a bare breeze. She had loved Robert. She’d done everything he’d asked of her except looking the other way. She’d given everything precious to him and he had shattered her like glass. Then on top of that, mother and father had harassed her daily to tell them why she’d broken off the engagement. Her father wasn’t her father. It was all just this inverted pyramid that she’d finally let fall and it had felt like it was crushing her in it’s debris.
Andi just held Gigi for as long as she needed. Her mind raced with what could be wrong. Had their parents contacted her, made her feel horrible? Was it Robert, her sister’s horrible ex? Was it something else all together that she didn’t know about?
“What do you mean you messed it all up?” Messing up everything was Andi’s thing. It was something her parents had always told her. Thankfully she hadn’t let that get to her. “Come. Take a seat. I’ll scoop ice cream, you talk,” she murmured, rubbing her sisters back before moving her towards a place to sit. “Take a breath, slow and deep, and then let it out slowly,” she said.
Gigi sat down on the couch and put her head in between her legs to breathe in and breathe out. She felt like she was having a panic attack, which hadn’t happened since her school days. The breaths were shaky and uneven, but she slowly felt less manic. That weird tingly sensation like her arms and legs wanted to run away from her body. She just felt drained and dizzy when she sat up and leaned into the corner of her L-shaped couch with it’s comfortable soft cushions.
It was strange that since she had come to America, she hadn’t heard anything from their parents, or rather her mother and Andi’s father. She didn’t even know what that means anymore. Everything had been a lie and she’d killed herself to impress a man that saw her as nothing more than a reminder of a burden. She had tried so hard for approval that she never felt. Andi had always said that she was the perfect one and that Andi was the one they disapproved of. They both had interpreted approval very differently.
“I keep thinking back to everything and how it all imploded.” she mumbled as she pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped herself up in it.
Andi sat beside her sister, not sure she wanted to leave her side just yet. She remembered her Gigi’s panic attacks when she had just been a child, and if she were going to have one now, Andi wanted to be near.
“Oh Gigi,” she said softly. “Nothing could have changed how things happened,” she shook her head. “Mum and dad are just...horrible. Robert never loved you, he is incapable of love unless it’s himself.” She paused as Gigi pulled a blanket around herself. “I don’t know what has pushed you to this moment, but...what do you need me to do?”
“It’s stupid, but Thorne’s comment just…. I don’t know, busted the flood gates and reminded me that even my own parents don’t want me.” Gigi replied, her tone a little harsher than she intended it to be. It was more directed at herself than really being angry at her parents or at Thorne for his comment. She had just been trying to be friendly and he’d taken it somewhere else and reminded her that she wasn’t enough. He probably hadn’t meant it that way, but it was how she had taken it.
“I really loved him, Andi.” she whimpered and more tears came, “I gave him everything and he…”
She couldn’t finish the thought because she truly blamed herself. She didn’t blame him, even when she should have blamed him.
Andi had to think for a moment on what Thorne might have said. “Wait...you mean when you invited him over to watch movies or whatever?” Andi had laughed, just a little, at the comments, but she hadn’t thought any of it was serious. “Dear god, don’t let that guy mess with your head,” she shook her head. “I’m pretty sure he’s not at the top of his game right now, Gigi. His twin that he doesn’t know is dying and his own stem cells didn’t work…” she had to catch herself before her voice cracked on that, she had just found out yesterday about everything and she was still reeling from the fact that the man that she genuinely liked could very well die. “I’m sure he didn’t really mean anything by that, but even so there is so much about them that you don’t know...hell, that I don’t even know,” she frowned.
“I’m sorry about Robert,” she licked her lips. “I never knew you actually cared for him like that, I just thought you were in it because mum and dad,” she sighed to herself. “But Gi..he…” what could she say that she hadn’t already. Robert was an asshole that only cared about himself. “Gigi, what our parents did, what Robert did, what Thorne said, it’s nothing about you and everything about them. They act the way they do because that’s how they are or what is going on in their life right now, not because of you or anything you’ve done.”
Georgia pulled her legs up into her chest under the blanket and hugged them, rubbing her cheek along the blanket for a moment. “I was going to marry him, not just because mother and father wanted it. I tried to be what he needed me to be. I did what he wanted me to and I…. I had sex with him and then he turned around and cheated on me…. God I don’t even know for how long…. Is that just the way the world is? That everything just…. Cheats and ruins everything?” she asked, swallowing hard, “Mother and father cheat on each other…. And I was the result of that… and then Robert cheats on me with the fucking maid.”
She rarely cursed, but when she did, it was because she was emotional and bordering on anger, or at least close to boiling over with anger. “I was just trying to be friendly to Thorne because he had been kind enough to get me home and make sure that I didn’t lay in the middle of the pathway like an idiot after those stupid chocolates.”
Andi rubbed at the back of her neck for a moment as she listened and tried to find the right words to say. “I’m sorry, Gigi,” she said softly. “I’m sorry that you got hurt in everything that happened.” She was sorry for a lot of things, and she wondered if she would have told Gigi when she was old enough that maybe Gigi wouldn’t be so hurt now. “Mother and father…” she shook her head. “From what I have been able to find out, what I know… Father is gay. He’s done his bit to have children and do what his parents expect him to do. Mother knows. They had their children and then they have an agreement to see other people as long as it stays quiet,” she explained. “When mum became pregnant with you, they knew they would have to cover it up and say you were father’s.” And then there was Robert and she shook her head. “And Robert, well, I think he’s cheated on a few of his girlfriends if not all of them,” she shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not you. I swear it’s not. But maybe it’s time you stop trying to please others and be what they want you to be and you just be who you want to be.”
“What stupid chocolates?” It was apparent that she was out of the loop.
She groaned and hid her face into her knees for a second. Then she looked up at her sister. “I thought you had sent me some chocolates in the post as a surprise, but it turns out that it was this awful prank and they were drugged.” she admitted, “I ate a few and was wasted and sitting in the middle of the road when Thorne found me. He brought me back here and made sure that I was safe.”
“Drugged chocolates? Gigi…” Andi frowned. If she had sent her sister chocolates, she would have put a note with them, but that someone had actually sent her sisters drugged chocolates made her angry. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” she said softly. “And thank goodness someone found you who cared enough to make sure you were safe.” She would have to thank Thorne later. “You’ve had such a difficult time lately, haven’t you? I’m so sorry that I haven’t been...active in your life. But you know I’m here, right? Whenever you need me. I can’t stress that enough. You don’t have to go through anything alone.”
“I’m just glad he found Bailey and brought him back.” Gigi sighed, “I’m never getting high ever again. Never ever. That was not fun. I don’t know why people would willingly choose to put themselves into a state like that.”
She looked at the empty fireplace for a moment, “I know that you’re here, but I’m not trying to add to your troubles. You don’t need me falling apart when Ford is so sick. You need to be there for him and I can’t be selfish. I’m sorry.”
Andi smiled a little, licking her lips and ducking her head. “If you do it correctly, it can be…” she shrugged. Andi had never done anything hard, but she had smoked a few times in the past. It had been relaxing and her stress had gone, add to it that she had been able to work through some of her issues… “But it sounds what you went through was horrible, I’m sorry.”
Then she was letting out a huge sigh and she was moving to grasp her sister by the shoulders so that they were looking at each other. “Listen. Ford has a lot of people that are there for him, and yes, I'm one of those people, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you, too,” she stated. “Dammit, Gigi, you’re my sister. I love you. You’re not my half-sister, you are my sister. I don’t care who your father is or anything else. We are sisters! And I’m going to be here for you, no matter what else is going on in my life. I can do two things at once, I can worry about more than one person. Don’t push me out because you think I can’t handle it. You know me, you know how strong I can be. So stop saying you can’t be that selfish, because it’s not going to work with me. It’s not selfish needing your sister. Okay? Are you hearing me?”
Gigi took a breath as her sister confirmed that she wasn’t going anywhere. That she wasn’t going to abandon her. She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded to her sister, “I hear you.” she said, quietly. “I guess I’m just scared. I mean…. Mother and father don’t seem to want me anymore and then Robert…. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you and Geoff to not want me anymore either.” she admitted. “I’m sorry, that’s so mean, but I don’t mean it against you. Nothing against you. My brain is just messed up and my whole world turned upside down.”
She curled up into her sister’s side and rested her head on Andi’s shoulder. There was just the occasional hiccup that was evidence of her crying jag other than the puffy eyes.
“That is never going to happen, Gigi,” Andi tried to assure her. “And fuck mum and dad. They abandoned me, too,” she reminded her. “All for the same reasons as you, because we refused to play by their rules.” For Andi, it hadn’t hurt so much. She had hated her parents for years and had fought against them for most of her life, so for them to give her an ultimatum, either their way or no more ties to the family, it had been an easy choice for her. She hadn’t really realized how difficult it had been for Gigi. She wrapped one arm around her sister and stroked Gigi’s hair with her free hand. “Growing up I was always jealous of you. You were so perfect and you did everything correctly and you got their love…” she trailed off. “But no matter how jealous I might have been, you were always my sister and I’ve never stopped loving you. I’ll never give up on you, just like I won’t give up on Geoff, even if he’s still playing by their rules. Me and you against the world, okay? You are not alone, Gigi. I promise you that.”
“I think a little part of me always knew that I didn’t belong.” she mumbled to her sister, “I mean look at all the rest of you. You’re all dark-haired and I always stood out as a blonde.”
The hand petting her hair was so comforting. It was something that her nanny used to do when she was a child and had a panic attack over the smallest little thing. “I tried so hard to earn their love. I did everything they ever asked of me and father just never seemed to care for me like he did for you and Geoff. There was always a coldness there. Maybe you didn’t see it, but they were always critical. I can’t think of what they say or do to Geoff to make him so perfect, but he’s the heir. If they lose him, they lose everything. I made myself sick to get their approval…. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It’s like…. It’s gone, but I can’t get past all the years of my brain telling me that it wasn’t good enough and they were going to be displeased… that someone is going to be displeased with me.”
Andi nodded silently. She had known that her sister had had a different father at a young age, but had kept it to herself. “It has made you stand out, but I always wished I had had blonde hair like you,” she gave a small smile. “You’ve always been so gorgeous. There was once when we were really small that I wanted to snip it all off while you were sleeping,” she chuckled. “Of course I didn’t, but the idea had been there.”
She continued to pet her sisters hair, small strokes and making sure that her fingers didn’t tangle in it. She thought about their parents and how they had treated their children. “I never saw it,” she said with a frown. “I just always thought they loved you more because you were so perfect and you never did anything to displease me. I always thought you were a better Kingsland than me…” she swallowed and shook her head. “Geoff...he’s the son, the rightly heir that will always carry the Kingsland name,” she sighed. “Nothing he can do will ever be imperfect in their eyes. And even so...he has that silver tongue that can get him out of everything. Sometimes I’ve wondered if he was really playing them more than they were playing him,” which she hoped was true. “I just hope one day he leaves them as we have.”
“Gigi, you don’t have to work so hard on getting others approval,” she stated. “Just be who you want to be. I know it sounds difficult, but the reason you left home was so you could be your own person. If someone gets displeased, well that’s on them, not you,” she said. “You can’t please everyone.”
“My entire life I’ve had someone planning things for me. I just…. I’m scared that I’ll fail because I don’t know how to do it on my own. That they’ll be there in the wings, just waiting to say I told you so.” Gigi admitted to her sister, “I came here because they told me to come get you and bring you home. I’m just not exactly following orders.”
Gigi was smart and capable, but her self-esteem and self-worth had been in the toilet for so long that she didn’t know which way the bowl turned anymore. Bailey brought his bone over to mommy for him to see and she rubbed his ear lightly. He really was the best thing she’d ever done for herself. “I see Auntie brought you a treat.” she mumbled to the dog. “You’ve been a good boy, you deserve it.”
The biggest fear that Gigi had was that she wouldn’t find someone that could love her. Robert had really fucked up her head by manipulating her and making her fall in love with him. It really was all very cultured manipulation. She had been sheltered and naive. He’d been far too cunning for an innocent like her. He’d gotten everything he wanted out of her and had gotten away scot free in the end of it all because she had refused to throw him on the social pyre and watch him burn for his sins.
“Well...I could start planning things for you,” Andi teased lightly, though she knew that it wasn’t exactly a joking matter. “Seriously..I think...you need to make yourself a schedule,” she said. “Something that gives you a plan from day to day, it might make you more comfortable,” she nodded again. She had a plan now to get her sister a gift.
She continued playing with her sisters hair and then let out a small sigh. “Don’t get mad at me, Gigi, but..” she paused, unsure if she wanted to say what she was thinking. “I think you need to see a therapist,” she got out quickly. “Not because I don’t want to listen, because I do. I meant what I’ve said, I’m here for you and I’m not tossing you onto someone else, but I think it might be good for you to also talk to someone else that can maybe even help you more than I can. So that you can really talk and open up without being fearful that I’ll judge you.”
There was a soft sigh from Gigi, “I’d thought about that myself, but I also know that others aren’t supposed to know our business.” she replied, and boy did she sound like their mother in that moment. You were supposed to always present the perfect picture. You couldn’t let the world see your flaws or you’d never get anywhere in life. “But they are paid to keep it confidential.” she amended as she thought about it. “I suppose there would be some therapist in Billings that I could see, right?”
She couldn’t look at her relationships and see how they were emotionally abusive, especially Robert. She’d done everything he’d told her to do, even some demeaning things to make him happy. She’d tried to be the perfect woman and there was no such thing. She blamed herself for her failure, not him for being an asshole that wanted a trophy wife and as many side pieces as he deemed necessary. She was just supposed to stand still and look pretty.
“Nope. You are still trying to play by their rules,” Andi lightly tapped her finger against Gigi’s head. “Yes, they are paid to be confidential. I do believe there could be therapists in Billings, and if not there I’m sure there is another town nearby,” she nodded. “Would you like me to find one and set you up an appointment?”
“I’ll find someone. I promise.” Gigi replied, how long it would be to find someone that she felt comfortable with was the question. It wasn’t like she couldn’t afford it. “I’m really happy that you found this place, Andi. I want you to be happy.” she mumbled, not wanting Andi to feel bad that she had come here. Gigi had envied her sister truly for running away from all the pressure and expectations. It had just taken her a little longer to get there.
“And you promise me that you will be honest with me if my being here messes this up for you, because I don’t want that at all.” She pulled back to look at her sister seriously, “I don’t want to mess up your life here.”
“I am happy, Gigi,” Andi responded back. “And I’m happy that you’re here,” she smiled. She was maybe a sad type of happy, she wasn’t sure how much time she would have with Ford, though she hoped that his mom’s DNA would work or that they found his father, but until then she knew she was on borrowed time. “I want you to be happy, too,” she said.
She laughed at her sisters words and met her eyes. “When have you ever known me not to be honest and blunt?” She grinned. “You are not messing up my life, but if you take a piss and annoy me I will let you know for sure. For now, you’re fine and I am truly glad that you are here.”
Gigi just nodded slightly and sighed, “Can I have my ice cream now?” she asked, “Now that I can breathe?”
It might be silly, but Gigi had always been cheered up by sweets after one of her panic attacks. Fairy Bread, ice cream, cookies. She had been a little bit chubby as a child and her mother had been very critical of her physical appearance when she was younger. She shouldn’t eat unhealthy because she would be fat. There were just little niggling comments that stuck with Gigi, but right now. She wanted her ice cream and wanted her mother’s voice to take a flying leap.
Andi leaned over and gave Gigi a kiss on the cheek. “Of course you can,” she answered. “A bowl full of ice cream coming right up,” she grinned and then stood to her feet. She hoped that her sister took what Andi had said to heart. She loved her and didn’t mind being there for her. She wasn’t alone. But with that thought, she decided she would start making sure to check on Gigi constantly and just checking in to make sure that she knew Andi was there.