Who: Cate Adler and Kent Brightstar What: Clearing the air and making things clear When: Thursday, June 6, 2019 | just after 3 am Where: The Crimson Kestrel, then Kent's bunkhouse room Warnings: Feels & Foreplay
Cate rushed through her nightly duties as quickly as possible, knowing that Kent was supposed to be there at any time. She used runes that hadn't been touched in years, speeding up even the smallest, laziest of things, so that she had time to do the money counting and paperwork. It wasn't until she reached the end of it and was finally still that she realized just how jittery she was. It was difficult to tell whether it was nerves or excitement, or where one ended and the other began.
She'd bent down to retrieve her phone from the shelf below the bar when she heard the knock at the door. Her heart leapt into her throat, and her lips spread into a smile when a glance confirmed that it was him. She practically soared across the bar, phone and jacket in hand, unlocked the door, and had him pulled into a kiss without even a polite greeting.
Even while a puff of surprised air left his nose, Kent's arms came around her automatically and practically snatched her closer. Of all the greetings he'd been expecting, this was very much near the bottom of the probability spectrum. Although she'd said she wasn't mad, Kent had still come prepared to face the music—even if it was a funeral dirge. Of course, having her here, so present and warm and clearly glad to see him, went a huge way in convincing him that maybe, just maybe, she'd actually meant it. He clutched at her back, practically bent over her in his need to be against her. The only reason he pulled away even a little was his need to think straight enough not to splinch them while he disapparated. He was absolutely breathing a little hard when he did put that tiniest crack of distance between them. "Hi. And hold on."
The turn was easy enough, and they popped into his room completely unscathed. He gave her exactly three seconds—counted them in his head—before taking her face in his hands and descending for another long kiss. They weren't talking yet, obviously, but he knew it was coming. This was not a delay tactic; this was simply Kent's desire to kiss his girlfriend.
"Hi," Cate said, soft and breathless, and twisted in his arms to do the quick job of sticking the key in the door and locking up. That done, the key went into her pocket and that arm around his neck. She clung to him, using those few seconds before and after he apparated to catch her breath, and then she moved for him again, meeting his mouth halfway. There were so many words to describe so many feelings, but some of them were far easier to express like this. Even as the kiss seemed about to end, she pulled him in for another, and another, until she finally jerked away, for fear that she'd never be able to stop if she didn't.
Almost immediately, she was in his arms again, nuzzling her face into his throat and murmuring, "I love you." She repeated it against his pulse and again under his ear. "I should have told you sooner. There was never a good time, but I should have anyway." The words turned into kisses against her intent, and she had to drag herself back again, this time only enough to look up at him. "I hope you know that's why I was so upset. It wouldn't matter so much if I didn't feel so much."
He was absolutely getting drunk on those three words. They settled in his head in a pleasant buzz, similar but not identical to the feeling he'd gotten when Tony had said them to him just the night before. Kent returned the kisses where he could, but it was more a slow drag of lips and a teasing, tasting tongue to the side of her neck. His room wasn't exactly palatial, so getting them both to his bed really only took a handful of steps. There was a pause, however, just before he lowered them both, and his brows knit together in confusion. Something in the way his brain was translating didn't make sense. "You're upset… because you love me?"
Cate gave him a scrunched up look. "What?" It took her a minute to see how he'd gotten there, probably because she was half-gone on kisses and not really getting any quality brain at the moment. "God, no. I was upset about you not telling me about Fitz until the morning."
She sank back onto the bed, using her grip on his hips to drag him with her. She stretched out on her back, head on the pillow and gazing up at him. She reached for him, running her fingers lightly through the hair at his temple. Now that she was here, she really wasn't particularly in the mood to talk...but she pushed forward while the subject was out there. "It's hard for me, the fact that you and Tony can be each other's first and quickest call when something is wrong." She forced herself not to drop her eyes from his. "It makes sense that you are. I wouldn't want either of you to be without support when you needed it. It's just...when you wait so long after, it feels like I'm an afterthought. Like, because I can't apparate and just be there, then why do I matter?"
Cate pressed her fingers to his lips, fending off any immediate replies. While she felt a lot better after talking—and not talking—to Tony, the insecurities hadn't gone away in a few hours, and it still hurt to express it. She wanted to get it all out at once. "I know you don't mean it that way. Probably never even considered it in that light. Tony hadn't. And I know it's silly, but...." She bit her lip and dropped her hand, her chest surprisingly tight again after that recitation.
The more Cate talked, the worse Kent felt. He'd already figured he was on the way out with her for a vast majority of the day, but now he realized what an absolute garbage human he was. On some level, he'd considered all of her points already, or they'd glanced through his thoughts at one point or another. It wasn't necessarily that he'd dismissed them, but he'd definitely not devoted the amount of time or attention to them that he really should have, nor had he ever stopped to ask Cate directly how all of this was affecting her.
He'd kept himself very carefully over her, watching her face, her movements, and for once let his own reactions play out over his face: growing horror and the deepest remorse. His throat closed up, made it difficult to swallow, and when he did speak, it came out in a croaking whisper. "It's not silly. And you're right; I may not have meant it that way, but that didn't stop me. God, Cate, I'm such an asshole, and I'm so sorry. It's not like we didn't talk about this just a couple of weeks ago, and yet here we are. Here I am, falling back into the same patterns. I don't even know if I'm being selfish at this point. Hell, I don't know what I'm doing nine-tenths of the time. I'm really bad at this, and it's hurting you, and I'm so, so sorry. I never meant for that to happen, but I just keep fucking up."
A flash of self-directed annoyance twisted his face into a grimace. "Fuck, I'm doing it again. Making this about me and my stupid feelings. I'm not—I'm not looking for sympathy or expecting it, and I should just stop making excuses and do better. You deserve better. You deserve the best. You're incredible, Cate, and it makes me want to hex myself to think that I keep hurting you. I want to be what you deserve, I want to be worthy of the love that you and Tony have for me, I just don't—I don't know how."
Cate couldn't help it. There was a part of her that couldn't help being vindicated at his expressions of guilt, at knowing that maybe her reaction hadn't been as overly dramatic as it had felt at times. But it was only a flash, and the feelings that won out were love, sympathy, and a hint of sadness. She stroked his cheek with one hand as he spoke, needing that soft touch to reassure her and, hopefully, him too. "You're not really bad at this," she said once he'd finished. "Most of the time, you're very good at this. This was just one moment in a whole host of moments. Tony made me realize that I hadn't actually explained it to either of you. I'm not even sure I fully understood it myself in a way I could vocalize. I'm going to do better with that, and with trying not to be insecure about something I can't control."
She smiled up at him, and though there was still a tinge of sadness in the expression, it was mostly hopeful. Her hands dropped to his hips. "This is about our feelings, baby." She stopped, and her face screwed up like she'd tasted something sour. "Sweetheart." This word she said more tentatively, and still the expression remained. "Honey?" That one got the worst expression of all, and then she burst out giggling. "God, Tony makes it sound so pretty, but it just sounds dumb when I say it." The laugh settled into something softer. "No hexing yourself. I happen to love you, occasional flaw and all."
Despite lingering feelings of utter inadequacy, Kent couldn't help but laugh as well, head falling into the crook of her shoulder. "Right? Words just sound better in his mouth. Like they fit there. I try it too—those pet names—but they're just…bad." He lifted up again, but not without a couple of lingering kisses to her throat because he just couldn't help himself. "Would you settle for 'love'? Or I could just whisper your name." His lips brushed the shell of her ear as he did just that, infusing it with all the feelings he had for her. He stayed close, voice low and maybe a little tentative. "And you could say mine. My first name. Or any part of my name. Did… did Tony tell you anything else? About last night?"
Cate made pleased little noises as he kissed her neck, gasping a little as he did the same to her ear. "You can call me anything you want if you keep doing that. But your first name? Like, Samael? Really?" She would have given him another of her screwed up expressions, but she wasn't going to move away from him now, with his lips doing such pretty things. She slid her hands from his hips to his waist, under his shirt so that they could slide across the skin of his back. "He told me that he loved you. Some other things, too, but that was the important part. That, and...."
She freed one of her hands to touch his face again, this time with pressure intent on stopping his kisses for long enough that she could look into his eyes again. "Since today's the day for clearing the air, I want to make sure you understand this, too. Tony and I...our relationship isn't the same as me and you, or him and you. I care about him, enjoy his company, and think he's sexy as hell." She laughed softly at that, her thoughts automatically going back to their time in the Kestrel's office. "But it wouldn't be what it is without you in the picture. You're the glue here. So get it through your head right now, Dr. Brightstar: you are stuck with both of us for the foreseeable future." She leaned in and kissed him. "It'll take a lot more than some hurt feelings and misunderstandings to change that, my love." She smiled as that endearment sat a lot easier on her tongue.
He blinked at her, caught a little off guard. He'd wanted to tell her what it was like when they said his name, how it burned across his mind, made him want to curl around them both and never let them go. But it shunted off to one side as he processed their side of things, first having heard it from Tony, and now Cate. They might not love each other—not romantically, at least—but they did love him. It was nearly incomprehensible. The way she was holding him wouldn't allow him to lean down and kiss her, but he turned his face and caught her palm instead, kissing it as he closed his eyes tightly against the intensity of the feeling inside of him.
"I want that. I want that so desperately that I don't know what to do with it most of the time. And I know we keep saying we should all talk about these things, but I don't have the words. Fuck, half the time, I don't even have the thoughts. I just know how much I love you, and even that—God, especially that—those are just words. I want to be there for you. I want to do everything with you. And you should know that all you have to do is ask. If it's in my power, I'll do it. If it's not in my power, I'll find a way." Kent paused to make his own face. "This is starting to sound creepy and stalkerish. Sorry. I just mean… Look, words are stupid. And I'm still sorry. For all of it. For Fitz, for always calling Tony. I'll do better, I promise."
"Even if it's insufficient, or even if it sounds creepy, I still like to hear the words. I like it when you try. I guess it's the effort more than the content." Cate ran her fingers through his hair, enjoying the way it stuck up and conjured images of waking up next to him. "Is there anything else we need to talk about, while we're getting it all out there? Fears, dreams, wants, needs, plans...any of it?" They'd talked a little bit about big, possibly implausible dreams, but she was curious about the real ones. "Did you know that it's been three months since you first told me you loved me? And almost three months since you suggested we try this crazy thing we're doing."
He considered something else he'd discussed with Tony, something that hewed more with dreams and wants, but uncertainty kept him from voicing it just yet. Instead, he glommed on to that last bit. Kent laughed softly, eyes widening with pleasant surprise. "Has it really? Seems like just yesterday. Most days I still can't quite believe I was brave enough to even broach the topic, let alone harbor any real expectancy that you both might say yes." He leaned down to kiss her, slowly and tenderly. His touch was featherlight against her neck and across her collarbone and over her shoulder. "But you asked about fears. I guess a part of me was…is living all of this on the expectation that I'm going to do or say something to fuck all of this up, to make it not worthwhile anymore for either of you to keep wanting to do this, to—to be with me.
"But dreams? Far-fetched wants and needs and plans? We'd all have a place together. Close enough that Tony would be close to baby W, you'd be close to family, and I could keep working at the Reserve. But it would just be for us. A little world where it's just the three of us. That's what I want, but it's...not what I expect." He kissed the side of her throat, because he couldn't stand the burn of his face right now. "I'm not trying to be self-defeatist, nor is this a pathetic grab for sympathy. I'm not even sure it's being a realist, because I'm not so arrogant as to believe I know what's in your thoughts and hearts. I just know that there's this voice inside me that insists that I don't deserve the kinds of things you've already given me."
"Oh, Kent," Cate said softly, running her hands down his shoulders and around to his back, holding him close as he buried his face in her neck. She slid one of her legs over his, toeing off her shoes and kicking them off the bed so that she could run her feet along his calves. "I can't speak for Tony, obviously, but for me...how long have we been friends? Fifteen years? Longer? We've had ups and downs, and times we were closer than others, because of school and everything. But there's never been a time that I've stopped caring about you." She pressed a kiss to the side of his head. "And this is far, far more than that. If we ended this, it wouldn't be because of one mistake, or even two or three. I love you too much to let you go that easily."
She wondered if this was how Tony had felt this evening, when she'd essentially poured her heart out to him. It was anguish to hear that he struggled with these things, to think that she could have contributed to any of his fears, and yet the fact that he was telling her gave her hope more than anything. "I don't know what the future holds for us. I mean, it's been a miracle that we've figured things out this far, I think. I have to confess that I haven't really let myself think as far ahead this time around as I might have otherwise. You should know me well enough to know that I usually have my wedding venue and bridesmaids picked out by now." It was a slight exaggeration, but not much. "But I really like the sound of those dreams. I could see myself in them. I don't think it's bad to have them, either. Even if they don't turn out quite that way."
Cate pushed at his shoulder and twisted her body in an attempt to roll them, so that she could get his face in front of hers again. She pressed her forehead to his and closed her eyes. "As for what you deserve...that voice inside your head is wrong. You deserve everything good. And any of it that's in my power to give, it's yours. For as long as you want it."
In that moment, on his back, shoulders pressed into his own blankets and head against his own pillows, Kent couldn't have even said what it was that was making him tremble like he was. A part of him was so annoyed at himself that he'd somehow turned the topic of conversation back onto himself and not Cate, because it was her feelings that were the exact reason she'd come over in the first place. Rather than voice this, however, he reached up and slipped his hands against both sides of her face, to hold her there as she'd held him before. It stilled something noisy inside of him, to hear her reassurances about her own vision of her future, of their future, and that it wasn't the stupidest thing in the world to imagine that they could keep this. He'd already said so much, so now he only wanted to say this: "I love you." And he wanted to just keep saying that, so he said it again as he brought her lips down to kiss her, "I love you."
Cate smiled as she went easily into the kiss, bracing herself against his chest. She might have called him on his very short reply to her speech, given their topics of discussion, but he'd already expressed far more than was typical for him, and she wasn't there to force change. The emotion in his eyes as he spoke and the way his heart pounded under her hands told a far more complex story behind those three little words that had such big meaning. For a moment, she just kissed him, a slow caress of lips and tongues, nuzzling of noses, and murmuring of endearances where only the occasional word was intelligible.
She drifted toward stillness again, slowing until her lips rested just above his, nearly touching. "I love you," she returned, and even though she'd said it several times to him already, it felt different this time, like before she'd been trying to shout it over a wall, but now she was actually standing in the same room with him. "And if it's in my power to make any of your dreams come true, I will do it."
After giving him one more lingering kiss, she sat up and rolled off of him until she was off the bed and standing just next to it. One hand on her hip, she gave him a playful look. It wasn't until she was there that her mind flashed back to what Tony had said—I like seeing him with you, how he looks at you, how much you brighten him up.—and that only made her smile bigger. "But enough serious thoughts for the night, because I know you've been extra serious all day. What do you think? Ready to get some rest?" She paused for a second, raising an eyebrow for effect. "Or is there anything I can do to help settle that overactive brain of yours?"
"Cate." Her name was a low, breathless, and plaintive sound. Kent sat up as well, and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Instead of standing, however, he reached out and hooked an arm around her waist, hauling her back to him. After burying his face in her stomach, he looked up. His chest was a pleasant ache, and his thoughts swirled around more pleasurable topics. Sometimes all that encyclopedic knowledge could be put to less scholarly effect. "Stay. Help me settle some more. There are so many things we can do, and I want to do them all. Resting can come later."
Cate ran her hand through his hair as he leaned on her, ruffling it even further and enjoying the texture of it in her fingers. "Oh, I'm staying. That's not in question," she assured him. She opened her mouth to tease him further, but decided to take pity on him, given how much of a guilt trip she knew he'd been giving himself all day. Instead, she wiggled herself out of his grasp and took half a step backwards, then pulled her shirt over head. She tossed it lightly at him, not-quite laughing as she said, "Helping yet?"
He caught the shirt easily and set it carefully and neatly aside, a smile slowly forming on his face. With the same movement that brought him to his feet, he pulled off his scrub top, although he took far less care in tossing it toward his closet. The bottoms had worked themselves loose, and now hung dangerously low on his hips as he took the whole step it would take for him to be standing against her, hands on her hips and thumbs moving against the smooth skin of her waist. He gazed down at her, eyes dark with desire and promise. Kent's voice was a rumble in his chest. "Definitely helping."
Cate tilted her head to one side as she looked up at him, eyes slightly narrowed even as her lower half leaned into him without any real thought to the movement. "Something is still not quite right," she said, as if trying to puzzle out a mystery. She gave him an appraising look, up and down, and finally ended with her eyes somewhere around his waist. She hooked her thumbs into his scrub bottoms and tugged them down, moving away just enough to allow them to drop before she danced backward out of his grasp again. "That's better." Her smile was a bit too close to laughter to really be smug, but it was close as she gave him another once over. She unbuttoned her jeans and tugged those off, too, once again tossing them his direction. "I still feel like we're missing something, though."
Again, with the catch and the careful neatness with her jeans as well, his smile growing into a grin. His own pants were kicked unceremoniously to join the top; the shoes and socks were toed off as well with similar treatment. He took another step forward. She was dangerously close to a wall now—his room was rather narrow—and her escape route was beginning to vanish. "What, praytell, are we missing?" He let himself have a slow drag of his gaze down her body before coming back up again. "Or not missing, in this case."
"Well," Cate started, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth as she enjoyed both the view of this man in front of her and his proximity. She could tell he was catching onto the game now, because she wasn't yet in his arms again, and that was thrilling in and of itself. She idly dragged one of her bra straps over her shoulder so that it drooped on her upper arm. "I gather that, for some reason, nakedness is helping you settle." The other bra strap followed, and her look was coy as she kept her eyes evenly on his, despite her hands reaching back to fiddle with the clasp. "But what I'm missing is what you plan to do with it."
In one smooth movement, she pulled off her bra, tossed it at him, and ducked down and to the side to dash past him, back toward the center of the room. She couldn't hold back the giggling now, except to press one hand to her mouth to keep it from flaring into something bigger.
He plucked the garment out of the air and used those same deliberate movements to deposit it with the others, though he was further away. Maybe there was a touch of subtle magic at play. It was arresting, watching her like this, teasing and playful, so full of light that sometimes he worried he might eclipse her. But she was right. Each revealing pass of new skin was slowing the gears in his brain. He advanced on her again, and this time his thumbs hooked on the waistband before he tugged them down. Kent followed their movement with his own body, until he was kneeling in front of her. His lips trailed over her knees as he urged both one leg up and then the other, completely freeing her of the last of her clothing, and then going higher to her thighs. He caressed the backs of them, going up and up, following the same path as his mouth on the other side. "I have plans, my love. My plans have plans."
Cate let out a shaky breath at the feel of his lips on her legs, all at once feeling wobbly and like she might float away. Without any real thought, she took half a step back and managed to topple at least somewhat gracefully back onto the bed. She ran her hand over his hair, caressing rather than tousling, and her thumb down the shell of his ear. "Well, in that case," she said, a bit breathlessly, "looks like we're not missing anything at all."