InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "they call me lil speedy!!"

Anna Milton (littlemiracle_) wrote in brightlightlogs,
@ 2010-02-12 19:01:00

Entry tags:

anna milton, castiel

Who: Anna and Castiel
What: Woe.
Where: Casa de Sadness
When: Nowsville

Anna had no real idea what had happened to her, surfing the journal network had clued her in enough, and to say she was shocked by what she'd seen was putting it lightly. Once she'd managed to get herself up to speed, she saw that Dean Winchester had died. Her heart broke, he'd done everything he could to help her, he'd agreed to help her stand up to Heaven's orders, because it was the right thing to do. He had been brave and she felt lucky to know him.

She also understood crushing grief, she had just lost her parents after all. The urge to find Castiel, who was apparently human now, was so great that there was really no argument at all. They'd been close when she was here before. And she remembered they'd known each other well in all the time they'd spent working together before her Fall. She knew he had to be lost, and she wondered if her presence would be a help or a hindrance. There was only one real way to find out.

She called a cab and gave the driver the address to where the Winchesters and Castiel were living. She got out, paid the driver, and as he drove off she wondered if this wasn't a good idea. Who was she to just barge in on this family's grief? Then it occurred to her, Castiel was technically her family. And if he needed her, then she needed to be there for him.

She sucked it up and knocked on the door. She was surprised to see someone she didn't know at all answering the door, it was a very tall kid. She smiled gently, asked for Castiel and got shown to his room. The house was huge, like...ostentatious huge. The kind of place only really rich people lived in, but she had to chuckle lightly at all of the people, and blow up mattresses and just stuff that was strewn about. A very tall blonde girl who looked physically ill nodded at her and said hello to her by name as she hurried in a different direction of the house. She had no idea who that was but it was obvious the "other Anna" had met her before. It made it slightly less awkward just showing up out of the blue.

She stood outside the door that was apparently Castiel's and she knocked lightly.

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iwontasktwice
2010-02-13 08:06 am UTC (link)

Nobody was dealing. Castiel was both disappointed and relieved. Disappointed because he had been prepared to offer up his own life for Dean's. Relieved because Joanna couldn't do the same. Their meeting at the crossroads had been awkward, to say the least, and he was fully aware they had both been idiots and that Dean would have strangled both of them had it worked. But it hadn't. So they were back at square one.

And square one was that Dean was gone. Dean was gone and his brothers were gone, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. The emotions swimming inside him were overwhelming, and more than once he considered taking the crystal with his grace inside and smashing it so he could return to feeling numb. But it stayed on a cord around his neck, untouched. He had made his choice, and he would not dishonor Dean by turning away from this very human pain.

When he came back to the house, Finn mentioned that a redhead had come to see him and that he had sent her up to his room. Cas's breath caught even as he nodded his thanks, and he headed up quickly. Even if she wasn't his Anna, he felt a little better in the knowledge that Anna was here. He didn't even think about the box in his hand, a testament to what he had tried to do, but it was lucky he didn't run into Sam or John or Mary...or any of the others who would recognize the significance.

"Anna," he said, when he saw her standing at his door, his voice catching slightly on her name. He wanted to break then, but he wouldn't let himself. He knew he was nothing like she remembered. He was tired and it showed, he hadn't shaved in a couple days and he'd given up the holy tax accountant look for a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a jacket Dean had given him.

And she...looked the way she always had. Beautiful.

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littlemiracle_
2010-02-13 08:38 am UTC (link)

She was startled to hear his voice come from somewhere other than behind the door she'd just knocked on and she turned quickly. What she was faced with was certainly not what she'd remembered at all and she was at a loss for words for a moment while she just took in the sight of him.

She finally looked away, a bit embarrassed that she'd just stood there with her mouth open, "Castiel I..." she started to say. "I wanted to be here in case you needed me," she said finally banking on honesty. "I don't know what I can do, or why I thought it was a good idea, but I felt like I should come."

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iwontasktwice
2010-02-13 01:13 pm UTC (link)

It took Cas a moment to respond. Even though she wasn't the Anna that he had fallen in love with here, she was still Anna. The fact that, in spite of her own history with him and the time she had come from, she had come here for him, meant more to him than he could really express. He let go of the tight hold he had on his emotions and let some of the pain and weariness he was feeling show.

"Thank you," he said softly, with a small smile. "That...it means a lot to me." He sighed. "I'm glad you weren't here," he admitted after a moment. "I'm not sure what I would have done if you had been here and something had happened to you. It was...a complete mess." There were no others words for it.

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littlemiracle_
2010-02-13 09:11 pm UTC (link)

Anna nodded once at him, she couldn't really describe how she was feeling, any nervousness she was feeling about seeing Castiel again was gone when she actually saw Castiel. She was sad for him, she was sad for everyone in this house and everyone who's life Dean had touched. But she'd known Castiel longer than all of them, and he was her main concern right now.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't here to help you, I don't know what I possibly could have done in this condition, but I feel terrible for what I've walked into. I don't really know what's going on, but I am so sorry Castiel. I know that the emotions are probably so much heavier than anything you can imagine, but I'm here now. And I'll be here as long as you want me to be."

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iwontasktwice
2010-02-14 12:23 am UTC (link)

Honestly, seeing Anna lifted a weight that Castiel hadn't even realized he was carrying. He had been worried about her, on top of everything else, wondering if she was all right and not knowing what had happened to her in their own reality. Having her here, and safe, filled him with an overwhelming sense of relief.

"Don't apologize, Anna," he told her gently. "It is hardly something you could control. These Zenner people, whoever they are, seem capricious in their whims. That you're back, even if you don't remember being here before, is comfort enough." He smiled wryly and shook his head. "And as for your condition, it is one we share. Michael gave me back my grace, but...I can't bring myself to take it back. I like being able to feel what humans do. I don't know that I could go back to what I was. Does that make me selfish, Anna? I know that I could be of more help to these people as I was, but...I am so conflicted." He needed her guidance, or possibly just her affirmation that he was allowed to choose something for himself without putting everyone else first.

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littlemiracle_
2010-02-14 05:33 am UTC (link)

Of all the things Anna had thought of over both of her lifetimes, standing here in a hallway as a human, with a human Castiel in front of her, was not something that she had ever prepared for. It wasn't even in the realm of possibility. And yet here they were.

"It's almost addicting, I mean, growing up I didn't really realize the difference. But now that I can remember both, I'll take the hurt and the pain over the alternative. And you can be a help to these people without the powers of heaven behind you," she said honestly. "It doesn't make you selfish because you want something for your self. People who care about you are always going to want you to do what is best for you."

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iwontasktwice
2010-02-14 05:53 am UTC (link)

"It is," Cas agreed. "I never knew what it was like and now...they feel so much...and...I don't know how to handle all of it. Especially right now." He felt like he was choking on the mix of emotions he was currently experiencing. "Michael and Lucifer...whatever they did...they were our brothers and now they're gone. And Dean is gone and-"

He cut himself off, not wanting to bother Anna with his feelings. "Nobody's dealing," he said instead. "I told Joanna I would do everything I could to get Dean back...they're married and she is expecting...and I promised her I would...but nobody's dealing. We can't get him back and I..." He looked at the floor and his shoulders shook. He'd been strong so that others could break, and he was tired of putting so much effort into not falling apart. "Is it always so hard, Anna?" Was feeling always such a wretched, painful thing?

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littlemiracle_
2010-02-14 06:30 am UTC (link)

She wanted to hug him, that was her first instinct. She was still very human; regardless of what she remembered and someone she'd been so close with and cared so much for was hurting. It called for a hug, but she didn't want to scare him off either. "It's a horrible empty ache, I know Cas," she said softly.

She raised her eyebrows when he said no one was dealing, when the full weight of that statement settled on her she closed the distance between them and she put her hands on his shoulders, "Castiel, a lecture after the fact is no good, but a big part of learning these emotions is learning that losing someone is letting them go. And no, it's not always this hard. I promise, it just takes time, and patience. It does get easier, it's just awful right now and it feels like you might drown under it, but you won't. I promise."

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iwontasktwice
2010-02-14 04:14 pm UTC (link)

A hug definitely wouldn't be unwelcome. He'd had Jess come to him more than once already, asking for hugs, and he found them comforting. Add to that the fact that he had been close with Anna, and found her presence more soothing than anyone else's, and it was a logical action. "Dean had faith in me," he said, almost more to himself than to Anna. "He believed in me in a way nobody else did, and he helped me become a better person...he was family...more than the angels ever were." With the obvious exception of his present company. "He shouldn't have died like he did. Where is the justice in that? Where is God's mercy? Where is our Father in all of this?" His faith had been shaken by everything that had happened, and that was possibly the most devastating part of this. Through everything, he had always had his faith. Now he didn't know what, if anything, he believed. Maybe they were all right. Maybe God was dead and he had been a fool to ever think otherwise.

He looked down at the floor, uncomfortable with letting her see his weakness. "I know that it was stupid and reckless and that Dean would swear a blue streak if he knew we tried," he told her, "but they need him. He was the one who held everyone together. I promised him that I would look after them but...I don't think I can. I'm not strong enough, Anna. I'm not like him. I wish I was, but I'm not." The gentle pressure of her hands broke something he was holding on to, the simple comfort more than he could bear. He leaned into her, resting his forehead against her shoulder. "I don't know what to do anymore, Anna. Tell me what I'm supposed to do. Please."

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littlemiracle_
2010-02-14 09:00 pm UTC (link)

Anna didn't have any answers for him, she didn't know where God was, it was the reason she'd fallen in the first place. She didn't know how to explain anything to him, she believed that if God was still around that He was merciful, and that He did love them, she just wondered if He wasn't as lost as the rest of them. "I don't know." She said honestly. "I wish I did."

She wrapped her arms around him, and her heart broke when he started looking to her for direction, she didn't know if she was qualified to give him direction anymore. Things weren't the same, but he was counting on her, and she didn't know if she had any answers at all. "Cas," she whispered. "You're supposed to carry on," she answered. "And if you don't think you're strong enough then you find someone who is and you let them help you carry it for a while. And then it doesn't seem so heavy. But every person in the world is stronger than they think they are. It might hard to have faith in God right now, but you need to have faith in yourself. And everything you've gone through already, the decisions you've made on your own and...I always had faith in you, and now its stronger than it ever was. You can do this, and if you need someone to be strong for you, I can do that."

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