james wilson-house is married to his best friend (doctorenabler) wrote in brightlightlogs, @ 2010-01-19 16:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | gregory house, james wilson |
Who: Gregory House and James Wilson
What: A talk after their wild time with Andy about the status of their relationship.
Where: Their house.
When: The morning after their night with Andy.
Rating/Status: PG-13 for some sexual discussion.
Wilson woke up when the sun started to shine through his window, and it took at least a few blurry moments before the events of last night - and early this morning - crashed into him. Brown eyes opened wide and he stared up at the ceiling, just taking in the flashes of memories and squelching the few jumps of panic before they made him too jittery. When Andy left after they were done, he somehow managed to crawl back to his bed, insistent on not staying with Greg until they had "the talk" to figure things out. He sat up and felt the protests of his muscles, worn out and sore from the wild night, and it just made him smile. Wow. That was one helluva night. He didn't even drink enough to get a hangover, but he did feel like his head was heavy. Maybe there was too much inside of it. Wilson was a thinker. A worrier. There were about two hundred different things for him to get frantic about this morning, and he wearily told himself to wait until there was coffee at least.
A good hour later, with pancakes on the stove and coffee in hand, he felt buzzed and energetic. Around the house Wilson was comfortable in sweats and a simple white t-shirt, padding around without socks and with dark hair still damp from his wake-me-up shower. He still looked properly rumpled and tousled from the night before, which was just fine with him; he couldn't do it every night, but once and awhile? Not a bad idea. There were a few noticeable marks on his neck, and more than a few elsewhere on his body. He wasn't sure who each one was from, but it made him smile in the mirror anyway. He hadn't checked in with House yet, though, so as friendly as he was to Andy on the net system it all depended on his friend. Wilson didn't like to admit that most of his decisions passed one way or the other through House first, because it gave the diagnostic doctor too much power over him, but it was generally true. If he really cared he would make a stand and do his own thing, but he didn't mind following House's lead on a few things.
He was reading the local paper and on his second cup of coffee when he heard movement from House's room, hopping up to check the pancakes in the oven. He'd kept them there so they would be warm when his friend eventually got up, and now he pulled them out, setting them on the table. The only outward display of his nervousness was the light tapping of his bare foot on the wooden floor, and the way he kept rustling the newspaper.
House had woken up disconcertingly alone. He'd been vaguely awake when Andy had left, so that wasn't the problem, but James was gone too. So either the other man was being an idiot and thinking he wasn't welcome in Greg's bed, which was entirely possible, or he was already regretting last night. House sincerely hoped that it was the former and not the latter. James being an idiot, he could deal with. Rejection? He wasn't sure how he would handle that. It had become something of a constant in his life, but Wilson had always been there, and he felt a little sick at the idea that he might have finally driven away the most important person in his life. For a while, he couldn't bring himself to leave the bed, not wanting to have the conversation if it was going to go badly. He hadn't wanted a vicodin as much as he did in that moment in months, but he felt like somehow it would kill the panic he was feeling along with the ache in his leg. Everything else was pleasantly sore, but his leg was definitely punishing him for the night before. Finally, he checked his PDA and allowed the conversation with Andy and James to put him more at ease. He dragged himself out of bed, leaning heavily on his cane, and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower. It was definitely necessary after the night they'd had. It was quick, but gave him enough time to think things over and stop panicking. James had probably just been an idiot. He hoped.
He walked into the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee, standing at the counter and drinking it slowly. Then he turned around and spoke. "So," he said casually, as if he were talking about the weather and not some grand realization about his love life, "somewhere along the way, you became the most important person in my life. I mean...I was disappointed that Cuddy didn't want to be with me, sure, but not really bothered. Not like I thought I'd be anyway. And I mean...I thought I was in love with her. I do that a lot. I figured it made sense. She was a lot like Stacy, but she accepts me the way I am...but the more I think about it, the more I sort of get that I was just pissed off that this thing we've had for years was over. And she'd picked someone else." He shrugged, refilling his coffee cup. "She could have been anyone. She really could have. But you? When I thought you could possibly die...hell, when I woke up this morning and thought you might regret last night, I couldn't handle that. You're the one person I can't lose. You're the one person I'd probably change for if they really asked...but you won't ask. So...somewhere in the years we've known each other, I fell in love with you. It just took me a while to figure it out."
He moved over to the table and sat down, looking at James curiously. "You said there were pancakes?"
Wilson played it as nonchalant as possible when he heard House come out, and after a quick dart of dark eyes over the paper at him, he felt stupid for not thinking of his leg. Of course last night must have been a lot for him. He wanted to offer him something for the pain, to make it all better, but that was no longer an option. He was no longer House's enabler, and House was now a recovering addict. That didn't stop him from feeling concern for his friend, as if House's pain was his own, but he kept his mouth shut instead of fussing. Wilson glanced up fully when House began to talk, and then set the paper down altogether when he really started to talk. He couldn't remember a time that House was ever so honest with him, at least not in such a long, direct way, but then again after last night there was no more games really to play. Wilson was never good at hiding his thoughts, the surprise clearly stamped over his face, but he was spellbound. "I didn't regret last night," he managed to blurt out first. That probably wasn't the most important part of what was going on, but it did come to him quicker. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to stay."
Still processing everything, James scooted the plate of pancakes at him. It was a fairly big stack, enough for both of them, but he had set an extra plate out for Greg when he woke up. James was considerate like that, and he took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. Greg loved him. In love. With him. A part of him was still so uncertain and he wasn't sure why; Greg lied, but rarely to him. And not about this. "I knew there was something ... more between us for a long time. My wives obviously did too, since you were a major part of both divorces, if not the complete point." Cheating was the real problem, but that stemmed from his dissatisfaction, and he never could seem to get it right. "When I first dated Amber, I knew. I loved her," this part was more difficult to say, "mostly because she was like you. The things I loved about her were what I loved about you, but I didn't think you'd ever ...." He did love Amber, and he grieved her still. He hoped admitting that didn't make him an asshole. Brown eyes dropped to the table, and then when they moved up to House again he was smiling. "I'm in love with you."
Well that just felt ... freeing. James actually laughed. "That only took years to say. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"
"Yeah, well, you're an idiot." House never sugarcoated anything. "Of course I wanted you to stay. I would have told you to leave if I didn't." And he would have. He'd never been the kind of guy to concern himself with hurting people's feelings. He cared more with Wilson than almost anyone else, and he would never push enough to completely drive him away, but he wasn't going to lie to him where feelings were concerned. Sparing his feelings in the short run would only hurt him in the long run, and he wouldn't risk that. He didn't bother with the second plate, just taking a bit of pancake with his fork and eating it. They were good. But they were supposed to be having a serious discussion, so he supposed pancakes would have to wait. Which was kind of a shame, because they were really good pancakes.
James should have known that he never lied about love. It wasn't something he allowed himself to feel often, so he couldn't bring himself to lie about it. "There's always been something between you and me," he agreed. "We've just always been too stupid or too stubborn to admit it. Something like that. Your wives were never good for you. I always told you that and I was right. If they had been, I never would have factored in." He shrugged. "I hated Amber," he said bluntly, "because she was the one who really could have taken you away. She wasn't like your wives. She was...you would have stayed with her. And I hated that." He paused a moment and took a sip of his coffee. "But at the same time, she's the only one I would have let you go for. She would have been good for you...and if I had to give you up to anyone, it would have been her." It was a hard admission, but it needed to be said. "I knew you were in love with me before I was ever in love with you. I used it. Because that's the kind of person I was...I was an addict and I used you because it made it easier to be that way if I knew I'd never lose you. I hated that Amber died, because it hurt you...and because, for a while, I thought you might leave for good...but part of me was relieved that she wouldn't take you out of my life." He looked away. "After I stopped, I realized that even though I wasn't using you anymore...not the way I had before, anyway...I still needed you in my life more than anyone else. I realized that I was okay with Cuddy rejecting me, because you were still there."
He laughed. "I'd say sex," he said, taking another bite of the pancakes, "but I'm old and my leg would not forgive me for that."
"Sometimes I'm an idiot," Wilson agreed. "You have to admit I have a reason for not getting too vulnerable around you, just in case. Now that I know better I won't make that mistake, but I've had my heart broken a few too many times, Greg." Especially lately. The past few years were tough enough, but the past few months were even more troubled than usual. Wilson accepted the things about House that he couldn't change, and despite his tired sighs and attempts to get House to be 'nice,' the truth was he never really wanted his friend to change. Maybe to be happier, but if he was different than he wasn't House. He rolled his eyes when House went on about his wives and how they were bad for him, because this was an old song and dance for them, yet he was right too. None of them were. He probably never thought they were either, and just chose to get married because that's what the good guy did. He fell in love, he got married, he followed through ... and then he cheated and chose his best friend over them. Wilson wasn't the good guy he wanted to be.
James' smile faded when Greg talked about using him, but there wasn't any malice or annoyance in his eyes about it. "I let you use me. Maybe because I loved you, or maybe because I liked to be used. When I left it wasn't because of you and it wasn't because of Amber." That was a pretty short time he cut House out of his world, and it was stupid of him to think it would last. "I had to make an active choice not to let you use me anymore. I thought to do that I had to cut it altogether, but ... the second you really needed me I came running. So much for that plan." He placed his hands around the coffee mug and spun it around to give his fingers something to do. This conversation with House of all people made him nervous, but it was getting easier now that he knew it was mutual. "I'm not going anywhere. The truth is I always ended up with you for a reason." James didn't exactly want to give Greg carte blanche though, so he poked a finger at his friend to make what he said next be more firm. "Don't think you can kick me around and abuse me and I'll never leave, though. Eventually even I can have enough." He didn't know if that was true. He probably would stay, but it was better for House not to be sure of that.
Wilson sighed and picked up the spare plate, dropping it in front of House and moving a few of the pancakes from the stack over to it with a spare fork. Then he offered House the fork pointedly. "Of course sex, when we're both not sore like the old men we are, I meant ... should we have rules?" He figured they were doing fine with Andy as a threesome partner, and from his comments on the net hopefully Greg noticed and agreed, but that wasn't the only possibility on the table. They could both be possessive.
"You're an idiot a lot," House said with a shrug, "but I don't mind it as much with you as with most people." The idiocy of most people annoyed him to no end, but Wilson had always been an exception, because Wilson was better than the others. He may have done stupid things, but he did them with noble intentions, and all his faults somehow served to highlight what a fundamentally good person he was. Besides, Wilson somehow managed to be that sort of good person, while simultaneously having the capacity for devious plotting and truly evil schemes. Not to mention he was one of the few people who still managed to surprise House. And he put up with him. But he could probably go on about Wilson's considerable virtues all day, and then he'd be a pathetic sap and that was just not cool. "I would never hurt you, James," he said seriously. "Not like that. I'm never going to be a nice person, you'd hate it if I was and you know it, and I'm never going to buy you flowers or...heck...buy you dinner. I'll probably never agree to marry you, because that's pretty much the kiss of death with you...and anyway, that's not the kind of guy I am and it never has been. But I know you, better than anyone else does, and I mean it when I say that I love you. That's enough, right?" He really hoped it was, even though he knew that James could probably do better than that.
"I can't promise I'll never use you again," he said, because he'd never believed in softening the blow or sugar-coating things. "But I don't want Vicodin in my life anymore. I almost destroyed everything that mattered to me over it, and I don't want to repeat that mistake. It's never going to be easy, James. The pain is always going to be there, and sometimes it's going to be hard not to want that easy fix...but I'm trying. I think that knowing it won't be easy helps me not give in. You know I'm stubborn as hell, and it's a challenge...work helps, but I'm not stupid enough to think it always will." He smiled and reached over, covering James's hand with his own. "This helps," he told him. "It gives me something to lose...something I don't want to lose. I have something to keep me focused on...not falling back on it." Vicodin was a crutch, nothing more. A quick easy fix that made living a little less painful for a brief span of time. James was more than that. He kept him going and made it all worthwhile. "You should leave," he said, "if I ever cross that line...that one we never talk about but we both know it's there...you should. Because you deserve better. And I will try. I'm not going to be nice to the other doctors and I won't call Dr. Saunders by her name or coddle the patients...but I can try to be better here."
House took the fork and stabbed it into Wilson's pancakes with a small smirk. He preferred them off Wilson's plate, okay? What was wrong with that? He considered the statement and nodded. "If you cheat on me, I won't be as nice as your wives," he said cheerfully. "As long as we're both there, Andy is fine...but maybe only for special occasions? I can't do that with any kind of regularity." His smile softened. "Besides, I just want you."
If his body wasn't constantly reminding him that this was no dream with little aches from the night before, James probably would've pinched himself by now. Even to himself he had trouble admitting his full feelings for Greg, as if saying it out loud would ask for the other man to rip him apart. He should have known better; Greg never intentionally hurt him. Other people yes, but never James. Yet Greg also had the power to hurt him more than anyone else alive, and it terrified him. James usually did the cheating, the hurting, and there was a twisted sense of power in that, knowing his wives didn't have anything more on him than guilt. He was sad when they divorced, but if he lost Greg? He didn't know if he could survive that. Even now the magnitude of where they were going with this was frightening and exhilarating all at once. He didn't even realize he was smiling; it was young and sweet and completely unabashed. "I don't need you to be a nice person or to do all those things. Let's be honest, if anyone is going to buy flowers or dinner, it's going to be me. And I don't mind. I kind of like that about us." James enjoyed doing nice things for House that he knew his friend appreciated but never needed to return. "The only reason it was the kiss of the death with me is because I married the wrong person. Over and over. But I don't need to be married to know I'm where I should be." He was content for them to live like this, as long as they had one another. Sometimes he might entertain romantic notions, but love was enough for him.
There was no use trying to hide his feelings here, because they were all out in the open. James was never good at hiding them anyway; he was more the heart-on-his-sleeves kind of guy. "I can't promise I won't let you use me again. A part of me likes to be needed." House knew that. He usually told James that, and he was right. "But I will do whatever it takes to keep you off Vicodin. Even if I have to be a dick about it sometimes. When I think of how many times I almost lost you because of it, I can't think straight." He hoped that he'd never get to the point where House was begging him for pain relief again, because James wasn't certain he could have the strength of will to refuse him. He had to believe he would, that he'd protect his lover from himself, but they'd just have to see if it ever came around again. When House touched his hand, he looked down and swallowed hard, wondering how exactly being kidnapped and trapped in Vegas turned out to be just what they needed to take this step. He was completely, almost embarrassingly, grateful for it somehow. "Greg, I mean it when I say I don't want you to change. I just don't want to be punished for loving you." James always thought that sometimes House did like to torment and push the people that dared to love him, as if to see how much they could take before they'd break and leave, and it worked with Stacy and Cuddy and even Cameron. But not Wilson, not yet.
"I won't cheat on you," he promised. "I have a lot more to lose this time, and I only want to be with you." James felt impulsive, or maybe that was just the joy speaking now that everything fell perfectly into place, and he moved his chair noisily until it was pushed up against Greg's. This gave him the ability to reach over and cup the back of his lover's head, leaning over and kissing him for the first time without an audience. He'd been nervous the night before, and it was somehow easier with Andy there as a part of it, but now that it was all out in the open he didn't have to be ashamed of his desire for Greg. The kiss was intimate and hardly gentle, edging more on passionate than sweet, but he wanted to show and not tell his feelings. Once he felt his point was made, James pulled back and smiled, innocently going back to his pancakes. This time he playfully stabbed the pancakes on House's plate, proving the stealing could go both ways. And hey, it did taste better from his plate. "Special occasions only is a good idea, I'm bruised all over." He tilted his head and pointed to a clear love mark on his neck. "And you branded me!"
Greg had never really hurt James, because James had always been the constant in his life. The oncologist was his best friend, his co-conspirator and his confidante. There wasn’t anyone he trusted more than James. And, on the flip side of that, James was the only one with any real power to hurt him. Cuddy had stung, that she had lied to him and that she had chosen someone else, but it had almost been expected. He had loved the idea of her, of the normality and family she represented, but he hadn’t really loved her. If he was completely honest, he had probably loved James from the start. He hadn’t known that’s what it was then, but he had. “If you buy me flowers, I’ll set them on fire,” House said mildly. “I’m not a woman and I don’t want you acting like I am. I’m not one of your wives.” He needed that to be clear from the start. He didn’t want James falling back into old patterns. “So, what you’re saying is that your wives weren’t me?” He grinned. “That’s so sweet. But in all seriousness, I know that this is what I’ve needed for a long time. I was just a stubborn jackass.”
“I will always need you, James,” House said seriously, “I can’t imagine not needing you in my life. But that doesn’t mean you should let me use you. They aren’t the same thing.” And he hated that life had ever taught James that they were. “It’s not even about the Vicodin, I can handle that and I have. It’s about you deserving better than to be used by me.” He sighed. “I screwed up a lot of things in my life. For a long time. But I don’t want to screw this up. I’ve always subconsciously fucked things up, out of some masochistic need not to be happy. I think I preferred to be miserable, to give myself a reason for the Vicodin…or just because I was never good at this. I don’t want to do that here.” He wondered if he ever would have taken this step if it weren’t for being here. He wanted to say he would have, but he wasn’t sure he really believed that. “I’m not going to treat this like everyone else, James. I love you, and I mean that. I don’t want to push you away.” Which probably meant James was the only one he really loved.
“That’s a relief,” House said with a small smile. “It wasn’t that I really thought you would, but I am sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Because he was never really allowed to be happy, life wasn’t so fair to him as to let him have something good in his life. Of course, he stopped as James kissed him. Moments like this made him feel less uncertain about what they were doing here. The kiss tasted like maple syrup and coffee, with the taste of James underneath it all. He could definitely get used to this. And, while that scared him a little, he found that he liked it. He pulled James closer, deepening the kiss, then grinned as the other man pulled away and stole food from his plate. He most certainly get used to this. “I only branded you so the hookers would know you already belong to someone,” he teased.
Wilson rolled his eyes and laughed shortly, poking the fork playfully in House's direction. "Really? You're not a woman? Shocking!" To be honest, it was easier for him to accept that he desired and loved a man than knowing it was specifically House, because that's where the complications came in. Wilson was a fairly open minded individual and as straight laced as he seemed to be, he enjoyed sex and trying new things. Being with a man was different, but being with House took that to a whole new level. Not a bad one, just a more intricate one. "My wives were definitely not you, House. No one else could possibly be you." That's the thing Wilson knew from the beginning: no matter what, he'd never find anyone in the world even remotely like House. For all his flaws, he was the most interesting and unique person in the world, at least from Wilson's point of view. He didn't mind sitting to the side of the spotlight, watching his friend with admiration and respect, because being the right hand of a brilliant man was almost like being the man himself. And he was glad just to be a part of House's life, in whatever capacity he'd be let in. This one was his favorite option.
"I know that, Greg," he replied seriously and chewed on a pancake thoughtfully. He gave himself a chance to think and swallow before replying. "Listen, if you keep constantly thinking I deserve better than maybe you will subconsciously mess it up. I deserve to be loved and be with someone who knows me and wants me. So do you." James was a romantic by nature and he was often prone to making big gestures and sweet statements, but they were often superficial. With Greg, it was different. He meant every word, and met blue eyes with his sincere brown gaze. "I'm going to be a little sappy here, but you can take it. I know that I can't find better, okay? There isn't anyone better than you in my eyes." Besides his teasing and occasional bursts of snarky insight into his friend's life and psyche, James really thought the world of Gregory House. He was special. Everyone could see it. And when Greg thought James was special, James felt special. It was like they only saw the best parts of one another, and that's how they could forgive everything else that went wrong. "So I'm not going to let you push me away. I'm in this for the long haul."
Getting up briefly, Wilson moved to the fridge and poured out two glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice - he liked to do it himself since it was fresher and he had time in the morning - and brought them back to the table. One was set down in front of Greg, and he retook his seat very close. "There's no shoe to drop, and no hookers to get the wrong idea." He smiled at his best friend, who also happened to be the love of his life, and set his own orange glass far away so House couldn't steal it. "I'm going to get you back for the hickey," James commented mildly over his coffee cup, dark eyes promising that and many, many more things.
"I'm not," House repeated. "Haven't been for years, and all the papers have been changed, so that never happened." That was a joke. He'd never been a woman. He grinned and shook his head. "Your wives weren't as awesome as me," he agreed. "Which sucks for them, because they didn't get to keep you, but I'm definitely not complaining." Wilson's wives had never really been his equals. Same for the women with whom House had been involved. Greg and James though, they were equals in a way nobody else ever would be. They understood and accepted each other. And that's how Greg knew this would work.
"I didn't say you deserve better than me," Greg said, raising an eyebrow. "You aren't going to find someone better for you. I'm not even being arrogant. We're the only ones who ever really put up with each other. But you do deserve better than to be used. By anyone." And maybe, one day, he would make James believe that. He was tired of seeing people take advantage of James and his good nature. While Greg never meant any harm, that wasn't true of everyone. It wasn't even true of most people. People sucked, and James was an exception to that rule, which made Greg want to protect him. "I can't find better either, since we're being all sappy." And he couldn't. "I only want you. So...yeah. Long haul and all."
He looked at the orange juice and sighed, rolling his eyes. "Fine, mom," he said, drinking the orange juice. Then he thought better of what he'd just said. "Never calling you that again. Too weird." He grinned at James, ignoring the hooker thing and focusing on the hickey thing. "I'm looking forward to it."