InsaneJournal

Who: Castiel and Anna.
What: A...learning experience.
When: Backdated to Thanksgiving evening, before the mess with Meg
Where: Cas's room at Casa de Awesome.
Rating: R. To be safe.
Status: To be completed in comments. Maybe.

Castiel kicked off his shoes and sat down on the bed in his rooms in Dean's home, looking over at Anna thoughtfully. This had been the first Thanksgiving he had celebrated, and he was touched that Dean had invited them both. All in all, he approved of a day that celebrated thankfulness for family and friends and the blessings the Lord had bestowed upon their lives, but something about that whole thing still confused him. He cocked his head to the side quizzically, a habit he retained even as a human, and addressed Anna after a moment's pause.

"It puzzles me," he said, "that humans choose to express their thankfulness for the gifts of the Lord with displays of gluttony and sloth. And lust, apparently, if Dean is to be believed." And sometimes, Dean wasn't. At least, when the topic of sex came up. "I'm not complaining," he said hastily. "I enjoyed the day...I felt once more as if I were part of a family...as if I belonged somewhere. I have not felt that way for some time." He paused a moment and smiled at Anna. "Save for when I'm with you."

Anna rested her head back against the wall when she turned from the window. She smiled softly at Castiel's words, of course he would jump to that conclusion, but she understood, "Wait until you see what they do with Christmas."

It was odd being human again, not that Anna minded the state of being, she had actively chosen that existence once before and had enjoyed every minute of it, the joy, the pain, but now... It was not her choice this time, though watching Castiel discover all these new sensations was something to behold. She wondered at his adaptability, many might watch his reactions and conclude he would never catch on, but Anna would defy them. Castiel was doing fine, besides, everyone else started their learning process as babies, not fully grown adults.

"Me?" Anna walked over to join Castiel on the edge of the bed, "We've been at odds so much recently, I'm surprised you would still feel that way." She reached a hand down to his and gave his a squeeze. He was right, it was good to feel like one belonged. If she was honest with herself she too had missed that feeling when she had chosen to stand against Zachariah.

"But," Anna decided maybe Dean was becoming too much of an influence on Castiel, "Cas, you shouldn't always listen to, nor emulate Dean, on all things human. The Commandments against excess seemed to have been written for him."

"I am almost afraid to ask what they do," Castiel said, but he was smiling in an amused manner, and made it clear that he was not so bothered by humanity's faults and confusing tendencies.

He was adjusting to his new found, and hopefully temporary, humanity. There were worse fates, he knew, and really he was learning quite a bit from his current situation. He supposed it was easier to empathize with the human condition, having experienced it. Aside from certain moments, where mortal life was confusing or even wholly overwhelming, he actually did not mind. It was amazing, in some ways, to experience so much. And not just the emotions. Sight and sound and taste and touch were all different when one was human, not just wearing the shell of one, and part of him wasn't sure he wanted to go back. But he had his duty, and he could not fulfill it like this. He would just have to continue to embrace some of the aspects of humanity, when he was restored to himself.

"Yes, you," he said, with a fond grin that made him look even younger. In moments like this, it was hard to see the ageless and eternal being he had once been. He ducked his head, biting his lip in a shy movement. "You must know that I care for you," he paused a moment, "that I love you. Even if we have been somewhat at odds in the past, that has never changed. You have made me better, Anna. Yes, some credit goes to Dean as well, but it was you who first encouraged me to be my own man...or my own angel as it were." He glanced up at her and smiled again. "I don't know that I would have come so far without you."

He tilted his head to the side. "Dean is not an negative influence on my life," he said, "and you should not judge him so. He is a good man, even if he has his faults. And I know my own mind. He could not push me to do or believe anything which I did not wish to."

The red suffusing Anna's cheeks gave away her feelings before she could express them - the way the human body involuntarily reacted to such things like compliments was really both amazing and infuriating. Amazing in that it was just one of the many things the body did, infuriating in that it gave everything away all at once. The compliment was sweet, but Anna tried to tell herself she wasn't embarrassed by it, though that seemed to be the case.

"Thank you, Cas," Anna looked away briefly, to allow the red in her cheeks a chance to dissipate. She accepted his words, Castiel's honesty was refreshing deal with, so many people hid what they felt or meant, Castiel did none of that. "You must know that I care about you, as well, many people do."

Anna laughed out loud then, in the face of Castiel's defense of Dean. "I said nothing about Dean's goodness, just he doesn't always have the answers regarding all things human, especially when it comes to relationships, and most importantly, intimate relationships."

Castiel couldn't help but smile at Anna, feeling a sort of shy happiness at her reaction. She was beautiful, she always had been, and her true form was even moreso than her human shell...but she was pretty in an entirely different way when she blushed. She looked alive in a way he couldn't really qualify. He wondered, for just a moment, what it might be like to stay like this. To live a human life with Anna. It didn't seem like such a frightening thing as it once had, even if it could never come to pass.

"I do not care for you the way I care for other people," he said softly, unsure of how to proceed. "There is nobody who is capable of affecting me the way that you do...and it scares me a little. I have never really felt this way before, and it's a little overwhelming." He looked away. "I know I'm supposed to love our Father, first and foremost...beyond all else, but he is such a distant concept any more...he doesn't feel real to me anymore. You are." He paused. "You and Dean, and these people...it's hard to continue putting God first." He smiled. "But I don't know that I regret that."

He laughed, a short, quiet sound. "Do not worry, Anna," he said. "I am capable of telling Dean no, and of ignoring his advice. I actually do so often."

Anna stopped laughing as Castiel continued, knowing full well what he was implying. She bit her lip then, unsure what to say to his confession of his feelings. She had come to the same conclusions Castiel was now realizing, but long before this moment. And how, just a short time ago she had tried to show him all this, her reasons for Falling, almost pushing her beliefs on him. But she had back down, realizing he needed to find his own way, which wasn't hers. And now that he was saying he was starting to understand what she had wanted him to see...

"Castiel, I-" She started to say, but realized she had no words, she squeezed his hand again, instead, giving her time to compose her thoughts. "I had not realized you had developed these feelings and beliefs." She did not look away as she said this, but held his gaze... until the intensity of blue seemed to overwhelm her - Castiel had always, especially in angel form, embodied an intensity of being that could be quite overpowering at times, all his conviction focused on a single goal. It was astonishing to see, even in human form this bit of him that was so uniquely him was still there.

Anna turned then, feeling the heat rush up her neck again, this time having nothing to do with being shy over a compliment. She took a deep breath to calm the warmth settling in her stomach. "Oh, really, you are capable of ignoring Dean's advice?" She said it to distract herself as much as anything else. "Like what exactly?"

"I had thought it was obvious," Castiel said, looking at Anna with a nervous expectancy. As if waiting to be told that it was wrong for him to feel this was. "I thought you knew how I felt for you. How I-" He broke off and looked away. "God seems more and more like some distant, unknowable ideal...some concept that you can never see or know or touch." His hand rested on hers. "I see you...I know you." He flushed slightly. "I...what I mean to say is that I care for you, more than I ever expected to care for someone else. And it isn't just that humans are more easily capable to experience emotions. I felt this, even as an angel."

He looked at her again. "Tell me it isn't just me," he said, worried that it was. That somehow he had been wrong in thinking that she returned his feelings. "I don't know much about humanity, aside from the fact that I'm very bad at it...but I do know that if I had to choose...between being restored to myself, and having you in my life...it isn't even a choice. And I shouldn't feel that way, because there are things infinitely more important...but I just can't help it. I am losing focus on what should matter most, but I cannot bring myself to believe it's a bad thing."

"Well," he said with a small smile, breaking away from the other, more serious thoughts, "he did instruct me that I should allow him to hire a prostitute, to relieve me of my virginity...which he seems to believe is a terrible inconvenience. I said no to that rather easily."

The sad, worried expression now registering on Castiel's face almost broke Anna's heart. She reached out and cupped his face with her hand, trying to convey a reassurance before she attempted to speak. Not for the first time did she consider his choice in a host body gave him too much of an advantage. He had always seemed to gravitate towards those that could tug at the heart strings with just one look.

"Cas, you are not the only one," she paused, considering what she was about to say, and chose to tell him, "You have been so dear to me for so long... before I Fell even you meant so much to me. Leaving you was more difficult than tearing away my Grace, though I know that it should have been the other way around. And I had no idea you felt this way about me, or any of what you just said. I realized some time ago I should not push you." She smiled softly at him again. "I am grateful every moment you are back in my life. I would not give this, being here with you, with all these people that I love and care about, I would not give this up for anything. And I am not ashamed to say it."

Anna leaned her head forward then, resting against Castiel's, "And I am very grateful you did not allow Dean to hire you a prostitute. You do not do so poorly at humanity as you think."

Castiel leaned into the touch, his eyes closing as he gave a quiet sigh at the contact. Anna always managed to give him a sense of peace in his life, that no one else in his life seemed capable of. Even when they had both been angels, this had been the case. He turned his head slightly, pressing his lips to her palm in an affectionate gesture. He knew that there had been much misunderstanding between them, and that he had wronged her in his foolish adherence to the decisions of a heaven that was lacking God's will, but he was glad that she had forgiven him and they had moved past that.

"I am glad," he admitted. "I am not very familiar with the concept of unrequited feelings, but I do not believe that it is something I would wish to experience." He smiled again. "I missed you. It wasn't the same after and...the garrison just was not what it once was, without you." He shook his head. "I never understood why you left...it hurt to think that you would rather be among humans...that you would leave me behind. And then, when orders came...I never wanted to hurt you. I need you to know that. The orders we received...I did not want to believe that they could possibly be God's will...but I did not yet understand how broken it was in heaven. If I could take back all the ways I've wronged you, I would...but that is beyond my power. So, instead, I just hope you can forgive me." He closed his eyes a moment and then looked at her. "I am grateful to have another chance with you. To know that this time, I won't die with regrets. To know that I have this time with you, that I have made my feelings known...no matter what else happens, it is enough."

He brushed his fingers through her hair, resting his head against hers. "Why would I want something false?" he asked her with a small smile. "Someone paid to play a part, to pretend? No, I would rather have a moment with you than anything Dean may consider important."

Anna did not need to hear his apology as he had already apologized. The bitter anger she had felt upon first arrival had quickly dissolved as Castiel had proven himself over by words and actions. The more Anna reviewed the whole affair she realized she could not fault him for his faith, what he had done was more from hope and innocence than malice, holding onto her anger and hurt would have been pointless. She may no longer need to hear these words from Castiel, but he needed to say them again, and so she let him finish.

She leaned forward when he was finished and pressed her lips lightly against his, hand resting against his face. As always his lips were warm and invitingly intoxicating. "You need not apologize again, Cas," she pulled back slightly, "I heard you the first time, forgave you the first time."

His words about wanting something real with her and the touch of his hand brushing through her hair inflamed her just as his intense gaze had done so earlier, but this time she did not turn away from the feeling. She claimed his lips again, though still holding back the passion rising inside her, she let the kiss linger, and did not pull back as before.

He sighed against her mouth, eyes closed against the kiss. It tasted like absolution, but maybe that was just his imagination getting the best of him. "I needed to say it," he said softly. "I needed you to know how much I regret the way I treated you...that you were right and I should have seen that sooner...maybe if I had, then things would not be the mess they are now." He hated the way he had been, and knew that he could have changed things if only he hadn't been so caught up in Zachariah's lies and machinations. And then Dean and Sam, all of them, would have been spared some measure of suffering. But what was done was done, and Anna had forgiven him. It was all he could hope for.

The second kiss was different than the ephemeral brush of her lips against his. His hand tangled in her hair, the other wrapping around her waist to pull her closer as he deepened the kiss, more out of instinct than anything. It felt right and good and he understood, in that moment, why this was so important to humans. The kiss broke and he took a breath before leaning in to kiss her again, initiating it this time and savoring the moment.

"Cas," Anna managed, just barely, her voice low, as her head swam with the biological responses his touch elicited. "I know, and they know. Dean would not treat you as he does if he did not find you worthy of his attention." That brought a small smile to her lips, considering all Dean had shown Castiel, such as the proper way to bathe, Dean clearly thought highly of Castiel to do something so awkward for another man to do.

She had decided long before this moment to let Castiel control the pace and direction of any physical contact between them, he was the one new to emotions and being human. And thus far, she really could not complain. Human standards might suggest the speed of their relationship slow, as they had decided to incorporate more human type intimacies after arriving here months ago; but, their relationship had developed over thousands of years, and taken in that context, they were adding these new physical, emotional elements at rapid speed. Humans, despite all Anna loved about them, did tend to have a very limited, less than eternal perspective.

His hand encircling her waist pulling her closer to him thrilled through her body, and she readily obliged the request, scooting closer so that no space remain between their thighs - the only way she could be closer was if she were in his lap. Her hands wandered lower to his shoulders then, her turn to pull him closer. She did not break the kiss this time, but opened herself to it, hoping he would do the same. It pleased her to see him respond to her, and initiate more without hesitancy, he was more natural at being human than he thought.

Castiel was nervous. He could feel the direction this was taking, and it felt good. It felt right in a way nothing had before. But he still felt anxious. He had never done this before, and knowing what was meant to occur, in theory, was not the same as trying to put the theory into practice. Dean would know what do do in this situation, he was very experienced in these matters, but he could hardly put a stop to the proceedings to ask Dean to talk him through this. He was fairly certain that would create a scenario that was decidedly awkward. So best to just figure this out as they went, he decided. Much less awkward, in any case. He hoped.

He pulled away long enough to tug her closer so that she was on top of him, then fell back into the kiss. He was still nervous, but he knew it would do no good to dwell on that. Kissing was simple. It was easy and it made sense. He didn't mind sticking with that for the moment. He deepened it cautiously, the slide of her tongue against his causing his breathing to quicken. "I don't know what to do," he admitted in a whisper against her mouth, embarrassed even though his inexperience was no secret. "Show me what to do, Anna." There was a pause, where he kissed her again, as if unable to move his lips from hers for very long. "Please."

Anna willingly allowed Castiel to pull her on top of him, settling in his lap felt right and good, as if they were always meant to do this. The close contact of their bodies, even fully clothed as they were was exhilarating. She was not new to this kind of intimacy, but doing such with Castiel, her closest friend, and once constant companion, was breathtaking. She would not have thought, this time a year previous, that he would be asking her to guide him in this.

She closed her eyes then, smiling against his mouth as his plea reached her ears. His voice, the timber of it low and deep and full of longing for something he'd never experienced, was intoxicating in a way Anna had never heard before. Her breath hitched slightly. She was not the type to be overly romantic, giving into heart flutters, but perhaps, she realized, that had more to do with never having a partner she completely trusted, and loved before. She let the sound of his voice resonate within her just for a moment, savoring the intense pull of his request, the feel of his tongue against hers, the yearning in his hands has he held her, before guiding him forward.

She raised slightly so as to give him the freedom of movement, pulling back just enough to speak, "Move back on the bed, Cas." But the separation from his mouth was entirely too unbearable, it was not to be endured, and after speaking hastily claimed his lips again.

He trusted Anna. Possibly more than anyone else. It was the sort of trust bred by thousands of years of connection, of knowing one another better than almost anyone else. It had been like a piece of himself had been ripped away when she had chosen to Fall, but now that she was back, he was complete again. He'd never felt any inclination toward sex before, viewing it as messy and awkward and not understanding why it was so fundamental to the human experience beyond the obvious desire toward propagation off the species. Humans rutting together senselessly had baffled him and left him wondering at what could compel them to make this act so central to their lives. But here, so close to Anna, he felt like he understood. It was connection. It was intimacy. It was trust and faith and love, and being so close to another person. And that made it beautiful and worthy. And he understood now. He understood in a way he hadn't before. And he wanted to feel that.

He shifted further onto the bed at her command, lying back and pulling her down with him. "I want to understand everything," he whispered against her lips, feeling a thrill of something he suspected was anticipation, as his hands rested against her waist. "I want to experience this. With you. Teach me about this, Anna."

Anna couldn't help but smile at Castiel's eagerness, it was quite endearing, and not a little bit enticing - it was a lot enticing. She followed him further up the bed, giving him time to get situated.

"Cas," a smile spread over her face, "this is not something one learns in just one sitting. It will take much longer." She dropped a kiss on his mouth, noticing the almost too chaste way his hands rested on her waist - that simply could not be. "But there is much you will learn this first time, I promise."

She kissed him again, soft, inviting, before sitting back up, not taking much care to reduce the friction of such an act, and drew him up as well. She guided his hands to the front of her blouse, directing his attention to the buttons and indicating that he was to undo them. She in turn, between kissing his mouth, dropped her hands to his shirt, and showed by example what he was to do by unbuttoning his shirt.

"Then we will just have to be certain that this is not something that only happens once," Castiel said with a shy smile. "I am content to take a long time to learn about this with you." And he was - more than content, really. "I am glad to be learning this with you. I cannot imagine this with a person I did not care about." And he was happy to be human for this, to truly experience it. It was more than he had ever expected, and even if he had to remain human forever, he would be glad to have had the opportunity to experience this. He knew that some of his kind might not understand that, but that did not make him doubt. On the contrary, he felt pity for their lack of understanding. He had changed so much since taking Dean Winchester as his charge, and this was but one more change in his perspective.

He leaned into the kiss, sitting up as she guided him and letting her move his hands as she wished. It wasn't hard to figure out what she wanted, and his fingers undid the buttons with an ease that he had not possessed in his earlier days of humanity. When that was done, he carefully slipped the fabric from her shoulders, his hands gently caressing her stomach. He found everything about this thoroughly fascinating, and he couldn't wait to learn more.