Lily Evans (charmingdoe) wrote in brightlightlogs, @ 2009-11-30 19:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | lily evans, severus snape |
Who: Lily Evans and Severus Snape
What: Meeting and talking for the first time in two/seven years
When: Tonight
Where: The roof and then Lily's place
Rating/Warnings: Fluff, woobie-ing, and some possible swear words once they finally get to discussin' what needs to be discussin'
Status: Closed, In progress
The roof, she'd said the roof. It was usually isolated unless there was a big to do about using the night lit pool. There were no party plans for the night and the roof was free from patrons. The only noise was that of the wind and the sounds of the ever moving city buffered by the distance of many stories. How many nights had she used the relative calm of of the roof to gather and still her ever racing thoughts. But never before had she had something of this magnitude to sort out, and suddenly the wide, open, long drop from the top of the building was grating on her nerves in an unpleasant way... maybe something closer to the ground have been more appropriate.
She had taken to walking the space of the roof waiting for Severus to show up, careful to not get close enough to the edge to see the city so far below. Gathering her thoughts seemed to be proving more difficult than previously thought. She had been here in Vegas for months now, the only one from home for a long time, and even until yesterday she was the only one from her generation. It was wonderful to meet everyone that was showing up, her future son's friends and children, as everyone kept reminding her she did not live past twenty-one. Aside from the gruesome news about her imminent demise, and the future wars and conflicts, they were a lovely crowd and told wonderful stories about a future she'd never get to see, and she was ever so grateful for their company. But, she still feel a solid loneliness for those more familiar to her, faces she knew - heavens, she was even starting to miss Sirius, but that fancy was always blessedly fleeting.
And now, someone had appeared from home, someone very familiar, and yet so unfamiliar at the same time. All the old feelings and trepidations surrounding her former friend rose instantly to the surface the moment she realized he was here. The past few months she'd so desperately wanted to see him again, maybe make things right, but all her misgivings that had held her back from doing so in those last few years at Hogwarts had not dissipated, she realized, upon being removed to Vegas.
The truth was she didn't know Severus anymore, they had stopped being friends so long ago it seemed, and she was not blind to what he had become after Hogwarts. Still, LilyLu, had hinted towards a different Severus than Lily had left behind, though her granddaughter seemed to have a dismal memory for details and facts and could not provide more information than Severus had been a great assets during the war, and LilyLu's youngest brother was named for him. Clearly her friend must have switched sides at some point, but she hand no indication of when that was. Lily gleaned most of her hope for this encounter based on those two facts. They had to mean something, Lily was unsure what, but it just had to.
Part of her felt guilty every time her hand wandered to her wand in her pocket, she should - would give him a chance to explain... anything, if he felt the need. Did not everyone deserve a chance to explain? But that ideal did not buttress her against the very real possibility of what her friend had become.
She wrapped her arms against the chill of the wind and racing nerves, and leaned against one of the poolside tables looking out across the city to the desert beyond, waiting for answers to calm her out of control thoughts.
--
Severus was nervous. There was really no other way to describe how he'd been feeling since his arrival in this strange place not so long ago. There were far too many new things to deal with, new experiences, new contraptions, new rules to learn. He had a new tattoo, so he found, even though he'd sworn his one-and-only would be his last. It was a mistake that would haunt him until the day he died. He'd chosen the wrong side. At least, he supposed, he made up for it later in his life. Or at least, so he'd read. Stranger than anything in his life was finding out that his life story was chronicled in books about her son. The Boy Who Lived.
Finding the roof wasn't a problem for Severus. He'd explored the day he arrived, and the roof was one of those places he found to go and escape. It was thankfully empty most of the time, it seemed, and he imagined that he would be up there a lot to hide from the crowds. Getting his bearings was important to him, as was figuring out the safest places to run and hide. The walk up to the roof, on the other hand, was incredibly difficult. He had to force his feet to move, even though a part of him wasn't sure he wanted to. Lily was here. Lily.
Every step on the stairs brought back a memory they'd shared. Until he reached the top step, pushed open the door, and stepped out onto the cold, windy rooftop. He was afraid of what he was going to find there. How much did this Lily know of her life? Of his involvement in the end of her life? How much was he going to explain--how much did he not know? The door clattered to a shut behind him, and he walked forward. His dark eyes scanned the pool area, looking for the red hair. He saw her, and started walking that way.
There was a stinging at his eyes again as he walked. She was here. She was alive. Lily. His Lily. By the time he was a few feet from her, there were large teardrops rolling down his pallid cheeks.
------
Lily heard the door to the roof open, then close, behind her. She froze then, knowing she should turn around and greet her former friend, but her breathe caught in her throat, her heart pounded in her chest, and the blood rushed in her ears, it seemed the one part of her that refused to move were her feet. Oh how she had moved about before, pacing the roof, her feet couldn't seem to stop, but now that he was here, she could hear him approach from behind, it was if she were suddenly trapped by devil's snare.
She mentally chastised herself for her lack of courage - wasn't she supposed to have that in spades? Did not facing him put off the inevitable? Would delaying the meeting change the bad of which she as sure to learn?
Finally she found the strength to force her body to push away from the table and turn to see her old friend.
Her heart stopped when she took in the sight of him. He looked older, so much older than the boy she remembered from school. She knew he must look different from what she remembered, and in a way he looked very familiar, but only hauntingly so... Her eyes traveled over him, god, he seemed so worn, unexpectedly so, as if he'd seen more in his time than by right anyone should ever be forced to witness,.
And she saw his cheeks were damp from tears that didn't seem to stop. This surprised her the most. In all her recollection she could recall witnessing Severus cry once. It was before Hogwarts, she'd come upon him suddenly in that spot they'd always retreated to by the river, and he'd instantly sobered up, never discussing what had been the issue. Later, when she was more experienced about the world, she'd surmised it had had something to do with his family, most particularly his father.
"Sev?" her voice heavy with concern.
She'd never seen him this unguarded. What on earth...?
In that moment, everything she'd planned to ask him, say to him, discuss with him seemed trivial and unimportant. Any feelings of trepidation, anger, or doubt washed away with her concern. She closed the remaining few feet between them, and disregarding all previous knowledge about his abhorrence to physical contact, threw her arms around him, pulling him close. He was so much taller than she remembered, which made the hug slightly more awkward than she'd anticipated, but she didn't care. She rested her head against his shoulder and sighed, breathing him in - at least that was the same, she thought, as the memories poured through her.
God! She had missed her friend.
--
Before he could say anything or do anything, Lily's arms were wrapped around him. Severus stood for a moment in sheer disbelief, then his arms slowly wrapped around the beautiful redhead against his chest. He couldn't believe what was happening, he couldn't believe that she was here hugging him. She was alive, and warm, and... oh, dear, were those more tears?
"Oh, Lily." He breathed against her hair. His heart was thundering in his chest. He would have sworn that at any moment the world was going to melt away and show this horrible vision, wonderful dream for what it was. He had no idea what it was, but he knew this couldn't be real. This couldn't be his Lily. She died.
His arms tightened around her, his face buried in her hair. It was a reflex, he couldn't help it. He didn't want to help it. She was here, she felt real. He wanted to hold her until he couldn't hold her anymore. Or, well, until she wouldn't let him hold her anymore.
---
Severus seemed to be full of surprises that evening. Instead of pushing her away as she expected, as he had done countless times in their youth, he encircled her with his arms, holding her close to him. He was gloriously hesitant at it, very much Severus in mannerisms, but clearly he wanted and needed this. There was a sad desperation in that embrace, as if he were drowning and she was the only thing holding his head above water. It seemed as if those two years, for her, they'd not spoken had never happened, and they were friends again.
Lily felt the top of her head dampen and realized Severus still had not stopped crying - more surprises. Her concern for him deepened. For that reason she pulled back enough to look at him, but she made sure not to let go.
"Sev?" her brow knit with worry, "what's wrong?"
She wondered if he would even tell her. It had only been two years for her, but she wondered how long it had been in his time line since they were friends, since he trusted her.
---
He was, indeed, drowning. And she was the only thing that kept him above the water. Then again, it'd been this way since they were little. Lily was the center of his universe, always. He couldn't seem to stop thinking about her, and even though they fought, even though she dated and married someone else, bore someone else a son... even through her death and for years afterward he couldn't stop thinking about her. Not that he wanted to.
"You're here." He whispered softly. He couldn't believe it. He let her pull back from his arms just enough to look down into her eyes. Those green eyes that had been haunting his dreams for so long. A little smile crossed his features, even though there were still tears clinging to his cheeks and eyelashes. She was so beautiful he could hardly stand it.
"You're alive." It was like he'd been given a second chance. All he had to do was take it. And that was his plan for the time being. He was going to do everything that he hadn't done the first time, to make things right, to make things work with her. He wasn't going to let Potter win this time around. He lifted his hand to cup her cheek, hesitantly, as if afraid she might crumble to dust with too much pressure from his fingertips.
---
Lily was confused for one moment, trying to consider how her being there could be wrong, but then he continued speaking and it all clicked in her head. He was definitely from a time after her death. She wondered at how her death could affect him so. Did they become friends again before she died? She'd been under the impression he did not care for her all that much after the end of Fifth year. It only made his behavior now so unexpected.
"Well, yes, I am alive," she tried to smile, but Severus looked so broken she could not maintain the smile. She remembered how low he could get, sometimes it would take all she had to bring him back.
His hand on her cheek was feather light, almost as if he still did not believe the body before him was corporal and real. For one terrifying moment she thought, from the famished, desperate look in his eye and the touch of his fingers on her face, that he would kiss her - she was not sure why that would be such a terrifying thought, other than the timing of the moment was hardly conducive for such an act, plus all the warring feelings inside of her. She ducked her head back against his shoulder, and pulled him close again.
"I'm actually not planning on changing my current status any time soon," she tried to muster all the levity she could into her voice, hoping it might reach through to him.
---
"Good." Severus said. There was a lightness in his voice--a happiness in his tone--that was the complete opposite of the tears on his face. He turned to bury his nose in her hair, his arms wrapping around her once more. It was so hard to believe, but it was real. Lily was here and she was alive and she was hugging him. He didn't want to think about losing her, he didn't want to think about her marrying that prat, James Potter, he didn't want to think about what he'd done to hurt her. All he wanted to do was hold her again. And answer her questions, should she have any.
"I owe you an explanation." He said softly, lifting his hand to run it over her hair. "It's not a pleasant story, but you deserve to hear it."
---
"Explanation of what?" She said into his shoulder.
Part of her didn't want to talk anymore if it meant bringing up everything that had caused the break in their friendship all over again. She just wanted to relish in the warmth of his arms around her and pretend no rift had ever come between them. Must they move on from this one good thing so soon?
And Lily decided she didn't want to hear any unpleasantness just yet.
"Wait, Sev, don't." She pulled back again, so as to drive home her point. "This is so nice, just-" her eyebrows drew together in a mixture of fear and concern. "I've not really had anyone to talk to from home in so long. There are others from where we are from, but they are from so far in the future, and... they are nice, but they all look at me with a weird mixture of awe and disbelief that it is sometimes hard to just have something normal. Just- let's not stop this yet. Please."
---
Severus was a little confused. They'd never--well, it'd been so long since they were close he didn't really remember what they used to do together. Just that it was amazing and wonderful and the best time of his life. His arms tightened around her and he held her closer. He didn't want to let go of this feeling, he'd yearned for it and dreamed about it for years and years. Almost a decade, actually.
"I can be normal." He could be anything for her, whatever she needed. "Whatever you want to talk about, we can talk about it." He said, lifting his hand to run over her hair again. "Is this place as strange as it seems?" He asked. "How long have you been here? What time did you come from?" He didn't really care, he was just pouring out whatever he could think of to keep talking.
---
Lily smiled and settled back against his shoulder. She smiled that he was willing to pretend there was nothing horrible to discuss for a while longer, but she mostly smiled, snorted even, at the thought of him being 'normal'. Severus had never adhered to the 'normal' as far as Lily could remember, mostly it was his dislike of stupidity, and those that persisted in their stupidity - often doing something considered 'normal' - and for that she could not fault him.
She chose to move on to his questions. "I showed up some time in September, beginning of the month. I remember it was the last day of school, and I was simply trying to walk through the portrait to drop off my book bag and then ended up here. And yes, this place is as strange as it seems - I spent all of Halloween night fighting zombies - their like inferi, just not magicked. It was some kind of disease." Lily said all this rather matter of fact, which went to show just how much she'd grown accustomed to this place and its oddities. "Plus, to add to the strangeness, I have grandchildren here, not much younger than I am not, actually."
"And what about you, what time did you come from?" She knew it was after she'd died, but she wanted something more specific, but she realized a bit too late that she was edging close to what might lead back to serious, unpleasant discussions. She quickly moved on, "How old are you now?"
---
"Zombies?" Severus asked, rather concerned. He'd seen a muggle film about zombies. His fool of a father had forced him to go along, even though he insisted he wasn't interested in the slightest. He'd had nightmares for a month afterward. "Are you all right? What on Earth?" He asked. He really didn't even know what he was asking. The zombies in the film had been horrible--almost as horrible as the stories of Inferi that he'd read when he was in school.
"It was just after my twenty-third birthday when I came here. --When I was brought here." Severus explained. Just thinking that he'd spent the last couple of years in a world without her pained him inside more than he could possibly say. "I was teaching at Hogwarts." He both wanted to hear more about Lily's grandchildren, and didn't think he could take it. He'd already heard about Lily's son, and his part in Lily's son's life.
"Are you... were you... with James?" He asked. He held his breath as he waited for her to answer.
---
"Mmhmm, zombies, a bit terrifying at first, but one gets a rather good aim with a fire charm." She could hear the concern in Severus's voice and it warmed her, knowing he actually was concerned for her when she'd previously thought he had not. "And as you can see, I am not trying to make you into my next meal, I am quite non-zombiefied."
The thought of Severus teaching was as much a contradiction in her mind as him trying to be 'normal'. He was a brilliant wizard, she'd always known that, but she'd never got the impression that he liked children, nor had the patience to deal with their antics. "You?" She pulled back to look him in the eye, to see if he was pulling her leg, "you a teacher?"
"Okay, wait? You're five years older than me, now?" She made a face of mock disappointment. "You were insufferable about the age difference when you were only twenty-one days older than me, I don't know how you will be now." It was good to joke about this one thing, pretending nothing about their past differences mattered, that there actually might be a future as friends.
"And, no, James isn't here," she didn't want to discuss James all that much as that was also a topic so dangerously close to unpleasant discussions - she knew how Severus felt about James, and she was sure that two years had not changed his opinion one bit. Opening that can of worms was just... it went against the temporary peace they had agreed on.
---
Severus nodded. He didn't want to talk about zombies, really. He was more interested in talking about her. Talking about them. When she pulled back to look into his face, the tears were mostly gone. There were remnants, snail trails down his cheeks and his eyelashes were sticking together. But he was smiling. He was happier than he could remember being in years.
"A lot happened in the last few years." He said, darkly. "A lot has changed." He tried his best to smile down at her, at the joke about their age difference. "I've grown up." He added. He knew that she had, he'd heard about it. A wife and a mum... he lifted his hand to brush some of the hair from her face. It was still rather windy up on the roof, but Severus didn't feel cold. He was warmed from the inside at her words. James wasn't there. He didn't have to worry about that part of the equation.
"Let's go inside. Warm up, have some tea. All right?" He asked, finding himself lost in her beautiful, green eyes.
---
"Oh, yes, you've grown up, five years beyond me. Now you know loads more than me about magic, entirely too unfair," She narrowed her eyes then, but it was hard to keep the smile from her face, "and you better believe, Professor Snape, you will be teaching me all of it," she poked her finger into his chest then to drive home the point, "no holding it over my head that you know the latest breakthroughs in potions or charms and I don't."
And just like that they had slipped back into the old familiarity of their past friendship. She had missed this, the joking, the light-hearted bantering, but always they were on equal footing, and they definitely knew the other was joking. James had been easy to joke with, but unfortunately Sirius was a required addition to most things James did, and when those two were together Lily didn't stand a chance if she had opinions that differed from theirs. Not to mention she suspected Sirius harbored some rather deep jealousy issues over James spending any time away from him, as was readily apparent in his all too happy willingness to stand in support of James against her no matter how logical her position.
A sadness tugged at her heart, reminding her that there were more serious, possibly heart wrenching discussions ahead - but it was still too soon, she had so dearly missed her friend.
She reached for Severus's hand then, squeezed it to show she was game to continue the charade, "We can go to my place, I have everything."