Professor Remus J. Lupin (galarusblaidd) wrote in breaking_point, @ 2009-12-29 10:56:00 |
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Entry tags: | *complete, 2024 12, character: remus lupin |
RP: Solitary Experiment
Who: Remus Lupin
Where: Coed Cefn
When: Tuesday, 29 December, 2024 early morning
Rating/Warnings: Dark and violent thoughts
Summary: Remus does a little experimenting on his own.
There were few places left on the little island they called home that were truly wild. One had to search them out. Still, there were pockets of ancient land, natural sanctuaries, where one was less likely to come across humanity. For Remus, most of those sanctuaries were in what he considered his homeland.
The woodland preserve was not strictly unpopulated. But, few people would be walking about the forests so early in the morning on a winter's day. What he planned to try wasn't something he wanted to do in Harry's back garden if he couldn't pull himself back quickly enough.
Finding a spot well off the footpaths, in amoung the dark trees, Remus knelt on the ground, resting his palms on his thighs. He'd worn his own worn denims and a borrowed polo-neck, eschewing a cloak as to appear as just a nutty 'new age' type on a morning meditation should anyone come across him -- although he hoped no one would until after he was done.
His talks with Regulus about the darkness within and what opening himself to that could mean had started him thinking. He didn't know that darkness as well as he thought he should if he was serious about delving off the well-lit path even a little with his studies. From what he could piece together, he'd done that the first time -- jumped in with both feet, thinking his Gryffindor courage was all he needed to keep himself separate from it.
And maybe that had been the problem all along, why he kept thinking his future self had lost something of himself, become something less than what he was now, even. Maybe Regulus had been right and he'd lost himself to whatever he'd been studying. Or, maybe he'd never truly accepted the darkness within as much as he seemed to be aware of it's presence. Wasn't there some precept that said you couldn't begin to know the enemy until you knew yourself?
It was about choices. No one was wholly light or wholly dark. Not even Voldemort, he was sure -- not that he was willing to test that theory! One chose their path, chose to follow or not, chose to go back and make amends or not if the path turned out to be wrong.
Today, he was going to take a good look at himself, a necessary look if he was going to even contemplate using the book currently secreted in his room at Harry's.
Closing his eyes, he concentrated on his breathing, turning his thoughts inward, looking for the deep internal stillness from which he knew his current strength flowed. The icy December air stung his lungs as he took it into himself, creating a pleasant sting that helped him to further block out the surrounding distractions of animals and insects and early morning rising in the woods. Only calm, quiet, stillness within; rhythmic breathing without.
Enveloped in that serenity, he dove deeper into himself, seeking the darkness of the depths, the part he held within a rigid iron band of self control at all times. He sought out the blackest shadow of man's basest thoughts, deepest fears, and innermost demons. Down in the subterranean levels of the mind, the personal labyrinth of Minos, he found his personal Minotaur, the monster within, ravenous hunger and impotent rage. He found it and he went into it's seductive embrace.
Sheer violence and bloodlust forced a gasp from his lips, even as his eyes remained closed. Flattened palms curled into tight fists, the only other outward sign of the inner struggle taking place.
The full force of the instincts he had mentally muted for twenty years flooded his senses. The pleasant song of nearby wrens was pushed aside for the dark thrill singing along his own veins as footfalls signalled walkers -- prey! -- on the footpath nearby. The need to hunt was a steady throbbing in his body, a low, deep ache in extremities his conscious-self pretended didn't exist. He could already taste the bitter, coppery tang of success on his tongue. Everything he was longed to spring, to run until the prey was brought down and blood allowed to flow over his face, staining his own visage in the climax of the darkest of lusts.
And, still he went deeper, forced himself to burrow further into the beast until he found it's darkest heart, the power at it's core, his core -- the deepest darkness and also the deepest stillness.
The energy rush was intoxicating, light and shadow dancing and twisting together, burning intricate patterns along his every nerve. It was as if every bit of power he'd ever felt was missing from a spell had been collected in this pool deep within, locked away with his fears and the monster, always just out of reach. If Ogden's could bottle liquid light and liquid shadow, he felt as if he'd just drunk an ocean-full of each. It would be easy to sink within this seemingly bottomless pool, take it into himself, let it drown the uncertainty and doubts.
For a moment, it was as if he floated there, not quite sinking, not quite flying. Just experiencing. Just being.
And then he thought of Ted, of James and Sirius, Harry and his children, the "boys", and all the others that were a part of the outside world, the world of flesh and heart and everything good. He'd found what he was looking for, the power he'd sought to protect them. But, it was here and they were there and it was so nice to feel whole for the first time in decades, whole and undamaged.
But, he couldn't be whole here. The stray thought startled him and he paused to catch it.
He couldn't be whole if he was separated from all those faces, all those who made his life what it was, who brought him joys that made this inner light dim, and even sorrows that could swallow the inner darkness in their shadows. It was ridiculous to wallow here with idle thoughts of 'wholeness' when his heart needed all of them as well.
Determination made, he pushed upward, rising slowly, fighting the urge to dip back into that well for just one more brief moment. He pushed beyond the rage and hunger, turned away from the scents of the hunt. He kept pushing upward in his own mind until he was again aware of his own mind, aware of Remus again. Opening his eyes on a sudden gasp of air, he fell back against the trunk of a tree. His fingers dug into the snow and dirt beneath him, welcoming the sudden shock of cold to both fingers and lungs as he grounded himself back in the familiar, wrapping self-control around himself like a security blanket as he sat for several long moments gulping cold air.
Slowly, he relaxed, felt his breathing calm, knew himself for who he was and let go the fear that he'd opened a floodgate he couldn't swim through.
Now he knew what was there, what darkness he risked letting loose if he kept on this path. But, he also knew what light he'd been missing because he hid away from the deepest parts of himself. Did he dare try to unlock one and risk unlocking the other? Could he live knowing he was already less than he could be because his own fears were holding him back?
Sitting there in the cold, grounding familiarity of the Welsh forest, his only thought became Where the hell do I go from here?