Jeremiah 'I swear he is a girl' Smith (smiting) wrote in blurred_owls, @ 2008-07-10 21:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-07] july, betty braithwaite, jeremiah smith |
Owl to Betty Braithwaite.
Dear Betty, I heard you were starting an advice column and wanted to be among the first to write to you for advice, though I'm certain it will be idiotic. I am a 27-year-old wizard and fellow Prophet employee, married to a harpy whom I refer to as the Wife rather than by name like a decent husband would. But for all her many faults, she is great in bed, though I would never say it to her face. I, however, always perform terribly -- a fact she harps on without fail every time -- and this is where I need your help. What am I doing wrong? I only ever get excited enough when we argue, and even then, I just want to get the damn thing over with in less than ten minutes. My spindly limbs get everywhere when I lose control of them. I keep almost all of my clothes on while we do it, including my socks. When we finish, we argue again, but not in an exciting sort of way because I'll pretend to fall asleep almost immediately once I've smoked in bed to annoy her. I'm afraid that if I don't get this right, the Wife and I will never be able to have a nice baby slug to call our own and to keep our purist relatives away. Said relatives have also promised fruit baskets if the slug is a boy and I need groceries. Anonymously, Mr J. Smith |