So it looks like I'm dead, or I better be, because so help me, if I'm not and this is being read, I'm never going to be able to ever look any of you lot in the eye again! Anyway, I really hope my last words weren't "Hey guys, watch this!" or Marlene'll have my head in the next life, assuming one exists. If someone could make sure that the guys are alright, that would rock. I know Peter and James are being total wankers right now, but we don't give up on people. We don't give up hope and we take care of each other. That's the important parts.
There are a few things that I need to say, get off my chest, if you like. I guess it comes down to this: I'm sure there are people that thought Dumbledore was mad to let a bunch of teenagers into the Order and that we must be even madder to have accepted but the fact is, we are the next generation of magic and we have a responsibility to it and the world we live in.
A friend asked me not that long ago, if I looked back on those big decisions, were they worth it and I have tell you guys, the answer was so simple: Fuck, yeah, it's worth it! I know that the good guys don't always win and that we've lost so many people along the way, but that's the risk we take and it's one I'm proud to take, even if it kills me.
That's what I want to say to you. That you inspire me and you make me smile and I guess I want you to know that I don't regret the life I chose to live. I don't regret being in the Order, because bad things happen and sometimes, we get to stop that and save people and I couldn't ask for any life, anywhere, that is better than that. I just want you to know how lucky I feel to have been a part of this and to have had friends like you. To have had the honour of being part of it all and knowing that I made a difference. The purpose of man is to live, not to exist and man, have I ever lived! I've done some things that I regret but for the most part, it's been incredible and I can't thank you enough for that. My life is better for having known you all and I know, no matter what, you’ll always be the ones doing the right thing.
Hopefully, this is a see you later (much later) and not a goodbye.
- Sirius.
James,
I have no idea to start this so please be patient. It's been a really intense month with you and I've wanted to wring your neck more than once. I’m adding this part on top of my original. I didn’t know if I wanted you handling the arrangements anymore but you’re still James, no matter what. I warn you now, though, I won’t have a purist going near my remains with what Bella’s said about my ever talented tongue. I won’t fucking have it, Potter. You follow this to the letter, you hear me? Maybe this part will never see you, because you will be my best friend and everything I loved about you will be back and you’d have listened when I told you that you didn’t change of your own accord.
And if you dare use my death as being in on something or to betray the Order, so help me, James, you’ll be betraying me and I hope that you care enough not to do that. I put all of my faith in you. I still do everyday. All I ask is that you do the same for me. Talk to your wife. Don't you think that I would have pitched a fit (a bigger one!) if I didn't think you loved her. You're James and Lily. You have a son together. You're in love, even if you don't believe that. I know you better than you know yourself, Prongs. I know when you're in love. You guys are like your parents were and I swear, when you eventually go belly up in many, many, many years, I will wring your fucking neck if you haven't at least admitted that.
Listen to me. You were taken, brainwashed and you let it happen because you're so fucking noble and brave and you wanted to save me. I got news for you, Potter. I'm dead. You can't save me, but you can help save the world. You can know what the truth is and we both know it, deep down. You'll never really lose me; you never could. I love you too much for that and the sad fucking fact is, you turned out to be my whole fucking life and as long you're still breathing, I know a part of me will be too. So listen to me. I'm not in danger and you have nothing to worry about. It's okay to be scared, because being brave is easy if you aren't scared. Being brave only matters when you're terrified. I learned that from you. Please be strong. Please understand that you can go back to your life without fear. Please understand that if you believe Travers over me even now, I'll wonder if you ever cared at all and that's bitchy and manipulative and I don't give a shit. I'm your best friend and you can't trust him. He changed you and I'm willing to bet, if he saw how well I know you and how much I care and how fucking good we are together, he'll have wanted me out of the picture. There's a good chance that's what's happened. If it is, I really hope you blow his head off, because there's been precisely one person allowed to get between us and that person is a certain ginger haired girl who showed me how much she loved you and that made her acceptable. You shouldn't be around him. He hasn't earned it and he never will. Never fucking forget who you are and then I'll never really be gone.
I'll get on to what I wrote when the Ministry was taken over now. I don't really feel differently about it, so it's intact. Try not to get anything wrong or boy are you ever in for an arse kicking when I see you again.
---
I can’t imagine dying unless it’s right beside you, but if I’ve managed to be a wanker and died without you, I hope it was at least an impressive death. If I’ve managed to crash on Shadow or something ridiculous, sorry, but you knew what you were getting into when you decided to be best friends with me. I can only hope maybe I died doing something I wanted to be doing like kicking the shit out of Death Eaters or making sure you get home to your wife.
So. If I’m dead, there’s a few things need doing.
1. Assuming there’s enough of me left - not sure what they did with Benjys bits, do you reckon someone has his head mounted somewhere? - I don’t want to be buried. You know I don’t like enclosed spaces. I want ashes. I don’t care what happens to the ashes, as long as you spread them somewhere. Do not keep them. Do not just leave them somewhere and forget. I am not your wand. 2. I don’t want a funeral. I mean it, James. I don’t want anyone more than the guys seeing me. Not even that if you can help it. I don’t want people getting upset and staining their journals and what have you. I won’t be the cause of any more upset. Have a party and talk about how great things were instead. I’ve had a great life. People should remember that. 3. Thank your mum for me. That woman is a fucking saint and should be told it at every available opportunity. Hug her. Tell her she’s responsible for every damn thing about that’s good because I think, to a degree, she is. Fuck that, just tell her she’s always going to be Mum to me, yeah? 4. Take care of Shadow. That bike means the fucking world to me and I won’t have people messing with her just cause I’m dead. If your sons/daughters want her, they can have her. 5. Look after yourself. Yes, that’s sentimental but I don’t give a damn. Have a long, amazing life with many children. Don’t give any of them my name. Children shouldn’t have something to live up to. It makes them fuck ups. 6. Take care of Moony. I realise with just two of you, it’ll be harder, but do your best. Don’t let him eat Peter. It’s probably bad for both of them. 7. Musical arrangements…Children of the Revolution. Good ol’ T-Rex, just like my seventeenth. Except this time, hopefully, I’ll have my trousers up!
Now that’s taken care of, here’s the sentimental shit you probably know but I’ll say it none the less. You changed my life. That probably gets said so much it’s lost the majority of its meaning but I was a different person before I met you. I remember getting sorted and all I could think about was I just wanted to be where you were because you were interested in the The Heir, you were interested in me and if you hadn’t have been, I’d have had a pretty lousy life. I’d have been married to someone I didn’t really like with kids who’d end up more messed up than I am.
Instead, this war aside, I’m happy and that’s all your fault. No life is perfect. No friendship is perfect, but with us, it’s close to it. I never thought I’d have a friend like that. I never thought I’d be in control of my own life and have the peace of mind of knowing that no matter what I do, you’ll always be there for me and if you’re reading this, then it turned out you were the most important person in my life and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I love you, you fucking idiot and I know if the position was reversed, I don’t know what I’d do. That’s a lie. I’d try and take the fuckers down and I do not want you to pull a Prewetts, alright? I’ll tell Evans she has to break out the chains if she has to. You’re going to be a father and you have a responsibility to be the best damn Dad you can be. It’s one I know you’ll live up to, because it’s everything I love about you. Your ability to rise to a challenge and still crack a joke about it.
I guess I can thank you for that and for the influence you’ve had on me. The idea of you not being a part of my life is intolerable, because I wouldn’t have a life if it wasn’t for you.
I guess there’s really only one thing left to say: I hope they have Quidditch in the afterlife. See you (much much) later!
Your best mate, Sirius.
Remus,
However I start this, it’s going to sound contrite so you’re going to have to deal with that. So…I’m dead. Not a huge surprise, I’m sure. I hope it was impressive, preferably taking down some masked moron. Extra points if it's got Lestrange as a last name.
James has most of the gritty details, but there are a few things that I feel I ought to leave with you. The first being the flat; I have a will. Flats yours. I don’t much care what you do with it. I have a couple of embarrassing Slade records that I am trusting you to make sure no one ever sees and if you can make sure my journal stays private, I’d appreciate it. Well...I guess Harry can have it when he's older. Just censor the sex stuff. I reckon he'll be a blusher. Clothes, photos, school things – they can go. Whatever is left of my inheritance is yours. James doesn’t need it. Pete needs a kick in his backside to show himself he’s a strong person underneath. You’re the most logical person. Don’t treat it as anything other than that. I know I can trust you with it.
I guess we're already on to the mushy crap. I don't even know how to say this. It's easier with other people, because I can say so much I don't actually have to but with you...I guess sorry is a big one. I'm sorry for being a shit to you. I'm not sorry for opening up old wounds. I think you need to deal with those things and when you don't, they only hurt you. I've seen the evidence. Sometimes I wonder if you've got as many scars inside as out and then I realise that's rude and I never ask. I just want to see you succeed. For someone I was so afraid of, I've realised that you're not something that I need to be afraid of. You're my brother, you know? The smart, always right one that gets on my nerves sometimes but that doesn't mean you're not family. Family is not defined by blood and not conquered by furry little problems. Family are the people who stand by you no matter what and you know I will. I would have.
Take care of the others. James, especially. I know he's being such a bastard right now but we're brothers, aren't we? All of us? We're stronger together and I still have faith, no matter how fatalistic I sound, that we can grind the bastards down and have some kind of life. I think Marlene would want that for you and you know I'm going to hug her for you. I won't even cop a feel. See, it's all sentimental and the like. In the end, you were always the strongest and I hope you know that. I love you guys more than anything in this world and you're just going to have to find someone else to spike your coffee or wake you up at six am to sing Happy Birthday or steal your covers because they're warm. I know you'll be okay.
I was going to include what I wanted to say to Marlene but...that's too hard for both of us. She was your wife and I can't imagine what you're going through. I have so many things other than that I want to say but I think I'm going to start actually crying if I say them. I think I need to just...leave things unsaid and hope you know how I feel by now because it's too damn hard to do this. Just hug Sammie for me and I'll just say goodbye for now.
Be safe,
- S.
Lily,
I bet you thought I was going to start that with Evans, didn't you? Hopefully, even after all of this time, I can still surprise you.
I spent so many years thinking of you as perfect-prissy-Lily-Evans and I remember hating you because it was like you never really had any problems, not really. As far as I was concerned, you weren’t good enough for James because you couldn’t possibly be human like that. The thing was, once I figured out you were human, you were a really great person. There aren’t many people I would trust with my best friend but you’re at the top of a very short list of people who were good enough. You guys are what made me really believe that you can have a family. I know it seems really bleak right now, assuming James hasn’t put on his big balls and come home yet, but it’s okay because I know you’ll be able to get him back. Just remind him how much he loves you. You do it every day, don’t you? Remind him, I mean, not shag him, though I got to say, that probably wouldn’t hurt your case.
There aren’t a lot of people I trust with my life. In fact, most of them have died already. You’re on there. Not just because of James, but because of you. You were the person that made me realise that muggleborn did not equal muggle because you could kick my arse in classes sometimes and you were better than most purebloods so how the fuck did blood matter then? Yeah, you were uptight but I did respect you and I still do. I more than respect you. I love you, in my own way. Not in the James way. Not even in that ‘Remus absolutely checked out your tits when he thought no one was looking back in school’ way, which isn’t to say they aren’t gorgeous (especially since Harry came along) but in that way that I still feel like you’re a part of my family. That was reserved for you and Marlene and I never thought it could feel worse than losing her, so call it cowardice, but if you’re reading this, I’m glad I don’t have to because I’ll be dead first. I told someone once that it’s harder to be those left behind and it is, but you’re brave and you’re strong and there is no one better equipt to help James and to raise a family with him than you.
I started trying to write a letter to Harry, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to tell him, other than his parents are the greatest thing since sliced bread and that if he doesn’t remember me, that his Dad and Uncles have loads of stories. Just not the sex ones until he’s sixteen, I reckon he’s going to be a blusher just like his Dad. Hopefully, he knows that he was loved, even if I didn’t get to be a part of his life growing up. He’s only a day old right now and I already know he’s going to be amazing, so if there’s something I regret, it’s not seeing that. Or maybe I did see it and we’re reading this, years from now when the war is over and we’re laughing about how melodramatic I was at nineteen, but the realist in me doubts it.
Be strong. James will blame himself. I know I would. You mustn’t let him. You have to do my job for me now and I’m really sorry. I just know there’s no one better for the job.
- S.
Peter,
For someone who is pretty quiet and rarely noticable, you wouldn't think you were the type of person that I would be friends with. Life's funny like that, because we weren't friends. The four of us, we were more than that and not in the way I know makes you a bit uncomfortable. I guess I just wanted to let you know that, well, I don't even know if you'll get this but I'll do it on the off-chance you're still in the centre and that James is a good enough bloke to take it, but that we were thinking about you. A lot, actually. I was talking to Alice about how you got me into Queen last week and how I've blown so much money on those records. It was worth it though, I really do love it. Do you remember that concert we went to in December? It was fantastic!
I know I'm rambling, but I'm dead, I'm allowed to ramble. I can't stand the fact that we started to grow apart, all of us. I don't think that changed how we felt about each other; at least it didn't with me. I still love you guys like family. No, not like, just family. That's not defined by blood or any of the other shit we have gone through in the last eight years. That won't ever change.
You're stronger than you know. You're stronger than I know. Strength isn't about who can throw the biggest punch. I might not have known that at school but I know it now. Sometimes, strength is getting through an ordinary day with your sanity in tact, which is more than I manage most days. I know you'll all take care of each other, because it's what we do.
Take care of yourself, too.
- S
Hestia,
I’ll spare you the ‘I told you so’ because I’m pretty sure that’s not what you want to hear. I’m a walking, talking disaster area and it was never going to end well, but it’s not really about the end so much it’s about the journey and it’s been an amazing one of those (way to delve into the mushy stuff, huh?) so I tend to think it’s okay.
I guess I’d like to say maybe things would be different with us without the war going on, but I think we both know we may never have had such great moments if it weren’t for it. Knowing you might die is great inspiration to get over your fears and you’re definitely one of those. Not just the Healer thing, which still scares me, but in the way that you’ve expressed some pretty strong feelings and I don’t know how to deal with that. It’s not an insult. The simple fact is, usually, once sex has entered the equation, things get weird for me. I distance myself, things get awkward (unless you’re Agnes but Agnes is awkward about everything so that worked out for the best) and generally, I don’t know how to deal with that person (see Mary MacDonald after seventh year for exhibit A). The idea that I could still be friends with someone and have that romanticism and shagging with is a foreign one. Or it was, anyway.
I won’t use the ‘l’ word because I won’t mean it. I reckon you know that. Don’t take any offence to it. I was pretty sure this love business was a crock people told themselves to justify hurting each other. I think James and Lily were the first people to show me otherwise, James’ parents aside and then Marlene and Remus had the most amazing marriage too, no matter what their problems and a part of me thought, maybe, just maybe, there is a place in my life for this. I guess you could say you’re the person that was that part of it. It was a good part. I was so afraid it would go boring and mushy but it didn’t. I had fun and I still care about you and that’s bloody miraculous. Then again, considering the strange circumstances in which we met, miracles aren’t all that uncommon with you, I think.
I guess I should get in some final requests while I can. Take care of people. I know you’ll do it anyway, but this Order, these people, are the best family I’ve ever known and sometimes, they need someone who’ll fix them up with a smile and that’s you. I’ve attached my notes on brainwashing and James’ specifically because in case I die before this is all over with him, it’ll be harder to help him if I’m not around. He’ll be difficult. He’s a very jealous person, something we have in common (you should have seen how I treated Lily when they first started going on) but don’t give up. I know you and Beth will do all you can for him and for the others in his position. We have a right to our own minds, even if we aren’t perfect. Who needs perfect?
I’ve attached all of these notes for you both to work with. Some of these things are very private, so I’d appreciate the discretion. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I’m not going to get really embarrassed. Lily and Remus and Peter and James. They’re okay. I shouldn’t have secrets from them, but I’d sort of appreciate if anything else you’d use your discretion on.
I don’t really know how to end this. It’s hard enough to imagine dying without saying goodbye to people. Have a good, long life and never give up. Remember to smile because sometimes it’s all you really have. Live your life the way you want to live it, Jones. You deserve that.
- S Enclosed:his notes for the past couple of weeks. -- more talkative with alcohol, but sloppier and prone to panic. -- according to him, this is what happened to him: "I was turned over. Betrayed. He said Peter had given him my location. Remus had helped. And Lily had agreed it'd be best to get rid of me. Marlene too, but Gaius must have been wrong. Marlene must have found out what happened and that's why they killed her. I don't know. My arm hurt. Gaius wasn't being very nice and he said they were after you next. I don't think I'm supposed to talk about this. I told him they didn't need you if they had me. That your family doesn't love you. They wouldn't want you. That I would be enough." -- it hurts to try to remember his first couple of days at the rehab centre. -- when i was 11, i didn't know what a muggle looked like up close. he told me it looked like everyone else. something seems to try and override that memory, but he does remember. -- he was hurt physically. Travers wouldn't heal him. Remind him. -- he 'doesn't want to talk about it'. bullshit, in 8 years, there's nothing he didn't want to talk my ear off about. -- fear tactics: "I didn't want it to be you. Not until later, when I knew that no one would hurt you because I was there and Gaius was my friend. Then I was selfish. I can't go back because if I do I know they'll get me again, and then they'll get both of us. They won't listen to me if I piss them off. They won't leave you alone." -- treat him like a child and he'll act like one. he's an adult, treat him carefully but not childlike. -- he's afraid his father might be disappointed in him for being a purist because his father hated his uncle charlus, who only wanted him when his son died. -- charlus looks like ira. he wants his dad. -- mrs p is very upset about the whole thing but fights bloody brilliantly. -- feels badly about the unforgivables, better with imperius, not angry enough for cruciatus. -- he hates my mum, that's a good sign. -- he adores his son more than anything in the world and doesn't care what blood he has. -- he promised to be here for my birthday. -- he alternately thinks he's free to being really scared. -- give him a cuddle and some apple juice. play t-rex. he'll smile. -- travers is very off my radar, find out more. -- fortune favours the brave. he is brave and there's no point in being brave if you're not scared.
Cissy,
Yes, I used the nickname. Deal with it.
We weren’t close, not really but in this case, it actually makes it better. I think you probably won’t miss me and that’s fine by me. A cool detatchment is what we do best in this family.
Except that it’s not, not really. Suppressing how you feel never changes it and I’ll admit, sometimes, I get sad about it. I do sometimes wonder what might have been but there’s no use: Bella was right about one thing, Cis and that was that in the end, we all end up who we’re supposed to be. That’s probably why you got your son in the end. I know that little girl with her dolls wanted to be a mother and I’m happy for you. Pretty scary, right? Don’t worry, I’m not about to get all mushy on you. I just need a couple of favours, now I can’t do them myself.
The first is Juls. I know you won’t like it, but I’d like the chance to say my own goodbyes so I’ve attached hers to this. If you wouldn’t mind passing it on, I’d appreciate it. The second attachment is something I haven’t had the heart to get rid of. I don’t mind if you read it, but as ridiculous as it sounds, the idea of getting rid of it feels like I’m admitting that one this ridiculous cover story is true, when we both know it’s not. On the off chance one day, ten years from now, he shows up fine and dandy and it was all just a big misunderstanding, I’d just want him to have it. If he doesn’t…well, no harm, no foul. I’ve forwarded the same things he gave to me before his disappeared: the photographs and memories of something he obviously cared enough about to send so you should have it. Don’t show it to Bella, she’ll burn them and the idea he took the time out of whatever he went through to send it makes the idea of destroying it intolerable.
There’s nothing else to say, as it was all said a long time ago. We both like our denial, so in true style of that, this isn’t so much a goodbye as it’s going to see both our fathers for a little while. Maybe things will be easier on the other side, or maybe we’ll still drive each other crazy. Either way, stay safe and remember where a mother’s loyalties are meant to be and I know you’ll be fine.
- Sirius Orion Black.
Enclosed: Regulus,
I’ve left this to be sent to Narcissa in the event that I stop breathing and if you’re reading it, she’s been good enough to send it on. We live in a very unstable world and I know that there is a good chance you’ll end up reading this if things continue as they are. There are certain things I can never say to you in person or on any other medium because there’s a chance I might have to see you again and I’m not sure I could face you after being honest with you.
Honesty is a funny thing. Sometimes a harsh truth is so hard to deal with that we perpetuate the lie to make things easier for ourselves. I’m trying to be honest with you, as much as I can be, so bare with me if it doesn’t always make a whole lot of sense.
I suppose I should start simple. I love you. Merlin, that’s even hard to write because we’re Blacks and we don’t do undignified things like expressing actual emotion. That doesn’t make it any less true. Even with everything that’s happened, you’re an integral part of my life. I miss you. You’re my baby brother and as much as you hate being called that, it’s how I always see you. The very first memory I have is of you trying to walk and falling. I like to think that you know I would’ve always been there to help you up if you ever needed it, but I don’t think that’s true.
I don’t regret leaving home. I know that if I’d stayed, in one way or another, I’d have died. I could never have been happy in that life and I hope that deep down, you understand that. I don’t have a lot of regrets in my life, but I regret leaving you behind. I know you wouldn’t have wanted to go. I know I messed things up between us because I left. I didn’t want to lose what we had but I couldn’t lose myself either. I thought that, at least this way, I might still be able to see you. Maybe I was deluding myself. I like lying to myself. It makes things so much easier.
I wish things could have been different. I wish I could have been everything you wanted in a brother. I wish I could have been strong enough to bare the burdens you now face as the head of the family. Maybe then Father wouldn’t have died. Maybe you could have had a life of your own. But sadly, I’m a coward. I couldn’t step up and do what was required when I was supposed to and you had to and I’m sorry I couldn’t spare you that.
There’s more I want to say to you but I can’t. It’s not that I don’t trust you. I’d trust you with my life. I just can’t explain it and that could be partially why I’m dead. If that is the case, please just know that all I really wanted was the war to be over and that I died doing something I believed in.
Please take care of yourself and remember that how you feel and what you think is ultimately the most important thing. Smile once in a while. It won’t hurt you. Cherish the things you love because you never do know when you won’t have the chance to anymore. Try to at least care for the person you marry. I don’t want you to end up like Father, holing himself away from the world and not really being happy. I want you to love the person you’re with ideally, but I don’t hold out much hope for that. Love your kids. They’re the only people that love you no matter how much you hurt them. That probably says so much more than I mean it to but you always understood subtext.
There's nothing else to say, at this point. Take care, baby brother.
- S
Andromeda,
I don’t know how to tell you how much you meant to me. You paved the way for me to think for myself and that’s brilliant. You’re stronger than you know and you prove that time and time again. You always put your daughter first and I’m not angry at you, even though sometimes I think you think that I am. I love you and you’re the only person last now from my life that’s been there from cradle to grave. Only I don’t want a grave. Talk to James, he’s got all the instructions and he better damn well do it. I won’t have him moping about like a big slug. He needs to learn to be happy instead.
Enclosed is the key to the lock up with all of the things from Uncle Alphards house. It’s in muggle storage, things like the paintings and the library and so on. I know it’ll mean more to you than anyone else because sometimes, you need to have ties to where you come from, even though it’s not always where you can stay.
Will you give Temperance to Dora? I know logically someone else might want her but I think Dora could use a guard dog now her Uncle can’t be around. I know she’ll have other uncles but I think Temperance could use a cuddle and Dora would be good at that. Make sure she knows she was loved, won’t you? I loved taking care of her. She’s beautiful and she’s going to be an amazing woman someday. I know you’ll be proud.
In the end, you’re one of the few people I hope I made proud. You’re a lot to live up to, Andromeda Black and I don’t know if I ever can or will but I’ve done my best.
I’ll give Ted your regards.
- Sirius.
Julianne,
I’ll keep this short because I’m fairly sure you know how I feel about you by now. We were friends most of our childhood and you’re one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. I know you have a lot of strength in you and I know you can be capable of great things. You’re still a friend, as far as I know and I care about you. I know you’re lonely and you’re sad and things don’t look as if they’ll ever get any better for you and I’m sure me kicking the bucket probably won’t help things, but maybe, just maybe, things will get better for you. I really hope that they do.
Please take care of yourself and try to be happy. Maybe one day, you will be again.