James Potter doesn't want to talk about it. (jamesopotter) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-07-30 01:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-07] july, james potter, lily potter (née evans) |
WHO: Lily and James Potter
WHERE: Godric's Hollow
WHEN: July 29, Late Night.
WHAT: Lily comforts James as Ira Potter slips away.
RATING: G
STATUS: Finished
His chest hardly rose with each breath. Lily squeezed his hand gently, leaning over him and brushing away a few locks of hair from his forehead. He hadn't gotten out of bed for several days, and each moment that he opened his eyes and recognized those in the room was held precious by those that came in and out.
Swallowing and releasing his hand into her mother-in-law's, Lily's eyes were fixed on her father-in-law. Her heart wrenched as she saw the way that the two hands fit each other perfectly. No matter that he had not woken in almost a day; the way each hand completed the other's made Lily half wonder if he was truly lucid this whole time.
The lack of time was stifling. Something inside of Lily told her that it would be tonight. She tried to take a deep breath and failed at it with her eyes open. Tears stung and her face wrinkled for a moment before she closed her eyes.
In the morning she and James would have lost three parents in just two months. He had been there for her, a pillar of strength for her to hold and weep on. Her sorrow had not been too great for James to take on. He never complained, he never made Lily feel as though she ought to move on, he had been perfect.
And now it would be her turn. She knew James didn't want to believe the truth. Lily had not had the heart to tell him how hopeless things had seemed from the very beginning. She'd denied what her eyes and heart had told her for his sake, out of the hope that she would be wrong.
Lily turned to face her husband and slipped her hand into his. Although she was terrified she could not do as much for him as he had done for her, and knowing full well that when she turned her face up to his she risked seeing the person she loved most in the worst pain he'd ever been in, Lily opened her eyes and looked up into his.
It was too much to handle, watching his mum stare at his father, and he felt like he was intruding on something even as a married man he couldn't completely comprehend. He knew full well how much his mother and father loved each other, but watching it here at the end... As if reading his thoughts, his mum looked up at James and gave him a sad smile.
"I think it's time for you to say goodnight Jamie," she said quietly. And James knew.
Standing up slowly and still holding on to Lily's hand tightly, he leaned over the bed and placed his lips to his father's forehead.
"Goodnight, dad," he whispered, his voice choking on the words. James could feel tears stinging harshly at the corner of his eyes, and a tear drop hit the center of the left lens in his glasses as he straightened himself up. He leaned over and kissed his mum on top of the head.
"Do you want us to stay?" he asked, feeling suddenly unsure that she should go through this alone.
Mrs. Potter shook her head and turned to look again at her dying husband without another word. Helplessly James walked toward the door, aware suddenly that he was putting a great deal of weight on Lily as they walked.
"Sorry," he mumbled, pulling away ever so slightly, hating that he might be making this harder for his wife than it ought to be.
"Don't," she whispered, pulling her fingers apart from his for only a moment, to wrap that arm around his waist, moving her other arm across her from to link her fingers with this again. She closed her eyes, leaning her head against his shoulders and pulling him closer to her so that it was hard for them both to move. She took a deep breath and looked back up at him.
"James," she said. "It's going to be alright," her voice wavered as she spoke, but she steeled her eyes to be free from tears as she said it. Things would be different. Things would never be the same and there'd always be that hole. She knew. If she could take all the pain, all the frustration and all the sorrow that this would cause him, she would. She would do it in a heartbeat. Lily lifted her head off his shoulder and guided them back to their room. The others might interrupt them, and Lily wasn't sure that was best at the moment. James needed to sit down, to breathe, to let everything out.
She squeezed his hand tightly as they moved down the hallway. Keeping her arm tightly around his waist as though she was afraid he'd fall without her, Lily opened the door and led him inside. Once they were in she closed the door and looked at him. She had never seen James overcome with sorrow. She didn't know if he'd scream, if he'd throw things, or if he'd cry. Lily was nervous that she wouldn't be able to make things right, but she wasn't going to leave the room until things were.
James stood close to Lily and closed his eyes, letting his cheek fall on top of her head as he tried to remember what it was exactly that a person did when they walked into a room. It was like his mind had stopped on a photograph of the last look he'd taken of his father, and it was stuck there. Numbly he walked toward the bed and sat down on the edge. He leaned over and took off both his shoes in absolute silence, an placed them next to each other neatly, something that James never did.
He looked up at Lily, his eyes wide in a way that made him look much more like a scared Hogwarts student than James Potter, Order Member.
"He's not going to-- He's--" James began, but once again, his voice shook and he refused to speak if he couldn't control what he was saying. He wasn't going to fall apart. He wasn't. He took a deep breath and let himself lean back against the headboard. "I love you," he settled on, saying the one thing he knew he could manage to get out without any fears or doubts hidden inside. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Lily's eyes closed as he pressed his cheek against her hand and one of her hands rose up to stroke his cheek gently. She stood and watched as he removed his shoes, studying him as though his very actions would tell her how she needed to respond to him, what she needed to say. Once he paused she strode toward him and stood right next to him, her legs against his. She took his head into her hands and leaned down to kiss it, taking slow and steady breaths, hoping she didn't muck this up.
"James." She sank down into the bed next to him and pulled an arm around him. A part of her wondered if it'd be easier if he'd just be angry, if he could rage instead of put his shoes down properly. He was so quiet, so uncertain. "Look at me," she said, cupping his chin in her hand. "I know. I know." Tears blurred her vision for a moment but she forced them back with several hard blinks. "It's his time. He's peaceful right now. He's had such a long life, he's had such a good life." She swallowed and wrapped her arms around him. "I love you," she said, speaking against his neck.
James nodded as he looked into Lily's green eyes. She was right, of course, just like Lily was always right, but it hurt so much to let him go. James had never hurt this much in his entire life. Even after Lily's parents had died, there had been sadness, but there had been so much anger that it was easy to lose anything else. Here, where could the blame fall but time? It scared him. Death Eaters you could fight, but fate-- death-- they were outside of the wandwork of even the most powerful wizards and his father was about to be lost to them both.
"Don't ever leave me," he said, his voice scratchy now, even though he'd still yet to cry in a way that would make it that way.
The thought choked him, and finally James couldn't hold it in, no matter how hard he tried, and he coughed as a quiet cry shook his chest against his will. He hated for Lily to see him like this, but at the same time he needed her close.
Lily held him close, sitting in his lap and wrapping her arms around him as though with such a gesture she could hold him together, keep him from falling apart into a hundred pieces. "I'll never leave you," she said. She remembered the way Mr and Mrs Potter's hands melted together in familiar and worn curves. One day she and James would be that connected. The dream of growing old with him was firm in Lily's mind and she refused to let the dangers of the war blot that out from her. One day they would be so much of a part of another that it was hard to see where she ended and he began. And yet, as beautiful as that vision was to her it brought an even greater price. After years of loving and knowing James, how would she go on without him? Her arms grew even tighter around him as she considered this.
"I know how much this hurts," she whispered, tucking her chin between his neck and shoulder.
James nodded. Of course Lily knew. He hardly had any right at all to this kind of pain when Lily had watched her own parents murdered in front of her. But he knew she wasn't making slight of his grief with her statement. He knew how much she loved his parents, and he knew how since they'd been married, it had been almost like any emotion one felt, the other felt as well. It was all fun and games when those feelings were about annoyance at the Ravenclaws, or amusement at Remus and Marlene's peacock stealing, but now-- James almost wished he had to endure this all on his own to spare her from it. Almost.
The selfish part of him was glad for the comfort and the warmth of a body so close to his own. He tilted his head to the side to give her a kiss on the cheek, but paused when he heard a door open and shut in the hallway. Having lived all but a year of his life in this house, he knew that it was his parents' door, and the footsteps hurrying down the stairs could only belong to his mother.
"That must be it then," he said quietly, reaching up to pull off his glasses as they steamed over with tears he could no longer be bothered to control.
Lily drew his glasses off of his face for him, folding them and putting them to the side so that nothing could stop the tears from flowing. She knew he needed to let these fall, that he needed to let things out. The last thing Lily wanted was for James to try and hold it all in and bury it deep within his heart and form a callous that she could never wear down.
"He went peacefully," she said, trying to hold the sorrow she felt from bubbling out of her voice. She did love his parents. They had never been anything but wonderful to her and had cared for her so well in the aftermath of her own parents' death. She kissed his wet cheek, squeezed him tight and grasped to find the right words. "And he was always so proud of you, he loved you so much." It was hard to believe that he would not be just down the hall. Checking his room had become a habit of Lily's, and now she would have to stop herself each time she went for the door. How much harder it would be for James.
James nodded. In the middle of a war, a peaceful death was probably more than any of the rest of them were going to get, which caused James to shudder and cough to break up his quiet tears.
"It seems strange, not having anyone to rail against," he said, scooting down a bit more against the pillows as the weight of the last day of waiting (not to mention the last 4 months of waiting if James was honest with himself) began to hit him. You can only put off feeling things for so long before even the great James Oorion Potter couldn't fight them anymore. But then as soon as James truly let himself feel the hurt, he got equal measures of comfort from the closeness of his wife, and the tears slowed until they stopped.
"We're going to have a lot to do," he said, pulling Lily closer as he shifted down deeper into the bed, pulling up the covers half-heartedly. "I'll need to owl out of work. We're going to have to plan another funeral," he added. "But at least this time we'll be able to look at him. This seems so... surreal. That this is what should be normal for us, not the other way around."
She wiped away his last tears and watched him, waiting for more to come. Lily loved his devotion to his parents. This fierce loyalty had been one of the traits she'd fallen in love with. A man who loved and respected his parents as much as James did had to be a person of substance. She lay her head across his chest, her cheek on his heart and snuggled close to him, remembering the sense of loss in the first few days after she lost both her parents.
"You could always rail against time," she said. "For moving too fast." She squeezed his side. "I hope time stops for us." She wanted forever with James. How long would they have? She knew this was a dangerous war, she knew their lives would always be at stake. "But we can only enjoy each moment. And as long as I have you, I know I will." One of Lily's hands drew up against his side and then ran through his hair.
"I'll send the owl for you," she told him. "And I'll do as much of the planning for your mum as I can..." If Mrs. P would let her, of course. She pulled the covers up and around him.
"You don't have to Lils," he said automatically, reaching up to nudge her down next to him close. "I should be taking care of things," he said, struggling with letting Lily take care of him when she'd already gone through so much recently. "Though I'd probably have about as much luck convincing the wall of that as you, huh?" he asked, with a small glimmer of himself in his eye. He knew his wife, and part of the reason he'd ever loved Lily was because he'd never been able to push her around.
When he'd managed to kick his way under the covers and then let her adjust them over him he rolled to his side, and stared up at the girl he'd married.
"We're going to have another 70 years together to rail against time and enjoy the moments," he said, hoping that if he believed it enough it would be as true for them as it was for his parents. "Mum and dad didn't go through setting that sort of example to have us waste it," he said quietly, the hurt of even mentioning his father stinging at his feelings, but wanting to be strong and remember him for the man he was.
"That's about right, yeah," Lily said, continuing to run her fingers through his hair. She smiled at him, refusing to let the sadness she felt over Mr. P (and with the memory of her own parents) show on her face for his sake. Lily had felt so useless when her parents died, and it was Petunia who had done the majority of the work for the funeral. She wanted to help James out, she wanted to make things easier for her mother-in-law. She kissed his forehead and drew her hand away from his hair and wrapped her arms around him. "Seventy or more," she agreed. Seventy seemed like far too small a number, staring at James. He was so much more than she had ever hoped for, and she didn't want to ever, ever lose him. "And maybe we'll get our hands on a time turner someday and we can multiply that." Although Lily had once worried that James would stop wanting to be around her so much once he finally 'caught' her he'd proved her so completely wrong, and now she was more than confidant that they'd be happy together forever.
"Alright, Potter?"
James nodded.
"I'm going to miss him," he said quietly. "But I'm alright. As long as I have you, I can get through the rest," he whispered as he leaned over to grab his wand and put out the light. "I love you, Lils. I'm not sure I say it enough, but you're my world."
Lily smoothed his shirt with her hand as she curled her body against his, tucking her face around his neck and breathing in his smell. "You'll always have me," she said. "And you, James, are all I really need." She kissed his neck softly and closed her eyes, pleasently surprised at how peaceful things felt just then, no matter the deep loss they had just experienced. The sadness was not done with, of course, and there would be fresh pains in the morning. Yet it didn't matter, they had each other. They would be okay.