Severus Snape is tired of the lies. (fortiscadere) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-07-02 22:40:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-07] july, ! npc, astra lestrange (née avery), severus snape |
RPG Log: Severus Snape & Astra Avery
Who: Severus Snape & Astra Avery, npc! Eileen Snape
When: 2 July 1979, Wednesday evening
Where: Snape residence, Spinner's End
What: Reading to Severus' mother, a completely appropriate and proper activity.
Rating: PG-ish
Status: COMPLETE.
After the events of the night before, Severus Snape was exhausted. His best intention had been to wake up extremely early on Wednesday morning so that he could get to work early, but when he'd ran off half cocked to save Agnes from werewolves, he'd disrupted that intention completely. He realised that he was just going to have to beg forgiveness from Master James, and hopefully he would be allowed to come in later in the evening and make up the work he'd been going to do in the morning. There was a scholarly element to the work as well as the practical, but the practical was that he simply kept shop. An apprenticeship required more from Severus than he'd expected that it would, and there were evenings he didn't leave until very late. He'd wanted to finish the duties that he had daily early, but with Agnes at his house, the plans had changed. Luckily, his Potion Master didn't seem to mind if Severus did the daily things in the evening rather than in the morning, so Severus left work around three and Apparated back to Spinner's End so that he could return Agnes (hopefully) before Astra arrived. He did not want to contemplate what explanation would be required for both of them in the same house - his house. Leaving Agnes at the Hog's Head, he'd stayed around to make certain she was all right and he'd talked to Dumbledore for a few moments just to make certain she'd be all right. Then, as it'd been nearly an hour later after all was said and done, he'd apparated from the back alley to within walking distance of Spinner's End. Severus smoothed back his hair as he walked towards his house. After a day with potions he knew it probably looked atrocious: luckily, Astra didn't seem to mind. Or at least, she never acted as if she did. Then again, perhaps that was merely a sign that she considered him only a friend. Severus stuck his hand into his pocket but a minute later removed it to smooth his hair once again. Over the past week he had realised that the thing with Lily was never going to go away completely. And even as it hurt more than he would care to admit to anyone, that didn't mean he couldn't find something else did it? He did care about Astra. He was excited when something excited her, and he could talk to her more openly in many ways than he ever felt he could talk to Lily. Yes, there was propriety and rules of decorum to follow, but however Agnes or Black might mock such things, Severus actually found them almost freeing. He didn't have to spend so much time worrying if people would be offended. He'd reached the door to the row house, and he stood on the step, straightening his shirt, pushing his hair behind his ears, and hoping that he didn't look a total fright. Perhaps he should have taken a break and visited the toilet. The mirror in the back bathroom was a sheet of metal and so was not the best, but perhaps something would have been better than nothing in this instance. He undid the wards on the door and stepped into the hallway, closing it behind him. He could hear Astra's voice from the living area, and see her just slightly through the door. A smile played around his lips, it was nice to have her here when he came home. It was something he thought he could get used to. He hung up the cloak, removed the book bag he carried with him from his shoulder, and stepped slowly forward so that he could see both his mother - whether she was listening or not it was somewhat difficult to tell - and Astra sitting together. He hesitated to interrupt her, so he prepared himself to watch her for as long as she continued reading. Astra was nearing the end of the chapter and had been glancing up every so often, wondering where Severus was. He hadn't promised he'd be there, of course, but she certainly hoped he would, and if he didn't arrive soon she'd have reached the natural end point and dallying would have looked rather odd. Movement in the doorway alerted her to his presence finally though, even as she pretended not to notice, continuing the last two paragraphs in a steady, melodic voice that would be easy for his mother to follow. It was only when she finished, closing the book and settling it in her lap, that she looked up to meet Severus' gaze. He looked tired and worn out, likely from the work he'd put in over the day - she had no real concept of what exactly a day at work entailed, whether the job was a potions apprenticeship or selling Quidditch supplies, so it really couldn't seem out of the ordinary to her whether he looked a mess or not. She smiled at his presence anyway, glad to see him no matter his condition. "Good evening," she greeted, tone warm and fond. "We've just been covering Cimon of Athens. I hope work was productive?" There weren't many people who had seen the genuine smile that Severus gave Astra as he walked into the room. He stopped by his Mother, who had turned her head to look at him when Astra had spoke. He dropped a light kiss on Eileen's cheek. He was tired, and would probably not sleep for several hours yet, but it would be worth it in the end. He and Astra hadn't really spoke at the Morning Party, and any time at the Avery's there were likely to be chaperons more tenacious than his mother. "It was," he nodded. "I had the opportunity to play a bit with newt this afternoon. It seems rather elementary, when I put it like that, but it was mostly experimentation. I've got a better feel of how it reacts to various ingredients now." Eileen shifted in her chair, looking at both her son and the young woman who had been to read to her several times. She knew the name Avery, of course. Severus had brought Aquila around - at least some - since Tobias had died, and more recently, the young woman. Eileen Snape was quiet, and she might have appeared ill, but her mind had not gone completely. She was astute enough to realise that the Avery's had money, and because she recognized the last name, she knew they were pureblood as well. The girl was a pretty thing, and very kind, and Eileen looked at her son as he greeted his friend, watching him and trying to decide if her intuition, as rusty as it might be, were correct. Severus looked over at his Mother and back to Astra. "I'm sure your throat is dry after reading for so long," he motioned to the kitchen. "Can I make you and Mother some tea or get you some water?" "Oh, tea would be lovely, but let me help," she demurred, rising to her feet and setting the book on the end table instead. "You look tired." It wasn't entirely an excuse to be in his company - in fact, it was actually the first thing that did spring to mind, that she should help rather than let him wait on them. Perhaps it was her nature, or having been raised as a hostess, but the idea of letting a man wait on two women seemed slightly wrong to her, even if it was Severus' house. It was only when she started for the door that she realised it would be a chance to be technically alone with him, working together even on something so simple as brewing tea. Her grasp on potions was not nearly as good as his - but then, few people's were - but she had some knowledge of the subject, enough for light conversation that wasn't just smiling and nodding, even if she did some of that as well. "I always find I understand something better if I experiment with it," she agreed. "Even something as simple as a herb, by replacing ingredients in a recipe you can find out for yourself what works. It's better than just trusting a book, it helps you learn why you do what you do." Severus started to protest her helping him with the tea, but he realised that his mother would stay in the living area, and he didn't mind the brief opportunity it would give him and Astra to be together so he smiled and he followed her into the rather small kitchen. He opened the cupboard door, and pulled out the tin of tea leaves. He could have done all of it with his wand, but there was something rather relaxing in doing it by hand. Tea was such a small thing, but very precise, similar to potions if it came to that, and Severus preferred doing it himself. "I'm not much of a cook," he said in response to her comment. "But I can imagine that it would be that way. It makes sense even, as it's mixing ingredients. Just a different ultimate goal than what you have if you're mixing a potion." He motioned to the cupboard next to her, feeling odd to ask her to get cups, but then she had offered to help, and seemed to want to. "The cups are in that one." "How was she when you got here?" He asked, lowering his voice slightly, obviously discussing his mother. It seemed to him as if his mother had been so quiet and unmovable of recent, he really hoped that she had at least been dressed when Astra had arrived. It was easy to move in kitchens; no matter what they were like, it seemed people had an innate instinct over how to arrange them, where to place things so they'd be easy to find. Astra's movements were smooth as she turned to the cupboard, getting out three mugs, reaching for the jar of sugar, locating the top drawer that would almost certainly contain spoons. "She was dressed," she replied, voice equally soft, "though not walking around, just sitting on the settee with a blanket. I think she'd come down for a drink of water or something and hadn't gone back to bed. That's a good sign, isn't it? She seemed to enjoy the reading, too." In the confined space of the kitchen she could feel their arms brushing up against each other every so often, and forced back a small blush. Severus was her brother's friend. Well, he was hers as well, but-- Oh, why did everything have to be so complicated? She liked spending time with him, and that was enough to be getting on with. Every time Severus felt her arm brush up against his, his stomach seemed to turn over. She was beautiful, and she smelled nice, and Severus really wished that his situation was slightly different. That he had, at least, pure blood or money - one at least, would give him a good shot. For surely Mr Avery wouldn't turn down a halfblood with more money than the Avery family, would he? It didn't matter, though, because Severus was certain Mr Avery would turn him down, if he didn't laugh him out of the country first. "I would think so," Severus said, with a bit of a sigh. The water went into the pot and he shot a boiling charm at it with his wand. "But I don't know. Last week there were two mornings she didn't get out of bed most of the day - If she needed water or tea during the day she didn't go and get it, or if she did she went straight back to bed. I did mention to her yesterday that you might come by, so at least she remembered that and was dressed." He considered. "I suppose that's a better sign really, because if she remembered that, then she got up, got dressed, and was actually concerned that she was ready for you to read." He leaned back against the wooden counter top, arms crossed over his chest, and he gave Astra an admiring glance. It didn't matter where she was, did it then? She looked perfectly at ease most places, even here at Spinner's End, where he felt that she would be horribly uncomfortable. He wanted to say something to her about the idea of them, but he wasn't certain what to say. There were times he thought she looked at him with admiration and respect and possibly something else, but he was afraid that perhaps he was merely making things up. Perhaps not even so long ago Astra might not have been so comfortable in the stark surroundings of Severus' house; even the first few times she'd visited, it had been an education in the class system that was most definitely still present in England. But of course she had known that, had been raised as part of it, she'd just never seen the other end. By now she was more used to the place, and it would never effect how she saw Severus - it wasn't his surroundings that made him who he was, but himself, and her opinion was only that it was dreadfully unfair that someone like him should be subjected to this when people like Sirius could have anything they wanted, and threw it away. Severus, she thought, was far more worthy than him. She nodded in agreement, watching the water reach boiling point in the kettle. "And that she was anticipating it. Hopefully looking forward to it. It might be a small thing, but it's good, I like to see her good days." Now she hesitated, upbringing making her reluctant to speak about anything that might even allude to money when there was clearly such a difference in their financial situations, but she forged ahead anyway. This was hardly a mere acquaintance that she needed to worry about offending. "The rooms are looking better, too. I think that helps." When he'd invited her into his house, Severus had been required to swallow his pride in regards to his lack of material wealth. It wasn't as if he would flaunt it in front of her, nor would he bring it up, but it was clear if you stepped into Spinner's End, that the house had not exactly been kept up. It was a small row house, in an industrial London city, and there was nothing about it that spoke anything but Working Class, which considering that was the social stratosphere into which Severus had been born, made perfect sense. "I wish I was around to see her good days more," he said quietly. The apprenticeship would be only a few more months, and then another few months on top of that to earn the title Potions Master, and then he could hopefully spend more time at home. This was what he kept telling himself, although he knew that in reality he would be in charge of his own work then, and it would likely keep him away just as frequently as working for somebody else. "The rooms do improve tremendously though," he glanced over at her and smiled. "I know you needed the place to practise, but it was a benefit to us as well. Her bedroom is so much more homey than it was before and I would never had the time or the knowledge to do it myself." Sev noticed the water boiling. "Would you like to pour?" He asked her, as he waved his wand at the water to cease the heating. Severus could pour the water over the tea leaves, and the final brewed cup would be quite decent, but it seemed that in society, it was a woman's job, and Severus didn't mind that. Rules, again, were more freeing in this circumstance than restricting. Knowing what was expected of her was certainly something Astra liked; she could read her surroundings, but she was not one of those people who always knew exactly what to say or do. Perhaps she seemed it, at times, but quite a lot of it was fitted into a framework of social interaction policy that had been woven into her her entire life. And, to be honest, there were things she wanted to say - or do - that she simply stalled on. Her mother had died far too early to really speak to her about courting. She was missing that sorely, lately. Pouring tea, though, that was easy, and the movements likely appeared as natural as breathing as she poured exactly the correct amount of water into each cup. "Not all of it was me, was it? I thought I saw some new additions." Just little things, but still changes for the better. "A few," he admitted. "I've done some changes in the sitting room," he'd have liked to have called it a library, but that seemed to grand for what it actually was - a room with a settee and chairs and some book shelves that weren't quite filled with books. "Hopefully I'll have time to do more in the next few weeks." He watched her pour the tea and was silent for a moment. Severus had spent most of his life struggling to make sense of people that simply didn't make sense. Neither of his parents had been particularly affectionate or romantic - in fact a healthy relationship between his parents was something Severus doubted had ever existed or could ever exist if he were honest - and that lack had been something Severus had felt consciously or subconsciously for most of his life thus far. He had failed horribly when it came to Lily, and while he was intrigued by Agnes, he wouldn't call it healthy, particularly. With Astra he felt the very real desire to actually do something right with her. He just wasn't always certain what that right thing would be, which made it really difficult. He pulled a tray from a nearby cabinet and laid it on the counter, moving the tea cups, and the tea pot to the tray, as well as the sugar that Astra had gotten out earlier. "I suppose that's ready isn't it then?" She nodded, though it was mostly the basic level - at home, with proper guests, there would be much more provided. This was just a cup of tea between friends though, and for that it was perfectly adequate. "We'd best go and see how she is." Her voice remained light, she hoped, not betraying any odd disappointment in the idea of leaving the kitchen and going back to their chaperone. There was no reason for it, because they didn't even need a chaperone. It was just this mess with Sirius' ideas, none of which had any truth in them whatsoever. Not even a little. Or so it would have to appear in public, because even if Severus did care for her, if there were any whisper made known to anyone else it would seem as if the damnable toerag had been right all along and they'd been hiding things. The whole situation was a complete mess, in that regard. It was so much safer if they were just friends. Picking up the tray, having plenty of practice at balancing them, she gestured with a nod of her head to the door to indicate that Severus should go first as she followed him back through the house to the living room. Severus did go first, although he felt a bit guilty about doing so. The living room was just as they left it, although as he entered it, Severus realised that his Mother had fallen asleep. He bit his lip wondering if he should wake her, and wondering also if Astra would notice that she had - but that was silly, of course she would notice when she went to give Eileen the cup of tea. He stepped in and to the side so that Astra could go in front of him to the small table where she could put down the tray. But was he relieved? Conversation with his mother was always so difficult, and if he and Astra had sat there trying to include her in the conversation as politeness dictated they should, it would only have been awkward. Or at least it would have been for him, perhaps not for Astra, and he realised again how much he appreciated her ability to put everyone at ease. He glanced at Astra and gave her a small embarrassed smile. "It seems she's fallen asleep," he said thoughtfully. "I suppose we shouldn't wake her." What did propriety dictate? Did they stay in the room with the sleeping person who was technically their chaperon, or did they go somewhere so that they wouldn't risk waking her up. "Or should we wake her?" He glanced over at Astra. She would know what to do, and he'd follow her lead, although he honestly hoped that she would agree that Eileen should sleep, which would allow the two of them by default a chance for conversation in person without other ears overhearing them. Astra's first thought was to wonder how light a sleeper Eileen was. The house was not graced with several different parlours for different purposes, so a private conversation would likely be held either in a far corner of that same room, or... probably somewhere she oughtn't really be unchaperoned. And while she could not honestly say she strictly had no problem with constant supervision for her conversations with Severus, there was still hesitation and reluctance in the idea of taking too many liberties, especially when she remained unsure of his exact feelings. Why were these things so confusing? she lamented again. "We should leave her to rest," she decided, voice soft as it had been in the kitchen. "We can go and sit by the window so as not to disturb her, I think." She picked up her tea carefully, with a mind for the hot liquid, and moved to take a chair across the room. If they spoke quietly, all should be well. The response felt reasonable to Severus, and he quickly picked up two of the wooden chairs to move them across the room towards the window. These days his mother seemed able to sleep through a good deal more than he ever thought she should sleep through. Setting the chair down, he motioned to Astra and went to retrieve his tea. The cup was warm, and he was careful as he returned to the window and took a seat across from her. With the two of them sitting there close to each other, he tried not to think about the fact that there really wasn't anyone around that could overhear what they said. He tried his tea, but found that it was still rather hot. "Do you ever just feel like you're not quite certain what you want to do next?" He asked her, thoughtfully. He supposed it was a rather deep question for the afternoon, but they'd already talked about how his mother had been doing and changes to the house. The small talk had been covered, really, and one of the things he appreciated about Astra was that they weren't necessarily narrowed to small talk. And it was a question he'd had on his mind. Because part of him wanted to tell her exactly what he was thinking, but it was that question of whether it was time to do so. And what if she didn't feel the same way, or what if she was uncertain because of his bloodline? She tilted her head thoughtfully at the question, it being one that seemed to require thought rather than a flippant reply. Of course it could be interpreted a couple of ways, whether "next" was in the immediate, or the mid- or the long-term, and that would affect her answer as well. "I think... a lot of the time, it's like just being in limbo. I know where I'm supposed to end up, but I don't see how to get there, and I'm not sure if I should even be thinking about starting yet, or if I should be waiting for someone else to decide when I'm ready, whether I should be pro-active or just leave it up to my father. And even when I look at my options, if I feel drawn towards one... I don't know if that means it's the right one, or if I just want it to be the right one. It's complicated." Though, her father had never denied her anything, especially since her mother's death. Surely she could talk him around if he was initially against something? He did say he wanted to see her happy, after all. Severus turned his cup in his hand, allowing it to warm his fingers slightly before he turned it again so it couldn't get too hot. "I think I feel that too, the bit about not knowing if it's the right decision or if you merely want it to be the right one. I suppose I could be very pragmatic and suggest that the decision is the right one if it feels right, but I'm not certain that's always the case." He paused, considering his words more carefully. "I know there are things feel right to me," he glanced up at her to see if he could catch her eye. Because he was talking about her - well them - and he did want her to know that. "And I know that I'm supposed to step out and take initiative sometimes, but that's a bit nerve wracking, really. Because what if it's not right? Or what if you believe it's right and someone else doesn't believe it's right? What then?" Astra was getting a strong feeling that there was a second conversation going on here, one that didn't dare put itself into words but was equally - no, more important than the one they were having verbally. "It's hard trying to second guess what people will approve of," she admitted in a soft voice, looking down at her lap. It wasn't that she didn't want to look at him, but there was something very intense about his eyes at the moment, something that made her stomach twist. "And-- what they're thinking. No matter how you know a person, you can't know their thoughts, or-- feelings. You might think you'll know exactly how they'll react, but so little of them is on the surface that you can never know." She wasn't looking at him and Severus took a sip of tea to help calm down his nerves a bit, and it gave him an obvious break to drink, swallow, and think for a few seconds about how to respond. "We all hide so much," he said. Possibly not entirely true, as he was certain Agnes didn't hide much, but then he didn't want to talk about her right now. "And it is frustrating not knowing... I guess the only thing for it is to actually share things with people and hope that it turns out all right in the end." But saying it, and actually saying what he was thinking about Astra were entirely different things. He didn't know where to begin with Astra, and he was afraid that it was a lost cause whatever he might say. "Which I'd only want to say it to a few people anyway," he added. "Some people might live their life sharing everything with everyone, but I've never been one to do that. I kind of was discouraged from doing that rather early on in my life." He glanced over almost subconsciously at his mother, he didn't want to hurt her, but with Tobias' hatred of magic, anything Severus and Eileen did that taught him magic couldn't have been repeated in his company. "Dad didn't like things," he said quietly, but he didn't want to dwell on that either. Thoughts of his father meant that he couldn't help but wonder about his Mother's current mental state, and if he were responsible. He looked back up at her and kept his eyes on her face. "What's more important to you, Astra? Being loved and..." his voice softened a bit, although there was no danger Eileen were awake. "Desired, or doing what's required of you?" It was actually a difficult question. Some people might not have understood that, but there was so much safety and comfort in the traditions of society, guidelines for behaviour that had been built on for generations and generations. Astra had seen people kicked out of their families, and the idea scared her. She didn't think it would ever happen to her, of course. Her father loved her, and Aquila adored her, and vice versa, and it wasn't as though she wanted to run away with a Muggle. Severus was talented, and dedicated, and knew how to behave, and though she didn't dig into exactly what it was people did for the Dark Lord, she got the impression he did well. Surely... if he felt the same way... if that was actually what they were talking about... she'd be able to convince her father? "I-- I think, it would be very lonely, not to be loved. Or to not love in return." "I agree," he said, relaxing slightly, if only slightly. Maybe he wasn't wrong in thinking that she cared for him somewhat. But did she love him? Because that would be what it would take if the two of them had any chance at all - and part of Severus was convinced they did and part of him was convinced he was a mental case. "I understand duty, of course. Duty and responsibility are extremely important. I've been thankful that I've been able to fulfill my duties to the Dark Lord so adequately." He'd gotten moved up in the tier, and part of him wanted to mention that, but he decided that it was just bragging, and he didn't want to boast. "So, I understand needing to fulfill something required, but it seems sort of fruitless if there's no love there, doesn't it? If the only reason you're doing it is because of duty, or responsibility, not because there's someone you care about that you want to take care of?" He shrugged lightly and once again took a sip of his tea. "Someone you can talk to about most anything? Someone to share those dreams with," He looked over at her and gave her a smile. "I guess I'm waxing poetic a bit, aren't I?" "A little," but she liked that sometimes. A lot of men only ever spoke practically, about problems and solutions and matters of importance, and while that was all well and good, and quite necessary at times, it was nice to be able to indulge in flights of fancy as well. She had her female friends, of course, but surely such a huge point of delineation between the sexes wasn't strictly necessary. "Of course it's best when it all ties in together, but.. I suppose sometimes you have to fight for what you want. It's what we're doing socially, after all." And that was one of the rare times when she'd refer to their actions out loud, even when she couldn't be overheard by anyone. A large part of her clean, innocent image was her apparent obliviousness, and she wasn't unaware of that. She had been sorted into Slytherin, after all, even if it had been partly because of her request to be with her brother. "That's one thing I have rather a lot of practise in," Severus said. "I think I've been fighting for I want probably since the day I first did magic, really." Severus had mentioned bits and pieces of his childhood to Astra over the years, although Aquila probably had a far better idea than she did of the details. "My Dad didn't know, you know," he said quietly, sharing something that he really hadn't even shared with Aquila. "He didn't know Mum was a witch until I did magic. Rather a shock, I suppose, but I don't see how that meant he needed to take it out on me. So, I had to fight for that, before I even really got a wand. Luckily Mum was on my side, and neither of us were likely to give in." The unspoken question Severus would never ask in the presence of his mother, and the one he would probably never know the answer to was why Eileen had chosen to marry a Muggle. He didn't understand it, would never understand it, and was sympathetic only because had they not married, Severus wouldn't have existed. "And I thought Hogwarts would be better," he considered the tea in the cup in front of him. "But really, it was hard too. And I suppose that's a good thing, cause I'm used to it now. And if I didn't have to work for it, I might not truly appreciate it. I just can't help but hope someday I'll be able to fight a bit less and be able to actually have what I want and enjoy having it." His eyes looked up for hers, looking for her response. Severus' emotions were a bit confusing to him and Lily's constant presence in his life confused them even further, but he could have honestly said that he did want Astra and for keeps, not just because she was beautiful, or because she was pureblooded, but because he honestly just wanted her. It was nice to think about coming home to someone other than just his Mum, and to have that someone anxious to see him. He wanted to be the most wonderful person in someone's life, and if it wasn't Lily's, then someone else. One thing Astra knew how to do was listen, and listen well, because she was genuinely interested in other people - particularly this other person. It wasn't often that Severus revealed much of his past, and when he did she liked to soak up whatever she could to try and improve her picture of him, to understand where he was coming from. So much about their lives was different, and those differences weren't a bad thing, or a good thing, just-- different. When he looked up he caught her gaze easily, and for a moment she didn't say anything, unsure of the words that would be appropriate here. She didn't know what to do, whether to take a leap of faith, to reach out to him.... or to give into her fear and run. "I-- I'm sure you will," she ventured after a moment, hoping her tone sounded as though she actually was sure, that there might be assurances and whispers of promises rather than empty words. "You will." Severus looked at her. Was there something there, maybe? He wasn't certain, but he felt like there was. And that was enough for right now. Nothing else could really be said until he had something to offer her, even if it wasn't much. He would like to think that his heart would be enough for Astra, but he knew it would not be enough for Mr Avery, and possibly not for Aquila either. "I hope so," he said. "What was it you said the other day? The French saying? I'm not going to even attempt pronouncing it, but it was something about for the brave heart there's nothing impossible? It seems like when you're a Slytherin bravery is kind of a dirty word. But I suppose that's because Gryffindors are so associated with it, but it's more bravado from them, half of the time. Not really bravery I don't think." He realised he was rambling a bit and stopped, cheeks slightly flushed. "Regardless, I liked the saying. And if I have any real bravery, not showy Gryffindor bravery, then it shouldn't be impossible," he was looking at her rather seriously and he didn't drop his eyes as he continued. "I'm glad you're here, Astra." And I'm rather glad my Mum fell asleep. "It's almost like talking behind wards isn't it? Mum's asleep and no one else is here to worry about our conduct or misconstrue things." She laughed softly at that. "Yes, with the advantage of not being in an empty room. They definitely feel different, when there's someone else present. I think there are different kinds of bravery, though, and the more noble one may be the quietest. When you do something big and astounding, people notice and give you all sorts of accolades. But if your bravery is to work through a nearly insurmountable problem, something that takes time and dedication, most people don't see it at all. It's something only you know. I'm not sure most of the Gryffindors could bear that. They seem to need the attention more than the satisfaction." How long had she been here? She didn't necessarily want to go, but her father would be wanting dinner of course and even with the dubious chaperonage of his mother she wasn't sure he'd like her staying too late. Perhaps just a little longer, though... she found herself not wanting to leave this room. "I think you're very brave." Severus wondered what Astra would say about his previous evening's events, but then, he hadn't done it for the attention - and frankly, the attention he'd received was more than he'd desired. He gave her a half smile. "I would like to be - not in a showy way, but in the noble way like you're talking about." He couldn't help but keep looking at her because she really was beautiful, and she seemed willing to understand him - or at least willing to try and understand him and she might actually marry him. If she were in love with him - and that were the if. Severus' life would have seemed odd to a number of people. But one thing Severus had learned to do very early in his life was compartmentalise. To begin with there were the differences between what he did as a "muggle" when his Dad drug him off to the factory and what he did as a "wizard" which was practically every other time. Now it was simply life as a Death Eater, as a "pureblood" (in his dreams), as a non-Death Eater. Life with Astra, life with Agnes and life without Lily, which was far more painful than any other compartment. It might have seemed insane, but to Severus it really did seem normal, and the fact that he had, the night before ran off after a vigilante Gryffindor because he cared about her, didn't seem to have any bearing on his current goals, which was to continue getting his perfect life, and Astra was that life. She might have appeared solidly middle class to someone like the Lestranges, but to Severus, that was perfect. "But thank you, Astra," he hesitated wondering if he should ask her if she wanted more tea. She would need to go soon, he supposed and he wasn't really looking forward to it. He reached forward for her cup of tea, wishing that their fingers would touch. "Would you like another cup? Or do you need to go?" The question was unwelcome in the way it brought her thoughts into the open, making them impossible to ignore. She could have idled away several more minutes, holding an empty cup of tea, speaking about deep things that didn't matter, but with the words in the air there was no way to avoid them. "I should go," she said regretfully, the tone in her voice completely genuine. "I did enjoy seeing you though. Hopefully it won't be too long until the next time." Severus wished he left things as they were for a moment, but he hadn't, and she didn't sound as if she wanted to go. He nodded, somewhat soberly, and he stood, placing the cups to the side on the tray. "Thank you for coming by Astra," he said. "Mother enjoys these sessions, and frankly, I enjoy the freedom to speak with you without people..." he hesitated. "Without difficulty," he said finally. Because it wasn't so much that people misread his intentions - much to his annoyance - but rather that they absolutely had it pegged and then gave him grief about it. Perhaps this entire thing was a bad idea. But surely he was moving up in the tiers, surely, if Astra loved him... "Did you bring anything with you besides the book?" He asked, looking around to make certain she had not brought a hat or travel cloak. "You'll come back and visit again, won't you? I'm sure Mum would like to continue where you left off, and perhaps I can get off work early again." He hesitated for a moment noticing a hair on her sleeve, he reached out and brushed it gently. It was bordering on improper, probably, but it was as bold as he was willing to go right now. His fingers on her sleeve were enough for him to feel her arm underneath the sleeve, and wish maybe he'd someday be able to feel that arm with permission. Astra didn't move away at the feel of Severus' hand on her arm, rather standing quite still. Probably she ought to have, but... it was sort of nice, the light pressure and warmth, the connection with another person. Of course she touched people, she hugged her family and female friends, but this was very much different. Not that Severus was male, but that he was Severus, and somehow just this one tiny touch felt more intimate than any hug she'd given Georgina or Corbina. After a moment she realised she should say something, and drew in a breath. "Yes, of course. I'd-- like that. Very much. Sometime soon, I hope." She had only flooed here, so neither hat nor cloak had been necessary, so nothing was stopping her now from backing away. Still, she paused for a final moment before starting for the doorway. "Have a lovely evening." "I hope you have one as well, Astra," Severus said simply. He would need to go back to work now, if only for a few hours, but it had been worth it. Despite still needing to put in hours at the apothecary, he'd gotten to spend some time with Astra, and they'd actually talked... sort of. There were days that Severus wished Slytherins could just be blunt about things. And if he'd felt he could be, this was a time he would have been. But it was not to be at least, not now. Maybe someday they'd be able to speak without any concern as to impropriety. He hesitated a moment before adding, because there was no need to suggest he didn't want Mr Avery to know, "Give your father my regards, and again, Thank you," he glanced back at his mother and turned back to give Astra a warm smile. "I shall see you soon, then." |