Mary "just a little bit blonde!" MacDonald (onthecontrary) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-06-24 18:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-06] june, lily potter (née evans), mary macdonald |
rp: lily and mary.
Who: Lily Potter and Mary MacDonald
What: Tea and a heart-to-heart
Where: A little tea shoppe not too far from St. Mungo's
When: Tuesday afternoon
Rating: Not too high.. couple of swear words, but nothing too bad!
Status: Completed!
Mary was an idiot. Right. Didn't everybody think she knew that? Honestly! She didn't need forty thousand people calling her bloody menta- Soft blonde curls bounced as Mary shook her head vigorously. She needed to rid this thoughts from her pretty, little head. The logical side of her knew that her behaviour was quite absurd and uncalled for, but the emotional side of her always seemed to get the best of her. Her entire life she was told to think before she spoke, but it never really clicked. She always meant well.. and if she didn't stand up for herself, no one would- that was a lesson she learned from her family. But it wasn't working this time, and she really felt like a git. Mary shook her head again. She needed to stop obsessing over this. She didn't mean to push people away, but it was her main defense mechanism. It had been since she was attacked by Mulciber back at Hogwarts. And- "Dammit!" Mary whispered under her breath. She swore she wouldn't think about it, and here she was thinking about it AGAIN! A quick glance at the clock was enough to make Mary snap out of her daydreaming. Today was going to be quite a full day: afternoon tea with Lily, then the Tonks' cottage to see the puppies after work, and she had every intention of running thirty kilometres today. She needed to blow off some steam and distance running seemed to be the ticket for this former Hufflepuff. As her eyes found the clock once more, Mary squeaked softly. Merlin! She was going to be late. Mary glanced over the desk five times. She could never be too careful.. so careful that some of her co-workers wondered if she was a bit obsessive/compulsive, but they'd never talk to her about that. Once Mary was certain everything was organized, in it's place and accounted for, she checked just once more just to make absolutely sure. Finally, Mary tore herself from the receptionist's area at the Pediatric Ward in St. Mungo's. It didn't take her long to navigate the corridors, and once safely outside of the protective wards of the Wizarding hospital, she let herself take a breath. Mary wasn't necessarily a fake person, but she did try to minimize her trials and keep a smile on. She worked with children after all! But, if one saw Mary by herself and if she was unaware that someone might be looking at her, a different side of Mary could be seen. Upon seeing a head of familiar flaming red hair, Mary jumped a bit to herself. The breath she allowed herself to take was long gone. The distant, almost sad look on her face was masked within seconds. She was a girl with many secrets, and while she was open, she generally didn't tell people about her life.. unless she let her emotions get the best of her like over the journals. Her cheeks did flush a bit as she approached Lily. It was the only sign that maybe Mary let her guard down for a moment. "Lily!" she exclaimed. "Hi!" She was frustrated, of course. Mary's attitude to everyone at the journal had been distasteful and aggravating. The drama that it caused, to Mary's face and behind wards, was much more than Lily had ever imagined could come from the little blonde Hufflepuff. Lily had always been friendly with her back at Hogwarts, and she had been glad to see the girl who had once been a victim join the Order to gain a chance to be able to rise above and make rights, but things weren't going the way that she had expected to. Instead of being a positive and helpful member of the Order, Mary had begun to take on the role of the victim again. And again. Lily twisted the handle of her purse with her eyes closed for a minute, gathering her thoughts. She knew how angry everyone was, could tell that some of her friends who knew she was going to meet Mary thought that it would be an absolute waste of time. Lily didn't relish this task, but she had put herself up to it and if there was one thing that would never change for Lily Potter, it was that she cared about the 'little guy' who got squashed on by the others. No matter how much they did to ask for it. She turned, smiling brightly at Mary as she came over. "Mary, hello," she said. She reached out and hugged the other woman automatically. "How are you today? Feeling better, yeah?" Mary felt like she was being punched in the gut. She didn't mind pissing off Marlene or Meaghan or Sirius because they weren't all that nice to her in the first place, but she and Lily had always been on friendly terms. And so, making Lily mad made Mary feel horrible about what she did and how she went on and on. She gulped to herself before approaching the woman. The hug, though surprisingly comforting, made her feel even more guilty. Her thin arms wrapped easily around Lily, and she hung on for just a bit longer than she normally would. She couldn't remember the last time anyone hugged her. Her cheeks turned bright pink at the mention of feeling better though. "Yes," she said quietly, looking down for a moment. She could be horribly shy at times. Now was one of those times. "I had a brilliant run yesterday. Thirty kilometres and I didn't even get winded." She couldn't help but smile at that. "How are you?" She gulped again. "And James?" Merlin. He was probably on the list of people who hated her too. Fuck. What if she broke up their marriage? Oh dear! Mary couldn't help but take another step back. She didn't want to be the one to break up Lily and James Potter. They were the golden couple that gave people like Mary hope to find someone one day. Mary chewed at her lip for a moment. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Lily linked arms with Mary and began leading her to find a place for tea. She had been to St. Mungo's several times before she had finished Hogwarts. Not to be admitted, but to prepare for a career in Healing. Lily swallowed hard as they left the entrance to the building, but guided them to the place that she had gone to with James before she had decided to drop Healing training for good. For now. "I can't believe you run so much," she said, smiling. Her tone didn't suggest that she thought Mary was lying at all. "It's really not my thing. But I like that it can relax you so much." Lily's eyes scanned the area. She was always ready to be on the defensive. There was no luxury to just be jolly and walk around streets anymore. "I'm just fine, and so is James. I wish he wasn't working as many hours as he is, but I can't do a thing about it." She bit her lip for a moment. "We're very worried about his father. The Healers don't think he'll last too long." Her smile faltered. Ira Potter would be the last father she ever had. "But we're all right. We're going to be fine." She squeezed Mary's arm. "As long as the lot of us can all work together we're going to be fine." She inclined her head to the tea shoppe ahead of them. "Do you want to go there?" she asked. "They have the most tremendously good raspberry scone you've ever had." This was nice. Mary couldn't help but beam a bit as Lily caught her arm. She couldn't remember the last time she went out with a mate. "I know," Mary replied. She was surprised she ran so much. It was a recently developed talent, actually. She never really ran before this year actually. But she had changed a lot over the course of the past five and a half months. For one thing, she was far more scared than she ever had been before. But more alarming, she was sleeping and eating less and less, and working and running more and more. Mary wasn't too tall, only about 5'6" (1.69 m), and while she used to weigh 125 pounds (56.8 kg), she now bordered between 110-115 (50-52.3 kg). "I'm sorry to hear that," Mary replied softly. She couldn't help but squeeze Lily's arm a bit closer to her body. Mary was a genuine, sweet girl. She just got alarmed when approached and attacked by a lot of people. She couldn't explain why she did it, but whenever multiple people would gang up on her, she just snapped. If she didn't protect herself and stand up for herself, who would? Mary's problem was that when she got emotional, she had a tendency not to actually think about what she was saying before she said it. That's what happened over her journal last night. Mary grinned a bit. "You say that now because you haven't tried my raspberry scones!" she exclaimed happily. Mary had random talents. She was good at running and baking sweets (but she never ate them) and she was good at drawing and singing. None of her talents really went hand-in-hand, but they all made her quite happy. That's all that really mattered, right? "I'll owl you some tomorrow or the day after. I'm going to see the puppies at Ted's clinic tonight. I'm thinking about getting one!" She lived alone. It made sense for her to have a watch dog. Only problem was she was never home. Lily could sense Mary's hunger for attention and touch the way she responded to Lily's touch and hug. She made a mental note of it; sometimes people only needed a hug to know that they were valued. She walked into the tea shoppe with her friend and sat down at a table, only taking a glance at the menu. She always went with Earl Gray, and even if she'd have raspberry scones tomorrow, she wanted some today, too. "That'd be wonderful. James and I would appreciate them." She ordered when the waitress came nearby, and waited for Mary to do the same before she continued their conversation. She held her wand through her purse and cast Muffilato quietly. No chances. "You know, Mary," she said. "Maybe you could make something for the next Order meeting. I am sure everyone would appreciate it." She watched Mary to catch her full reaction. Mary was lonely. Pushing people away was her defense mechanism, and now she was without anyone. Luckily, her mentor was Fabian Prewett, who seemed to have the same 'push people away' defenses, and recognised it right away. Now, Mary only had Fab, but at least she had him. Upon entering the shoppe, Mary simply followed Lily's lead. She wasn't a natural born leader like her former Gryffindor mate. She very much liked to follow, and was afraid to speak up some times, like in the Order meetings, where she felt completely out of place. After a quick glance over the menu, Mary decided on a nice cup of English Breakfast tea. She hadn't sat down for tea like this in so long. "My pleasure. I adore baking," Mary replied grinning a bit wider. She really did adore baking.. especially for other people. She honestly liked to make people happy. She was a big fan of random acts of kindness. But there's only so much giving she could do without receiving. She was getting all used up. Mary handed over her menu to the waitress with a grin and then turned her attention back to Lily, but her smile faltered. Her entire face fell. How was she supposed to tell Lily that she never wanted to show her face at one of those meetings again? She was afraid she'd get stoned or something. "Right," she replied quietly before looking out the window. She could never show her face at another meeting. She knew they talked about her behind her back, and she couldn't be around people that hated her and made fun of her. She didn't deserve that. Lily reached over and put her hand over Mary's. She'd gone through these sort of things all the time with Severus. Trying to encourage him no matter how hard his heart was set against being encouraged, trying to help people out who refused to believe that they deserved it or that she really cared about them. It was tiring, and it was hard work, but Lily couldn't bear to see people picked on and making victims of themselves. She wanted Mary to be able to stand strong on her own two feet and know that she was worth so much more. "Listen, Mary," she said. "Please. I know you're angry and hurt and feel like everyone dislikes you right now, but you've got to know that isn't the case. People are frustrated. I'm not going to lie to you about that. People aren't happy about it but that doesn't mean that they are going to give up on you. You can show them the truth about yourself. Just because you've been misunderstood before doesn't mean that you have to make sure that you convince everyone of the truth right now. I know it's aggravating and you just want everyone to believe you now, but it's not going to be that easy." She bit the inside of her lip and raised her brows at Mary. "I know that you aren't weak and that you are an asset to the Order. Dumbledore believes that or you wouldn't have been allowed to be a part of it. I think you ought to decide that you're going to prove yourself. Not by your words, but by your actions." Mary's head turned from looking out the window to looking down at the table. She was willing herself not to cry. Yes everyone was really mad at her and having fun teasing her, but now she was really hurt by all of this. That being said, she didn't want to be weak or turn into everyone's charity case. She didn't deserve that either. She was good at what she did. And she knew that. She just was sick of everyone teasing her and picking on her even if she did deserve it. Mary's head shot up half way through Lily's speech. Her lips pursed a little bit. "I've been misunderstood my entire life," Mary corrected Lily sharply. It wasn't harsh and it was soft, but it was sharp. If she didn't stand up for herself, no one would. "And I know people aren't happy. Hell. I'm not happy about it." Blonde curls bounced from side to side as she shook her head. "But.. but I just get so mad.. and if I didn't say anything I'd just get teased and picked on for being mousy. It's lose, lose however you look at it." Sighing, Mary looked back out the window. "I want to show them." Her gaze hardened a little. "But being a good runner doesn't translate into being a good dueler." She began to chew on her lip. "Elle Abercrombie said she would teach me some of the spells and hexes she knows.. and I went running with Pepper yesterday. He says he'll help me too. And Fab's always offering.." Mary's nose twitched as the waitress came and served their tea. She offered the waitress a polite grin before continuing. "I just don't think I could ever show my face at another one of those meetings or training sessions. It's not that I don't want to help, I just don't want to see several- no- the majority of those people. And.." But she stopped herself. She really didn't need to drone on about this. This was another one of her defense mechanisms. She never really let herself talk about how she felt. "Well. Anyways." She was itching to change the topic, but she knew Lily would most likely catch on. She simply shrugged dismissively and pretended to busy herself with her tea leaves. "I know you've been mistreated, Mary," Lily said. She leaned forward. "I'm not saying that this is the only time that you've been hurt. There's no real comparing who has had things worse, but what I do know is that if you can't move on and forgive then you're just going to be bitter and alone." She winced, thinking of Severus. He had been mistreated by his father, by so many students at Hogwarts, and he let it turn him into something Lily didn't want to believe he could be. Maybe that's why she was so willing to work hard to help Mary, even if she felt that Mary had been inexcusable, she didn't want the same thing to happen to Mary. "I'm willing to help you, too. And we'll have the classes." She took a deep breath, and shook her head at Mary. "If you're going to quit, I guess that's your choice. I just didn't think you would. I thought that you'd see that no matter how frustrated or angry these people make you that we've all made the choice to stick together and work together. You're just running away and, well, Mary," Lily looked at her still untouched tea for a moment before gazing right into the other woman's eyes. "Then you're just proving them right." She knew her words would probably hurt, but if she just tip-toed around things she was sure Mary would be more hurt in the end. "I don't want to be bitter and alone, dammit!" Mary exclaimed getting defensive again. "But every time I get back on my feet, I seem to get pushed over again. And then, once I'm down, I keep getting kicked." Mary shook her head. Life wasn't fair. She just wished karma was real and she'd finally get what was coming to her. Mary usually wasn't petty, but she couldn't ignore the burning questions she had any longer. "Lily." Mary frowned deeply. "I appreciate the lectures. You. Ted. Andie. Fabian." She shook her head. "I just want to know.. why just me? Why not them too?" Her nose wrinkled in disgust before her head wheeled towards the window again. There was nothing significant to look at outside, but at least she didn't have to stare at her mate. "Am I supposed to apologise?" Are they supposed to apologise too? Mary couldn't ignore the little voice in her head even if she didn't like where the dark thoughts were leading her. Mary's head popped up again. Her jaw set and she shook her head. "I am NOT a quitter," she said more fiercely than anything she had said prior. "I am NOT quitting. I'm going to prove them wrong. I've said that before. And I'm not stupid. I'm not going to find myself a.." She lowered her voice a little. "..Death Eater, but I am going to prove them wrong." She nodded. "I just hate the feeling like I'm going to get stoned when I walk in the room.. or get tomatoes thrown at me." She shook her head. "And they say I'm the immature one. The part that kills me is they don't even know me, and yet they judge me anyways." Mary's lips pursed in determination. "I just.. hate that I care about what they think about me. We're all supposed to be on the same team here.. we're all supposed to be fighting for the same thing, and yet I feel like I'm being ostracized because they're now having fun doing it." Her eyes rolled a little. "And they call me the immature one." "You're on that path, Mary," Lily said gently. "And that's unfair of you to assume that I'd just ignore the others. Do you really think I'm like that? That I'm going to pick on you and not say anyone to those who antagonise you?" She stirred her tea while keeping her eyes on Mary. "You just haven't seen it." She shook her head, beginning to feel tired. A part of Lily just wanted to move on and tell Mary that she'd already said all that could be said and that Mary just needed to listen and actually do, but she didn't betray her tiredness on her face. You can't let her just let herself stay like this she told herself. "Yes, you should apologise to the people that you said harsh words to. Absolutely. You don't need to say a lot, you don't need to ask for them to forgive you. Just apologise, and if they try to make you argue you just don't rise to the bait. That's the best that you can do. And then you move on and don't worry about them apologising to you. If you wait on that you will never be happy." She finally picked her tea up and took a sip. "I'm glad you're not going to quit," she said. "Because, honestly, it's not going to get easier until it's got harder. Do you think you've been misunderstood? Then that means that you know you have strong character. So now you need to work extra hard, prove that you can rise above the challenges and frustrations." She set her tea back down. "It's always hardest to be the one to make the effort, but with the way you've spoken to everyone I think that you really have to take on that role." She touched Mary's hand. "But I believe you can do it." Mary's eyes widened just a bit. "No.. no Lily, not you!" She shook her head sending her blonde locks bouncing again. "You're one of the good ones! You always have been." It was true. Even back at Hogwarts, Lily always seemed to fair-minded and poised. Mary always envied her.. and she still did despite the fact that they were close in age. Mary chewed at her lip again. If she didn't stop this, she was going to get a bloody lip! She was nervous though. Chewing on her bottom lip gave her something to do. "Right. Well. I suppose it's not any of my business anyways, yeah?" It wasn't really a question though. "I don't want to.." she started softly before she cleared her throat alarmed. "I mean, I know I have to and I will, but I feel like it should be in my own time. I don't want it to seem fake or anything." She shrugged a bit. "I mean, do you think it'll really seem genuine if I apologise two days after I blew up even though I'm clearly not over it? I almost feel like I should talk to Frank or Moody first.. since I was upset about something else. I didn't mean to blow up at the others.. but I didn't want to tell them that I.. that the higher beings in the Order didn't think I was good enough." She shook her head. Five days down to one or no days? She already began to fill those spare hours of her evening with larger runs. It was her addiction. Mary paused at the next question. Was she misunderstood? She wasn't sure. "I just feel like people that are supposed to be supportive keep telling me that I can't do things." Mary abandoned trying to keep her composure. Instead, she began to toy with a lock of her hair nervously. "I mean.. I'm just so frustrated. I couldn't be a normal child because I had magic. And then I couldn't be a part of my family. And then I couldn't do this.. and that. I couldn't apply to be a Healer, so I had to settle for being a Receptionist. And now I feel like I'm being told I can't perform my defense skills well enough." She couldn't hide the tears that swelled up in her eyes. A couple spilled over and fell down her cheeks. "I mean. I don't think I can do it. You can only hear no so many times before you start to believe it." Oh man. Now a steady stream of tears began to fall down Mary's cheeks. "Maybe everyone else has been right and I'm the one kidding myself." She shrugged a shoulder. "I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but running is the only thing I seem to be good at that people actually agree I'm good at it. Maybe that's why I keep running more and more. Everyone knows I'm good at running, so I keep wanting to train harder and harder because.." Mary's brow furrowed. Why did she want to keep training? Because she was running away from her problems? "..Because it's something I actually have loads of support doing." Her brow furrowed more so. "Or something like that." Lily listened carefully to Mary, taking a sip of her tea and even a tiny bit of scone. She put the scone down, thinking carefully before she spoke. "It sounds a bit to me like you're letting everyone's opinions of you cloud your own judgment about yourself. Here's the thing, Mary. If you want to be strong, then you have that choice and you have to do it. You also can't let your past dictate your future. I wasn't a normal child, and," she took a deep breath. "I'm also not like a Healer, like I thought I'd be. If you're going to pity yourself how can you expect anyone to treat you like the adult that you are? You've got to be stronger, Mary. This is a war and if we let ourselves go to pieces then we'll never be able to do what we really want to." "You have the support of the Order to grow stronger and become an example in both defense and offense. James sometimes leaves his wand alone and it terrifies me and makes me rail at him like a banshee. He'd tell you so himself. Now you can stop leaving your wand behind, remember that you are a witch and you're a part of this world now--" she paused. "You have to understand that we're not really in a place to pick and choose. You have to choose, and no one can make that choice for you. I made my choice to stay in this world, and I've always thought that that was what you chose, too." "Words aren't going to be worth anything right now, save an apology. For the rest of it you're going to have to be patient and show everyone what you can do. I'll practice with you, and you know there are others who would. Are you ready to show, and not just tell?" Mary felt like an idiot. Here she was, elbows on the table, crying silently while having tea. Something about this picture simply wasn't right. She tried not to cry often, but she felt like this had been coming for a few days now. Mary nodded a bit. "It's hard not to," she said softly. Would it ever get to a point where she didn't have to fight with everyone or prove herself in order to make people believe her? Weren't mates and family supposed to be supportive no matter what? Mary sighed inaudibly. "My past is behind me. I don't want it to bother me anymore. I can't go back and change it, so.." She shrugged. So what? She wasn't sure where she was going with that. Mary frowned though. "And if we sabotage each other and try to bring each other down, we won't really do what we want to do either." Maybe they needed a team building workshop. Sometimes it felt like they weren't one big team. Rotations usually were in pairs, so sometimes Mary could go a week or two without seeing the other Order members. If she had the support of the Order, it didn't really feel like it. But then again, maybe Mary was still angry. James left his wand behind too. Someone told her that over the journals, but she was seeing red then. Nothing really stuck because she was so mad. "It's not like I left my flat and thought about leaving my wand behind!" Mary exclaimed immediately on the defensive once again. "It's not like I conscious decided to leave it at my flat. Money? Yes, I make a point not to bring that, but I can't believe people would think so little of me as to assume that I left my bloody wand on purpose!" She shook her head in anger and looked out the window. She needed to calm down. Finally, after a few minutes of not looking at Lily and making an effort to calm herself down again, Mary turned her head away from the window. "I want to prove myself.. just like you're saying," she started. Her tone was much softer this time. "But I need the opportunity to prove myself. And that has been taken away from me." She began to chew at her lip again. "And thanks for the offer. Pepper and Elle said that same thing." But then again, neither Pepper nor Elle were in the Order. She grinned a bit though. "Pepper and I actually went running last night. I totally got him all winded." She grinned victoriously. "He couldn't keep up!" "So you need to stop being upset about how you've never been understood, and try to build yourself to a place where you can be understood." She had the feeling that Mary wasn't really listening, she was only picking up on what she wanted to hear. "I know that. I'm just saying that from now on you won't leave your wand behind. So, there you go. Now you can move past that." Lily could never understand how people just wanted to keep themselves in the past. Life was hard. There were things Lily wanted to hang onto but she couldn't. Like her parents... She missed them dreadfully but she couldn't keep dwelling on it. Not every day. She could keep herself from thinking about them if she kept herself busy. She was quiet for a moment before she looked at Mary. "Listen, Mary," she said. "We have all been warned to stay away from Pepper. You really ought to be careful. There are Order members who would train you. I will help train you if you like." She didn't want to beat any dead horses, and so she just shrugged. "You need to understand that proving yourself isn't going to come from just one situation. You have to be willing to start out small and build up to big things. With your outbursts of late it seems you aren't as stable as before. If you really care about what the Order is doing you'll be willing to work your way up to being trusted." Life was hard, and it seemed to only be getting harder. It was a cruel world to a sweet little Hufflepuff like Mary. And honestly? She didn't really like the world nowadays, that's why she wanted to fight. She wanted to make the world a more fostering place for all the future Hufflepuffs like her. No one really deserved to experience everything she had gone through. It was like her way to give back or something like that. Mary nodded. Even if she didn't respond to everything, she at least heard it. Sometimes she just got so fixed on one part of a conversation that the other parts were cast aside. She would get excited about one thing and forget others. That was just Mary though. She liked to jump from topic to topic to mix things up and keep her mind occupied. Mary nodded again. "Okay.. right," she replied in all seriousness. "Move past it." She was over the fact that she forgot her wand. It was everyone else who kept bringing up the wand incident. Mary thought it was brilliant that so many people wanted to help train her to get her back on her toes. Whether she wanted to admit to it or not, the last attack she was caught in the middle of that erased her memory really shook her up a lot more than she let on. That's when she started running and baking and working more and not sleeping. She hadn't talked about the attack to anyone either, so that wasn't helping. "He seems like a decent bloke though," she argued with a frown. "He seems to genuinely care about me. And besides that, if I train with you once a week and Pepper once a week and Elle once a week, that's already three days every week that I'm getting help to get better. If it were up to me, I'd like seven people help me privately so I can.. catch up or get back to where I was or get better. And then it's not as much of a strain on anyone. Plus I really like to learn. I want to do better. I want to.. show everyone what I am capable of." "It just seems like one thing happened and then all of the sudden everything was taken away. Or enough new recruits joined that I'm.. not as needed now as I was before." Mary shrugged. She wasn't really in-tune with exactly how she felt other than angry and betrayed. And it still seemed like enough other people joined that they simply didn't need her anymore. Logically, she knew that wasn't true. She hadn't had enough time yet to move past that yet. "I just wish I knew how. You know? I've never missed a rotation. I always volunteer for more shifts. I've never missed or been late to a meeting. I don't think bringing raspberry scones to the next meeting is really proving myself trustworthy. And I really don't feel like avoiding and not talking to the other members is helping either." She wrinkled her nose a bit. She wasn't really sure where to go from here. "No," Lily said flatly. She looked at Mary, shaking her head. "Mary, we've been warned several times to not trust Pepper. Do you think that everyone else in the Order is lying to you? When we join the Order we have to be willing to make sacrifices, and that includes being around people that we might enjoy being around." Like herself and Severus. While she might talk to him a bit, it was only with James' knowledge and with a great deal of caution. "You can't," she said. Lily was kind, she did care about people, and she didn't want Mary to end up in trouble. So, even though it might come off as rude, she wasn't going to pussyfoot around. "It's a foolish idea." She took another sip of her tea. "This is a serious job," she said. "Sometimes you get everything taken away faster than you gain it. It's a war. We can't risk anything." She closed her eyes for a minute, imagining what would happen if some mistake, some foolish risk, took James away from her. Her hands tightened on her teacup and she drew in a deep breath. "If you want to be considered trustworthy you're going to have to be excellent at every chance you're given. That's the only way." Mary frowned though. "It's not as if Pepper and I are best mates now. He offered to teach me some of the skills he knows. If you were in my shoes, wouldn't you want as much help as you could get?" Mary's frown deepened. Plus it could help the Order learn what all Pepper knows. Right? She wasn't sure. Her little Hufflepuff brain wasn't made for things like this. But when Lily flat out said it was foolish, she felt her face fall. "Oh." Mary blinked, unable to think of anything else to say. She already told Pepper she'd let him help her. And he was actually nice to her. He even complimented her on her ability to run. She never got compliments anymore. "But what am I supposed to tell him now?" Her nose wrinkled in thought again. "We've already gone running once. It would look suspicious if I just started ignoring him." Usually Mary wasn't this stubborn about this. Why did she have to get everything taken away and no one else? Damnit! Mary's eyes widened at her thoughts. Damnit.. like that horrid journal entry. For a moment, Mary could have sworn she saw Lily pause unusually. It made her freeze for a half a heartbeat, but then she took a sip of her tea instead. She was making it up. This was Lily. Lily was perfect. Mary frowned though. Her mate's words made sense. The timing was just the red flag to Mary. And it wasn't as if she was taken off rotations to do anything else. It was like she was being dismissed, and she really didn't like that. Mary rubbed her temple. "No pressure or anything," she muttered to herself. Too bad the Order didn't want to test her marathon abilities. She could train up to that without disappointment. Did everyone else have to prove themselves like this? It seemed like everyone just weclomed Meaghan in with open arms. Mary shuttered slightly. She really didn't like that bird. She rubbed Mary the wrong way. Mary gulped. She wasn't as good with pressure like some of the other Gryffindors. What if she messed up? Mary hated messing up. It's why she was a bit OCD. She nodded though. Be perfect. Right. "Okay," she replied without much confidence. Be perfect. The pressure was already beginning to weigh down on her. "You have to stay away from him. Make up excuses. I don't care what." She was upset at Mary for continuing to press the point. Did she think that everyone in the Order was dishonest? Even if she didn't like them she had to be able to see that there was a reason for their words and caution. "Promise me that you will." She could tell Mary was annoyed at the pressure that she obviously felt Lily was putting on her, but Lily wasn't going to budge. There was a thin line between babying and encouraging, demanding and being strong. She felt in her heart that she was doing the right thing, and no one was going to stop her as long as she was convinced of that. "You can do it," she said. She hoped Mary would. "He'll probably forget anyways," Mary replied brushing it off. People tended to do that to her- forget or dismiss her. She was used to it. "But yeah. I work all the time anyways." She shrugged a shoulder. She didn't have people like Lily had people. No one was waiting at home to have dinner with her or make her laugh. She really didn't have a lot more to lose because she already lost or alienated everyone she had. She was a loner, and she hated it, but she couldn't stop it and she didn't know why. "I promise." She didn't really think Lily would believe her anyways. She wasn't trustworthy, remember? Mary's eyes fell to her lap. It wasn't like she had a jaunt with a Death Eater and told him everything she knew about the Order, damnit! She didn't deserve to be completely oust like this. And when she tried to take matters into her own hands.. like taking up everyone's offer to help her, she seemed to do the wrong thing again. Damnit! She couldn't get anything right anymore. "Is Elle okay?" Mary inquired nearly inaudible. Mary half chuckled. "I don't really have a choice," she replied grimly. "I have to do it or else I'm just a member of an organising doing absolutely nothing for it." She grimaced. "And I don't want to be dead weight." At least someone believed in her. That helped, right? Mary sighed heavily. Step one was to apologise. She wasn't even sure if she could do that yet. But then again, she really didn't have time not to. "I hope," Mary replied even softer. Even if Lily believed in her, Mary wasn't so sure she believed in herself anymore. Lily shook her head when Mary said that he'd forget about it. He wouldn't, likely, but there just was no point in discussing it further. It only would serve to upset her. "Good. Thank you." Elle was fine. As far as Lily knew, nobody was worried that Elle was trying to find out information about the Order that could hurt them. "Oh, I'm sure she is." She squeezed Mary's hand again. Hopefully Elle would prove to be harmless. She didn't want Mary to feel alone. That wasn't easy. Time was running out, she assumed, for Mary's break. She drank the last of her tea quickly and wrapped the scone in a napkin to take home with her. Perhaps her father-in-law might enjoy it, or her mother-in-law. She'd only taken a pinch out of it and she hated to waste. "You'll do fine if you stay patient," she said. "And don't blow up at anyone in the Order again, alright Mary?" She stood and offered the woman a hug. "Be the calm one, and everything will turn out right." Mary looked at her half empty cup of tea. She wasn't really thirsty anymore. She was tired of talking about all of this. And yes, Lily did help, but Mary could only take so much at a time. At least someone reached out to her. She needed that. Mary stood to hug Lily back before leaving more the enough in coins on the table. The least she could do was treat her mate to tea. Once outside Mary turned to face Lily again. "I really hope you're right," she replied as she squinted against the bright sun. "I'm not doubting you, but not everyone thinks like you either." She shrugged a bit before glancing at her watch. "I should go." She offered a half smile. "I won't drag you back there. If you're anything like me, seeing people do what you've always wanted to do isn't the easiest thing. Give my regards to James, yeah?" "Thank you for the tea," Lily said, offering Mary a real hug. "Just keep believing, alright? That's our best defense against growing hard in this war. We've just got to keep believing. Keep in touch. And I will give James your regards." Their goodbyes said, Lily waved and found a secure place to Apparate home. She needed a hug from James, and a nice shoulder rub. |