sirius black -- eventually, even stars burn out (seirios) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-05-30 23:56:00 |
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Regulus could not help but be filled with a strange mix of curiosity and nervousness as he made his way to Mabel's Curios where his cousin had owled him to meet. Bella. What Bella intended, he hadn't a clue, and that was a reasonable cause for concern. She had told him he would require his wand, and anything that specifically required his wand (as, really, he would not leave home without it, whether or not he was reminded) and was set in Muggle London painted a picture that something might be happening. She had mentioned taking action -- was this the action-taking? The action in which she doesn't wait for permission? That element of curiosity was what sped his pace, despite the nervousness. He felt that being uncertain was more stressful than knowing and beginning to sync his mind into the frame it ought to be in, despite his mind's war over 'ignorance is bliss' versus the merits of 'the sooner the better.' When he arrived within a polite window of time (just before two o'clock, the time set to meet), Regulus waited outside, attempting to refrain from looking too conspicuous. He owned nothing but robes, and he wasn't going to buy Muggle clothing just to meet briefly with his older cousin, so rather than reacting to the occasional puzzled look (when people actually noticed he was there, that is), he opted to dawn the family's classically haughty expression and wait. After all, the idea was not to look approachable, and he needed wait only a few minutes, as he sincerely doubted Bella would be late, especially to a meeting she arranged. It wouldn't be exactly right to say Sirius was having second thoughts about this, but he was having thoughts of an alternate nature. It had began with the desire to break something; preferably somethng around his brother's facial area. That had faded to wanting to scare the crap out of him, but that wouldn't work if Bellatrix was lurking. Death like that wouldn't be pleasant nor particularly exciting. It had faded to a want to show him what he wanted from him, perhaps to frighten him a little because Merlin knows, if it worked for his parents, maybe it'd work for him too. He didn't like it when he lied to him, in fact, he always called him on it. So he needed to sit down and listen to him for once in his miserable life. He saw him instantly; he stuck out like a sore thumb, if he was honest, you couldn't exactly miss him! He was rather glad he owned a double wardrobe; it was about half and half, rather like everything at the flat, Remus included. He chuckled at his own little joke and decided to try something. He wondered if he could just go up beside him, if he'd really notice with the muggles around. Nice choice, he noted. when he'd asked for minimal public. Plans changed with location, anyway. Sirius could have fun with this. In fact, he intended to. As he was due to walking past him, he grabbed his arm and made an attempt to pull him into the cafe without a word (and more importantly, without him bursting into laughter - he was trying to be serious). When a hand suddenly clamped onto Regulus's arm and began tugging him, a brief alarm shot through him -- his peripheral vision, even in that fleeting moment, could recognize it wasn't Bella grabbing him. His wand was within reach, and his free hand twitched by it, but the floods of Muggles always, always got on the way. He was nearing the point of clocking whoever it was across the face, but before he managed to swing back and attempt, he caught sight of the person's face. Sirius. Regulus partially wished he had gone ahead and attempted the whack, considering Sirius would likely have deserved it, and now he felt rather a bit stunned. Where was Bella? Had Sirius intercepted the owl? What was going on? "Let go of me." An element of alarm remained in Regulus's voice, even as they entered the small cafe, though only a portion of it could be attributed to being startled moments before. Why was Sirius there? Sirius was not going to let go of him at this point. He could very well walk out the door and the whole thing would be ruined. He'd gone to a lot of trouble for this and he wasn't giving up just because his brother looked as if his eyes were about to start rolling around on the floor. "Not a chance." He smiled at girl behind the counter, something to reassure the young woman that everything was just fine and they were going to take a seat, which involved him moving enough to try and put him down in one of the seats nearer the back for a bit of privacy. He knew by now Marlene would have seen them go inside so he felt he had time. "I'll let go if you shut up and sit down." He told him slightly harshly, despite the fact he was still smiling. "Silencing myself and sitting down is not exactly what I have in mind when I think of being 'let go.'" Regulus's lips pressed together tightly, but he ultimately obeyed, sitting silently in the seat -- focusing on a particularly filthy spot on the wall, partially because it was filthy, but partially because he did not wish to look at his brother. Or even in the same general direction as his brother. Where was Bella? "I did not come to see you, so I think it is best that you leave," Regulus said quietly after a moment. Sirius shook his head but let go of him. There was no point in aggravating to point of a full on fright, not at this point, anyway. It would just result in the Ministry, Bella and/or Marlene getting involved and that would be far more problematic than it looked. "Well, you're not going anywhere until we have a little chat about how little brothers shouldn't tell whopping great fibs to their older brothers." He gave him a slight smirk, knowing full well that he wasn't the person he had been expecting but that didn't mean he couldn't play with him a little. "Expecting company? I'm sorry, I don't think they're going to make it." His voice was dripping with sarcasm, as he was rather pleased things seemed to be going well. As well as could be expected. "Are you going to need a glass of water," he said in a rather patronising tone, "Or will you be alright until we're done?" "It's really none of your business if I am expecting anyone, actually, and I do not know what you meant." Regulus's posture was stiff and straight, perhaps more so than usually, and he could not help the jarring thought that Sirius had managed to do something to Bella -- but that just didn't make sense. If anyone was doing anything hazardous to anyone else, he would think Sirius would be Bella's victim, rather than the other way around...but perhaps he didn't know at all, and Bella was simply held up by some extenuating circumstances that she could not currently convey to him. But what were the chances of them just...running into each other? London was a large place. And even though Sirius couldn't possibly be referring to Regulus being a Death Eater -- after all, nothing had seemed to change the older boy's mind about it, yet, and there were no major suggestions as of late -- he still felt a nervous twinge about 'whopping great fibs.' Not that that was any of Sirius's business, either. He forfeited that right when he abandoned, did he not? "I'm fine, thank you," Regulus said in clipped tones, erasing everything but a closed off coldness now that they were face to face. He needed to control himself. Sirius was no longer in the family. He did not deserve the pseudo-politeness given to strangers...at least not in any place remotely public, as this was. Or anywhere, really, of course, but especially not in public, and especially not after a threat... "Well, if you didn't come to see me, then who did you come to see?" There, his brain might actually be able to handle a little thing called logic. Then again, this was his brother he was talking about. If it could be avoided, Regulus Black avoided it. It was a slight habit of his when it suited him as well but only when it suited him. Besides, he wasn't about to make this seem anything other than a coincidence just yet. As much as he would like to land Bella in hot water, she did keep her word here and he wasn't going to be the one breaking his. Ah, there it went. You could almost time the reaction, as he went into a very stiff and proper person of standing to an insane degree. He decided to keep the slightly patronising tone; it was creul but it made his point. "Little boys should not be running around run down parts of London - even if the person they're with isn't exactly all there." Narrowing his eyes, Regulus stuck out his chin and responded, "I am not 'little.'" He saw no reason to acknowledge the first question, as he would only be informing his brother that it was none of his business who he was meeting, and it was always worth trying to distract him. Frankly, he did not want to be caught by Bella, talking to Sirius like this, but he did not want to be absent when she did show, either. So unfair. "I asked you, baby brother, not to leave the house and put yourself in this kind of situation!" Sirius gestured largely with his hands. "And what do you do? Disregard my feelings entirely, despite how politely I asked you not to!" This was merely the tip of the iceberg so there was no point beating around the bush. He was going to get started laying into the little idiot now or he was going to end really hitting him. "I am not going to stand by while you put yourself in harm's way - did you really think I would? You're so fucking easy, it's almost funny if it wasn't scary. What if I had been someone else, someone who does not have your best interests at heart?" He hadn't meant that to sound so sarcastic but this is what happens when you bottle it up. "Are you stupid or did you actually think it was a good idea to be wandering around on your own?" "I am not stupid, nor am a child," Regulus huffed somewhat edgily. The suggestion that he was anything but capable was an irritating one, even if there were times he did not necessarily feel safe leaving the house...but it was because Bella called for him. As if he could just tell Bella no, he didn't feel like it because he was afraid. Even though he wasn't afraid, because really, who was going to go after him? Other than Potter. Potter was a concern, but Regulus liked to think those idiot Gryffindors had at least a hint of that nobility they boasted -- at least when it suited him. "No one but you and your stupid friends is after me, so you really oughtn't talk to me about 'situations.'" Despite any desire to remain emotionally neutral, he could not help but snap a bit with his voice in response to the obvious sarcasm. He could take care of himself. "After you? No. Will take advantage of your idiotic naive ways? Fuck yes." Sirius rolled his eyes; if he was going to be difficult, he was going to be difficult right back. "Oh and your friends are so fucking innocent, isn't that right, Reggie?" A hard tone had creeped into his tone and his voice had lowered to something akin to a hiss. "Your so called friends are dangerous and much more likely to get you in trouble or hurt or worse than you popping in to wind up my best friend." He just didn't understand it; his brother expressed many a desire never to speak or be near him or his friends and then actively sought them out to wind them up something was wrong. "When it comes to your so-called family, Regulus, you are far too trusting. Bella isn't coming." Regulus was reeling to object to the suggestions about his friends, but the moment Bella's name was mentioned, those thoughts were momentarily swept aside. As his posture became a little more stiff, Regulus began with a quiet, somewhat edged, "Oh?" He briefly considered denying that it was Bella he was meeting, but the coincidence of meeting Sirius here was too unlikely after a comment like that, and...although he really just wanted to lie, he could not help but be curious...if there really was a reason...because Bella wouldn't work with the blood traitor...something was up. "What makes you think that?" "I asked her not to. Politely." Sirius couldn't keep a very bitter sounding sarcasm from his voice with that comment, but he could see his brother was not about to react well. He decided to make sure he didn't bolt, by being ready if he wanted to. "You see, it's been two years - or will be shortly - since we've actually spoken in person and I obviously missed your delightful conversation." He sighed and pushed his hair back almost nervously. "Do you always ask how high when she asks you to jump?" "Right, and she just did what you told her to do." There was a distinct element of skepticism colouring Regulus's voice, as really, when did Bella take much heed of what someone asked her politely to do? Especially from the blood traitor...the idea simply did not settle well in his mind, and he could not help but wonder if Sirius might be lying to him. The reminder that they were, in fact, speaking to each other during this conversation did nothing positive for the younger boy's mood, and he tightened his jaw. A soft "hrmph" was the extent of the follow-up response -- couple with a knitted sort of expression. Whether this was a set up or a mad coincidence, he could not be certain, but this did not seem to be a situation he ought to stay in... "Perhaps you ought to ask yourself what she has to gain by it," Sirius said evenly, even though it was technically true. She was simply gaining from him and not his brother. "I admit, I did promise not to have you assassinated but I think she was mixing up her owls at that point and was probably talking about something else entirely." It never hurt to put a new idea out there, even if it wasn't quite the true one. "Besides, this was long overdue." Sirius knew he had to get his attention back to the conversation at hand. "In the last few months alone, you've made a public spectacle out of yourself more times than I can count, lost a lung for some reason I will eventually figure out, been arrested, associated with murderers and Death Eaters and even when you were stoned out of your tiny little mind, you were a sulky little brat. You've humiliated yourself, your so called lineage and standing and continually manage to mess things up simply by being there." It might be a little harsh but it was the truth. "Reg...either your intelligence has hit rock bottom or are you seeing a pattern here too?" A nerve was struck -- hearing verbal mention of his failures was like a sharp, stinging slap to the face, especially from Sirius. Master of the failure and of letting people down. That wasn't who Regulus was, and he was trying to pretend the majority of the past few months did not exist, and Sirius was not helping with that at all. "I don't have to stay and listen to this. Good day," he said sharply, standing up to move away, especially if Bella wasn't even coming. Sirius had anticipated that. He stood up as well, taking his arm and probably squeezing it a lot tighter than was actually necessary to keep him in place. "Sit down." He told him as calmly as he could, considering he was not under any circumstances allowing him to walk out before he'd said his piece. "Sit down or I will make you sit down. Do you understand?" The last words came out with enough venom that even he was slightly surprised by it. Wincing very slightly as his arm was grabbed -- a bit more gentleness would have been nice -- Regulus shot something of a scathing look back to his brother. "I don't have time to sit around and listen to you insult me and my friends, nor for you to drag up uncomfortable instances that you really don't know anything about at all. I said good day." When he tried to tug his arm free once again, he found the grip to still be far too tight to just pull away from, so he crinkled his nose in irritation. "Well, guess what, it turns out you are going to sit, you are for once in your miserable little life going to listen to me because I'm older and in comparison to you, I know what I'm talking about." Sirius felt him trying to tug away and was happy he couldn't apparate without alerting the authorities. Thank Merlin for muggles, that's what he felt. He could give him dirty looks, he could try and pull himself off, hell, he could whine to mummy and daddy later but right now, he was going to listen. "Don't turn this into a fight. For a start, we can't use magic if you haven't noticed and frankly, in a physical fight, do you really want another failure to chalk up?" Knowing there was absolutely no way he could possibly win a physical fight with his brother, Regulus, for a moment, glared evenly and icily at Sirius. After determining that there really wasn't much of an option involving successful escape, he sat down somewhat moodily and went back to staring at the filthy spot on the wall, pointedly not looking at Sirius if it could at all be helped. "See, you can behave when you want to." He lightened his grip on him before letting go completely. Sirius was pretty sure he wasn't about to make a run for it in these particular circumstances. "Now. We were talking." Moody, or not, this had to be said and his brother was just going to have to attempt to be an adult about it and not run away from it. Even if the thought that it was him thinking that was enough to make him fall over laughing. "These crushing failures, these lies, leaving school: they all lead me to notice that something is very wrong." He attempted to sound calm and logical but it wasn't working particularly well. "Then Gran-" he stopped himself, forcing a correction - "Then with Arcturus Black serving gaol time, half the family getting arrested and you being completely and utterly petty when I honestly thought better of you." He sighed and shook his head slightly, "What the fuck is going on? Cause I would really, really like a reason for all of this." Regulus's gaze remained fixed on the wall, and he quite seriously considered pretending like he hadn't heard anything at all. Perhaps if he did not acknowledge what Sirius was saying to him, than the older boy would become bored or frustrated and just leave. It seemed extremely unlikely, but at the same time, this simply was not a conversation he wanted to be having. "Nothing is going on, Sirius," he said, trying to sound bored despite any anxiety. "Weren't you ever taught not to lie?" Sirius pushed, wanting to see if he could break that little control freak into actually just admitting he wasn't happy. It was the only logical explanation for the way he'd been acting - the last year he'd spent at home was pretty hellish and full of indignant failures too. Now if he would just stop being stubborn and admit it - heck, even admit everything wasn't exactly on the up and up. "Oh wait. Slytherin. What I should be saying is, don't lie to me because it won't get us anywhere. I assume you'd like to leave at some point and the quicker you admit it, the quicker you can go." The words hit him with a touch of surprise -- to leave? Did he mean...leave? Sirius thought he wanted to leave? How could he leave? Why would he leave? He was not an abandoner. His mother...how could he possibly do that to them? Even with the horrifying nature of the past few months, how could he ever turn his back on his family? And the alternative 'what was going on' was hardly any better, considering the truth of what was going on was that he was a Death Eater, and that was the reason behind it all. But considering he did not wish to expose that bit of himself, he would continue another bout of denial. Neither the truth nor the lie was wise to admit to. "I said nothing is going on, Sirius." Sirius cocked his head at him in complete disbelief. The lies just kept on coming. What was it, repeating itself like a mantra? He was going to lose his temper if he didn't cut it out and that would be bad news for everyone involved. Had he honestly been so surprised that he'd noticed that he was obviously miserable with his life and quite obviously acting out because of it, even on a subconscious level, perhaps? "So this is all coincidence." The words may have said that but the tone was one of complete and utter disbelief. "I'm not an idiot, Regulus. I'm sick of trying to explain your actions when you won't take the time to even admit you're making mistakes." Maybe it was the wording that was giving him the trouble - his brother had never liked to admit he was wrong. Actually, no one in the family ever had, as far as he knew. "Maybe you don't see it as mistakes. Maybe you're just...experimenting. Maybe it's just that you're trying too hard to be someone you're not. But for Merlin's sake, Regulus, this is not the time to pretend like everything is just fine. It's obviously not." "But it is the fault of coincidence, along with your friends who are nearly guaranteed to pounce and taunt me if I write so much as a single public sentence. It is not a fair standard to be held to," Regulus said, furrowing his eyebrows and scanning the dusty floorboards -- for a lack of anything better to look at. He could only imagine the aneurysm his mother or Barty would be having were they along with him...though he supposed the dirt and dust might not be their biggest concern. The fact that Sirius seemed to be under the impression he was wanting to leave home -- Regulus could not decide if it boded ill or well for him. "Riley...her heart is in the right place, but she's more sexually repressed than you and that takes some bloody doing." Sirius nodded his head sagely, as if this was an amazing piece of wisdom. "My friends pick on you in the same way they joke with me - the difference is, I know it's a joke. If you'd realise they're just making jokes...you think I'd take offense to it? No. It's just you with your obsessive propriety - you may as well go marry Astra Avery and have really, really proper children." This was endlessly frustrating; no matter what he said, he was going to get that bloody parrot back at him. He briefly wondered if a good hit around the head would help but it would likely not help this particular talk. He filed that away for later use. "What I'm saying is - this year is and has been rough. There's obviously a reason because if it was smaller than that, you'd have told me just to shut me up. If you're not going to tell me, I'll have to try and find out on my own and that won't go down well, as you well know. Now you can admit it or we can do things the hard way. Your choice." "Or maybe the reason is that there isn't anything going on," Regulus said, pursing his lips tightly. He didn't want Sirius investigating him, but what explanation could he give other than lying and agreeing with Sirius...which could be extremely bad if it got back to any of his friends or, Merlin forbid, his mother... "You're a broken record and I despise liars. What are you afraid of?" Sirius quickly scanned around the room, checking to see if either Bella or her minions were lurking around or if their little scuffle had brought in Marlene from outside. After all, she was there as back up. He had to note to make a dorky smile when he noticed a new person near the door, seemingly peeking from behind a newspaper. Ah, Marlene McKinnon: Espionage Agent Extraordinaire. "There's no one here that's going take the piss or get angry with you if you're just honest." That was about as good as his niceties got when it came to trying to convince him to stop being a big, fat liar. "Is it so hard to say 'Yes, things are going on' or 'Yes, things are getting harder' for you?" He had to remember that it probably was and that his brother was a bigger control freak than him. It was like trying to coax a toddler to walk for the first time: you had to show them they had nothing to lose by trying. "You lose nothing by admitting it." "I'm not lying, Sirius. If you would really like an answer, then yes, certainly, it becomes more difficult once a group of people decide you are a terrorist and begin taking every opportunity to contribute to any unpleasantness in your life." Looking then down at the table, Regulus tapped the support of the table with his foot and pressed his lips together. It wasn't even a lie, not really...it was more difficult once people decided that you were a terrorist. It was simply for the best if Sirius accidentally misinterpreted the words. Sirius softened slightly and sighed. Same old, same old. He couldn't convince people he wasn't but he knew he couldn't be. It was a rotten situation and to go through this transition with people harping on at you can't have been easy for him. Before he really knew what he was doing, the words simply came tumbling out, "James thinks it was you that nearly killed him at the commune." Never mind the fact that they had denied being there for the most part and he'd just given away something he shouldn't have, it wasn't exactly appropriate conversation. Then again, Sirius was rarely appropriate. "People are paranoid. Scared. Can you blame them for latching on to a stupid idea?" The commune. Regulus was careful to allow no sign to reach his face, only the slightest twitch of his hand reacting to the memory; the woman's face came to his mind (perhaps more serene and wide-eyed than was entirely accurate), but he stared only more intently at the table. Potter and some insignificant hippie were of no concern to him...everything served a purpose. It was nothing to be worked up about. It could even classify as a mercy kill, could it not? What sort of life was that filthy place, anyway? Not that he cared to be merciful to them, of course -- they were no higher than the dirt on his shoes, but if he did care about their quality of life -- then there really wasn't fault in the first place. And Potter deserved any lost sleep and lingering ache he got... "It's difficult to nearly kill someone when you are not actually there," Regulus responded with an appropriate amount of annoyance. "Perhaps it would be easier to not blame them if said stupid idea wasn't something that could end with me unjustly sitting in Azkaban for the rest of my life." A shiver ran up his spine at the thought, something he did not bother to try and resist or conceal. He could not go to Azkaban. He simply couldn't... "I know." Sirius could understand why this was horrible for him, he could, but this wasn't something he could easily dissuade people of. He had just wanted to give his brother a reason for how and why people were using him as an easy target. He wasn't always happy about that but he didn't want to make his life harder for him. Things were harder than ever near the end, as he could well remember. He did something slightly uncharacteristic for their pseudo-relationship. He put his hand on his in a comforting gesture, rather than a possessive one. "You're not going to gaol. You're not. They'd have to get through me first, whether you think of me as dead or not." He meant it, as well. He was not throwing a damn child to dementors. If the Ministry thought they could, they really would have to deal with him first. But he wasn't very comfortable with comforting people and withdrew his hand for a silent moment. He thought he might need it. Flinching subtly at the hand on his shoulder, Regulus pursed his lips firmly together, neither accepting nor rejecting the gesture. It was strange and certainly uncommon amongst their family; Cissa was the closest he came to physical familial affection, and even that was not particularly common -- they simply were not the warm hugs and kisses sort of Pureblood clan. As Sirius spoke, he allowed his mind to momentarily relax, and although Sirius was talking to the brother that he seemed to truly believe as having no part in the Death Eater activity, it was somewhat nice to pretend for the moment that he truly had no reason to fear being sent to Azkaban. That for this case, Sirius claiming it made it true. This rarely carried over to other things Sirius said, but Regulus enjoyed picking and choosing his reality. His face remained neutral -- after all, even in a slightly vulnerable state as far as potential-to-trust went, he did not wish to give Sirius any funny ideas. Sirius was still a blood traitor, and he would have to be particularly careful now that he did not have the safety of the journals between them. Regulus remained silent, eyes trained on the tabletop. The silence seemed a little telling. The fact he wouldn't move away, nor move his eyes and despite the seeming-like attempt to move away from his hand, he had to admit, he felt slightly nostalgic. He could remember doing that his entire first year, before just accepting that James was an affectionate person and he'd have to deal with that. It made his own theories ring even more true than before, because it all felt so familiar. This complete stiffness, this statuesque act of his, it all made perfect sense that he was just trying to cope and it shouldn't be pushed as hard as he really wanted to. Still, he had to say something. "Regulus?" The younger boy shifted slightly. "Yes?" He thought about mumbling his reply, or not answering at all, but politeness, detached or not, seemed appropriate if they were indeed alone. And alone, they appeared to be. There was enough coldness to keep Sirius at bay, but not so much to get himself into a particularly unpleasant mood. "You're not dying, are you?" It sounded ridiculous now he'd said it out loud, but it was mostly a joke. He'd gone more still than he'd imagined possible, more icy-still than Cissa on her wedding night and that was worrying in itself. He just didn't know what to make of him when he shut himself down like that. It was a talent he'd gotten from their father, something Sirius had never quite managed unless he was particularly upset. Unless he was particularly upset because this was confrontational about something he probably wasn't happy about confronting. It was all pretty confusing, to say the least. He wasn't sure what to make of it. He wasn't denying it, which was a good sign but he couldn't seem to bring himself to even discuss it which was either a really good sign or a really bad one. "Am I...what? No, I'm not dying," Regulus said, the iciness melting just long enough for a touch of confusion to seep in. Dying? Where in Merlin's name did Sirius pull that out? Or...at least he hoped he wasn't dying... "You went very still!" Sirius told him, probably loud enough for even Marlene to have heard him. "I thought you might have been having some kind of seizure or break down or something!" Of course, he really hadn't been all that serious but have you tried explaining humour to Regulus Black? It really just didn't work. It was easier to come out with something like that. "Fuck, I used to have the same reaction with Father, I thought he'd fallen asleep with his eyes open or something but since you were quiet and everything..." This would lead to no good, so he cut himself off while he still could. Regulus blinked, sensing that perhaps he simply did not understand what it was that Sirius was prattling on about. Still? He was typically still as a rule of thumb, of course, but Sirius rarely made sense to him. He mostly chose to pay little mind until their father was brought into it. Family. Family discussions between the two of them rarely if ever ended well, and he was not certain just how safe this place was, Muggle or not. He went rigid again. "I'm simply a still sort of person, I suppose." "Look! You just did it again!" It might have been stating the obvious but this wasn't nearly as bad as him simply staring into space as if he'd slipped into some sort of waking coma. It was almost bizarre to watch, he wasn't quite sure he'd seen anything like it beyond his own memories of his Father and those seemed to be fading the longer it was since he'd seen him. Sirius sighed; they were getting off topic. Clearly the point of this was that he'd wanted to discern what he knew, both about the death eaters and himself, to make sure he wasn't getting any fancy ideas about joining up and to see if he was, for lack of a better term, happy. Thus far he'd gotten frozen moments, parroted back talk and panicking, none of which was good for anyone and especially not good for his brother. This was generally what happened when you took his control away from him, but they needed to get back to the point. "I've said a lot here - it would be brilliant if you could say something about it." "What do you want me to say?" Regulus asked with an uncomfortable shrug. Sirius had said a lot -- and what was he wanting, exactly? What could be said? This simply was not a conversation Regulus was able to have: it was far too close to the truth for him to be comfortable discussing it, but Sirius seemed to be perpetually under the impression that full and truthful answers could just be given openly to every question asked...and that just was not the case. The truth was, he wasn't sure what he wanted him to say. What could he say? What was going to help them with this? Not a damn thing, probably. "Truth'd be nice." He said, with a shrug. Even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear, he'd quite like him to say what he thought, rather than have something parroted back to him. "I'm not sure which question you're referring to." Regulus shot a sideways glance to his brother, partially stalling and partially honing in on what the exact question was so he wouldn't end up offering more information than was entirely necessary. Not that any information was all that necessary, but he supposed it was wise to humour Sirius to the point where he could leave without rousing any more suspicion. Sirius had think for a moment to actually specify in his head what question was the core question here. It wasn't likely he'd get another opportunity like this, was it? "What are you so afraid of, that you can't be straight with me?" That was the core of it. Yes, there were Blacks and they took to avoidance and denial like a duck to water but sometimes he needed an honest answer. Sometimes he needed to know if he was right or if he was wasting his time on a lost cause, not that it would change much if he was. He wiped his palm across his eye in an undignified way, "I'm so tired of playing games. I'm even more tired of making excuses for you but I always do because it's you. I've lied to people I care about, I've cheated and I've manipulated simply so I can have a conversation. Don't you think you at least owe me an answer for what's been going on?" "I'm not afraid of anything, Sirius. There just isn't anything going on," Regulus started, straighting his shoulders, "It's just...stressful. NEWTs are stressful. Being harassed is stressful. It's just stressful." There was an element of punch to the words, and in reality -- the actual 'stressed' bit was true. Trying to fumble your way through something like the Death Eaters whilst maintaining the confidence of your superiors on top of NEWTs and being harassed was horrendous...then factoring in Sirius always talking to him only made things exponentially worse. But there was only so much of that truth that was worth saying. "You're lying. You always fix yourself when you lie, like Mum's told you to straighten up or something." This was the exact reason he'd wanted it to be in person. It was so much easier to tell when he wasn't being fully truthful with him. There was a part of it he was sure was true: he did look, (and as usual, sound) a little overstressed. Alright, more than a little, he sounded about five minutes away from putting his head between his legs and taking deep breaths. "You're intelligent. The exams will be a breeze." Sirius hit the table slightly irritibly, "Why are you so fixated on what these people you claim to not give a damn about think about you? So they're pissing you off. Everyone pisses everyone, it's a fact of life. They won't teach you it on an exam but you do need to learn some self control and not to feel harrassed over every little thing." Or the real world was going to eat him alive. "I am not," Regulus objected, wrinkling his nose and sticking out his chin haughtily. Half-truth or not, it wasn't a lie. A half-truth was not a lie. A very minor omission did not call for such an accusation. He felt himself slightly taken aback by this talk of fixation and self control -- it was a matter of self-respect. Was he to take it lying down? His mother never did...was it not her example he ought to follow? But Rodolphus Lestrange did not always jump in...but when he did, people listened. It was extremely frustrating, and he was left with no better idea of what he ought to be following. "I do not appreciate it when people slander me, my family, or my friends. I feel that constantly bothering a person who clearly does not wish to converse with you, insulting said person and all connections -- I feel that such a thing classifies as harassment." "You are. You'd be rubbish at card games, you're terrible at bluffing and you're much too young to play them anyway." That might have been a handful of contradictions itself but it didn't matter. He honestly didn't know what to do with him sometimes. No, make that most of the time. He was so completely frustrating when you were trying to get a point through his thick skull. Which he was sure James had said to him on more than one occation but that was completely beside the point. "It's not slander if a lot of it is true. Hang around with murderers, you're going to get lumped in with them by the general populace." He waved off the protests he knew were coming. "Don't bother saying that some of your friends aren't because I've seen it and I'd lay my life on it and unless I've misjudged you completely, you don't particularly want me dead any more than anyone who has to deal with me regularly does." "Oh, you've watched my friends murder people? Seen their faces? Watched them do it?" Regulus snipped, an edge creeping into his voice. He had not intended to allow emotion into this particular conversation, but honestly, where people came off with this 'proof,' Regulus hadn't any idea. They did not take the lives of their victims unmasked. They were not unintelligent, and he could not help but suspect a case of leaping to conclusions. "Watched them murder? No. Had people basically admit it? Yes." Sirius couldn't tell him about what had happened at their Grandfathers without admitting his part in his arrest. That was not likely to go down well, considering he'd said he hadn't sent him to Azkaban which was a lie of omission which didn't mean he was lying to him, really. Just not telling the full truth for security reasons. "Besides; people who run around casting unforgivables do not have the publics general health in their interests. You have to be more careful. You promised." "Then you haven't seen it. A bunch of people who don't like us, sitting around and calling us Death Eaters does not make us Death Eaters. I feel like you are not listening to a single word I say to you, Sirius." Turning his entire head to look at Sirius for the first time, Regulus knit his eyebrows. "I am being careful. I do not know anyone throwing about Unforgivables. I do not know who the real culprits are, the ones allowing the rest of us to be framed and take the blame, but that doesn't mean it should be blindly believed, simply because you lot are biased -- claim your moral superiority all you want, but you are biased." The words were perhaps embellished a smidge with their delivery and phrasing, and a touch of intensity filtered through the formerly blank expression. "Listen to me and listen very carefully." He lowered his voice significantly before going on. "I know what Bellatrix is. She's already admitted it. If James says that Rodolphus is, I believe him, considering everything he's done for me." He pushed his hair back and sat back against the seat. He was listening, he did understand what he was trying to tell him but it didn't change the facts. "I'll wager not everyone getting fucked with is a Death Eater, but some of them are. That's what your problem is: association." He sighed heavily, not quite knowing how he was going to get this through to him, being so biased. "Reg, I know some of them are using unforgivables. In fact, three people have been hit by them, did you know that? Myself in-fucking-cluded and it's not fair and it's not right and it's not my friends doing it. Apples don't always fall that far from the tree and you're not exactly neutral either." He resisted sticking his tongue out or something equally childish. "I will admit theres a possibility I'm wrong about some if you'll admit there's a possibility I'm right about some." "Potter also seems to think I am," Regulus muttered, uncertain if it was really something he ought to say and settling for the half-mumble instead. "Innocent people's reputations are being destroyed because of a willingness to jump to conclusions at every little thing, and I can't not associate with my family and friends, even if your friends are determined to ruin our lives as thoroughly as possible." Regulus's expression only subtly twitched at the mention of Unforgivables; he had not know Sirius had been hit by one, but they were certainly in the Death Eater arsenal, and with all the trouble Sirius stuck his nose into, it was not particularly surprising. Regulus himself had only ever used the Killing Curse in battle (he was particularly wary of his Cruciatus), but he did not prefer to think about battles when not in battles. "Of course I am not neutral: I am on the side of my family. And the problem with admitting possibility is like saying I think my friends and family capable of murder, which I'm not certain I can," he finishing, his hands finally giving up their clamped ways to properly find the bottom hems of his robe sleeves. He had been trying to break the habit, as his mother did not like the way it stretched the clothing, but...it gave a strange sense of personal control, just having the sleeves to toy with, and his mother...could not currently see him, and surely there weren't any spies. Surely. "Paranoia is getting to everyone. Everywhere you go you'll find people that are accusing and being accused." Sirius wouldn't have accepted that as an answer but it was the only answer he could really give him. They were brothers; one in one way and one in another and he wasn't going to rise to the bait. He could lie his way out of it and say James didn't really mean it, but that wasn't true. He probably honestly did believe it which was even more perplexing. "He doesn't know you. What he does know is that you have made friends with people who have hurt me and mine and that makes you a likely candidate. It'll pass. All of it will. As long as you let it." He wanted to let him draw his own conclusions from that. "I want you to think about this before you answer it. The Blacks, as a whole, are pretty supportive of this terrorist activity. Does that mean you support it? Would you be fine with it if people you don't know all died over something as petty as blood? Think you're superior all you like. I don't think that justifies destroying their lives. We're wizards, not Gods." He was monologuing but he didn't really care. Sometimes he had to talk about it because who else was going to. "Do you think they would have the right to take my life as I chose not to believe in some almighty cause?" A thick silence fell over them -- or at least Regulus found it rather suffocating. With Sirius's ending words, Regulus's mind shifted automatically to Barty and his talk of how pleasant it would be to watch Sirius bleeding to death; a shiver crept up his spine before he could tense enough to stop it. His best friend wished to murder his...or rather what used to be his brother, and should that matter? Should it bother him? Was Sirius not dead to him already? Sirius was dead to him. Abandoned him, abandoned the family. Did he not have Marius and Severus and Aquila and others to garner that sort of relationship with? Marius for one had already stepped in with Potter in defense -- something Sirius would have never done. He would of course put the filth before blood. Why should Regulus even care what happened to a bunch of dirty strangers when Sirius time and time again chose Potter and Lupin and that useless Pettigrew boy? When they were bullying him, where was Sirius? With them and joining in. Perhaps it was genuinely the fault of the filth for brainwashing him like that -- for corrupting him against the tights bonds of the family, but the Muggles were destroying each trace of their traditional culture, a little bit at a time. They had to be stopped, and they wouldn't stop, and Sirius didn't understand, and he never would, because -- because asking that last question was not a fair question. His fingers twisted more tightly into the fabric. The silence was deafening and his stomach was thoroughly knotted. He wasn't answering. Merlin, it was actually a question to him. That was sick, it was wrong, it was....it was more than that, it was terrifying. Everything about him screamed nervous gestures, from that wierd thing he does with his sleeves when being reprimanded to the deathly silence and unmet eyes. He flushed slightly with embarrassment and perhaps a little shame. "You have to think about it." The words were drawn out, as if speaking a language he couldn't quite understand and there was a distinctly sour taste in his mouth to go along with it. "You have to think about it." He repeated, as if getting slightly more sure with the second voicing. It didn't make him feel the slightest bit better and in fact, he was starting to think he might throw up. "I...I wouldn't have to think about it." The words came out as if from a dream state, like he wasn't quite sure this conversation could actually be happening. Something sharp seemed to shoot through Regulus, and his fingers dug into the skin of his palms. "I...I don't want you dead." Did he? He did. Didn't? His mother did -- was that enough? He did not want to think about this. He hated the slight shake that had crept into his voice, and he tried quite desperately to smooth it out once again. "Sirius, I just -- Sirius, I'm not supposed to be talking to you. I am not supposed to be here; I cannot have this conversation, and I don't know what you want from me because nothing I say is being accepted, and -- and you left, and you can't just -- we are in public, and I don't want to talk about death anymore." The tightly clenched fists were doing nothing for his stumbling, and he wished so much to summon up poise he could manage with other people. There was something that seemed to be unnerving, almost frightening to see that it seemed to have taken his brother to actually hurt him for Sirius to start to see a crack or two appear. "If you...continue down this path, you are going to end up on the opposite side of war. I don't want that, because I don't want to watch you die for something so fucking futile. There has to be a better way and I believe there is." Sirius was almost surprising himself, because he was being a lot more honest than he probably should have been being. "You never say what you want. You say what you're supposed to and that's why you're the favourite. You don't ask questions and you do what you're told. Legally, you're almost an adult and there is only so much I can do for you when all you do is fight back when I try." He couldn't quite pinpoint if he was really upset or if he was really angry about this, but both could have been causing his wavering demeaner. "But you're right. Maybe you shouldn't talk to me because I had the sense to walk away with whatever sanity I had left. You were there. You saw what I was going through. I couldn't stay. You say I don't listen to you but all I can hear out of your mouth it's...it's like I'm talking to Mum. There's a you in there because I've seen it but no matter how hard I fucking try, you only give me little glimpses of that person and public is the only place I had half a chance of getting answer...but no. Still same old, same old. I left because they're never going to accept me. I wish they would but they won't. But people keep dying and people are paranoid and worst of all, people are scared. I know there are ties here. I don't want you to be sucked into that world. Can you begrudge me that?" It had often been said but he really didn't seem to know when to shut up. He was fairly sure if Marlene had heard any of that, he'd be mocked for the rest of his days. Regulus could not keep a silent and bitter too late for that from running through his head as Sirius spoke of how he did not wish to inflict the Death Eater existence on his little brother, but it was unavoidable. There was no sitting around, glaring at Muggles uselessly after losing an heir to blood traitordom. There was no facade dropping, no thinking outside of the box of what was right and what he was meant to do now. Sirius didn't understand what his leaving meant, and he never would. He couldn't because he had never understood The Life. Not since before those disgusting, thieving Gryffindors sunk their claws into the heir of one of the most prominent Pureblood families. Perhaps it seemed cut and dry, stay or leave to his brother -- Regulus could not properly tell, as it was, but there were not options. How could he even want options? He had a life plotted out before him, and there was no backup plan for him. Even if there was...his parents. How could he hurt them like that? Cissa. How could he possibly do that to her? And Barty, and all of his friends. Nearly all of his friends had taken the Mark as well, and there was no changing one's mind to go back to leisurely hating the Muggles. And how could he when he was doing something? Doing it for his family, and for their culture, and for...everything his life was built upon. And then Sirius just swooping in and mucking it all up. Regulus did not want to think about it. It was an area of his life he did not dare question, and these conversations felt more dangerous almost than the risk of being caught speaking to his non-brother. "I'm being careful," Regulus said quietly after an empty silence. "Obviously not careful enough." Sirius' tone was sad but knowing. It was a common family trait not to be overly cautious. Clearly things were getting overly emotional and overly upsetting and he didn't really like getting upset over this kind of stuff in public, if at all. It was all just so horrifically frustrating. "Just don't hurt yourself. Or anyone else but sometimes that's unavoidable." He knew that only too well. He tried to laugh but it came out more like a painful croak than a laugh really, "Try to keep all your bodily organs too, alright?" This was getting ridiculous and he was being quite obviously paranoid; not for the first time, either. "Don't do anything you don't want to. Don't die. Dying a virgin is overrated and you're too young to be touching girls - or boys, I'm not fussy about what you want to do with your life as long as you made the decision. No one else." Hopefully that had some air of finality to it. Tucking the sudden flustered feeling back under the safety of a mask -- after all, he did not find vulnerability to be a pleasant thing to go about displaying, especially in this sort of matter -- Regulus shrugged a single shoulder. "I am not a fan of pain, nor of losing body parts -- especially considering it involves pain, I imagine -- and I'm not going to die period because there is no reason for me to, and that is entirely inappropriate." He did not know what people's fixation on his sexuality was. He was not abnormal, for Merlin's sake...he was the epitome of normal. "You're unluckily stuck with an older brother who constantly asks 'why?' even when he shouldn't." Sirius shrugged; he didn't mean to put his brother in danger any more than he meant to put any of his friends in but he always did seem to manage it. "You need to do nothing." Besides, for once, he hadn't meant getting hurt. He'd meant something slightly more sinister, considering people would think him an adult and he could be asked to do that thing that neither of them really wanted to talk about but he needed to make sure he knew the score. "It's not inappropriate. You're a purist. People think you might be a Death Eater. You're almost an adult and don't make me say that again because that's worrisome and I'm slightly concerned about what might be asked of you and whether or not you'd think to ask before saying 'how high?' when told to jump!" "I'm seventeen years old, Sirius. I am of age. I am an adult," Regulus responded, slanting his mouth down a bit and resisting any urge to huff. Eleven months did not make that much of a difference. He was just as capable as anyone else, but he could hear the concern in Sirius's voice as Regulus's instant need to go above and beyond was brought back out. He wondered what Sirius would think if he knew just 'how high' Regulus had 'jumped' thus far. Probably nothing good, which made its secrecy all the better, but he did have a duty. It was what he was meant to do, and considering he had almost hoped Sirius wouldn't make such connections (despite his frustration when Sirius didn't make proper gravity-of-the-situation connections), Regulus had to consider carefully how he ought to respond. "Not every purist is a Death Eater, and it appears they have enough resources to work with that they would not bother with a student, or with any of us who are not interested in blood-bathing, for that matter," he stated, hoping it was careful enough. "You're not going to be a student much longer." Sirius pointed out, almost wistfully. There was something in the back of his mind saying that it was easier when they were younger and he listened but that was often the problem with Regulus. He listened too damn much and got himself into trouble. Or possibly could get himsef into even worse trouble. "Think what I may about you being an adult, the world will see you running around with people who are Death Eaters and judge you accordingly." He sighed, not knowing how to phrase it. "You said you would stand with your family. Your family has made a choice and it's the one that includes murder and mayhem. Even if thats not you..." It was difficult to even think about, almost like talking about a wrong person. "Regulus, not every Death Eater, I imagine, started out wanting to kill people. Some probably joined for a chance to show their intelligence, to work on potions or other academic ways to further this 'cause' of theirs." He pushed his hair back for the millionth time and even smiled, a little sadly, "I wanted to know what you would say, if asked. I've changed my mind. I don't want to know." "With people who they have decided are Death Eaters," Regulus corrected calmly, releasing the death grip on his sleeves to primly fold his hands. It was disconcerting, hearing Sirius work through all of it logically, and Regulus wished very much that he had never come, but if he could just avoid anything to incriminating, this wouldn't be a complete loss. There was even a twinge of relief as it was stated that the daunting question wasn't going to be asked. Whether or not he would join. Of course, Regulus would have needed to flat out lie on that one, and whether or not it would have been convincing at all was another story that luckily did not require much stressing over. The question wouldn't be asked. "All right," he said in a once again detached sort of voice, as if it did not require anything but casual dismissal. The whole conversation had brought about quite extreme fluctuations in his mood, but once again, he was in control of himself. Everything was all right. Soon enough, it would even be over, and he could go home in peace. "Call a spade a spade, Reg, I know what Bella is. I know who our parents support because it wasn't even two years that I was still listening to this idiotic idealism from them." It was saddening, all this because he couldn't grasp or couldn't admit what his own family was. Sirius could understand it through; his brother obviously knew, was obviously a little afraid of being asked and that made him a little hopeful. It meant that maybe it wasn't too late. At the same time, he didn't know if he could say no but he supposed knows that question until it's asked. No one asks to do great or horrific things; they happen and people react. He could only hope and as Dumbledore or someone else older and wiser than himself had said, hope is all you really have in times like these. "Your mind is made up about this. Your mind is contridicting you about this. You're obviously overloaded and can't even think straight because you're not really making much sense and your plausible denial isn't plausible, which leads me to think you knew all this before and that you don't care. I'm flattered that after much thought you don't think I should die, but you've pretty much just told me what you'd say anyway and I don't want to hear it." He cracked another smile, "I can be as much in denial as you can. I'm older so I'm even better at it." His tone was light, as if saying he was better at a school subject, rather than burying his head in the sand. Regulus stared evenly back, and not even a fake smile could find its way onto his face. It didn't matter, though, since he wasn't much of a smiler by nature, anyway, so there was no use in faking it. A small chill crept up his spine, and he considered launching into another fit of denial, but what good would it do at this point? Sirius did not know that he was a Death Eater, but he seemed to have concluded that Regulus would obey if asked to. Which was more than Regulus had wished to share, but he didn't think he could manage a convincing denial with Sirius acting just as serene. The best thing to do was to get away. To ignore, omit, leave. "If you are done, then I think it is time I return home. NEWTs are this month, and I have another Ancient Runes passage I must tackle today if I wish to remain on schedule," he said quietly and evenly, unfolding his hands and standing up. Sirius nodded somewhat numbly, as if he actually agreed with him. He supposed he wanted him to do well on his exams, that was something. He supposed he couldn't just let him walk. It was too close and he wanted something, anything that was positive at this particular moment. "I won't argue, if you'll answer me something very simple and not avoid it." It was possibly the stupidest question in the entirely world, but in that moment, it happened to be the only stupid question he wanted to ask. Probably both for its implications and its nature. "Do you ever go into the attic?" As if his limbs had been frozen in place, Regulus stood perfectly still, any and all movement ceasing as the question was asked. The attic. A place that had been an unspokenly forbidden place in Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. His mind fell back against his will to the days of following Sirius wherever he went, regardless of when or where (but not regardless of whether or not their parents were looking, as that was always something to note). They had never been caught or thrashed or anything of the sort, as they always managed to escape the situation prior to any discovery...but even if there had never been anything particularly exciting beyond the door that warranted such a risk, he could feel the significance intended behind it. Only once had he gone to the attic alone; with Sirius gone in an alarmingly permanent way, nothing had felt the same. Granted, nothing had felt the same for ages leading up to the event, but the finality was unsettling, and although he was the first to claim it a fortunate thing (after all, now he could show his parents more than ever what a wonderful son he was, yes?), but not long had passed -- walking by the door to the attic every day on the top floor of their home -- before it had become necessary to try. But Sirius had not been hiding there, nor had that same feeling they had had as children. The one that made it worth it to break the rules because Sirius was including him in on the games. Sirius wasn't including him in on anything, nor could Regulus bear the ire that would have rained down upon him from his parents if Sirius had. For a time he hadn't bothered to measure, he had sat there, thinking of nothing and everything, feeling lonely and angry and resisting the urge to blast that stupid trunk with the stupid clothes because he knew he would regret it if he did. The afternoon was left behind at dinnertime. His parents and Kreacher had assumed he had been in his room all day, and it was easy enough to make it true, to banish any conflicting thought. He had needed to leave the attic behind, had he not? Sirius had left him behind, and nothing good could come of clinging to what so blatantly represented, at least to them, a personal and needless rebellion against their parents. Because Regulus was not a rebel. "I require nothing that is currently stored in the attic, so I have made no regular trips to it," he said quietly, looking back at Sirius with gently furrowed eyebrows. Perhaps he could mention the one instance, but what good would come of it? What did it matter? So it was easier to brush off the unspoken implications. Sirius had requested no avoidance, but that did not count as avoidance, did it? "Regular," Sirius repeated, trying to bite back a slight smile. He knew what that place had meant to him as a child. It had meant a way of conquering authority, a way of being his own person and that rules could be made to be broken. The fact that Regulus had followed him had spoke of a stronger dedication to some existing sibling bond and at a young age, that bond had managed to override everything their parents had told him not to do. He probably knew damn well what he was implying, too. He wanted to know if there was some semblence of it still there or if this was a complete lost cause. Not that he'd ever been one to give up on seemingly lost causes. "But it's happened." It was a thoroughly satisfying thought and a rather perfect one to let him get away with. He knew it probably symbolised a childhood to his brother, something that had been lost to him and would never come back. He had to admit, a part of him wanted some part of that bond back. He was selfish that way. James...it was like having an older brother. One who cared for him, looked out for him and kept him safe when he screwed up. But Reggie...well, it was still his baby brother and all those things should apply to their relationship too. If he was honest, a part of him had expected things not to change there and when he'd gone back to school, he'd have still been his little brother. It'd lingered longer than that too. Stupid things like wanting him to know where he lived now, wanting to tell him about his exam results or in his weakest moments, ask how things were at home. Well, Grimmauld Place. He was still learning that distinction, like from mudblood to muggleborn. It was happening, just slowly. |