Severus Snape is tired of the lies. (fortiscadere) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-05-10 23:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-05] may, lily potter (née evans), severus snape |
RP Log: Severus Snape & Lily Potter
Who: Severus Snape & Lily Potter.
When: Saturday morning, 10 May 1979, around 10am.
Where: Spinner's End, UK.
What: Lily seeks out an old friend
Rating: PG-ish
Status: COMPLETE.
Lily Potter was far from fine. One glance at her, even from a distance, was all it took to decipher that fact. She was shaking, trembling, her face was splotchy from crying, her eyes bright red, and her hair an absolute mess. That was only her surface appearance, and beneath the surface it was a much bigger mess. A lesson had been learned last night - technically this morning, rather - and that lesson was that timing was everything. she had apparated to her parents' house just after midnight Saturday morning. That's when her entire world crashed and crumbled right before her eyes. Lily's visit ended up timed in such a horrid fashion that she had been there to witness the torture and murder of her parents. The authorities had question after question, questions Lily wished they would stop asking her. She just wanted to get out of there, out of that house. The investigation had taken the rest of the early morning hours, and the questions kept coming. Lily hadn't even had a moment to journal James, yet, and despite dreading the worried overprotection she knew as to come, she desperately wanted the company of someone familiar... someone who wasn't there investigating. At approximately 10:30 Saturday morning, ten and 1/2 hours after she arrived and her world went to hell, Lily managed to excuse herself from the questions to go for a walk. She needed the air. Like a mannequin going through the motions, Lily's feet led her down the familiar paths while her mind was effectively blocked. Numb. Blank. She didn't know how long she had spent there, outside of the Snape household, before she brought her hand up to knock. The voice inside of her that would usually be echoing James's worries was silenced by the need of a familiar face, and old comfort... a friend. Severus' morning had been surprisingly normal. He'd woke up, he'd fixed his Mother something to eat and a cup of tea, and then he'd pulled out some potions books for some reading, every now and then glancing across the room to where his Mum sat in a chair, staring out of the window. There was sadly nothing abnormal about this quiet stillness and although he had emptied and refilled her tea merely a few minutes before, he had spent most of the morning with his nose in a book. His unease about the weekend had faded somewhat. The gnawing feeling of restlessness and guilt that had made him less than interested in the morning's beans and toast had subsided somewhat. He had spent most of the evening before compartmentalizing what he was going to be doing that evening. It was a simple task, and he wasn't going to spend time thinking about it: dwelling on it. It had to be done, there was nothing else to say about it. There was nothing in the command that said he had to enjoy the task or be extraordinarily cruel in the execution of it. He and Aquila had agreed that whatever there was to be done, should be done quickly, and without anything that could be construed as torture. The knock on his door startled him and his Mum. She turned her head, giving him a questioning look. "I'm sure it's no one of import," Sev said to her, as he stood and moved towards the front door. "Aquila maybe," he suggested off handedly. He could think of nobody else who was likely to visit Spinner's End, and he could think of nobody else who would do so at this hour of the morning. Thus, Severus was stunned when he opened the door to find Lily Eva-no Potter on his doorstep. One look at her and Severus knew. She looked terrible - as terrible as it was possible for Lily Evans to look to Severus, and he instantly put out a hand towards her in an intimate gesture he hadn't dared make for years. "Lily," he exclaimed, his tone more surprised than questioning. And he truly was surprised that Potter wasn't with her, and that she was coming here instead of going to her husband and her friends. "Lily, what's wrong?" He asked, even though he knew what her answer was going to be. Barty, clearly, had carried out his orders. Lily squeezed her eyes shut, doing her best to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over. She was afraid that the minute she opened her mouth and voiced what had happened - this time to someone who cared and not because of an inquisition - that she would lose what little control she had left. Lily shook her head slowly, looking downward... here was not the place to talk about it. Rather, she wasn't ready yet, buying into the notion that it simply wasn't the right place was much easier than realizing that. "Fancy a walk?" she said in a quiet and rather pathetic voice. Lily's spirit was shattered from that mornings events and she couldn't hide it. As much as she wanted her husband there, she wasn't about to ask Severus to write him a message while investigators continued to investigate. Seeing Severus there, Lily ignored the strong desire to wrap her arms around him and cry on his shoulder - she didn't want to cry again. Instead her arms wrapped around her own stomach, hugging tightly to her sides, as she dropped her eyes to the ground. Severus knew the only reason she could be here without Potter, in fact, the only reason she could be here at all is because she must not have yet contacted James. If she had, Potter would have been with her, and more than likely he would never have allowed her to come here. Severus felt momentarily smug that she had come to him before even contacting her husband, but the sense was brief, driven by old rivalries and the knowledge that Lily would never be his. It was followed by an overwhelming sense of guilt that whatever had happened, Severus could have stopped it. He had known it was going to happen ahead of time and he had said nothing. He had said nothing to her: nothing to anyone who mattered, and as a result he had allowed this pain to happen to her. He dropped his own hand back to his side, realising that maybe she didn't want to be touched. Or at least maybe she didn't want to be touched by him. If she knew the truth, he knew she wouldn't want to be touched by him: not now, not ever. Severus had long ago given up hope of ever gaining Lily back. He told himself that she was lost to him, and that there was no possibility of retrieval, but finding her here on his front stoop in the flesh made those rationalizations fade away. It felt as if she were merely one or two right actions away from him, but he'd been taking all of the wrong actions. He swallowed hoping that it would clear away the gnawing pit in his stomach. Whatever he could have done he hadn't done it but Lily was here now, and Severus wasn't about to turn her away. The pit held, despite his hope. "Of course," he said softly. "A walk." He turned to find that his Mother had actually moved from her chair. She was standing at the table behind him staring at the two. "Erm... it's Lily, Mum, you remember," he said to her. "We're going to walk a bit, I'll be back shortly." He stepped forward pulling the wooden door to behind him without giving his mother a chance to remember or not. It wasn't likely the conversation would have been long, but it would probably have been arduous, and Severus didn't feel that he could handle that this time. "Thank you," Lily said meekly, turning to begin walking again. She found it nearly impossible to stand still for even a moment of time, as it was only a matter of moments before she'd break down and lose all strength. She was hoping by that time she'd be with James. "I, uhm, didn't really feel like being alone right now." A quiet admission that she knew would sound strange to Severus, but she didn't feel like indulging in anymore information. Lily braced herself for the questions to come: Where is James? How are your parents? Did you tell them I said hello? What's wrong? Are you fighting with Petunia again? How are you? It didn't matter what question he asked, what Severus said next, Lily knew she was going to have to say something. She was afraid what would come out of her mouth in response. Lily was quickly beginning to think she was not nearly as strong as anyone had ever thought her to be. Severus latched the door and placed his hand on the small of her back leading her... where he really wasn't certain. As they walked out of the small front garden, he kept his eyes on her face, not certain what to say. He didn't know anything, of course. He couldn't know anything, and yet her face told him everything he needed to know and he didn't know how to best ask. Did she need to talk? Did she need someone to simply be with her right now? For once in his life Severus wanted to not fuck it up. Except that he was pretty certain he already had simply by allowing the event to happen in the first place. By not warning her... he had indirectly caused anything that had happened to Lily, and with that he could no longer simply not know what he had caused. "I wasn't expecting you," he said, feeling awkward as he tried to make something that would pass for normal conversation, despite the knot in his stomach, and the terrible fear of knowing the truth. "I mean, you didn't mention that you'd drop by." I didn't think Potter would let you drop by, was the unspoken statement in the string of sentences. "I-" Did you have a good visit? was out. How are your parents equally out. Anything he asked that would seem normal, was also hideously cruel with his knowledge of what had happened, and yet, he didn't have that knowledge - or so far as Lily was concerned he didn't, and if he hadn't, what would he have asked? "I'm glad you did," he said, putting off again saying anything about her family. "Even if I wasn't expecting... it's nice to see you, but you look... are you all right Lily? You look like you haven't slept at all." He turned his dark eyes to her, his brows furrowing slightly in concern that, while he hoped didn't give away exactly what he knew, was genuine. Should he ask about her parents? Was it giving too much away to not ask? But it would be assumed that the reason she was here was to visit her parents. She'd assume that he knew that, cause clearly she wasn't going to be here simply to see him. Unless... "Where's Po-James?" he asked, allowing his tone to chill just a bit. The obvious question to ask was did he do something to you', but Severus couldn't bring himself to ask it. Had he not known the truth, he would have asked it in a heart beat, but Severus knew who had done this to Lily and it seemed unusually cruel, so he let the question exist unspoken. Her head shook slowly, she wasn't alright. "I, uh, haven't slept, no." Lily said biting her lip. She took in a deep breath, slowly in and slowly out, trying to chose words to answer that would cause the floodgate of tears to come. "James is.." not here, not with her, not where she wanted him to be. "He's at our flat," Lily managed to finish her sentence. Pulling her arms around her stomach tighter, she explained almost inaudibly why James wasn't with her now, "He doesn't know anything is wrong, they haven't let me owl or journal or call-" Lily stared at the leaves of a random tree, trying to find that place of numbness she managed to do after an hour of questioning. It was easier to do to the officials, they weren't a friend. After all these years, despite the distance between the two of them, she found it difficult to act indifferent toward him. The thought of confessing it to a friend made it all the more real, but Lily desperately wanted this to be a nightmare. Severus couldn't stand this awkwardness. He glanced at her, trying to figure what to say or do next and finally grasped on her last sentence. "Who won't let you owl or journal?" Severus asked. "James doesn't know anything is wrong? Lily? What is wrong?" He reached his hand out to her shoulder, tentatively touching it as he asked. The not knowing was worse, possibly than the knowing. She looked like she was near tears and Severus cursed himself for not having done something to stop it. Maybe he should have simply told Lily. Maybe he should have gone to Lestrange and suggested a different target. Maybe... He swallowed. "Lily?" The combination of the touch on her shoulder and the questions about what happened was more than she could take. There wasn't anyway she'd keep the tears back now, or the words from coming. "Oh, Sev, it was just horrible. A.. a Death Eater.. he.. my parents.. He murdered them. I was there and I couldn't stop him.. I couldn't save them.." Lily wasn't sure if she was going to pass out, get sick, or fall over, but her head was spinning with emotions and trauma causing her to lose her balance. "It's.. it's my fault.." she said almost inaudibly before the sobs came. She was there, she should have stopped it, she should have gotten help when she could. "Merlin," Severus breathed. And without hesitation he slid his arm around her and pulled her close to him. He was suddenly furious, with himself, with Barty, with the Dark Lord, with anything or anyone who had caused this to happen. And there had been people to blame, but it certainly wasn't Lily. And it hurt him that Lily, Lily who would never harm anyone out of malice or spite, was blaming herself for what had happened to her parents. Barty Crouch would pay for this. Severus would see that somehow Barty paid for what he'd done to Lily by forcing her to watch her parents die. "Lily, it is not your fault," he exclaimed, his words coming out more harshly than he'd intended because of the anger that was building in his frame. "Oh, Lily," he added. "I..." He didn't know how to say he was sorry, and he was sorry. He was sorry that she'd had to witness it. He was sorry that he hadn't said anything to her to prevent it. He felt awkward standing there in the middle of the road knowing that he knew what he knew, and he hadn't done anything and now Lily was hurting. "I'm so sorry," he added finally, not knowing what else to say. It took a while, this time, for the sobbing to subside and the tears to slow down. Her entire world fell apart in the past 12 hours, and she wanted desperately to wake up and discover it had all be a bad, horrid nightmare. "You wouldn't know where to find a Time Turner, would you?" She asked weakly, the faint trace of a smirk tugged at her lips for merely a second before fading back into a frown. It was senseless to wish for the impossible, what was done was done and Lily knew she couldn't change it. There were so many thoughts running through her mind, too many, too rapidly. She found she couldn't make sense of any of them long enough to voice them. Her parents were dead, they didn't deserve to die. She'd have rather died herself, than to have them suffer like they did. If it hadn't been for her, they'd never have been targets - and she hadn't been strong enough to save them! What was she going to tell Petunia? Oh, merlin, who was going to plan the memorial? How would they catch the masked pyschopath and give the justice to the situation that her parents, her sweet and kind parents, deserved to have. Who was next? Severus held her until it seemed that she wasn't crying anymore. He felt terrible, and he knew that he should feel terrible. While it might not have been Lily's fault, it was his fault. He looked at her, his pale face more ashen than normal, his dark eyes searching her face. Was she going to be all right? He hadn't seen any way to tell her without it being clear that he was a Death Eater, but as he looked at her now, he realised that had been a dreadful reason not to tell her. It was a pathetic reason to not in some way say something that might have warned her that it was coming. She looked so fragile, like a butterfly someone had caught that might be crushed at the wrong move, and Severus wasn't used to that from Lily. She was always so full of life, so strong, so sure of herself and her opinions. "I don't," he tried to smile, but the attempt to be light fell flat. He reached out and pushed a hair back from her face. There was a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach as he looked at her. He couldn't think of a thing that he could do to make anything better. And eventually she would leave him and return to Potter and to that lot, and there wouldn't be anything he could do, because they wouldn't let him help, even if he tried: even if his intentions were the best. He hadn't felt so useless since Hogwarts. He reached for her hand, urging her to walk with him again. Unconsciously moving towards the river and the trees and places they'd haunted as children. Perhaps Lily had been right when she'd said things were easier when they were eleven. However little he wanted to return to his home life of that time, he genuinely missed the friendship they'd shared at that time. "What can I do, Lily?" He asked her. "What do you need? Can I help?" Lily allowed him to lead her as they began walking again. The old childhood places seemed empty, hollow now. They once stood for safety and comfort, and now they felt as if they had belonged in someone else's life - not hers. She heard his questions, but the sounded far off, distant, as if they were meant for someone else's ears. Lily was merely going through the motions now, almost as if she was in another place entirely. Finally, she managed to find her voice long enough to answer him. "I don't think there is anything you can do. I don't think there is anything anyone can do. I just.. don't know." Her voice was calm and even, strangely so. Eventually she'd lose herself in another emotional wreckage, but right now she was doing whatever it took to distance herself from it. Severus nodded trying to pretend that he remotely understood what she was going through. His father had died during the past year, of course, but Severus had never loved his father, had in fact loathed him, and had also been expecting his father's death, since he was behind it. He couldn't sympathise really, because he hadn't lost someone he loved. He thought of his Mother and how she sat alone most days, docile and limp, and he hoped that this wouldn't do that to Lily. The way she was walking, the calmness of her voice, scared Severus. What if she did do that? What if she lost her desire to live. At least she's alive, a voice spoke in the back of his head, but he shushed it with Is that really alive? His mother was alive too, but Sev wasn't certain that he'd call what his mother was doing 'living', precisely. Uncertain, and a bit fearfully, he squeezed her hand gently. "Well, if I can," he stated, but his words felt flat, perhaps more so by the knowledge that he wouldn't be allowed to really do anything. They were approaching the park where they'd played as children. If it had looked sometimes run down at the age of seven, eight, or nine, it looked more so through adult eyes. The paint on the swing set was chipping and their was rust gathering along the bolts on the merry-go-round. Severus glanced at it, and then back at Lily. His mind was racing thinking of how best to make Barty pay for what he'd done to Lily and her parents, how best to help Lily, and of course his own undeniable guilt with the entire situation. She seemed calmer now and Sev wondered if he should try to say something, change the subject to make the topic not her parents death, or whether simply being quiet was the best thing. He hated trying to figure out social situations, what best to do to be a friend for someone. He'd never felt particularly apt at the job, even with Lily, who was undeniably the person he felt closest to. It was a good thing her wand wasn't currently on her person. Looking around the park, at how rundown it seemed (which really, fit the somber mood she was in), Lily was overwhelmed with the desire to fix it up. To point her wand at it and cast as many cleaning and repairing charms at the park until it looked like it was a brand new park. The last thing she needed was to end up being detained at the Ministry for using magic in a place muggles could see. Lily laid down on the merry-go-round,her head on her hands, staring up at the clouds. She was much bigger now, much taller, so her legs were bent over the edge, feet still planted on the ground. She paid no attention to whether or not there were others around them, or if they were looking at her. What she wouldn't do to be a child again, to go back when things were happier for her. "I'm scared, Sev," Lily finally muttered quietly. "What if things never get any better? What if this isn't even the worst of it?" Severus stood for a moment looking down at her. Finally he sat down on the edge of the merry-go-round, right next to her, and stared at the grass. Thankfully the rain had not been so recent that the ground underneath their feet was mud. In his minds eye he could see him and Lily on the merry-go-round, spinning each other and Petunia yelling at them to not go so fast. A small smile played at his lips at the memory, but a wind blew the swings and the creak of the chains brought him back to the present. "Things have to get better," he said heavily. Although from where he was standing he was fairly certain things would only get worse. Tonight he and Avery had to carry through their assignment. Georgina and Evans still had theirs - so far as he knew. Within the past few months he'd been involved in so much destruction, and while the battles didn't bother him much - this personal type of thing really ate away at him. It seemed so unnecessary, but he wasn't the Dark Lord, and he knew that the Dark Lord, and Lestrange, Mulciber, people who gave the orders, saw it as valuable: It tore people apart. It was tearing Lily apart. He looked down at her and closed his eyes. "Even if it doesn't," he said finally. "I'll always be here, Lily." He opened his eyes and his thumb caught a thread at the edge of his sleeve. The thread began to unravel, the zig zag hem coming loose as he pulled. "I would do anything to keep you safe," he added. "I'm sorry I wasn't there last night." I'm just so thankful Barty didn't kill you too. "I'm sorry I didn't stop them." I could have stopped them. The apology could have been hypothetical, but it was much more real than Lily would realise. If he were honest, Sev would have to admit that he was scared too. With Selwyn's death, and the deaths of Lily's parents, everything felt much more real to him now. It was no longer simply something to do to protect Lily or to earn a place in the new government. Severus' own fear had kept him from saying anything to Lily. Fear of reprisal if they found out that he knew. There was no safe place for him, and if he was to keep himself and Lily safe, he was going to have to be extremely careful and walk a tightrope he hadn't realised he signed up to walk. He couldn't have protected her from outside, and he wasn't certain anymore that he could protect her from inside. Barty could have killed her last night on a whim and Sev wouldn't have known. He would have been sitting in his study, reading, as if that were important. He had to learn Occlumency. He needed to learn Legilimency too perhaps. The only place they would be safe is if nobody knew his ultimate goal. "It is scary," he said finally, his voice just barely above a whisper. "You should come to their memorial. Tuney might not be a fan of yours, but my parents always thought kindly of you," Lily said quietly. Of course, her parents thought kindly of everyone, but particularly so when it came to friends of their children. "I'm sure James and Sirius can handle being civil for one day." Lily closed her eyes, attempting to think back to the time when things were easier. Her mind filled with all sorts of unpleasant images, mostly revisiting the previous night. When she had signed up for the Order, Lily did so knowing that it would be dangerous. She didn't expect that it would be taken out on her family. She might not have been the one casting the spell, but it was her fault. If she hadn't risked her own life - and the lives of everyone that meant something to her - than they'd never have been targets. "I should get back," she frowned. "If I'm gone too long they might begin to think I fled the scene and try to arrest me." Her voice was dripping with the cynicism she had grown to feel toward the Ministry, its procedures, and the utter failure the red tape caused. "Promise me something, Sev?" Severs wondered how he would explain to the Death Eaters that he was going to the memorial for two Muggles he wasn't even related to, but his mind was already working on things he could say to make it work. Spying, figuring out who was in the Order, a request from his Mother, there were dozens of plausible excuses and if Lily asked him to go, he would be there, no matter how awkward it might be, or how dangerous it might be for him. "Anything," he said softly, glancing down at her. With his eyes he traced the outline of her cheek knowing he'd never be allowed to touch it. Even as upset and tired as she was, she was beautiful to him, and he wished that he knew a way to just stop caring. It would be so much easier if he didn't care. If she didn't have this hold on him that he would promise her anything, without knowing what it was or even if it was possible. Severus was usually a rational human being. He prided himself on that rational, cool evaluation of his behaviour and the behaviour of those around him, but with Lily he knew that things weren't rational. His brain and his heart, his knowledge and his desire were all tumbled up so that he wasn't even certain of anything around her. "That you'll be careful," she said looking at him with an earnest plea in her eyes. "There might be some people who are convinced you are a Death Eater, but those same people have proof that some of your.. friends are Death Eaters. They are dangerous, Sev, if they can kill innocent people.. I'm certain friendship means little to them. You told me you weren't, and I will believe you, but you need to be careful. Please." Lily wasn't telling him who he should or shouldn't associate with. She never did, even when she voiced her dislike and opinions of his mates back in school, she never told him not to be around them. As far as she was concerned, no one had that right to tell anyone else how to live, and she certainly didn't have the right to tell him who he should spend his time with if she, herself, was unable to spend much time with him. "I don't want to lose anyone else." Sev looked at her seriously. If she knew how deep in he was. If she only knew that tonight he was going to go and kill... He swallowed hard and glanced away, staring at the swing set across the park. Finally he nodded and looked at her. "I will be," he said. "I always am." It meant something to him that she actually still cared enough about him that she didn't want to lose him. Whatever Potter and Black might have told her, whatever poison they filled her mind with, she hadn't stopped caring about him. He lifted a hand and placed a limp strand of hair back behind his ear. This hadn't been the plan. What had been the plan? If you'd asked him even five years ago, if he and Lily would end up on opposite sides of a fence, he'd have said no, never, and yet here they were on such opposite sides of a fence that he wasn't certain there was any coming back together again. "Don't worry about me, Lily. I can take care of myself," there was the slightest edge to his voice as he added. "I always have." But then he turned to regard her and he shook his head, "Lily, please be careful," he said, and there was a hint of desperation in his tone. "You can't upset these people. You've seen... Your friends taunt them as if it's a playground game, as if it's Hogwarts, and it's not," his desire to keep her safe was over-riding his good judgement not to say anything at all about the Death Eaters. "They will do anything to shut up those that stand against them, and I can't bear the thought of you being in their path again." He closed his eyes trying not to think about if it had gone wrong. "You're lucky to be alive today." He realised it was a horrid choice of words, what with her parents not being alive, but all his fears were tumbling out and he seemed unable to stop them. "Please, please be careful. They don't see what I see. They don't see that you're a caring, wonderful person, they only see you as someone against them. And I can't stand the idea of you being in their power again," he raised stricken eyes to her face. I lost you once, I can't lose you again. And I can't always protect you. "I can't stand that something might happen to you because of..." Your husband, his blood traitor best friend, your blood, the people you talk to He shook his head. Let her fill in the 'because'. In another situation, Lily was likely to fill in that blank with because of your blood, which would have set off a long line of strong opinions. Today wasn't the day for that. Lily sighed deeply and finally sat back up. "I need to go back," I want to see my husband, "Maybe they'll have everything they needed from the house by now and I'll be able to go home." Lily deeply hoped this was true, but she was doubtful. "Thank you.. you know.. for being here." Lily hugged him tightly, on some level she knew she might not get to do this again anytime soon and she had to show him that he was still her friend, the boy she played with as children, almost a brother to her. "I'll... see you around," she said quietly before standing to leave. "I'm glad I could be here, although I wish..." he left the sentence unfinished and stood up beside her, frustrated with the knowledge that he wouldn't be able to do anything further to help her. And also somehow relieved that he wouldn't be required to be around her any more today. He wasn't certain how long he could pretend that everything was normal, that he wasn't going to go do what he needed to do tonight. The hug had been nice, so he reached out and touched her arm, squeezing it lightly. "Let me walk you back," he said quietly. He knew that it wasn't likely they would talk more. And that was all right, but he wanted to make certain she was safe until she got back to where she'd be around others. |