remus lupin is finally at peace. (moonstricken) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-05-09 20:38:00 |
|
|||
There were days in Remus' life where he felt he must be one of the dumbest people on the planet, and today was certainly one of them. He wasn't even quite sure how it started -- one moment he was updating the patrol schedule for the Order, and the next he was engaged in a heated argument with Sirius over issues from their past. They'd both been in the wrong to snap at each other but, unfortunately, they both possessed that tricky Gryffindor stubbornness. He didn't know why he kept fighting with Sirius so much lately -- hadn't they shared a dorm room together for seven years of their lives before now? Why was there suddenly all this extra tension? While it's true that before they were sharing a room with James and Peter as well, Remus didn't think that was the reason for the tension -- but what could it be? Remus could only think of the stress of war just building up inside of them all, ready to break at any moment at the people closest to you. Despite all things said, Remus did not hate Sirius. He knew that, eventually, they would make amends as always and move on with their lives. It was lucky enough that neither of them deemed the argument bad enough to come out of their rooms to fight face to face -- either that, or both of them knew it would dissolve into a physical fight, and Remus preferred to avoid those things (despite that he was the one to usually throw the first punch). Only when he hear the telltale sign of Sirius leaving the flat (a slam of the door) did Remus finally relax, although he pinched the bridge of his nose in a futile attempt to dull his headache. It wasn't to last, though, and soon enough Agnes was reacting in quite an unexpected way to the revelation that he was a werewolf. Remus still could not fathom why he assumed everyone in the Order already knew about his condition. He supposed it was just because he trusted them all with his secret that, somewhere along the way, he figured everyone had already found out. It certainly was upsetting, especially after he and Sirius had just finished fighting, as Remus was beginning to feel overwhelmed. He had hoped everyone in the Order would understand -- after all, is this fight against discrimination not similar to a werewolf's fight for equal rights? He could barely stand to keep his journal open to keep up with the conversation, seeing all the angry words being thrown around, and knowing it was because of him. Did Agnes hate him now? Would anyone else? Who hadn't known? Merlin, he was so, so stupid, and it was all he could do not to just hit his head on the desk and try to breathe normally. He'd wanted to trust them all with his secret, but the one downside to having four wonderful best friends that accepted you just as you were was that, sometimes, it disillusioned you into hoping that more people were like that than there actually were. The only answer, it seemed, was to keep it to himself, to never tell anyone if he could avoid it. He should have kept the same philosophy he'd had in Hogwarts -- it was just so hard for him to keep secrets from his friends, as if they would never be true friends if he could not rely on them as he would let them rely on him. The distance he had to keep with some people was painful, sometimes -- knowing how they would react if they knew what he was. Not human. Remus knew it would be worse if his condition was public, though; the Apothecary, for one, would get fewer customers, and he was far to grateful that they hired him at all to do anything to damage their reputation. He was sure they were having a difficult time as it was with the pressure not to allow non-purebloods into shops. It was only the angry rapping on the window that brought Remus out of his thoughts, and he stood up -- thankful that Sirius was not here right now -- running a hand over his face with a sigh before heading out to the main room to search for the source of the noise. He stopped the fluttering, black bird just outside the window with a small note attached to it's leg, and curious as to why the letter was not just dropped down the fireplace, Remus pulled the window open to let the bird in. Once it landed on the counter top, he tried to reach for the small note, only to be pecked in the hand -- Remus winced and jerked his hand back. Ugh, that last thing he wanted to deal with right now was one of those delivery birds. Scowling, he quickly snatched the paper from the bird's leg, grabbing it before the bird could attack him again. He didn't stop to read the note before trying to shoo the bird out of the flat, causing it to crow loudly, flapping it's wings indignantly before obediently flying out the window. Only once it was shut tight, did Remus pick up the note again to read it. There was no name on it, and no signature to indicate who it was from, but the single word on the paper along was enough to make Remus feel nauseous. Werewolf. Was this some kind of sick joke? Who had sent it? Remus' first thought was Snape, but no -- why would he send something like this? And besides, the timing was too perfect, having just revealed to the entire Order what he is... there's no way it could have been from a Death Eater. That would be far too coincidental. It had to be -- and Remus was reluctant to even think it -- from someone in the Order. He didn't know what everyone's opinion of werewolves actually was, and now Remus was regretting ever being so damn trustful with them all. He was nearly tempted to grab his journal and bring up the note right then and there, but he honestly didn't think he could handle even more confrontations that day. No -- perhaps he was just jumping to conclusions. But... Remus' mind raced to come up with any other reason he would get a note like this, so shortly after the blow up over the journals. What were the odds that it would be a coincidence? He could not help feeling suspicious about people in the Order, especially not after Dorcas' accusation form their last Order meeting. He had hoped she might be the only one who thought such things, but now Remus wasn't so sure. Could it have been her who sent the note? Remus clenched his fist, crushing the parchment in his hand as he felt anger rise within him all over again, just thinking about that night. He nearly throw it away, but decided last minute to keep it -- he would deal with it later. Right now, he did not know who in the Order to trust enough to speak about it, other than his closest friends -- but he also knew they would be the first to make it public. No, right now he would hold onto the paper, and he would keep his secrets and thoughts to himself, and watch the other members of the Order more closely from now on. |