sirius black -- eventually, even stars burn out (seirios) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-05-09 23:09:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1979-05] may, lily potter (née evans), sirius black |
Who: Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter
What: Calming down, which is what Lily does best.
Where: James & Lily's place.
When: 9 May, 1979. around 6pm.
Warnings: complaining - pg-13.
Status: complete.
There were very few people Sirius would actually get extremely angry with without resorting to violence. His brother, because if you hit him, he'd fall over; James, because James will hit him back harder; Lily because James would tear his balls off, if she didn't get to them first and Remus, because when they found, it was always very plainly His Fault. Somehow, especially lately, he and Remus had still managed to blow up at each other. He didn't mean to get angry at him, not really, but somehow for the last two years they managed to constantly take things the wrong way. It had become a bitter cycle and one wrong move would set them both off. Peter and James were right about it, really; they let it get out of control all too often. This usually involved people stepping in and prying them apart before some real, lasting damage was done. The problem was, Remus was obviously having problems with some slow burning anger that Sirius wanted him to get out and Sirius was impatient, angry and volitile when it came to his place in the Order. It was a recipe for disaster.
Thankfully, there was a neutral in all of these things. Lily Potter, who he had to remind himself constantly not to keep calling 'Evans', would generally listen to all sides and come up with a solution. James was also good at this, for the most part, but Remus had said something to make him back off so it was a good thing he'd decided if anyone could calm him down, it would be the people at the Potter residence. He wondered if there should be some warning about apparating when you're angry but it was the best thing for it; this was Remus' home too and he wouldn't be accused of driving him out should he wish to return to it. This is how he ended up outside the door and why, perhaps for once in his life, he actually knocked. Hopefully Lily had not been talking to Marlene and he wasn't about to be thumped.
Lily had seen the comments, or a good number of them, in the journals and wasn't all that surprised to hear a knock on the door. She was fairly certain it would be one of two people - Sirius or Remus - on the other side of the door. She had refrained from commenting in the journal, after all these years she learned it doesn't really do much to step in the middle of an argument like that. She firmly believed that the Marauders would whether any storm, and it was that belief that allowed her to (relatively) easily remain neutral when issues arose. She couldn't pick a side, not amongst people she loved dearly.
Peering through the peephole first, Lily opened the door once she recognized that it was, as she had assumed, Sirius. "Hullo, Sirius," Lily said calmly. She rose an eyebrow, giving him the typical why-can't-you-blokes-get-along smirk, and stepped aside so he could come in.
"You are either psychic or stalking me, I'm not sure which. I was just getting ready to fix some tea, fancy that timing, yeah?" It was one of those unspoken things, established many years ago. When she was dealing with people who were prone to short tempers, it was often best if you didn't ask them to spill their guts out in the first five minutes of a conversation. After all, 9 times out of 10, you didn't have to ask - eventually they'd talk all on their own. Lily would be patient and wait for it.
Sirius wasn't at all surprised when she just looked at him. Lily always had an ounce of sense when it came to the lads so she probably saw what she could of the comments and made a deduction it would be one of them. She was probably expecting Remus, but she seemed happy enough to Sirius (as if she would be anything else, Lily seemed to always have that ever irritating calm) so he took that as a good sign and she gave him the look - the one that said he was an idiot but it's already done so come and have a cuppa. That was why Lily was probably his best option too.
"Neither - just needed to get out of the flat, you know?" He sighed and put up in hands in a sign of defeat. He gave her a look, probably one she'd gotten used to seeing since about their Fifth Year at school. It was the I've Fucked Up look coupled with the I'm Sulking and the Help I've Done It Again one. "A tea would be brilliant, thanks." He nodded gratefully, coming in without any more prompting required. If anyone could make him feel calmer, it was a tea and Lily with her logic.
Lily nodded her head at his admission that he needed to get out of the flat. That much had been clear, she had no doubts that if the two of them had stayed in the same place for any longer than they'd come to physical blows over the argument. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked him as she headed into the kitchen to fix the tea.
She had already assumed he did, or it wouldn't have been their doorstep he'd come to. If he had been looking for a distraction from his problems, she figured he'd have gone somewhere he'd be able to lose himself in a moment of shagging or drinking. While the drinking she knew her husband would be willing to go along with, Lily also knew that he'd be trying to fix things so those drinks came with a catch. Finally, the fact that he'd yet to ask for James gave her a really good inclination that Sirius wanted - or needed - to talk about it.
"Your powers of deduction astound me." Sirius told her in a friendly tone, walking into the kitchen after her. It made a lot more sense to just go in with her, as he probably did just need to blurt it out. Lily probably knew they were all having a hard time right now, feeling under stress and less and less like the people they had been at school. It made things strained and things between he and Remus and been strained for longer than that. They were just both excellent and brushing it under the carpet and pretending it didn't bother them.
Sirius leaned against one of the counters and sighed, "I need a muzzle. Or possibly a lack of access to writing." He had a big mouth and it seemed to get a damn sight bigger when he wasn't watching the person. He had his reasons for pushing peoples buttons, he always had his reasons but they always seemed to get lost in transit. "This is going to involve some humilating and apoligetic times to come, isn't it?"
"And ruin those dashing good looks of yours with a muzzle?" Lily gave him a tiny smirk as she filled her kettle with water to put on the stove. Yes, despite all the years of magical training, Lily still did the majority of kitchen-ly things the Muggle way (whether it was baking, cooking, or making a kettle of tea).
"Apologies, yes, from all sides. I've never been one to believe that apologising ever had to be a humiliating thing to do." Lily paused for a moment, biting her lip in thought before choosing her words, as situations like these were always hard to decide what was best said or left unspoken. She sighed quietly, "It's always easiest to lash out on the people we love, the ones we know love us back. Not because we want to hurt them, but because we know after it is all said and done they'll still be there."
Sirius smiled; he couldn't help it! He could be extremely vain and he didn't mind that being made a mockery of. He preened in an exaggerated way and settled with his arms crossed in a relaced way. There was something extremely funny about being good friends with a muggleborn witch (for the simple reason he couldn't understand her lack of wand work with certain things) and a bloke who was forever forgetting to pick up his wand. He'd threatened to tape it to him with spellotape around his head more than once but he didn't think he'd appreciate it. Still, having his out of school experience with Lily being less than a year, he did smile at her little muggle like quirks.
He shook his head, although he did agree with her. It was easy to hurt the ones you love because at the end of it, they love you. He just didn't think that this was Remus' problem with him. "He's been moody, which I'm sure you noted. I feel like I can't open my bloody mouth right now without saying the wrong thing. I'm rubbish at comforting people - that's James' special power, not mine." He breathed out, pushing back his hair in a nervous gesture. "I think he's having a problem with his furry problem; a bigger one than usual. What with his parents and Dorcas and even Aggie...I think it's just dredging up a lot of bad blood, and a few memories I think both of us would like to forget." He shrugged. "With all that tension, we're blowing up at eachother. If I'd stayed, we'd have come to blows again." He winced at the thought.
"It was smart to come here, then, before it escalated to worse." She busied herself by putting the two teaspoons of loose tea (Merlin forbid she resorted to using a teabag!) in the teapot as Lily knew the water in the kettle was nearly ready.
"Can I ask you a question?" Lily asked, but continued on before waiting on the answer. "First, I think you are both guilty for saying things that would push each others buttons. It probably was an argument that had been building for awhile now, as they usually are. I'm just a bit confused as to why you seemed to get so tetchy so quickly in the beginning of it?" She honestly was more confused about that then the fact that they had fought. People fight, that's nothing new to her, but Lily didn't see what Sirius had taken offense to originally. She wanted to know, however, to understand it all better (and to make sure she, herself, didn't repeat the same offense later).
"You just did, but do ask another." Sirius grinned. It was an old joke but some old jokes were oldies but goodies. That would be why they were classics. "It hasn't been building - we..." He sighed and put his hands up in defeat, as if he couldn't quite grasp what his own problem was. "We just go from one arguement to another. One ends and then it builds up and we go off like bloody fireworks again." He exhaled hard, looking upward to the ceiling as if the answers would be up there. They weren't.
"I was joking with him. I have to make jokes about this stuff or I'll lose my mind. He knows that and still, he turned 'round and implied I don't do a damn thing when he knows it pisses me off that I can't do more. I despise feeling helpless. It pushed a button." Sirius shrugged; it all seemed so ridiculous when he put it like that. "Last time we fought, it felt like...like he was accusing me of wasting my life or something. Then the one thing in my life that I would never neglect and he decides to imply I'm not even doing that." He sighed, again. It wasn't a good enough reason, not really. "I don't want to get called into a battle wondering if that this was the end, if I didn't live my life the way I wanted to, but in that includes doing everything I can to help the Order. I don't think I need to justify that to anyone." He cracked a smile, as if that was at least a good thing to end on.
"I think it pisses us all off we can't seem to do enough," Lily said with a slight frown on her face. What could they do when they did not know who their enemy was? The cowards behind their masks made it impossible to make an advance against them. Lily poured the hot water into the tea kettle and set the timer for two minutes for the tea to properly steep. "But we all know you're dedicated and doing what you can, love, I'm sure Remus hadn't intended on his question to imply otherwise. We can't let this war tear us apart, yeah? If we do that than we have truly lost." Yep, that's right, Lily could be quite cheesy with cliches from time to time.
"You and Remus will sort this out, you always do. What you two need is a code word, something you can say or write when you know that if the conversation continues it's going to be a fight. Something utterly ridiculous that would make both of you laugh in amusement and ease the tension." With that bit of advice, Lily officially turned into Rose Evans - it was the same advice she had constantly given Lily and Petunia when things started getting bad.
Sirius pulled out chair, sitting down on it with a heavy sigh. It always made since when someone else explained it after the fact but during, it was difficult to get his head around the concept of the word "stop". He knew if he was just rational about it towards Remus and swallowed some of his huge amounts of pride, they'd be fine. The trick was doing was doing just that. "He's touchy right now, what with Greyback and everything. I think it would be hard to find something that would make us laugh. Except maybe 'James, stop spooning me.'"
He gave her an almost fond smile; he was already feeling calm and as she always did, Lily was helping. "You're so muggle sometimes." He didn't mean it offensively, just that it amused him. It was like a little quirk, that she still had all this stuff in her brain.
"Muggle and proud, it's all a part of my charm, love," Lily gave him a friendly wink as she placed the tea cups on the table. "But I'd like to reiterate that all spooning my husband does has to be with me. I have a terrible jealous streak," Lily smirked, all in good humor. Truthfully if she walked in on her husband spooning Sirius or Remus she'd probably burst out laughing (and jump directly in the middle of them and call it a party).
Lily slowly filled the two tea cups, and placed the teapot in the center of the table. "Greyback is a bloody wanker that ought to be shot, the muggle way, as I imagine that'd be more pain full than the killing curse. He honestly makes my blood boil, and I can only imagine how much worse it might be for Remus. I honestly don't blame him for his touchiness, considering." Dropping in two cubes of sugar (she liked her tea sweet), Lily stirred her cup trying hard not to dwell on that monster and what he did to Remus's parents. "If talking about my husband spooning you lot is the only think that can amuse you both, than I suppose I shall have to look the other way."
"He wants to help him. You know that," Sirius commented lightly, because he did realise that when James was the rational one, you had to take a step back. "But that's James for you - something is wrong, he'll try to fix it. He's already told us off more times than I can remember." So had Lily, for that matter. It was something they had in common. "We'll have to think of something to sort this shit out, that's all." Not a tall order, was it? Saving the world?
"Shot in the balls, worst way to go." Sirius agreed; he quite liked these muggle contraptions. They looked interesting but the idea that shoving a peice of metal into a persons body as a means of killing them seemed a bit crude. Sirius took his drink and dropped one cube in, he had never had much of a sweet tooth to be honest, but he didn't like things bland either. "I'm bad at this because I don't understand. I love Ira and Cecile and I can't imagine anything happening to them. I don't want anything to happen to them. I keep making jokes or stupid touchy comments because I seem to be incapable of telling when he's having a bad day and when he's not because I've never experienced losing something like that."
He sighed and shrugged. "I used to be so much better at reading people. Of course, by the time Pete jumped in, I was pissed off and bit his head off too so..." He took a drink and put his hands up in there. "I should just get a tattoo that says 'I'm Sorry' on my forehead. It would save a lot of trouble." He snorted at the idea that this was all that amused them. "Truth is, I'm afraid I'm going to say something he'll take the wrong way, we'll start fighting again and bluntly, we'll be fucked and not in a fun way." He pouted, unsure what wouldn't be taken the wrong way by one of them.
Lily reached across the table and gave Sirius's arm a friendly squeeze. "While it might be a logical concern to have, with the way things have been going, it isn't something you should worry yourself silly over. We'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it, and hopefully we won't. As long as I'm around to help patch things over I'm not ever going to let any of you fall out for good, even if that means I'm taking away your wands and locking you in a closet until you can manage to sort things out through talking." Which honestly didn't sound like a terrible idea, now that she thought about it. "Or if not talking... then fucking in the good way, if that's your thing," Lily added, hiding her sarcasm behind her playful smirk.
Sirius made a face at the idea but shrugged again; he'd gotten quite good at shrugging a lot. "He needs to get it out. I want him to get it out and just stop repressing so that every time we argue it doesn't come down to 'you almost made me kill someone!' and we don't get touchier and touchier." To be honest, the idea made him touchy, no matter what he said to the contrary. "Look, Evans, come the full, we'll try and sort it out like we always do but that's because that's the one time I can get him to stop being such a control freak and actually let himself go." He took a drink and snorted. "What does that say when the only time I'm sure he's telling me the whole truth is when he isn't capable of speech?"
"It says that Remus is, despite his condition, very much a human." Lily assured him, without hesitation. "Honesty isn't a trait that comes easy... that level of it, rather. To be open is to be vulnerable, and merlin knows we're all more vulnerable than we can take lately... it's hardly surprising that he might be holding back. In a strange way, he holds back to protect you as much as himself. It isn't easy to admit to someone you love that they hurt you, and to the extent that they hurt you, its so much easier to keep as much of it inside as you can." Taking a sip of her tea, she paused briefly before finishing her thoughts. "How to keep the ticking time-bomb from building inside, when there's just too much you are afraid to say? It is a conundrum that anyone with morals and a conscience faces, love, it comes with being good."
"Even if maybe we need it? Otherwise, ten years from now -" Merlin, if we're still around in ten years! "- we're still going to be ripping at eachother. I know he's just human," He smirked at that, considering peoples arguements to the contrary, "But part of being human is being angry and not being half arsed about it either. He should know by now there's not a damn thing he could ever say that would stop me wanting to be his friend. I might get angry, I might get upset - Merlin forbid!" He snorted, "But it's better for us. I just don't understand how to make him see that without making it sound like my balls have been cut off." He grinned, it was pretty appropriate to him to talk to a girl about it. "I nearly always say what I'm thinking or at least allude to it. I don't...understand how he will ever get past this, how we'll ever stop if he doesn't stop being a wanker and just say what's pissing him off."
"The journals aren't going to be your ticket to happily ever after, Sirius. You need to have this fight, but have it away from the journals, in person, no snide written comments that are interpreted in ways they might not have been meant. If you honestly think that it needs to be spoken, then find away for it to be just that." Lily bit the inside of her cheek as she pondered her words, choosing them carefully, "But Sirius, love, have you let go, yet? Have you forgiven yourself? It might sound like some cheesy self-help text that muggles go crazy for, but if you aren't past it yet, how can you expect him to be?"
"You blokes exasperate me. Merlin knows I love you each to pieces, but why can't it be as simple as going shoe shopping to solve your problems," she shook her head, a small grin on her face. "Godric Gryffindor himself probably wasn't this difficult. I have half a mind to purchase a big vial of Veritaserum and slip it into Fire Whiskey for your next guys night around here."
"Lily, if I wanted something to accessorise a happily ever after, it wouldn't be a journal." Sirius poked his tongue out at her, as realised to a girl with girly parts, it probably did all seem a bit ridiculous. Though her ideas were getting a little cracked there. "Of course I'm past it, I tried telling him that but instead, he just...didn't get it or didn't want to and ended up throwing it back at me and..." He waved his hand in a "blah blah blah" gesture. "Look, I'm happy with me. I'm not happy it happened but I think that's because it was a stupid accident. If I wanted to hurt him, I would have but I think that's what's pissing him off here, Evans. That I do think it was just a silly little mistake when apparently, he's being a complete dramatic....well, I don't know what, but whatever it is, he's really being one about it. But then he stops, sighs and changes the subject. I'd tell him to grow a pair but that would just start another arguement." He pouted, about as successfully as Sirius ever pouts and took a drink. He cocked his head to one side, "That's not a bad idea, Evans. He's a very honest drunk anyway. I mean, I don't need it, I shoot my mouth off at any given moment but...that's not bad!"
Oh. Merlin. She just suggested Sirius get Remus intoxicated so they could have the truth came out. Lily wans't exactly sure if that was a very moral suggestion, considering Remus was her close mate as well. On the other hand, it wasn't as if he didn't enjoy drinking, right? Sirius wasn't going to be taking advantage of him, as many people do when they are getting another person intoxicated, merely using it as a catalyst to fix their issues. There was nothing wrong with those motives! Nonetheless, Lily gave him a bit of a shocked face - exaggerated intentionally for the point - "Sirius Black, I'll have you know, that I'll deny being behind any plots of drunken truthfulness, I'm far too innocent to suggest something of that nature!" Except that she had suggested it, and deep down she should have known it was the kind of idea that Sirius would go for. Ah well, she can't un-say something!
"I won't hurt him, Lily." Sirius told her slyly, getting up from the table with enthusiasm. He just needed to get those inhibitions lowered. If that didn't work, well, there had to be other ways. He kissed her cheek quickly, "Thanks, Evans - you're the best!"