lily potter defies your dark lords (persisting) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2009-08-04 14:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! [1980-08] august, james potter, lily potter (née evans) |
Who: Lily, James, and Harry Potter
What: Lily tries her best to debrainwash her husband without Sirius and James meets his son.
When: 4 August 1980, during Rodolphus's funeral and before James received Sirius's deadletter.
Where: Walton Common, Clevedon.
Status: Complete.
Rating: PG
Lily was endlessly grateful that Andromeda had agreed to come with her to meet James. Even though she had come to the place they'd agreed to meet earlier to test for wards and traps, Lily didn't want to chance anything happening to her newborn son. James earnestly did seem to want to meet him, and despite everything he'd said to her over the last month, Lily knew that he didn't mean it. It wasn't his fault, and she wasn't about to be the one to deprive Harry of at least meeting his father. Still, even though she herself had considered asking Moody to come with her rather than Andromeda, Andie seemed to be the only one in the Order who James trusted enough to come with her, and maybe it would help having someone around who was related to Sirius by blood. She asked Andie to remain off to the side just in case she needed back up, but this was something that Lily felt she needed to try to do alone. Setting Harry in a bassinet and placing a disillusionment on it -- it wasn't quite as effective as the Invisibility Cloak, but it helped -- Lily waited for James to arrive (praying that he'd arrive alone) and tried to ignore just how incredibly terrified she was. It hadn't taken any effort at all to get out of the house. No one watched him now, and everyone of any importance was at the funeral. James had changed into something a little less poncey than what he wore around the house so his son's first impression of him wouldn't be ridiculous, and then threw on the cloak before apparating to the woods near the makeshift pitch. He saw Lily and he almost apparated away. Why had he been so sure she would look different? She didn't-- same old Lils. He had his hand on his wand but he had no intention of using it unless he had to. "S'just me," he called into the field, pulling away the cloak. "James Matthew Potter. I once took a bag of Bernie Bott's to a muggle movie and ate so many nasty ones in the dark that I threw up in the loo. No one else would know that," he added. He wasn't trying to convince her for her own sake as much as for the sake of letting him see his son. There was nothing wrong with James and he didn't want her suspicions to keep him away from the boy in the picture who he'd yet to see. Lily had expected James to look different as well -- the idea of her husband showing up with short, neatly groomed hair and robes with a cravat tie likely would've resulted in Lily grabbing the bassinet and apparating away immediately. His hair seemed back to normal, at least. "And it came out purple," she replied almost on instinct, smiling a little at the disgusting fact that only the two of them would know. "Andie's around too, and just her." There was no need to keep that fact hidden and for it to cause problems later that he wasn't forewarned. "I wasn't sure if you were going to come." "I wasn't sure I was going to come," he said quietly. He was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt in a most Regulus-Black-like way and he stopped as soon as he realized it. He wasn't going to be one of those Purists. "But I wanted to see him," he said. "Hold him." James could hear his own sadness. He didn't want it to be like this. Everything was such a fucking jumble. "Especially after-- after--" He couldn't say it outloud. Not to Lily, that made it too real. With Gaius and Uncle Charlus it had been like a dream. But here in the field where he and Sirius had met only a few days before it was more like a nightmare. "I wanted to hold him," he said, brushing an angry tear out of his eyes. He needed to keep it together. He wasn't going to hold his son for the first time a complete soppy mess. It broke Lily's heart to see how much James was hurting over Sirius. She could tell in the journals, she knew, knowing James, but to actually see it made her want to do nothing more than hug him to comfort him through the loss. Knowing what Travers and his uncle Charlus had done to him would make James not want that only twisted the knife. "I know," she nodded, and after a final moment of attempting to work herself up for it, removed the disillusionment charm that covered Harry. She moved her wand into her pocket and reached down to carefully lift Harry into her arms, holding him so that James would have a clear view of his face. "Look, five days old and he's already even got your hair." Five days. Looking at the little, squirming, thing in Lily's arms, James couldn't believe he'd already missed five days. He shoved his wand in his pocket quickly and held out his hands. He had no fear, no worry that he might drop Harry or that he'd be squishy and breakable. He wanted nothing more than to hold him-- and once he had him in his arms he stared at Harry like early tribesman stared at an eclipse. It was like magic. The baby's lips drew into a small o and his eyes blinked open. They hadn't come into their full color yet, but their were flecks of green and the shape was right. He was mesmorized. Carefully he sat down crosslegged in the grass so he could cradle him and still have a hand free to trace over his hair and then down to his teeny tiny fingers. He counted all ten of them and then laughed when Harry grabbed his finger and held on tight. "He's strong," he said, looking up at Lily in surprise. "Probably the strongest baby in the world, aren't you little man?" he asked as he looked back down at Harry. "Smart too. I can tell. It's in the hair." Any worries that Lily had over their safety quickly faded away as soon as James had put his wand away, assured now that he wasn't going to Apparate him away someplace that they couldn't save him. As soon as James held Harry in his arms, it felt like she had her husband back, only if it were only for an afternoon. This man who was counting their baby's toes and marvelling over how perfect Harry's tiny ears was finally the man she'd fallen in love with again. "You expected him to be otherwise?" she asked, raising an eyebrow as she slid down onto the grass at James's side. She moved to lean against his shoulder, only to hesitate for a split moment as she glanced at James, worried he would flinch away. Another moment later she decided she didn't care. Lily rested her head against his arm, lightly smoothing down Harry's already Potter-Patented Stickuppy Hair. "James, I never could have betrayed you when you were the one who helped me make this." James felt Lily sit next to him and he found he didn't have any desire to move away. Not really. There's was something missing-- the warmth he used to feel any time she would brush against him-- but he wasn't repulsed. He'd expected he'd feel repulsed. It was impossible to feel anything but happy though, looking at his son. That's why thoughts of betrayal hit him harder than before. How could the mother of his son been a part of this? He looked at Harry, so sweet, and so innocent, and he leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Can we not talk about this now, Lily?" he asked. "Please. I'll talk about anything you want later but I just want to enjoy him right now." So they would go their separate ways again after this, and James would go back to hating her for things she had nothing to do with. Seeing him here like this made Lily want him back more than anything, and there had been some idealistic part of herself that had wanted to believe that the moment James saw Harry, all of that would be fixed. That everything would be back to normal. But half their friends were dead, Pete was in the rehab clinic too, it seemed painful for Remus to even be awake anymore... even if James came back, it wouldn't go back to the way things were. "Alright," she said quietly, knowing that even if she tried later, there'd be some reason, some other excuse for why he couldn't talk about it then either. Harry's magical baby powers of manipulation hadn't worked exactly as planned, but at least... "Do you at least love him? Even though he's halfblooded?" James looked up at her like she'd lost her mind. "Of course I love him," he said emphatically. He tightened his grip ever so slightly. "And you shouldn't go asking me questions like that where he can hear. He'll get a complex or something." He looked down at Harry and kissed him again. "Your daddy loves you very much," he said seriously. "So, so, so much." Harry closed his eyes contentedly and James rocked him, letting the sun warm his hair and his mind wander to Sirius's ridiculous description of the baby in his arms. "It doesn't matter to me," James said finally, looking over at Lily. "He's a Potter. How could anyone look at him and deny that?" he asked. "He's got loads more magic blood in him than the word halfblood gives him credit for," he said. "He's the sweetest thing I've ever looked at," he added. "Dunno how I'm going to leave him." At least there was that. Lily couldn't completely ignore the sick feeling that continued to twist up in her gut, but she set her jaw and tried to assure herself that it was enough. They hadn't ruined James enough to make him hate his own son. "You don't have to. You could come with us. No one would need to know," Lily replied, her voice hushed, immediately following with, "But only if you want to. I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to. Ever." Like forcing him into a "rehabilitation clinic" that would brainwash him into hating her, for instance, but James had already made his position clear that he didn't want to talk about that. "You should see the little footie outfit he has for pajamas. I didn't know they made them that small; he's the most precious thing I've ever seen." James looked pulled. "Remus would be there... wouldn't he?" James asked, shaking his head. "Lils, you can't tell him you met with me. Please. And fuck, if I thought you would listen to me I'd tell you to keep Harry away from him. I know you think I'm crazy," he said, looking down at Harry again, "and you don't have reasons for trusting me, but I would never do something that would hurt Harry, and I wouldn't ask you to protect him if I didn't think he was in danger. Remus could kill him," James said. "You need to keep them apart, and I can't go back with you as long as you're where ever he is. Maybe you weren't in on it," James admitted. "I never wanted to believe you were, but they were, and I saw it with my own eyes and it all made sense." James was rambling and sounded half delirious. "Then I told Sirius everything and now he's dead and I think it's because he must have told someone. I don't know what's going on, but please, please keep him away from Remus." Lily almost had to bite her tongue to keep from snapping at James for saying things like that. It was tempting even to slap him, but Lily knew better than to try while he was holding their son. So instead she kept her mouth shut and at least gave James the benefit of listening to him, even if she knew that he was only repeating what Travers had convinced him he'd seen. "I wasn't," she insisted, deciding against saying anything either for or against Remus. That could be done at another time. "And I won't tell anyone that we met. Just Andie. And Severus knows; he got all paranoid at me today making me swear that I'd tell him if I saw you." "I'm going to protect him, I promise. Nothing will happen to Harry." James nodded. "I trust Severus," he said, wrinkling his nose at the words. "Trust him enough on this anyway. Don't trust him to cast anymore Unforgivables at me. He enjoyed that way too much," James complained. "But for this, yes. I have so much shit on him that could get him in trouble that I don't think he'd have let me live if we hadn't come to some sort of agreement," he said. "I love him Lily," he said, stroking the back of Harry's tiny hand. "Don't let him forget that. I should probably go... It's better if I avoid questions. Everyone's giving me some distance right now because of-- you know." He still couldn't say Sirius's name. It was so painful. Even more painful than handing his son back to Lily, which was damn near excruciating. He had tears in his eyes again and it was embarassing because he hadn't cried like even when his dad had died. "You'll let me see him again, won't you?" "He did what?" escaped Lily's mouth before she was able to stop herself, practically spitting the words. She took a deep breath and shook her head a moment later. That's not what they needed to focus on right now. "Sorry. Reflex." She took Harry into her arms, holding him close, not sure if she felt relieved over having him back or sad that James was going to be leaving him and going right back into the world that she so desperately wanted to get him away from. "He'll know. I'll him every day until you come back and can tell him yourself." Lily let her hair fall into her face as she returned Harry to the bassinet, shielding the fact that she was on the verge of tears from James. After a few needless extra seconds of tucking Harry in (which were actually spent composing herself and blinking away the water that had welled up in her eyes), she stood again and turned back to her husband, calm and collected once more. "I will. I promise." "Thanks Lily," he said. "I mean it. I know-- I've been shitty. I need to apologize. I-- I should never have snapped at you the way I did. There's no excuse. That's not me. I have excuses but it comes down to me being a prat," he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Maybe you were right about me all those years ago." "We'll write," he added. "Figure out a plan for this. But thanks. It was good seeing him. Maybe next time mum can come along. She's dying to get her hands on him and she wanted me to tell you hello and that-- that-- she loves you." James looked like he'd rather leave than feel as awkward as he felt right now. "I should go." "I was right way back then, yes," Lily agreed with a small smile, flipping a loose strand of hair that had fallen into her face back behind her ear. "But not anymore. That isn't you." "Something is going on. We're going to figure out what it is, alright? Together," she said firmly, gripping the handle of the bassinet with one hand as she took her wand out with the other, giving Andromeda the signal that they were ready to go. "It'll be good go see your mum," Lily continued, speaking again before James had a chance to object. "I love- her too. She needs to meet her grandson." "We'll write." James nodded and looked wistfully at the bassinet. "Tell Andie thanks," he said quietly, before turning to head for the woods, sure to be home before anyone even knew he was gone. |